Introversion and friends and family?

[LongingForLight]

This isn’t a specifically Catholic question, but my gut says that Catholics will have better, healthier, holier answers than what I might get elsewhere.

My husband and I are both highly introverted and need a lot of time to ourselves or we start becoming prone to irritability, depression, and so on. Social interaction is very draining for both of us. As the woman, and because I have more social skills, I end up dealing with our social lives despite already being much busier. I frequently get guilt-tripped by well-meaning friends and some of our rather large family for not staying in close touch, and this is a great source of stress for me. It is especially stressful as my husband resents any time I take away from him, since I have little enough time to spare as it is and he feels most loved when I spend significant amounts of time just relaxing with him; and as my children don’t get enough of my attention as it is because of my employment.

Any ideas about how I can help these people who are guilt-tripping me feel less neglected without taking on too much stress and commitment? It gets to the point where caring for these relationships is a real chore that I schedule with the rest of our housework - and I find myself growing resentful of the high price of these friendships to my energy and time, which I would honestly rather give to my husband and children (who often deal with their stress over my lack of availability by behaving more needily around me). I feel like no matter what I do, someone will blame me for not being available.

 

[kennewickmike]

I would focus on your immediate family first. Have you thought about righting something like you just did to your family and friends and letting the chips fall where the may. I know that is easier said than done, but you might be prolonging your suffering if you don’t.

That is my thoughts, but I am not an expert in this field so take them for what they are worth.

 

[LongingForLight]

Have you thought about righting something like you just did to your family and friends and letting the chips fall where the may. I know that is easier said than done, but you might be prolonging your suffering if you don’t.

I have frequently written and said similar things to everyone, and some of them seem to have listened. However, right after writing this post I also took five minutes to reply to the specific relatives who prompted this post and let them know more or less what I told you, and let them know that I am looking for ways to handle the situation without having them be left out. Somehow it just seemed like the kind of thing the smart people here would come up with Glad you showed I was right

I’m also thinking of maybe creating a Google calendar to add some transparency to our situation, so people understand that I’m not just blowing them off. I think some people have a hard time understanding what 11 hours a day away from home and little children to care for (and their social life to manage as well) does to your schedule. That may also help them figure out when they can get in touch with us via IM, phone, etc.

This might also be a good way to use Twitter and Facebook status updates - so people who really want to get in touch with us and are willing to initiate contact can see when I’m available to talk, or when I can IM but need to be quiet so the kids fall asleep, etc.

A blog could also help - just saying what we do each week, and letting people know once a month what our weekends look like for the next two months.

Eventually, I’d like to write a simple piece of software to help me cycle through all of our friends and family and just drop them a note - something like, “send me a daily email with the name of the person I’m contacting today”. Hrm, this could actually be a really great Facebook app if I’m willing to put that much effort into it! But better to start simple with the personal app that can just be quick and dirty - little more than a random number generator and a DB. But this will take more time than the other ideas, so not for right now.

I’d also like to eventually do greeting cards and family newsletters, but I really can’t fit that in right now. I’ve asked DH to try, but it always ends up with me nagging him a bunch once he agrees and then blowing a lot of money on supplies that never get used.

Anyone think that any of these sound like good ideas? Or have some ideas that worked for them?

 

[kennewickmike]

I think if you were to do the online thing you mentioned I would do twitter. That way your messages would be short and to the point. A blog could take more of your time do the fact there are no word count restraints.

 

[1ke]

Let me take the opposite position on the Facebook, Twitter, Blog, Calendar…

It’s not their business what your schedule is like, and you don’t have to justify yourself to ANYONE.

Rude people think they are entitled to dictate your social interactions and apply pressure to you if they dislike the way you manager your life and you validate them by adding MORE tasks to your day (keeping up with this calendar/blog/facebook so that THEY can see what you are doing)??? UH, NO WAY.

Rude and needy people will be rude and needy no matter what you do. So, I suggest that the solution lies in adjusting your attitude, not your activity.

They can only guilt you if you allow their behavior to influence you, your family, and your decision making.

