J
JamalChristophr
Guest
I think perhaps a problem might be with your mindset. I’'m not blaming you, but it seems that our culture places far too much emphasis on satisfying sexual intimacy and that can skew a person’s thinking.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
- Status
- Not open for further replies.
J
JamalChristophr
Guest
I think this is the statement you really need to reflect on with your therapist and interiorly. Your feelings of being unsatisfied are something that the spouses in the best of marriage live with, unless I"m mistaken. It’s called being not yet in heaven. It’s the human condition. It seems you might be looking for a feeling of being satisfied by something that cannot do this for you.I don’t know how to bring her closer, while at the same time trying to be happy when something so close to my core feels unsatisied.
Last edited:
H
HardWork
Guest
Thank you all again. This has been a great help for me.
H
HardWork
Guest
We have confirmed she healed fine physically from the births, that was one of our initial things that was confirmed when we started working on our intimacy.
I do think that the whole process of pregnancy and child birth Lolly brought back a lot of her body issues she had from before we where together.
I don’t know about the PTSD at this point but a few years back it definitely felt like it was part of our issue.
I keep thinking about my comment that we are at twice a week for intimacy and looking back over the last 6 months it may have been and overstatement but it doesn’t change the pressure around intimacy that is very real for her no matter how hard I try to remove it.
A few years back we did the love language stuff and that is still a large concern of mine because physical touch was my top and her bottom number. It sticks with me that may be the feelings of love I crave and sustains my heart and full me with joy may never happen. At this point I don’t know the answer to the question of can I be ok with it for the rest of my time on earth. Having children makes life very complicated and I don’t want to lose any of the precious time with them. But I also don’t want them to grow up in a house without a good example of love.
I shared with her yesterday my struggles with feeling helpless and my desire to come to grips with the fact this issue is not something I can do for her. So my questions to my self are how long can I wait and keep hope that it can change. It has been a very long 5 years already and I try all the time to stay positive and pray on this issue but my flame of hope has continued to dwindle and feels like just an ember at this point.
Has anyone else had any similar circumstances when they where able to keep their hope alive? The hope that their partner would see and want to help with their partners needs?
I do think that the whole process of pregnancy and child birth Lolly brought back a lot of her body issues she had from before we where together.
I don’t know about the PTSD at this point but a few years back it definitely felt like it was part of our issue.
I keep thinking about my comment that we are at twice a week for intimacy and looking back over the last 6 months it may have been and overstatement but it doesn’t change the pressure around intimacy that is very real for her no matter how hard I try to remove it.
A few years back we did the love language stuff and that is still a large concern of mine because physical touch was my top and her bottom number. It sticks with me that may be the feelings of love I crave and sustains my heart and full me with joy may never happen. At this point I don’t know the answer to the question of can I be ok with it for the rest of my time on earth. Having children makes life very complicated and I don’t want to lose any of the precious time with them. But I also don’t want them to grow up in a house without a good example of love.
I shared with her yesterday my struggles with feeling helpless and my desire to come to grips with the fact this issue is not something I can do for her. So my questions to my self are how long can I wait and keep hope that it can change. It has been a very long 5 years already and I try all the time to stay positive and pray on this issue but my flame of hope has continued to dwindle and feels like just an ember at this point.
Has anyone else had any similar circumstances when they where able to keep their hope alive? The hope that their partner would see and want to help with their partners needs?
I
Irishmom2
Guest
You say you understand her and then your last paragraph basically says "but what about me? What are you going to do for **me? **
H
HardWork
Guest
That is my dilemma. I don’t feel I can go to my wife for my physical desires so what do I do while I wait for her to figure her out?
I don’t know how to answer for myself that I can’t get my need fulfilled through my marriage but I am not a cheater and that would only make this all worse. How do I deal with my need while waiting? It is where I feel stuck, I have tried all kinds of things to lower my libido but have not found the solution to push my desires down or away.
I don’t know how to answer for myself that I can’t get my need fulfilled through my marriage but I am not a cheater and that would only make this all worse. How do I deal with my need while waiting? It is where I feel stuck, I have tried all kinds of things to lower my libido but have not found the solution to push my desires down or away.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
What you are talking about is a desire, not a need. Perhaps you should think about that. There are things we need to live and things we desire. You do not need to be sexual with your wife, you desire it. As I said in a previous post, you need to look at what is lacking in yourself because you said even when you are “together” you don’t feel the connection you desire. That is on you, not her.
You can live with little or no sex. No one dies from not having it. People live celibate lives every day, you wouldn’t be the first. (You may want to use the search feature, there have been threads about that in the past, btw.) People have illnesses or handicaps that do not allow them to be physical. They live with it, they deal with it. Their spouses are compassionate and respectful. So, it can be done.
You can live with little or no sex. No one dies from not having it. People live celibate lives every day, you wouldn’t be the first. (You may want to use the search feature, there have been threads about that in the past, btw.) People have illnesses or handicaps that do not allow them to be physical. They live with it, they deal with it. Their spouses are compassionate and respectful. So, it can be done.
C
Clementine14
Guest
Your wife is being loving by being intimate with you twice a week, even when she’s not feeling like it. Even when she feels pressured to “perform” a certain way and you tell her that you are disappointed with it. That is love. I am not sure I could do that.Having children makes life very complicated and I don’t want to lose any of the precious time with them. But I also don’t want them to grow up in a house without a good example of love.
I can attest that healing physically from a difficult childbirth does not necessarily mean you heal psychologically. Sometimes even though you’ve been cleared physically by a doctor, the trauma is still there in your mind.
Add in taking care of a couple of young children, and your husband consistently telling you that you’re not good enough in bed…you mentioned you don’t know how to be close to her while you are so dissatisfied. Stop telling her she isn’t satisfying you, and thank her for her generosity in giving herself to you when she isn’t in the mood. Keep yourself busy by doing your part around the house. If you are not too tired as a husband and father of two children to still want sex twice a day, you’re probably not busy enough.
Stop focusing so much on what you think you aren’t getting, and focus more on being intimate in other ways. You say that you know that she knows you don’t “expect” anything, yet you’ve made it clear to her that you’re not happy, so she probably feels (rightly so) that you don’t mean it when you give her a massage and tell her you don’t expect anything. You have to mean it.
- Status
- Not open for further replies.