Is it a sin to be forgetful?

[Carmelite1983]

My wife has a lot of anxiety and a lot of triggers that I need to remember in order to keep peace in our household.
To be honest, I do a pretty horrible job remembering things she tells me. Usually it involves things that bother her, or trigger her into an anxious state.
I do try my best remember everything I can, but I feel like I have a hard time remembering a lot of them.
Lately, she has been insinuating that I am being sinful when I forget things, since it tends to ruin her whole day, and eventually the whole family’s day.
As I said, she has a lot of anxieties, and more triggers and I can seem to remember.
I’ve devoted my life to her and I continue to pray for myself to be a better advocate to help her reduce her anxieties, but I feel like a failure a lot of times.
I’m trying. I feel like every decision I make is based on how I feel she’ll react to it. I just can’t seem to remember every little thing.

Am I being sinful when I forget something that she told me bothers her?

St Joseph, pray for me.

 

[Allegra]

It’s really hard to say. A person can’t really sin on accident, but there’s something to be said for having empathy and consideration for others. Are these transgressions things that would annoy or bother a typical person, but freak your wife out because of her condition (not calling when you are going to be late, forgetting to tell her when you use the last of the toilet paper or tums.) or are they random things like wearing a green shirt with blue jeans or eating your veggies before your meat? I think if it’s the former, it might be a bit negligent on your part to not remember those things. Maybe a venial sin? If it’s the later, probably not so much, particularly if there are a whole lot of triggers.

 

[Carmelite1983]

It’s a lot of triggers.
I’m not allowed to mention certain things, and we have some minor differences in standards of parenting.
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Allegra]

But are they things that a reasonable person would find bothersome or rude, even if they wouldn’t be as big a deal as they are to your wife?

 

[Legend]

It sounds as if your marriage has more issues than you are comfortable discussing here. Or, your wife has mental illness issues. Either way, you should both begin by discussing this with your priest. You may need marriage counseling, or therapy.

God bless both of you!

 

[Carmelite1983]

A lot of her family triggers her as well because they “can’t remember” what bothers her as well.
It’s definitely a mental health issue, but I feel I could do a better job at remembering what random things bother her.

 

[midori]

Was her anxiety that sensitive when y’all were dating?

Is there any medication she can take to help with her brain chemistry?

Has she been in therapy to help manage her anxiety? Or counseling to overcome the root causes of her biggest issues?

There’s a lot of things she’s able to do to try and take control of her problem. And sometimes, trying to overcome my own issues (internally) is easier than trying to get the world to handle me with kid gloves (externally).

So, for example, if I know I can get overwhelmed by crowds— so I take steps to make sure I avoid the shopping mall on December 24th or Black Friday or other days when it’s a jam-packed crowd. I know I can be overwhelmed by noise-- so I wear hearing protection when necessary to dampen the sound, or make sure I’m not trapped somewhere I can’t retreat from if it becomes too much. I hate the sounds of eating/chewing/breathing/etc. So I make up an excuse to leave the presence of someone who’s chewing gum, or wrangle my schedule so that I eat in private as much as possible. Those sorts of things. It’s easier for me to recognize the situations I handle poorly, rather than criticizing other people for choosing to chew gum in my presence, or slurping their hot drink.

 

[Carmelite1983]

It’s gotten worse, especially after we lost our son last Fall.
Therapy is needed but hard to find and afford, so we do our best.

 

[1ke]

In a word, no.

Your wife has a mental illness, and needs treatment for her anxiety.

Her position is not rational. You are not responsible for ruining her day. Her illness is.

 

[midori]

It’s gotten worse, especially after we lost our son last Fall.

Oh, yes. I can see how that’s definitely something that can tear someone up on the inside. And I can also see how the most random things would start a chain of thought, because of the memory connected to it. And when you don’t associate the memory with the object— it can be very hard to keep track of!

But no matter how much adversity we have-- ultimately, we’re responsible for ourselves.

But when there’s an incapacitation/mental illness involved-- we don’t have as much accountability for our actions as we would under normal circumstances.

That’s very patient and loving of you to help her through her sufferings— but she also needs to have the desire to work through her issues and move on with the life she has, rather than being content to wallow in her (understandable) sorrow forever.

 

[AdamP88]

Well if it’s a sin to be forgetful then I’m going to hell for sure.

Lately, she has been insinuating that I am being sinful when I forget things, since it tends to ruin her whole day, and eventually the whole family’s day.

As much as your wife may have anxiety, her actions/reactions are also her responsibility. She shouldn’t blame you for “making” her act a certain way.

To be honest, while I know anxiety is a real issue for people, there are ways to improve and ultimately manage it and she should be willing to try some of those and not just have people around her living in a state of fear that they might forget something and “trigger” her.

It can be easy to have a “condition” that you can blame for what is a lack of self-control. She may have a condition, but she has the responsibility to work through her issues for her own good and the good of the family.

 

[Lee1]

Apart from some form of therapy, it might be worth carefully suggesting that the anxiety and stress she suffers over your transgressions are not helping with respect to blood pressure. Some form of relaxation technique may help in this regard especially since you can’t be expected to remember every little thing.

You might try a prayer to Our Lady asking that a holy angel abide in your house to help bring peace and harmony.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

In a word, no.

Your wife has a mental illness, and needs treatment for her anxiety.

Her position is not rational. You are not responsible for ruining her day. Her illness is.

This.

She really needs outside help.
Yes, I know it’s expensive.

There can be a manipulative component to some mental illness. Not necessarily that the person “sets out” to control everybody around them, but their level of suffering is so high that they’ll pounce on any plausible-seeming area they can control to try to manage the pain, take the edge off or make stop.

But once the person has one area “under control”, the next area will intrude, and the person themself is trapped in a never-ending effort to avoid all pain, dragging their loved ones with them.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

And while it’s not a sin to be forgetful, sometimes forgetfulness is a subconscious defense mechanism for a person to get a little bit of their own back.

If a person has been in a tremendous strain or pressure from another person for a while, they might start to feel resentful and this resentment might manifest as a “forgetfulness “ , as a need to assert yourself that nobody else gets to control your brain space.

Not sinful, but just something for you to be aware of.

 

[Gabika50]

Nah, write stuff down daily on a note card with timeslots if need be, and you can remind yourself “one day at a time” as it were.