Is infertility something to share?

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cathyt

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My husband and I really want to have children and before we were married, he and I, (especially me) really got into the spirituality of family life and I began to think of my own existnece and of our marriage in terms of family life. I think it is a good thing to devote your marriage to God (of course) and to submit to His plan for you with regards to children. I love the way our Church teaches about marriage.

The trouble is, we are at the two year mark, and we are just beginning to recognize we may be challenged with infertillity. That’s a tough prospect to face.

While the thought of that alone is tough, I am now beginning to be asked questions about starting a family by members of the parish where we are members and where I am employed. I know that some of them aren’t just questioning me, they’re questioning our openess to life and faithfulness to Church teaching. I want to be an example to young people and a light for Christ. These questions hurt me, but I am unsure about sharing this very personal struggle.

To other couples who haved been challenged by infertility, how much of your struggle have you shared with others? What has been the result of your sharing? How did people respond? What would you change about how you shared of yourself?

Thanks ahead of time for any insights you can offer.
 
Well, I am not married, nor am old enough to be, but just want to say, that you could share hta tyou cannot have children, but are planning to adopt. I realize how hurtful the questions can be, because everybody wants to be able to say that they can produce children, but it is a reality that not all can. Adopting children is a good way to show love for others as well as the desire to have a family. It gives people a good example of looking positve in the face of a challenging time. My prayers are with you and I hope that the pain will subside.
 
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cathyt:
My husband and I really want to have children and before we were married, he and I, (especially me) really got into the spirituality of family life and I began to think of my own existnece and of our marriage in terms of family life. I think it is a good thing to devote your marriage to God (of course) and to submit to His plan for you with regards to children. I love the way our Church teaches about marriage.

The trouble is, we are at the two year mark, and we are just beginning to recognize we may be challenged with infertillity. That’s a tough prospect to face.

While the thought of that alone is tough, I am now beginning to be asked questions about starting a family by members of the parish where we are members and where I am employed. I know that some of them aren’t just questioning me, they’re questioning our openess to life and faithfulness to Church teaching. I want to be an example to young people and a light for Christ. These questions hurt me, but I am unsure about sharing this very personal struggle.

To other couples who haved been challenged by infertility, how much of your struggle have you shared with others? What has been the result of your sharing? How did people respond? What would you change about how you shared of yourself?

Thanks ahead of time for any insights you can offer.
…wouldn’t turning all that energy into other options like (adoption) be a wise alternative… don’t misunderstand me, and i am very sympathetic to you circumstance… it’s just that my little sister tried for years to get pregnant and she was always wringing her hands and always in a stress ball wondering what the meaning of her life was to be…

1 year ago she returned from China with a baby girl that she named Cathering Elizabeth… she was, and is a gift from God, and my sister is now fulfilling her dreams of being a grand example of motherhood, and plotting her next trip to China…

there are other avenues to happiness at your fingertips… i don’t know if i have totally missed your point, but it just sounds to me like you need to get busy… trust in God… he doesn’t always answer yesterday…

Peace:thumbsup:

…oh, to your friends at work and chruch, tell them to mind their own D - - - business… but say it with a smile:D

 
I know, from personal experience, that it is sometimes hard to share your possible infertility with others because you, yourself, might feel “inadequate.”

You do, however, have an opportunity to educate people about infertility and its challenges.

With people at Church, you might say something like “So far we haven’t been able to conceive a child, would you please keep us in your prayers?” It shows your openness to life and gives the inquiring person something to do for you.

If you come to the point of looking into adoption, then you can ask for their prayers regarding that.

We struggled with miscarriages and then infertility for many years. We decided to adopt and now have two wonderful children who are truly, in every sense, gifts from God. If you long to be a parent, and it is God’s will for you, He will help you find a way.

I do caution you if you begin fertility testing to try to find a pro-life (preferably Catholic) doctor. There are many procedures available that are not approved by the Church for moral reasons. Make sure you’re well aquainted with them so you don’t get “talked into” doing something that you might regret later.

Feel free to PM me if you want more information.

God bless you on your journey to having a family. Know that God loves you dearly and has something very special planned for you!
 
It took us 3 years to get pregnant, and now my wife is at 6 1/2 months and due in August. I pray for the health of that little baby all day every day.

