Is an Unknown Addiction Still Considered a Sacramental Marriage

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My husband and I have been married for about 18 months now, we are both in our early/mid-twenties. While we were dating, we struggled with purity. We never had sex, but still went further than we should have. We always went to the sacrament of penance whenever we fell together. As our relationship progressed (about a year or so in) I, unfortunately, discovered my then boyfriend with some pornographic recent searches. I confronted him and he let me know he “struggled with porn every now and then and want to stop”. I always prayed for him and trusted that he has both the will and relationships/accountability to easily stop using porn.
Fast forward a couple of years, about 7 months into marriage, I walked in on my husband touching himself. I was shocked and confused. Long story short he cried and said he would stop using and speak to an old friend who would be his “accountability”

Fast forward another year, to about 2 days ago, I found a porn stars name and pictures on his computer.
I panicked.
I looked into the search history and found random collections of pornographic searches, (some being the ones he forgot to remove from his history) scattered over the last 2 years or so…including seeing that he used porn not even a week before he proposed, and not even 2 days after (we were long distance for our engagement as I finished up college).

I confronted my husband with this most recent finding, and he admitted he had been using porn at least 2-3x maybe even 4x a week FOR THE PAST YEAR!!!
I am numb.
He has been secretly battling with this what I had thought was a struggle, a serious one of course, but he had lied to me, time in and time again. He would tell me “everything is ok!” or “you need to trust me!”. Come to find out he is a full blown addict one and a half years into our marriage. He also recently told me he didn’t want to have sex anymore out of nowhere, to help him see “that he could abstain from sex” if I were to get pregnant since we have been trying for over a year now.

I don’t even know what to do. I spoke with a sister/nun who questioned the validity of our marriage and said that it be urgent I speak to a priest.

I knew my husband struggled with this horrible thing on and off while we were dating/engaged, but he made it seem like he was “fine” and “had it covered” etc…He made up so many lies so then I wouldn’t be ashamed of him, or leave him.

If I had known he had this much of an addiction/issue I never would have walked down that aisle. It makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about this.
Who knows what else he has lied to me about?

I don’t know who to talk to, where to go, as we just moved to a new state.

Do we still have a sacramental marriage if I never knew how severe this was of an issue, namely, being addicted to pornography and lying to me about it??
 
The presumption you need to make is “yes”. Praying for you. I agree with the advice to speak to a priest.
 
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Well for a true addiction he can have help. Does he compulsively do this in any situation or is it a failure in character and a sin? You found out your spouse sins and looks at porn. If your marriage is invalid so is everyone’s
 
This is also posted in another forum, here:
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Unknown Addiction Still Considered Sacramental Marriage? Liturgy and Sacraments
You are tossing out words like “full blown addict”. Back when you were dating, he “sometimes” looked at porn. You’ve been married 18 months, and for 12 of those he’s looked at porn more frequently, weekly it seems. So, some thoughts: A) We are not psychologists and not qualified to diagnose him as an addict, and neither are you. B) He did not lie to you, or downplay it, or hide anything. He told you the truth that he struggled with porn. He likely did not keep the seriousness from you a…
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Are you asking if your marriage is a sacramental marriage or a valid marriage? (I’m not sure if there’s a difference between sacramental and valid or if the terms are interchangeable.) In any case, there’s no “still” about a valid marriage. Either it is valid (and always will be) or it never was valid in the first place.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I understand you need answers fast. But anonymous strangers on the Internet will not be able to make statements about whether your marriage is valid or not. You need to speak to a priest or a canon lawyer.
 
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Hoosier-Daddy said:
You found out your spouse sins and looks at porn. If your marriage is invalid so is everyone’s
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This is a good point (though it doesn’t mean that your marriage is with 100% certainty valid or invalid. Only a priest or canon lawyer can tell you this).

I have a very happy marriage, but my husband and I have also had our share of rough patches — no porn or addictions, just average struggles that married people have. There’s been more than one time when I’ve thought to myself, “If I had known marriage was going to be this way, I wouldn’t have gotten married!” I don’t think that qualifies me for an annulment. I also don’t think anyone gets married completely knowing what they’re getting into. We promise to stay true in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, generally knowing that our spouse will sin at one point or another.
 
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First of all, what you describe is pretty normal for most younger 20 somethings. At least it isn’t out of the ordinary. Normal doesn’t equal moral (though). If you and he believe it to be immoral, then it is a problem regardless of statistical data. If he is OK with it, but you believe it to be immoral, then that is still a problem for both of you.

I wouldn’t blow this problem out of proportion. The two of you need to find a counselor to help you get through this. Secular therapists will tell you this shouldn’t necessarily be a problem for you as a couple because it is “normal”. I would suggest you find a Catholic therapist who understands the Church’s teachings, and thus why it matters to you.
 
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I’m questioning if my marriage is valid***
I know we have a sacramental marriage, as we are in a monogamous (technically), heterosexual union, open to life, and want to bring up children (I am somewhat infertile) if we are able to have any into the Catholic Church. So no question there.
As for it being sacramental, that is where I need a priest or someone knowledgeable enough on the four pillars of what determines a marriage sacramental or not.
My husband lacks impulse control along with obsesses over the porn, thus determining he has an addiction. He cannot stop on his own, as he told me the other day, he has been using since we got married, before, and definitely after. Which he told me he was free of all and any porn a year before we got engaged, and a year after we were married, which was a lie. A serious one.

