Involuntary singleness and permanent diaconate

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I am a 30 years old man, highly educated, with a decently payed job, trying to take the Catholic faith seriously. I live in a country in Central Europe which is heavily secularized (although nominally still mostly Catholic). One of my main personal issues is my involuntary singleness, i. e. the inability to find a girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I was and still am involuntary single throughout my entire youth and adulthood. Of course, I have been proactive in meeting/dating with various women (some of them being attractive and decent Catholic girls), but without a concrete and lasting success. Furthermore, I do not consider myself as a visually repugnant or socially awkward person (my friends, colleagues, and other people who know me agree on that as well). In all these years I have been more or less convinced that my vocation is marriage (as the natural or default vocation for the vast majority of Catholics and other people in general).

On the other hand, I was always open to the option of priesthood: I regularly go to mass and receive the sacraments, I am very interested in theology, liturgy, ecclesiastical history, sacred art, etc. However, due to personal reasons and objective circumstances in the local Church, I think that my decision in favor of priesthood is not realistic. Nevertheless, at least theoretically, a more viable option would be considering permanent celibate/unmarried diaconate as the first rank of ordained ministry: retaining my current occupation and existential autonomy, but, at the same time, serving the Church in a deeper and more active way.

Based on the explanations above and, particularly, on the fact that I was never able to find a (potential) spouse, the following question (that has been bothering me for some time) arises: Is God sending me “signs” or “signals” that I am not destined to marry (although I want to be married)? Is considering the permanent celibate/unmarried deaconate because of my inability to find a spouse a valid and honest reason?
 
I do not think it is a valid reason if that is the only reason you are considering it.

I do think that you are too young to give up on the idea of marriage if that is your heart’s desire. And since you could not marry after you become a deacon, I think you should wait. I also think you May be too young to be a deacon right now, but you would need to check on that.
 
@Irishmom2: thank you for your thoughts. Just a minor correction: minimum age for unmarried permanent deacons is 25, while for married ones is 35.
 
I would agree with @Irishmom2 that you’re too young to give up on marriage yet. Give it another decade of discernment. Of course, bring this up with your spiritual director at the next opportunity.
 
MPeterP said:
However, due to personal reasons and objective circumstances in the local Church, I think that my decision in favor of priesthood is not realistic.
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I have to admit that I don’t understand what this means.

Overall, I would agree that 30 is too young to decide that you will never get married. A lot of people get married in their 30s now. It’s also entirely possible to get married in your 40s and beyond. I think the oldest I have personally known someone get married was about 76 if I remember correctly.
 
While permanent deacons fulfill many tasks especially teaching and liturgical in their parishes, the bishops rely on deacons to lead social justice ministries in the diocese and “serve at table” (Acts 6:2) I would start investigating those ministries (homelessness, refugees, prison ministry, etc.) and see which ones you really like.

Don’t worry about “messing up” with God by a wrong decision. If God wants you ordained, you will be ordained.
 
I’d also note that preparing for the diaconate, but not being ordained until an appropriate point in marriage, is an option.

In the East, EO and EC, it is common for men to leave seminary but not be ordained until after being crowned in matrimony.

I don’t know if it is still the case, but in some jurisdictions (such as the Russian OC), it was historically not possible to be ordained outside the monastery unless married. The Russians have a saint noted for marrying a young man on her deathbed so that he could be ordained [note: I am not suggesting this as a path! 😱]
 
@dochawk: Interesting observations, thak you for your reply, but this is not relevant according to the rules and practices of the Roman/Latin Catholic Church of our time (myself being part of it).
 
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MPeterP said:
@Irishmom2: thank you for your thoughts. Just a minor correction: minimum age for unmarried permanent deacons is 25, while for married ones is 35.
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However, you will probably find that dioceses have their own rules about the age limit —and it’s going to be highly unusual for someone at 25 to be admitted to the permanent diaconate.
 
Honestly entering the diaconate as a ‘second choice’ doesn’t sound very promising.
If, as you said, you feel strongly called to marriage and your area is secularized, you may try using internet catholic dating apps to enlarge your pool of potential spouses or get to know various Catholic groups in your area/country (for example if there are Catholic cultural events, volunteer events etc.). Also try to understand if you have certain expectations that make finding a spouse very hard (for example if you are looking for a ‘saintly’ woman that looks like a top model, if you are looking only for people interested in EF of Mass, if you date only your own ethnicity or only people with a certain education or social status etc.)
 
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I appreciate your devotion, and I think we are on the same boat. Although I strongly hope that I will get married and then becoming a permanent deacon later down the road, I also decided that if I can’t get married by the age of 40, then I’ll go for priesthood. I think 30 is too early to give up. Here in Japan, most of those who get married do so in their 30s. That’s normal in societies where lots of people pursue higher education. Just give yourself more time.
 
Irishmom2 said:
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new-kirishitan:
if I can’t get married by the age of 40, then I’ll go for priesthood.
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The priesthood should never be looked upon as a fall back option.
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Likewise, the diaconate should not be looked at as a fall back option. In both cases, there should be a discernible call to those ministries as opposed to a running away from something else.
 
Fallback option or not, I think it’s still a noble SACRIFICE for someone to become a priest. And from a demographic point of view, we need people to reproduce to keep the society thriving. So let those who can’t get married become priests and let those who can get married reproduce, so we don’t end up with an aging society. If the person who could have got married ends up becomes a priest, and the person who couldn’t get married doesn’t, the society doesn’t gain younger generation, and aging problem gets worse. Here in Japan, where birth rate is really low, I would prefer to see more priests from countries with high birth rate like Vietnam come here, instead of seeing Japanese men choosing to become priests. I like the Japanese people and their culture, and I don’t want to see this ethnicity head toward extinction.
 
MPeterP said:
Nevertheless, at least theoretically, a more viable option would be considering permanent celibate/unmarried diaconate as the first rank of ordained ministry
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But do you feel called to it as opposed to seeing it as plan B?

There are other ways to serve. There are third orders which you should also feel called to. There are other lay associations and ministries you could join if your goal is to serve.
 
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Ideally, I would like to serve the Church as a member of the clergy, WITHOUT giving up the option of getting married and having a family. This is not my fallback option. Now, if I couldn’t get married, then why waste my life staying single without becoming a priest, when I could do more contribution to the Church?
 
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True, but there are many things that a lay believer can’t do, while a deacon can. And there are also a few things that a deacon can’t do, while a priest can. While possible, I’d like to minimize waste and utilize everything to its fullest extent for the Church and the society. Also, I personally believe that when you are a member of the clergy, and people see you in the Roman collar, they tend to pay more attention to what you say and take it seriously, whereas a lay teacher won’t be perceived as credible as the clergy. Plus, a well-trained clergy will have far more knowledge about the Christian faith than a lay teacher, too. To me, this will make a big difference when you try to evangelize someone. As a convert who went through RCIA, I would seriously doubt his/her credibility if the teacher was a lay believer instead of a member of the clergy, and I wouldn’t have take his/her words seriously either. So to maximize what I can do for the Church as well as the effects of those efforts, being an ordained clergy is important.
 
My husband was 35 when we met; my father was 37 when he married my mother. 30 years is not old, especially for a man! Continue to discern and pray.
 
Because priesthood is a vocation, not just something anyone can choose. I think the kinds of statements you are making here may be well-intentioned, but they would not be received well by most vocation directors I’ve known. God doesn’t call every man who isn’t married to be a priest. And being single is not a “waste.” Many (most?) single people are productive, happy, and fulfilled.
 
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