Infertility is a terribly painful and lonely thing to deal with-- I know exactly what you are going through. You need to pray, get close to God, and make sure you are in constant communication with your husband. I know it is hard for you to see it now, but you will look back on this from some vantage point in the future and be thankful that you went through it. I can tell you that I gained a whole new appreciation for what “thy will be done” means.

Regarding dealing with it socially…I think you’ll find that infertility is more common than you think, and that by merely mentioning it, you will be surprised how understanding people are. There are always those people who mean well, but are completely clumsy and unintentionally hurtful: “SO! When are you two going to get moving with the kids!?” or people who react innappropriately, “Infertility? Guess it just isn’t meant to be. Why don’t you just adopt?” People have no idea how those remarks hurt. It is not nearly that simple, and it’s not the kind of thing where you can just throw up your hands, like some little decision: “Oh well, I wanted that car in blue, but they’ve only got black in stock so I’ll choose that.” This is an extremely heavy, painful, life altering, faith testing situation.

But like I said, I’ve found that all it takes is for you to say something like: “As soon as God’s ready, we’re ready”… or just, “well, we’ve been trying for some time; we’d love to have kids.” Many people will react by relating a story about a family member or friend, and tell you that they know what you’re going through, and the conversation will be over. Others won’t understand, or say something stupid, and all you can do is just pray for them. They don’t mean to hurt you, they just don’t know any better.

I’ll say a prayer for you. God bless.

Pete
 
My husband and I struggled with infertility. It is a hard road and my heart feels for your pain. Many people won’t understand unless they walked this painful walk. I would say to people who are so nosey to ask, “We would love to have a child, but that’s not God’s plan right now.” And if they persist, change the subject. I felt like it was a private issue.

After 4 years we did have a son and later we adopted another son and hopefully we will adopt another son soon. I am not here to say that adoption is for you. You and your husband will have to determine if that is God’s plan for your family. For me adoption is a blessing, but it doesn’t take away the pain I feel for not having another baby. That is just a suffering I pray to be healed. On days when it is particularly sad for me I offer it up.

I usually didn’t share our infertility with anyone other than my closest friends. They were very supportive and have been overjoyed when both of our children entered our family.
 
Took us 6 years to conceive. I have to admit that I was very immature about the whole thing, screaming at God, jealous at others who popped them out like sea turtles. I still cannot believe that I behaved that way. I also failed to understand back then that GOD gives life, not me, not my husband. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t make a baby. Just keep reminding yourself that only GOD can make a baby…and He knows best when the right time will be.

I used to hate the questions from others too. Here’s a great chance to practice Christian love. Smile and remind them that it’s in God’s hands. Shuts 'em up pretty quickly.
Adoption could be the answer, but don’t give up hope yet…two years without conceiving really isn’t that unusual.

Please, whatever you do, don’t waste time in self-pity like I did. Use this time to do great works. Take your eyes off yourself and help others. Take up your cross. Pray to St. Elizabeth and Sarah (Abraham’s wife) for trust and patience.

One Caution: When you do have children eventually, don’t fall into the contraceptive trap that your doctors and even most trusted friends and family members will most definitely set for you.
 
We also struggled with infertility. We were tested and got advice form a specialist and everything. We chose not to follow the specialist’s advice because it was against church teaching.

The personal questions that people ask are very hurtful. I know that all too well. For over a year I had to deal with people asking when it was “our turn” and saying things like if we didn’t hurry we wouldn’t be able to have kids at all. (We’re both in our 30’s.) After a while I found that the most diplomatic way of answering was either “God just hasn’t blessed us with one yet” or “It’ll happen in God’s time.” That made it pretty clear without getting so personal I’d cry.
 
Thanks for the insights. Some of you offer such compassion, I can feel it even through the words in type. Thank you.

I appreciate your suggested responses and will review them again to help my husband and me to respond to others. I do generally feel that even when people do ask questions of us, they are asking out of care and love, but I worry at the image we “put off” and I know there are some who are judging.

Most days I can respond without much thought of it, but I do want to think about it more and try to even share a piece of faith with them when they inquire. Pete and Didi, thanks for your suggestions for this.

