Insight/ advice

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My Catholic faith is everything to me and I’ve chosen to give my life to Christ (consecrated and hoping to join religious order). However, I suffer from a strange affliction. At one point in my life I had such anxiety that I went on an anxiety medication to help me sleep. However, by God’s Grace I’ve weaned off of it completely but now I have these awful/evil thoughts that I force myself to think. It’s like I continually choose to self-sabotage.

I’ve read a lot about this and it seems that it falls under the category of anxiety. I just feel that it goes so much deeper than that. I’ve confessed this over five times and feel like I’m being presumptuous when I go to confession and confess the same thing knowing in my weakness and misery I will continue think them.

I absolutely hate this affliction and I would rather have physical suffering. The thought of purposely offending God makes me so disturbed and sorrowful and the idea of going to confession again brings me relief. It’s gotten to the point however that confessing the same thing feels wrong. This affliction has become a vice for me and I hate it.

I have a good prayer life thanks be to God even though at times I dread saying the Rosary because I have to reject an evil thought almost every other Hail Mary. I feel like I’m spurning so many graces and hurting His Heart.

Thank you in advance for your prayerful and thoughtful response.
 
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Please consider getting more professional help for your anxiety. Have you looked into counseling? We cannot give medical advice here, so please talk to your doctor, as soon as you can.

I would also recommend you talk to your Priest and ask for his guidance with this. I’m sorry you’re struggling so badly. Be kind to yourself.
 
I am glad you reached out here, and I do think making an appointment with a mental health professional would be wise. Intrusive thoughts are common for many who suffer from anxiety and OCD. There are therapies (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for example) that can help. Also, many individuals find they need to stay on antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications to function well. This should not be seen as a weakness or failing.

My biggest advice for you is to remember that thoughts are just thoughts. YOU are more than your thoughts; they do not reflect on your character or worth. They do not define you. Don’t give them so much power.

I know these thoughts are distressing; I know they are awful and shocking and go against all that you believe. But it is kind of like learning meditation or centering prayer…As soon as you have the thought, gently let it go if you can. Don’t start the cycle of fretting over the content of the thought. Don’t let it grab hold of you and make you feel guilt. The more you grapple with a thought, usually the worse it gets. Just say to yourself, “I had one of those awful thoughts again. Lord, be with me,” and let it go. You can also speak to the thought, saying, “You have no power over me.”

I will pray for you. Trust the Lord. ❤️
 
While seconding the suggestions to seek medical help, try dragging yourself Aay from the thoughts by praying instead.
 
This is an issue that needs professional assistance. Speak to your therapist. If you weaned yourself off medication without your therapist’s knowledge or supervision, talk to your therapist about resuming it immediately.

This isn’t something you are going to pray away, and it isn’t something in your control.

Get professional help ASAP!
 
Thank you all so much for your wisdom and understanding. I will take all these insights into my prayer. Truly, thank you all.

Please do keep me in my prayers. God bless you. :pray:t2:
 
Thank you so much and thank you for your prayers, it’s so appreciated. :pray:t2: Your words brought me much affirmation.

God bless you!
 
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