Internet adultery

[katieq]

Hi all, I need some good moral and Church based advice here. I am married to a wonderful, kind, caring, and generous man. My dillema is this: for several years (largely before our marriage and courtship) he has been involved in relationships on line (including some that are sexual in nature). I found out about this a few months ago and after much discussion (and tears on both our parts) he has confessed and appologized and has ceased all such interactions. Previous to my confrontation, he did not see these interactions as adultery because “they were just something he got hooked on as a teen” and were not truly physical in nature.

I have convinced him otherwise (and I hope I never have to cause him to cry again), but I feel my reasonings were somewhat weak. In our future discussions (and encouragement) about avoiding this temptation, I am hoping to provide a more concrete response. My Question: Any help/arguments?
Thanks for your time,
Your prayers are appreciated,
k

 

[surfinpure]

I believe you will have no problem addressing the issue, should it arise again, straight from our Catechism. Here are a few excerpts:

2361 Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an intergral part of the love by which a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.

2351 Lust is disordered desire for inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

Matthew 5:28 "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

2380 *Adultery *refers to marital infidelity. When two partners, of whom at least one is married to another party, have sexual relations – even transient ones – they commit adultery. Christ condemns even adultery of mere desire…

2381 Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.

 

[katieq]

Thanks for the Catechism quotes surfin, my issue is that he doesn’t really see it (or didn’t) as adultery, or as lust (as he thought it was only for fun or for acceptance). On this last issue, he may be denying it to himself. Any suggestions for linking “words on the internet” with actual physical consequences such as those listed in the CCC. Thanks,
k

 

[Princess_Abby]

katieq:

Thanks for the Catechism quotes surfin, my issue is that he doesn’t really see it (or didn’t) as adultery, or as lust (as he thought it was only for fun or for acceptance). On this last issue, he may be denying it to himself. Any suggestions for linking “words on the internet” with actual physical consequences such as those listed in the CCC. Thanks,
k

I would point out that however harmless he is apparently pretending this to be, if it were truly meaningless, he wouldn’t continue coming back for more.

Tell him that sin is habit, but so is virtue. Since he wants to do better, he has to practice virtue until it is a habit. If he’s been doing this since he was a teenager and is now a married man, I would let him know that it might take serious action on his part to resist the temptation (and habit) of going online and participating in these activities. This is an addiction. Maybe he needs to stop using the internet unless you are in the room with him. Or, maybe he needs to disconnect completely for a period of time and then only use it when you are in the room.

I would also lovingly encourage him to speak to someone professionally about why he needs acceptance from multiple anonymous strangers… And maybe what he is also escaping from in his real life (work, stress, emotional or sexual intimacy with you). catholictherapists.com

By the way… this is not your fault. This is a problem that HE has and should be encouraged to work through.

 

[YinYangMom]

I don’t know…if it were me…I’d focus on getting hubby to understand this recreational habit is reinforcing a belief in him that women are body parts to be lusted after. I would tell him that my personal dignity would be insulted if he looked at me that way, especially when we had sex, and I’d tell him flat out that I refuse to allow myself to be used in the same manner as these women. I’d then have him listen to the “Marriage and The Eucharist” CD from Christopher West and even the 10 CD lecture of Jeff Cavins “Naked Without Shame” so that he’d know where I’m coming from in taking this position.

Whether or not he sees his behavior as adultery I’d tell him flat out that according to the Catholic Church and the vows we exchanged when entering the covenant of marriage with God IT IS. The onus is on him to get his mind and heart straight and if he truly loves me, he’ll do it quickly. I’d assure him I’d be by his side the entire journey - however long it takes - and I look forward to the time we can resume relations as they were intended to be from the beginning.

But that’s just me. I’m quite direct and to the point, and I’ve never tolerated **** from people who say they love me.

 

[katieq]

Thanks for all good info so far (please keep it coming), especially the advice on the CD’s (Yin Yang, I’m also direct and to the point thanks. I do know that he does love me, but I’m sure that his addiction is the main thing that kept him doing so). My main concern right now is for his soul, the only failure I feel may be that I am not doing my part to “help him to heaven”. I am thankful that he has made a commitment to change though .
God bless,
k

 

[surfinpure]

A commitment to change is a big plus. But he’s definitely going to need the grace to do that, and the only way to get that is through the sacrament of reconciliation. I wonder if he would be willing to go to confession and have a heart-to-heart with your priest?

 

[katieq]

Awesome advice surf! I hadn’t really thought of that . Thanks,
k