There are days when I don’t worry about it, but sometimes at the begining of a new cycle, the combination of hormones and disapointment is a lot to take and I break down inside at the sight of a baby or news of a new birth. Those who have been there, you know what I mean.

I have no desire whatsoever to undergo infertility treatments or take any drugs even if they are permitted by the Church. Thank you for your mention of this. Diet and other lifestyle changes are the only changes I am ready to make. I have prayed through feelings of coveting and have felt far from that state for some time. I don’t want to get any closer to that side of things, and I feel that in my life at this time, such treatments would lead me there. We are at a point where we are getting closer to God through our struggle. I appreciate your suggestion, Pete, of seeking closeness to God. I am sure that is the answer to our peace with or without a child.

We are unsure about adoption, mostly because we have felt absolutely no call to it from God at this point. For those who mention it, thank you, but I do have to say that you and I both need to keep in mind this is not every couple’s answer. God calls us all, and every couple to something unique and He does not call every infertile couple to adoption, although we are open to that call if it should come.

Any other suggestions are most appreciated.
 
Cathy,

I can completely relate. My DH and I have almost been married two years, and the questions have been there almost from the beginning.

We knew we couldn’t try right away due to a back injury of mine that was particularly debilitating and I knew needed time to heal. However, during that time I started noticing cycle irregularities and as that become more and more investigated…I was diagnosed with PCOS, low progesterone and a thyroid condition.

I rarely, if ever, ovulate anymore. Due to the symptoms of PCOS, my health has become very questionable and we are trying to manage it. It has been a difficult conclusion to realize that we may never conceive nor have the opportunity to even try and do so.

My feelings over people’s “innocent” questions has run the entire gamut. At first I was excited to tell them we were so happy to anticipate trying, then as my cycles got more and more irregular and I realized I wasn’t ovulating and nor was I getting any healthier, I became very quiet about it. And more than a little offended and resentful at their insensitivity.

Family members and friends and even complete strangers at church, work, wherever, still offer “suggestions” about what DH and I should do to conceive. I have explained to my parents time and again, for instance, that some of my symptoms from PCOS would make conception very dangerous for my health–if we were lucky enough to actually be able to do so when there is no ovulation taking place anyway.

I also went through the blaming myself “thing.” My DH is extremely healthy, athletic, young (we are both only 25), etc. Testing says he is completely able to have children and all problems lie with me. Not that I want to “share” the infertility problem with him, but it made me feel both guilty and inadequate. One thing that initially drew the two of us together was our mutual love for children and our equal desire for a big family someday… I felt like I had spoiled his dream. My dream. Our dream.

Fortunately, my wonderful husband gave me a reality check and is incredibly loving and supporting about my health issues. He is more than eager to adopt. I am still adjusting to the idea–some days I am thrilled by the prospect and other days I’m teary about it and so disappointed I feel like my heart could break. I’m not always past the idea of the babies we might adopt not being biologically ours–little creations of our love. But, I know this takes time to embrace.

Family and friends are also generally insensitive about adoption. (I swear they aren’t rude people–it’s almost as if when it comes to babies, people just think something so “natural” is everyone’s business to inquire about or…who knows.) My parents are literally in denial that I will not be providing them with biological grandchildren. Hopefully some of that will fade as I continue to give the same answers to the variations of the same questions…time and again… 🙂

I have many young married friends who all have new babies or are trying for one or their second or whatever. I literally go to at least one baby shower a month. It’s a happy occasion but I am very sensitive afterwards and my husband is very considerate and extra attentive when I come home.

My oldest friend is still single and still very idealistic about marriage, family, etc. She literally has very little clue about the realities of relationships. 🙂 She reacted with shock when I told her we were considering looking into adoption in a few months. (She asked me if I was pregnant every single month for the first 14 months of our marriage until I finally had to be VERY firm about NOT wanting to hear that question again.) She also implied, time and time again, that my DH and I were extremely erroneous in “choosing” to not have life yet. It was very very very very hard to remain charitable and not snap back some rude retort, when I felt like I had explained time and again that we ARE open to life, it’s just that… But, both she and I have dreamed together since a very young age of being pregnant. I had to be careful I didn’t let her lack of sensitivity about it ruin our friendship; it was a good opportunity for charity and forgiveness and continues to be an opportunity to educate.

