Is he too old? YES, of course he’s too old!
A 12 year old boy is often times post-pubescent and reaching sexual maturity. He doesn’t need the added confusion of sleeping in the same bed as his mother–on top of all the other issues he must deal with, regarding his parents’ divorce and his mother’s depression.
Psycho-sexual development is of paramount importance in the shaping of one’s personality and choices down the road. This unhealthy boundary and strange way of relating to his mother (at this mature age) could lead to all sorts of confused behavior later on.
I have worked with teenagers (both “typical kids” and juvenile offenders, as well as abuse victims) aged 12-18. So many kids who have parents suffering from depression often feel personally responsible. Your nephew may be feeling a sense of guilt–as if he “has” to continue sleeping with her to offer the small amount of comfort he may visualize it providing.
It sounds like he is also witnessing some very distrubing behavior in regards to his mother acting irresponsibly about financial security and employment.
At 12 years old, your nephew is old enough to probably begin questioning the arrangement himself. Can someone just BUY him a twin bed??? I have seen ones for sale under $100. I wouldn’t promote “asking him” if it’s “okay” if he move to a different bed–the time is UP. It’s just not healthy. But of course discussing with him, excitedly, the idea of a new bed all his own would be totally appropriate. And of course probing for any anxiety that might be felt at moving to the new bed is the compassionate thing to do–while reassuring him that he will still be safe.
As for the “poor boy” dealing with his parents issues–you said that happened nine years ago! So I doubt the wounds are still fresh and at least SOME healing has probably taken place.
I keep giving this site out, but here it is again…
catholictherapists.com
Reccommend some therapy! If she is unemployed, does he have insurance? Someone has to take care of this little guy if his mother is unable… Even his school counselor could be asked for some guidance in this situation. I guarantee if you told his school that he was still sleeping in a bed with his mother, the panic button would be pushed. If you can solve the sleeping arrangement yourselves–you still might consider talking to the school counselor to offer some support for your nephew’s difficult environment with his mother’s instability.
I’ll be praying for your family.
Abby