Intimacy after a stillbirth

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In the case of a faithful couple who recently lost a full-term baby to stillbirth, who have concerns about the wife’s wellbeing and about becoming pregnant again too soon, what options exist regarding intimacy? What options exist for the couple to help and protect themselves in this horrible situation? What does God expect from them?
 
First of all, you have my condolences. You know, being intimate doesn’t mean being sexual. I’m single and I have limited experience in these matters, but right now, worry less about sex and more about how to comfort each other.
 
I’m sorry, my condolences. For health reasons protection in my view can be used, I myself have to use protection.
 
During periods of loss and defeat, I always reflect on Job 1:21, and the book of Job as a whole. It is a powerful display of trust and love in God, no matter what happens.

Praise God that you have a child in heaven who will intercede for you on behalf to God the father. What a blessing! When you die and go in front of God, your child will be right alongside you.

Some others have offered to use protection, which is obviously not recommended and may lead to more problems in the future. Using contraception would only isolate you and your spouse, who need to express physical and emotional love and support now more than ever.

While this situation is tragic, it may be a time where you and your spouse can grow in love and respect to each other and God.

You will be in my prayers. God Bless.
 
Their doctor is probably going to want them to abstain for a while anyway. I had a miscarriage 6 years ago (baby died at 13 weeks and we found out at 14 weeks). The doctor ordered the normal postpartum abstinence. I seemed to be recovering more or less OK, and then I started having abnormal bleeding. We tried for a pregnancy as soon as the doctor allowed and were successful, but there was a whole lot of medically ordered abstinence before that. The charting was also problematic, very similar to postpartum NFP.

On the psychological side, this is a very traumatic event. Even “just” miscarriage produces a very high percentage of PTSD (40%):

A Disturbing Amount Of Women Experience PTSD After A Miscarriage | SELF

I went to a miscarriage/stillbirth group that helped but I stopped once I got pregnant again, because I knew that it would be hard for a miscarriage sufferer to deal with a pregnant lady. But I needed more support. Being pregnant again helped a lot with recovery, but the pregnancy itself was scary because of previous events and my complications. I don’t think I was really 90% done with miscarriage recovery until I was out of the postpartum period with my youngest–that was well over a year later.

Grief can manifest in ways that aren’t explicitly about the loss. For example, one of the symptoms of my grief was being ANGRY with family members who weren’t supportive. The more I’ve recovered, the more at peace I have been able to be about accepting my relatives for who they are. Don’t let grief hurt your other relationships.

Be very careful about choice of therapist, and make sure that they understand that you need to be able to grieve, but at the same time, keep your ability to function, and keep moving forward. After my miscarriage (and this was especially true after the bleeding, anemia, and birth control pills), I started spiraling down with obsessive negative thinking, anger at my family, and spending literally hours a day howling or weeping once the kids were safely off to school. Not great! I got some relief from the obsessive negativity once I got my doctor to take me off the birth control pills, but I was still not great.

Getting pregnant soon helped a lot. There was still a lot of fear and some negativity, but the pregnancy and new baby helped me a lot in moving forward. I would say that by the time the baby was 4-6 months old, I was doing pretty well.

I have to say that there should be some caution about marital intimacy in this situation. Is the bereaved mom actually OK? Does she actually want to do it? Could sex so soon create a mental link between obsessive grief and marital intimacy? It’s a danger. I had a much less serious issue after my miscarriage where I got flowers a few times to cheer myself up when I was grieving. Believe it or not, doing that created a link in my mind where when I see a bouquet of carnations (like while going through the grocery store), it reminds me of my miscarriage. So, be cautious about not creating a situation where marital sex permanently reminds the grieving mother of the stillbirth and her grief. That would be bad.

Patience now could really pay off.
 
I too gave birth to a stillborn baby. I know the heartache of carrying a child and feeling the gift of life inside of you, only to be taken away I knew she was in God’s Hands and after awhile it got a bit easier but it will never go away…I know I will see her again and that brings me peace. I waited as the doctor told me, after 6 months I was with child again and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl… God will look after your child along with the Blessed Mother until you get there…Your child could not be in better Hands. Talk to your doctor ask him or her the pertinet questions. God knows what you are going through, stay close to Him and May Mary keep you safe within Her mantle. God Bless you.
 
After our son was born, my wife and I were not in good shape. We waited a year before being “intimate”. After our miscarriage at six weeks, we waited two months.

Something to keep in mind regarding “protection”, it will not help. Because at the end of the day, you still might get pregnant - then what do you do? If abortion isn’t an option, don’t set yourself up for that being a “final solution”.

Prayers to you and your loved ones during this difficult time.
 
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Deep Sympathy and sorrow for your loss.
My parents lost a baby on it’s first day of life after a crisis and premature birth. She told me you never forget. You eventually will be able to experience joy and welcome new people including babies into your life and you will be happy for others happiness. But, she said, you will never forget that child. That is truly a good thing.

Not answering your question directly, but if the doctor said wait at least 6 weeks (or 10, or 15). Take your time and focus on being healthy. Give yourselves permission to really grieve.
There is a book called the Grief Handbook. It was highly suggest it for all sorts of grief.
 
egretps said:
There is a book called the Grief Handbook. It was highly suggest it for all sorts of grief.
Click to expand...
I don’t know specifically about that book, but I think books can be very helpful.

I got a lot out of “What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage.”
 
There’s obviously a lot going on after a stillbirth. I know this might not be about you, but I’m going to reply on a more personal level. It is something more than I can handle, I think, and you ought to realize how absolutely courageous an act such as this is - when one seeks to even understand how to love again, to regain the intimacy from within the marriage.

There’s no simple answer, and all of the advice above is excellent. But remember that God places no pressure on you, for He knows His plan. Seek His advice always, in every hour, beginning now if you have not yet. Just say to Him, “my God, just tell me what to do, lead me where You need me, lead us where you need us, lead my husband where You need him.”

He has been with you through it all, and the Blessed Mother is holding three souls in her hands and saying “be still.” God does not expect anything after such a traumatic event, because He will show you. All you must do is ask. His mercy endures forever.
 
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the Grief Recovery Handbook: The action program for moving beyond death, divorce, and other losses John W. James and Russell Friedman
 
Reach out to the Family Life office at your Diocese to find a grief support group.

This group operates in some States and I know Catholics who have been involved in it https://www.mend.org/

C S Lewis wrote about grief in a powerful way.
 
Sorry to hear your loss. I can’t console you because you have lost of valuable things. Wish you all the best next time.
 
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