I understand no marriage is perfect, as my parents got divorced, and received an annulment since their marriage was not sacramental due to some other serious issues.
Marriage is hard, I understand that. But to have infidelity such as this going on while I had no idea the gravity nor seriousness of his now knowing, addiction is different than “We promise to stay true in good times and bad”.
Honestly, I would be very careful if I were you to bring that up after someone tells you their husband/wife has been lying to them about an addiction they’ve been keeping from the light.
“Oh well, no marriage is perfect! I know marriage is hard but man, suck it up!” kind of mentality is very insensitive and shows a total lack of sympathy.
Glad you had “the average struggles” but don’t project that onto others just because your marriage isn’t “as difficult” or “unstable” in comparison.
And yes, of course “your partner is going to sin at one point”…What kind of statement is that? Thank you for downplaying addiction??

When your partner suffers from addiction, whether it’s porn, drugs, gambling, etc. That adds an entirely new perspective into the vows you took on your wedding day. I hope and pray to God you continue to have “average struggles”. No kidding.
 
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Here’s the deal. Your marriage is PRESUMED valid. Even with the info you have. Marriage is an odd duck with how you would investigate validity. You would have to divorce to investigate it. It isn’t like say baptism where you can conduct an investigation if you have legitimate questions. For some odd reason, the Church bows to the state with this investigation into one of it’s sacraments by requiring a divorce to investigate.
 
You are both Catholic, so validity and it being sacramental are the same thing.
 
So in order for the Church to see if a marriage is truly valid/sacramental you have to go through a divorce first???
 
True2Live said:
As for it being sacramental, that is where I need a priest or someone knowledgeable enough on the four pillars of what determines a marriage sacramental or not.
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A valid marriage between two baptized people is by its nature also a sacrament.
 
True2Live said:
So in order for the Church to see if a marriage is truly valid/sacramental you have to go through a divorce first???
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I try to sum up the others replies to answer your last question:

Your sacramental marriage, is presumed valid.

If, , and only if, you divorce, you might petition the ecclesiastical tribunal if you see a motivation that may made the “contract” void.
The validity of your marriage will not be examinated, and a definitive answer will not be given to you unless this process will be done.
 
I mentioned that each marriage is presumed valid. It has the favor of law. But you cannot find out if your marriage was invalid (null) unless and until you get a divorce. I’m not sure why. I have two problems with that. 1. It involves the state (a certificate of divorce) in the investigation if a sacrament. And 2. Pope Francis has mused that many marriages might be invalid. And that might be something nice to know even if the couple wants to stay married or correct the issue.
 
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I’m sorry I made you mad. I read your other thread, and now I realize he explicitly lied to you about it before and after your marriage. I don’t think I fully understood that when I made my other posts.

Look, porn is a serious thing. It’s a grave sin against the sixth Commandment, and lying to you about it so that you wouldn’t break off the engagement is even worse. The use of porn and the lying definitely need to stop, and your husband needs help from a professional if he does indeed have some sort of addiction. And, yes, his soul is likely in danger from this sin. But none of this is automatically grounds for an annulment.

I’m not telling you to “suck it up”. I feel for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Really, I’m trying to help you. In your original post, you ask if your marriage is valid and say that you would never have married him if you knew this, which implies that you want out of the marriage. I’m telling you that your marriage is presumed valid, and will continue to be presumed valid until you and your husband are civilly divorced. So, while I’m not telling you to “suck it up and be glad it’s not something worse,” I am telling you that you need to try to work this out and stay faithful to your vows rather than jumping to an investigation of whether or not you have a valid marriage.
 
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All Sacarmental marriages are presumed valid until proven otherwise.

All Natural marriages (non-Sacramental, marriages where one or neither party is validly baptized) are presumed valid until proven otherwise.

Falling to the sin of masturbation/pornography does not in and of itself invalidate a marriage (Natural or Sacramental). If this ongoing sin was hidden from the potential spouse, kept secret, and if the potential spouse would have refused to marry had the sin been revealed, it could be grounds for nullity.

It appears that this sin was disclosed prior to marriage, that you were aware. Likely you thought marriage would change him perhaps?

Encourage your husband to seek a spiritual director, join a Catholic men’s group where he can have positive peer support and role models who are older men.

This is likely the most common sin that a parish priest deals with. Don’t give this sin “superpowers”. It can be overcome, it does not have to be the end of all.

Prayers!
 
Actually, Pope Benedict mused the same thing. I believe rule about needing a divorce is part of canon law, rather it is the process established by many dioceses. It does make some sense, if there is legitimate doubt about a marriage’s invalidity, a pastor can always perform a convalidation of the marriage or work with the bishop to provide radical sanation. I do not think it takes a ruling of nullity from a tribunal for these to be done.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Encourage your husband to seek a spiritual director, join a Catholic men’s group where he can have positive peer support and role models who are older men.

This is likely the most common sin that a parish priest deals with. Don’t give this sin “superpowers”. It can be overcome, it does not have to be the end of all.
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@True2Live ^^^ This! I’m sure at point in your vows you promised the " in good times and in bad times" or something to that effect. This is what that meant.
 
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