If you can’t respond right away, attend an event, or whatever, you simply say “Thank you for the invite, but we won’t be able to attend.” Any inappropriate response to that statement-- ignore. Turn off your phone, put an auto reply on your email, and enjoy YOUR life. Don’t live your life as others deem appropriate.

 

[Sr_Sally]

I’m with 1ke. We are also an relatively introverted family. Thankfully I don’t work 11 hour days and my kids are now older, but we still often prefer just relaxing together, reading or watching a movie than rushing to another commitment. That said, I do think relationships with family and friends are important and we should make some effort to stay in touch with our families and circle of friends (or we’ll find that we don’t have any friends left!) I don’t think I would bother posting my personal calendar or creating twitter account (I know lots of the folks I am trying to stay in touch with wouldn’t follow that anyway), but I do like the idea of personal reminders to contact folks. Certainly you should send cards or call on birthdays and holidays. Maybe set up a visit schedule (without advertising it) for once a quarter or something like that. Call and say, Hey how about we get together for dinner Saturday the 20th or whatever and if they can make it great and if not you get a night back!

 

[monicatholic]

So, I suggest that the solution lies in adjusting your attitude, not your activity.

excellent post.

and pray. your tendency to get undone because of others’ expectations and disaproval can be turned around by grace obtained through prayer.

God is our merciful judge. no one else is.

(but do be careful to discern the difference between retreat and isolation. retreat, healthy. isoaltion, perhaps not.)

 

[srlucado]

Let me take the opposite position on the Facebook, Twitter, Blog, Calendar…

It’s not their business what your schedule is like, and you don’t have to justify yourself to ANYONE.

Rude people think they are entitled to dictate your social interactions and apply pressure to you if they dislike the way you manager your life and you validate them by adding MORE tasks to your day (keeping up with this calendar/blog/facebook so that THEY can see what you are doing)??? UH, NO WAY.

Rude and needy people will be rude and needy no matter what you do. So, I suggest that the solution lies in adjusting your attitude, not your activity.

They can only guilt you if you allow their behavior to influence you, your family, and your decision making.

If you can’t respond right away, attend an event, or whatever, you simply say “Thank you for the invite, but we won’t be able to attend.” Any inappropriate response to that statement-- ignore. Turn off your phone, put an auto reply on your email, and enjoy YOUR life. Don’t live your life as others deem appropriate.

Yep. If these people love you, they will understand and accommodate you–instead of it always being the other way around. If they don’t love you, why distress yourself so much in a perpetually futile effort to please them?

 

[Mintaka]

If you are proactive about contacting other people on a regular basis, you can then hide from incoming calls with a clear conscience. Seriously, though, they are less likely to freak out and call you every five minutes if they know that you’ll call them on Monday every two or three weeks.

Good luck!

 

[chevalier]

My “empathies”. I can offer no good advice, but at least I understand you. I have this same kind of thing, except I’m weird compared to what you are, as I often turn out extroverted in tests because I have people skills and I like humans. On the other hand, I have a helluva inner world to the point you could carve continents in my head. At times I’m very detached from the normal world and I sort of take it as a variable, not a constant, or perhaps seeing any current moment as a point where many possible different pasts cross with many possible different futures and there’s the there and now. It’s annoying for other people and I can’t possibly imagine a “normal person” being e.g. married to me and being happy, although a parent or sibling can deal with it and a child could possibly too. I generally prefer friendships to rely on a natural affinity and some kind of liking, so conscious efforts are somewhat foreign to me and I have to force myself, even though I might seem to be the life of the party. Life’s tough but I’m not giving it away for a different one. I like it as it is and I see it as a kind of book that’s constantly being written.

 

[NewStartEachDay]

I can’t really help you out but I can commiserate a bit. My husband and I are loners/introverts who are perfectly happy with how we are. However, I come from a big family that wants to get together for every occasion possible. Not just regular holidays, but everyone’s birthdays, national holidays, family picnics, etc Growing up, we all used to get together on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day; also, New Years’ Eve AND New Years’ Day! I’ve been married for twelve years and my mother is only now starting to get comfortable with the fact that we (husband and I) just want to STAY HOME on New Years Day!

I have found email to be invaluable in communications with family and friends.