Cathy,
I can completely relate. My DH and I have almost been married two years, and the questions have been there almost from the beginning.
We knew we couldn’t try right away due to a back injury of mine that was particularly debilitating and I knew needed time to heal. However, during that time I started noticing cycle irregularities and as that become more and more investigated…I was diagnosed with PCOS, low progesterone and a thyroid condition.
I rarely, if ever, ovulate anymore. Due to the symptoms of PCOS, my health has become very questionable and we are trying to manage it. It has been a difficult conclusion to realize that we may never conceive nor have the opportunity to even try and do so.
My feelings over people’s “innocent” questions has run the entire gamut. At first I was excited to tell them we were so happy to anticipate trying, then as my cycles got more and more irregular and I realized I wasn’t ovulating and nor was I getting any healthier, I became very quiet about it. And more than a little offended and resentful at their insensitivity.
Family members and friends and even complete strangers at church, work, wherever, still offer “suggestions” about what DH and I should do to conceive. I have explained to my parents time and again, for instance, that some of my symptoms from PCOS would make conception very dangerous for my health–if we were lucky enough to actually be able to do so when there is no ovulation taking place anyway.
I also went through the blaming myself “thing.” My DH is extremely healthy, athletic, young (we are both only 25), etc. Testing says he is completely able to have children and all problems lie with me. Not that I want to “share” the infertility problem with him, but it made me feel both guilty and inadequate. One thing that initially drew the two of us together was our mutual love for children and our equal desire for a big family someday… I felt like I had spoiled his dream. My dream. Our dream.
Fortunately, my wonderful husband gave me a reality check and is incredibly loving and supporting about my health issues. He is more than eager to adopt. I am still adjusting to the idea–some days I am thrilled by the prospect and other days I’m teary about it and so disappointed I feel like my heart could break. I’m not always past the idea of the babies we might adopt not being biologically ours–little creations of our love. But, I know this takes time to embrace.
Family and friends are also generally insensitive about adoption. (I swear they aren’t rude people–it’s almost as if when it comes to babies, people just think something so “natural” is everyone’s business to inquire about or…who knows.) My parents are literally in denial that I will not be providing them with biological grandchildren. Hopefully some of that will fade as I continue to give the same answers to the variations of the same questions…time and again…
I have many young married friends who all have new babies or are trying for one or their second or whatever. I literally go to at least one baby shower a month. It’s a happy occasion but I am very sensitive afterwards and my husband is very considerate and extra attentive when I come home.
My oldest friend is still single and still very idealistic about marriage, family, etc. She literally has very little clue about the realities of relationships.
She reacted with shock when I told her we were considering looking into adoption in a few months. (She asked me if I was pregnant every single month for the first 14 months of our marriage until I finally had to be VERY firm about NOT wanting to hear that question again.) She also implied, time and time again, that my DH and I were extremely erroneous in “choosing” to not have life yet. It was very very very very hard to remain charitable and not snap back some rude retort, when I felt like I had explained time and again that we ARE open to life, it’s just that… But, both she and I have dreamed together since a very young age of being pregnant. I had to be careful I didn’t let her lack of sensitivity about it ruin our friendship; it was a good opportunity for charity and forgiveness and continues to be an opportunity to educate.
She is not the only person we’ve encountered who implies we’re thwarting Church teaching or doing something wrong with our marital life by not already being pregnant. We have gotten in the habit of giving those who inquire a very confused look–as if to say, “Gosh, why would you even inquire about something concerning another person’s SEX LIFE?!” And then we follow with a response like, “When God’s ready, we’re all about it! Thanks for the concern!”
I’ll pray for you and your husband!