R
rossum
Guest
A Zen Buddhist master once said to me, “Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.” So I didn’t.
rossum
rossum
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M
mercygate
Guest
Gerry Hunter:
Nine: One to change the lightbulb. One to mix the drinks. And seven to stand around and talk about how much better the old lightbulb used to be.
P.S. I was the one with the swizzle stick.
The Anglican/lightbulb version I heard was:
Nine: One to change the lightbulb. One to mix the drinks. And seven to stand around and talk about how much better the old lightbulb used to be.
P.S. I was the one with the swizzle stick.
M
mercygate
Guest
The Rabbi where I work tells this one:
Three chaplains, a Protestant minister, Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are all serving on a ship that goes down in the middle of the Indian Ocean – 1500 miles from the nearest land. Floating around for a couple of days in their life jackets, the minister and the Priest start to panic.
“Nobody will ever be able to find us way out here,” they say, “our only recourse is prayer.”
“Don’t worry,” says the Rabbi. I just made a $1000 pledge to the United Jewish Appeal. They’ll find us!"
Three chaplains, a Protestant minister, Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are all serving on a ship that goes down in the middle of the Indian Ocean – 1500 miles from the nearest land. Floating around for a couple of days in their life jackets, the minister and the Priest start to panic.
“Nobody will ever be able to find us way out here,” they say, “our only recourse is prayer.”
“Don’t worry,” says the Rabbi. I just made a $1000 pledge to the United Jewish Appeal. They’ll find us!"
C
chrisg93
Guest
A good Catholic went to heaven. St Peter met him at the pearly gates and said "it says here that you have never done anything brave. I’m sorry but you can’t come in’.
The man said “yes I have done something brave. I saw a motorcycle gang harrasing a little old lady. So I went over to them and pick out the biggest, meanest one. I kicked him, pulled put his nose ring and threw his motorcycle over a cliff.”
St Peter said " well that’s very impressive, but tell me when did that happen?
The man said “about five minutes ago”.
The man said “yes I have done something brave. I saw a motorcycle gang harrasing a little old lady. So I went over to them and pick out the biggest, meanest one. I kicked him, pulled put his nose ring and threw his motorcycle over a cliff.”
St Peter said " well that’s very impressive, but tell me when did that happen?
The man said “about five minutes ago”.
F
Fr_Ambrose
Guest
A friend of mine posted the
following on another group.
The Short Form of the BreviaryPriests on the run may, at their opportunity, say:
V. In nomine + Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.
R. Amen.
V. Deus, in adiutorium meum intende.
R. Domine, ad adiuvandum me festina.
A b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z.
Oremus.
Deus, qui omnia creasti, accipe has litteras quas offerimus in
supplicatione, et iunge eas et disiunge, ut faciant verba hymnorum, psalmorum, cantuum, et lectionum in quibus oportet Te glorificari per cunctas creaturas, in saecula saeculorum.
R. Amen.
================================
For those who don’t know Latin, this is:
V. In the name of the + Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
R. Amen.
V. O God, be attentive unto helping me.
R. O Lord, make haste to help me.
A b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z.
Let us pray.
O God, Who hast created all things, accept these letters which we offer Thee in supplication, and join them and disjoin them so that they may form the words of the hymns, psalms, chants, and lessons in which it behooveth Thee to be glorified by all created things, unto the ages of ages.
R. Amen.
===================================
S
Shibboleth
Guest
What Lutherans Believe
Lutherans believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray out loud in public.
Lutherans like to sing except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four verses.
Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital even if they don’t notify them.
Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
Lutherans feel that applauding for their children’s choirs would make them too proud and conceited.
Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while “passing the peace.”
Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.
Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the fellowship hall.
Lutherans are willing to pay up to a dollar for a meal at church.
Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.
Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle hot dish add too much color.
Lutherans believe it’s OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.
Lutherans believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray out loud in public.
Lutherans like to sing except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four verses.
Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital even if they don’t notify them.
Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
Lutherans feel that applauding for their children’s choirs would make them too proud and conceited.
Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while “passing the peace.”
Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.
Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the fellowship hall.
Lutherans are willing to pay up to a dollar for a meal at church.
Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.
Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle hot dish add too much color.
Lutherans believe it’s OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.
L
Little_Mary
Guest
These are great. Keep ‘em comin’!!
F
Fr_Ambrose
Guest
Little Mary:
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
$0,00 - Home Depot price of the Beast, that aisle is closed at the moment
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,
$666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
OK! We all know that 666 is the number of the Beast, but did you know that…
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
$0,00 - Home Depot price of the Beast, that aisle is closed at the moment
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,
$666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
- Number of the Blonde Beast (uh… what was that number again?)
S
Shoshana
Guest
Fr Ambrose:
smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_11.gifThanks Fr Ambrose,
I may do this for my Liturgy of the Hours (shhh…don’t tell my director!)
smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_209.gif
Blessings,
Shoshana
Code:
I may do this for my Liturgy of the Hours (shhh…don’t tell my director!)
smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_209.gif
Blessings,
Shoshana
C
catsrus
Guest
Jesus needs a new robe. He goes to the Jewish tailor Finkelstein who makes The Lord a beautiful seamless robe. Jesus thanks Finkelstein for such a lovely job well done. Finkelstein says, “You know we should go into business together since I’m good at clothes making and you have such a large following.” Jesus asks Finkelstein, “If we did, what should we call the business?” Finkelstein answers, “Lord & Taylor.”
M
Melania
Guest
More religious “lightbulb” jokes:
How many church people does it take to CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
CHARISMATICS: Only one. Hands already in the air.
ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.
PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is
fine.You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, flourescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally vaild paths to luminescence.
METHODISTS: Two. One to change the bulb and one to check the “Manual for Changing Bulbs in the Methodist Church.”
BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also casserole.
EPISCOPALIANS: One task group, to issue a statement saying “We embrace darkness.”
PENTECOSTALS: None. If you have faith, Jesus will heal the old light bulb.
MORAVIANS: Any number of brethren may participate in the Gluehlampewechselnsfest, and the coffee hour following.
MAHAYANA BUDDHISTS: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the
light bulb, and one to not do any of those.
ZEN BUDDHISTS: None. The universe spins the bulb.
TAOISTS: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
MUSLIMS: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
AMISH: One to change the bulb and one to tell him it’s against the will of God.
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: None. The darkness is an illusion.
LUBAVITCHER HASIDIM: Dark? Who says it’s dark?
SATMAR HASIDIM: A man has to do that; it’s beyond the capability of a woman.
OR: Changing lightbulbs is a Zionist plot.
BRATZLAVER HASIDIM: None. They will never find one that burns as brightly as the first one.
And my personal (and biased) favorite:
ORTHODOX: Electric currents are a moden innovation. This has never been an issue in Orthodoxy. It is a purely western problem.
How many church people does it take to CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
CHARISMATICS: Only one. Hands already in the air.
ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.
PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is
fine.You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, flourescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally vaild paths to luminescence.
METHODISTS: Two. One to change the bulb and one to check the “Manual for Changing Bulbs in the Methodist Church.”
BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also casserole.
EPISCOPALIANS: One task group, to issue a statement saying “We embrace darkness.”
PENTECOSTALS: None. If you have faith, Jesus will heal the old light bulb.
MORAVIANS: Any number of brethren may participate in the Gluehlampewechselnsfest, and the coffee hour following.
MAHAYANA BUDDHISTS: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the
light bulb, and one to not do any of those.
ZEN BUDDHISTS: None. The universe spins the bulb.
TAOISTS: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
MUSLIMS: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
AMISH: One to change the bulb and one to tell him it’s against the will of God.
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: None. The darkness is an illusion.
LUBAVITCHER HASIDIM: Dark? Who says it’s dark?
SATMAR HASIDIM: A man has to do that; it’s beyond the capability of a woman.
OR: Changing lightbulbs is a Zionist plot.
BRATZLAVER HASIDIM: None. They will never find one that burns as brightly as the first one.
And my personal (and biased) favorite:
ORTHODOX: Electric currents are a moden innovation. This has never been an issue in Orthodoxy. It is a purely western problem.
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