She is not the only person we’ve encountered who implies we’re thwarting Church teaching or doing something wrong with our marital life by not already being pregnant. We have gotten in the habit of giving those who inquire a very confused look–as if to say, “Gosh, why would you even inquire about something concerning another person’s SEX LIFE?!” And then we follow with a response like, “When God’s ready, we’re all about it! Thanks for the concern!”

I’ll pray for you and your husband!
 
If you feel it is a caring question, then by all means tell them:
“We would so love to have children. Please pray for us. Pray really hard.”

Unless you want to invite a discussion, add: “But it’s so hard, I would really rather not talk about it.” And then don’t.

Otherwise, you can respond to the questions/comments with, “That’s an incredibly personal question (comment). Suffice it to say that you don’t have all the facts, and let’s just not bring it up again.”
 
I’m surprised that nobody here has (as far as I saw skimming) suggested Natural Family Planning.
While it seems to be known for being used to ‘space’ children (I don’t see that as legit usage), it has other uses, too. The reason my wife and I took a class on it is because we plan to (after our first child is born) use it to verify that Corinne (hopefully) doesn’t have any medical problems-- NFP will show signs of some before they have any real effects. In your case, you could probably use NFP to help achieve pregnancy: basically, just reverse the ‘spacing’ instructions and plan to sexually unite when you are most fertile.
 
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cathyt:
cathy,

Infertility is a very painful cross to bear. God has much compassion for infertile couples. I applaud you for trying to submit to God’s will and somehow be an example to others in how you deal with your infertility.
Most of the insensitive comments came from family. My husband and I kept the problem to ourselves----at first. Then, after about 2 years, people began to hint around for why we weren’t yet having children. I remember quite clearly when my grandmother just out of the blue asked “so when are you two gonna get to it and give me a greatgrandchild”. I burst out crying in front of her and the rest of the family and ran to the bathroom. People just don’t think infertility first----they think you’re contracepting. In a strict traditional Catholic family that would be a big NO NO. So, my mother, grandmother, and others were behind my back ASSUMING that we were contracepting, so that’s why my grandma took the “bull by the horns” so to speak and just asked out right.
I think when you first discover there’s a problem, it is wise to keep it to yourself and decide how you and your spouse are going to deal with it. In terms of medical treatment, etc. After a time, I think it’s good to mention it to close family/friends just to give them a heads up. Just realize once the cat’s out of the bag, then people try to be “sensitive” to your feelings. Sometimes that’s worse:rolleyes: .
A good response would be to say something like “we would love a family some day and are very open to it” “it would be nice to have a family----things are not going as we planned though” sometimes it appropriate to ask for prayers, sometimes not. At work, I did not share at all what I was going through. What a shock to everyone when I came in with a picture of our little girl we were about to adopt:D
Like everyone else has mentioned, infertility is a very lonely and painful cross to bear. When all your friends are having babies and there’s baby showers every weekend and family/friends are asking insensitive questions, it seems too much to bear at times. I think you’re on the right track to try to submit to God’s will. Go to Mass often and offer your pain for others and for your marriage. I know my husband and I (after 6 1/2 years of infertility) began to have some serious marriage problems. Now, we have 3 children through adoption and have been married for 18 years.
You and your husband are in my prayers.
 
space ghost1 year ago she returned from China with a baby girl that she named Cathering Elizabeth.... she was:
Oooooooh SG. Do share some pictures of Catherine Elizabeth—or does she take after her Uncle?
 
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Luke-Jr:
I’m surprised that nobody here has (as far as I saw skimming) suggested Natural Family Planning.
While it seems to be known for being used to ‘space’ children (I don’t see that as legit usage), it has other uses, too. The reason my wife and I took a class on it is because we plan to (after our first child is born) use it to verify that Corinne (hopefully) doesn’t have any medical problems-- NFP will show signs of some before they have any real effects. In your case, you could probably use NFP to help achieve pregnancy: basically, just reverse the ‘spacing’ instructions and plan to sexually unite when you are most fertile.
I think no one mentioned NFP because Cathy implied that she is already using a method, given that she’s not contracepting.

