Is he too old?

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Mary_s_Lamb

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My sister was divorced 9 years ago. She moved in with my parents with her son. He was upset about all the conflict and changes in his life, so she would comfort him by sleeping with him. Well he’s now 12 years old and she still sleeps with him. When he’s at his father’s house, he sleeps alone in his own bed. Is he too old to still be sleeping with his mom on a regular basis?
 
In my opinion yes, if he is sleeping alone at his fathers house then there is really no reason for this to continue and maybe he doesn’t like it maybe its the mother who is having a difficult time letting go, I just don’t think it should continue at that age, there are many other ways she can show her son that she is there for him and offer her love and support, time for them to both be in their own beds in their own rooms. My opinion only of course 😃
 
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I am upset that this situation persists. My mom and I have talked to her about it many times. But she is in a chronic state of depression and does what is easiest for her, not necessarily what is best for the boy. It’s good to hear from someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation. You can be more objective.

She has also been unemployed for a year and a half. She enjoyed the unemployment money. And so she didn’t even start to look for work until it ran out.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her?
 
Imho, I don’t think it is really your place to tell her what to do. I would like someone to show me even one study where cosleeping causes psychological harm. This poor boy is going through so much trauma. I think the last thing you need to be worried about is where he sleeps. This is the least of his problems.
 
Is he too old? YES, of course he’s too old! :eek: A 12 year old boy is often times post-pubescent and reaching sexual maturity. He doesn’t need the added confusion of sleeping in the same bed as his mother–on top of all the other issues he must deal with, regarding his parents’ divorce and his mother’s depression.

Psycho-sexual development is of paramount importance in the shaping of one’s personality and choices down the road. This unhealthy boundary and strange way of relating to his mother (at this mature age) could lead to all sorts of confused behavior later on. :confused:

I have worked with teenagers (both “typical kids” and juvenile offenders, as well as abuse victims) aged 12-18. So many kids who have parents suffering from depression often feel personally responsible. Your nephew may be feeling a sense of guilt–as if he “has” to continue sleeping with her to offer the small amount of comfort he may visualize it providing.

It sounds like he is also witnessing some very distrubing behavior in regards to his mother acting irresponsibly about financial security and employment.

At 12 years old, your nephew is old enough to probably begin questioning the arrangement himself. Can someone just BUY him a twin bed??? I have seen ones for sale under $100. I wouldn’t promote “asking him” if it’s “okay” if he move to a different bed–the time is UP. It’s just not healthy. But of course discussing with him, excitedly, the idea of a new bed all his own would be totally appropriate. And of course probing for any anxiety that might be felt at moving to the new bed is the compassionate thing to do–while reassuring him that he will still be safe.

As for the “poor boy” dealing with his parents issues–you said that happened nine years ago! So I doubt the wounds are still fresh and at least SOME healing has probably taken place.

I keep giving this site out, but here it is again… catholictherapists.com

Reccommend some therapy! If she is unemployed, does he have insurance? Someone has to take care of this little guy if his mother is unable… Even his school counselor could be asked for some guidance in this situation. I guarantee if you told his school that he was still sleeping in a bed with his mother, the panic button would be pushed. If you can solve the sleeping arrangement yourselves–you still might consider talking to the school counselor to offer some support for your nephew’s difficult environment with his mother’s instability.

I’ll be praying for your family.
Abby
 
Mary’s Lamb – I do not know what state you reside in, or your nephew and sister reside in, but in the state of Washington, your sister would be up for child molestation charges, and her son would be removed from her custody. She is in serious trouble - she is expecting her child to take care of her - reversing the roles of a parent/child. She needs help. I pray that you and your mother can guide her towards a therapist and also get your nephew to a safe place to sleep.

God Bless
 
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Princess_Abby:
Is he too old? YES, of course he’s too old! :eek: A 12 year old boy is often times post-pubescent and reaching sexual maturity…Abby
Abby, your point is valid but your color is irritating and hard to read – especially for the visually impaired (like me). (Pretty please)

Just some feedback from the peanut gallery.:twocents:
 
Abby, your point is valid but your color is irritating and hard to read – especially for the visually impaired (like me). (Pretty please)
Just some feedback from the peanut gallery.:twocents:
Well, evidently my prior message irritated someone enough to give some very negative feedback. I tried to lighten up the message with the “pretty please” and the “peanut gallery” remark, but written messages on the Internet easily create misunderstandings as compared to face-to-face speech. It is easy to have something interpreted as being much harsher that was intended. It is also easy to quickly whip out a message that actually reads much harsher than was truly intended.

So let me first apologize if I have offended you, Abby, or anyone else. Offense was not intended.

In the real world (i.e., not cyberspace), I really am visually impaired. The color of font makes it quite difficult for me. If you are so inclined, it would be a kindness to change it. If you are not so inclined, I can live with it. I am not trying to continue any controversy over the matter. God be with.
 
Dear Mary,
It’s obvious that your sister is turning to her son in an unhealthy way for comfort. IMO this is unfair to him, and a very very bad idea, esp as he is at the age where he will be having an awakening of his sexuality. It is extremely confusing and actually sick, what she’s doing.

I don’t know what you can do, though, as I’m sure nothing illegal is going on. Parents do all sorts of other harmful things that kids survive. Maybe try and reach out to the boy in healthy ways, try and get him involved in masculine activities, provide male role models, etc. Also, perhaps your sister can be steered towards receiving some medical help.

Sicerely, WhiteDove
 
Mary's Lamb:
My sister was divorced 9 years ago. She moved in with my parents with her son. He was upset about all the conflict and changes in his life, so she would comfort him by sleeping with him. Well he’s now 12 years old and she still sleeps with him. When he’s at his father’s house, he sleeps alone in his own bed. Is he too old to still be sleeping with his mom on a regular basis?
Sounds scary… seems like both might benefit from some counseling… hard to speculate on something i know nothing about and so i won’t… i will tell you this… keep talking to her and your parents… try to find some professional help, (check with your parish priest) there are referral services in the phone book or call you own personal physician… i know you all have to be worried, but hang and there with your prayers and support… God loves them both and you for your care and concern… 👍
 
Bob - Re Colored text. You can turn it into white on blue by highlighting it with your cursor. 😉
 
Joe Kelley:
Bob - Re Colored text
Hadn’t thought of that! Thanks. It comes across as dark green on white on my computer, but that is still easier to read.
 
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