Invitation!

[BOBKAT]

Hello everyone,

I have a question,my niece is getting married and she doesn’t want to invite some of her aunts and uncles. I feel that she has the right to not invite whom she doesn’t want there, however we have some who think everybody should be invited. My case is this, the people who she doesn’t want to invite will most likely not come anyway and they really don’t ever see each other either so why set yourself up for rejection when you about to embark on a new life. I may be wrong and so that is why I am asking your thoughts.

God Bless

 

[LSK]

How would they feel about receiving an announcement instead of an invitation? That way she is being courteous but not setting herself up for rejection?

Just an idea…

 

[vluvski]

She may invite or not invite whomever she pleases, but I’d say it is more in the spirit of a wedding celebration to include members of your family despite disagreements. If the schism is that deep, the invitees will understand it was a courtesy invitation and respond with regrets.
My fiance’s brother told him we were stupid not to be prematurely enjoying our marital privledges to ‘test to goods’ before making the commitment, but he’s still a groomsman.
Unless these relatives have truly done something horrific, I can’t imagine what would keep you from inviting them. Putting up with crotchety Aunt Dorothy for a couple hours is probably better than hearing for years about how she wasn’t invited. Maybe it’s an opportunity to heal family wounds and bring people to the light of Christ.

 

[LSK]

And you didn’t call him a slut? I am proud of you!

 

[Island_Oak]

Your ONLY role in this controversy is to decide for yourself whether to acccept or decline the invitation if you received one. If you did not receive one–don’t gossip or speculate about why not. You don’t get to vote on the invitation list. If others want to engage you in gossip or speculation…don’t go there.

 

[Firebug]

If they’re most likely not going to show up anyways, why not just send invitations? That’s what I would do anyway.

 

[kaymart]

If she has a reason, why not. It’s her choice. Some people have a reason. One of my family members constantly made racist jokes especially when drunk he told one to many “Spanish” jokes —my in laws are all Chiliean!!! I should have know better, I knew what a moron this guy can be, but not to “ruffle feathers” I invited him to make everyone happy (on my side) luckly they (the in laws)got over it and wrote him off as misguided fool. Needless to say he was not invited to our Daughter’s Baptism 15 months later. Don’t even suggest no liquor, I did not have booze at my wedding recp.-he came drunk and brought his own

 

[BOBKAT]

Island Oak:

Your ONLY role in this controversy is to decide for yourself whether to acccept or decline the invitation if you received one. If you did not receive one–don’t gossip or speculate about why not. You don’t get to vote on the invitation list. If others want to engage you in gossip or speculation…don’t go there.

Actually I am an invited person and this person my neice whom I do have a relationship with is torn and she doesn’t have that much money so she is limilted anyhow. The family members are members who for what ever reason don’t attend family functions and one of them made a comment that they will not go to any family parties. So I suggested she not frett and invite only those with whom she wants. I know that my sound unchristian, but where do you draw the line. I am the oldest and my parents are deceased so most of the neices and nephews ask my advice while I wasn’t a divider by nature I will not subject myself to someones company just for the sake of it. So that is why I am asking. I don’t want to think that I am right based on my personal feelings I just needed help to know that I told her something that is morally acceptable.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut
Kathleen

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Firebug:

If they’re most likely not going to show up anyways, why not just send invitations? That’s what I would do anyway.

I like the idea of sending a wedding anouncement. It still includes them (if done nicely) and solves the dilema.

As to sending invitations to people you know will not show up, it can appear to be a “gift grab”.

If you know they won’t show up and you send an invitation, maybe you could specify on the RSVP to please not send a gift if they will not be attending.

You could go as far as to list your favorite charity and tell them to donate money there if they feel inappropriate about not sending a gift.

Malia

 

[Island_Oak]

BOBKAT:

Actually I am an invited person and this person my neice whom I do have a relationship with is torn and she doesn’t have that much money so she is limilted anyhow. The family members are members who for what ever reason don’t attend family functions and one of them made a comment that they will not go to any family parties. So I suggested she not frett and invite only those with whom she wants. I know that my sound unchristian, but where do you draw the line. I am the oldest and my parents are deceased so most of the neices and nephews ask my advice while I wasn’t a divider by nature I will not subject myself to someones company just for the sake of it. So that is why I am asking. I don’t want to think that I am right based on my personal feelings I just needed help to know that I told her something that is morally acceptable.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut
Kathleen

Sorry–I misunderstood your issue. I thought the invites were already out and you were wondering what to do about the complaining of those who weren’t invited. If the bride-to-be is asking your opinion before sending anything, I love the suggestion of an announcement. It includes everyone, gets the news out, gives people a genuine option about sending a gift and doesn’t require or even suggest the attendance of everyone who receives it. Those she want to have in attendance would then get an invitation to the ceremony (and reception if she has one).

 

[vluvski]

Feanaro's Wife:

I like the idea of sending a wedding anouncement. It still includes them (if done nicely) and solves the dilema.

As to sending invitations to people you know will not show up, it can appear to be a “gift grab”.

If you know they won’t show up and you send an invitation, maybe you could specify on the RSVP to please not send a gift if they will not be attending.

You could go as far as to list your favorite charity and tell them to donate money there if they feel inappropriate about not sending a gift.

Malia

I know I said otherwise (and that is my opinion, not what is proper), but Malia is right on the announcement; here’s a loose paraphrase from a widely-respected secular wedding etiquette book. ~Family members who won’t or can’t come should be sent announcements, not invitations, so the couple can’t be accused of fishing for gifts from long-lost-distant-cousin-Pam. Also, invitations should not specify registry information or a charity to which guests should donate. That should be spread by word of mouth. It is proper, though not required, to include an option for online RSVP. Guests who do not attend are not expected to send a gift anyway.~
Now begin my personal opinion. If I hadn’t read the book, I might’ve been offended if I received an announcement just because the person thought I wouldn’t come. I also appreciated having registry info on the invite so it was easy for me to pick out a gift for my friend.
A way around the registry dilemma is to register for a free wedding website at weddingchannel.com or theknot.com, and use their RSVP function. The website can safely be included on the invitation. You even get a personalized address at weddingchannel.com! Then when guests RSVP, they will be able to view your registries from your website. Some charities can be listed under registries, but the only one that I saw that wasn’t somewhat questionable was special olympics. Probably there are other legit charities that aren’t sketchy, but i didn’t want to take chances. Anyone know otherwise about SO, let me know and I’ll take it off. Every gift purchase made through the site adds some percent donation to that charity at weddingchannel.com. PP is on there, :banghead:
I also was totally oblivious to the fact that it is VERY BAD etiquette to arrive at the wedding with your gift. How many people commit this faux pas??? I’ve been a violator myself, but thinking about having to transport a pile of gifts back home after the wedding is nauseating, so I can definitely see a point to this rule.
The book is funny and helpful, but I can’t really recommend it highly because some of her recommendations are too P.C. to be Catholic. The author is Kim Shaw.