However, that is a good point–just in case. We use the Creighton Model and it helped p(name removed by moderator)oint EXACTLY what my problems are. Plus it is the easiest to use! 🙂
 
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BLB_Oregon:
If you feel it is a caring question, then by all means tell them:
“We would so love to have children. Please pray for us. Pray really hard.”

Unless you want to invite a discussion, add: “But it’s so hard, I would really rather not talk about it.” And then don’t.

Otherwise, you can respond to the questions/comments with, “That’s an incredibly personal question (comment). Suffice it to say that you don’t have all the facts, and let’s just not bring it up again.”
Good points…sometimes the source of the question has a lot to do with how it’s answered. But you owe NO ONE an explanation about something so private–the trick is usually to find a charitable response and this thread has several.

From the other side of the coin…it can be very uncomfortable to have infertility information/treatment offered up and tossed around like the daily baseball scores to those who are not affected by it as you are. If you feel open about sharing, make sure your audience consists of willing recipients of such personal information. Not everyone operates in the Oprah mode in their casual socializing.
 
FYI: We do use NFP and are big believers in it b/c we have learned so much from it. I’m seeking to learn more from it as well. Thanks for the suggestion. We learned through Couple to Couple League and have been very happy with their helpfulness. I don’t know much about the Creighton model, though there is some mention of it in CCLI stuff.

I may look into Pope Paul VI institute. I’ve heard about it before but don’t really know anything. Thanks for that idea too.

A lot of you said your struggles were with explaining to family. My situation seems to be the opposite. My mom, God bless her, talks about people who have babies like its a bad thing (“Can you believe she’s having another baby!” and things like that.) I never really heard about Catholic teaching about openness to life until I sought to learn about it on my own in books. It was never a part of my religious education and never talked about at home. Now that I live in a small, traditional community, people are pressing me from the other end of it. I thought I would be able to sort of lead by example in being open to life with my family, but that’s not working out. Now that were in this rural community, it seems people are judging us (we’re already outsiders, then add having no kids and we are big weirdos) I feel like I want to share the struggle with my family to be an example of faithfulness, but I fear the “backlash” of my mother, and I don’t want to “toot my own horn.” With members of our small community, I just want them to know that we are trying to be faithful, but again there’s the problem of “tooting my horn.”

Thanks for letting me ramble. I hope all this is helpful to someone besides me. You all have been great!
 
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cathyt:
My mom, God bless her, talks about people who have babies like its a bad thing (“Can you believe she’s having another baby!” and things like that.) I never really heard about Catholic teaching about openness to life until I sought to learn about it on my own in books. …Now that I live in a small, traditional community, people are pressing me from the other end of it. I thought I would be able to sort of lead by example in being open to life with my family, but that’s not working out. Now that were in this rural community, it seems people are judging us (we’re already outsiders, then add having no kids and we are big weirdos) I feel like I want to share the struggle with my family to be an example of faithfulness, but I fear the “backlash” of my mother, and I don’t want to “toot my own horn.” With members of our small community, I just want them to know that we are trying to be faithful, but again there’s the problem of “tooting my horn.”
Sounds like your aim is well intentioned, but misdirected. People who have nothing better to do will forever cluck their tongues about what other people are doing wrong–it makes for great sport. If you think spilling your guts to the town busybodies will free you of their prying eyes and wagging tongues, think again! As soon as you get pregnant, the specualtion will shift to how big or small you are, whether you’re doing “too much,” "did you see what she ate,"etc…When the little darlings arrive, it will be an endless source of fodder about how you dress them, discipline them too little or too much, educate them, have too few or too many of them…I think you get my point.

Live your life consisently with your and your husbands values and do your best to ignore the twittering of those around you. You will never please them all and can drive yourself crazy trying. You will have the peace of mind that comes with being faithful without any need to ‘prove’ it to anyone else. Best wishes!
 
I hope I can make a quick plug here… I co-moderate an email group through yahoo specifically for Catholic women who are trying to become pregnant and are not open to non-licit means of reproductive technologies. We have a great group of women who are very supportive and helpful for everything from treatment advice to personal advice like you’re talking about (inconsiderate relatives & friends, nosy neighbors, etc). If anyone wants more information, our group is at health.groups.yahoo.com/group/catholic-fertility

Jennifer
 
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