Is it a sin to encourage divorce?

[Lily0fthevalley]

I’ll try to keep it short and simple. I found out my sister’s husband has been cheating on her even though she gave him chances, he is still talking to the other woman…

I have told her she needs to leave him. Once a cheater always a cheater. Granted a marriage can always be fixed, but once a spouse cheats they are out the door.

So is it wrong for me to tell her to leave him?. It is so frustrating too because the family do not like this man, in fact we wish she has no association with him. But it’s her life to live, i see that he mis-treats her by cheating and the sister in me wants her to leave this man.

 

[1ke]

It is not always wrong to encourage a separation-- for example, a situation of physical abuse.

Infidelity is certainly a tough issue, but the church urges reconciliation. So, yes, I believe it would be wrong to encourage her to leave.

However I don’t think that anonymous Internet posts are the place to get advice for this. Your priest, if he knows you and your sister can give better pastoral advice in your concrete situation.

 

[AB_Juney]

It depends…have they tried to reconcile before? does he continue over and over to resist reconcilliation?

 

[Lily0fthevalley]

@1ke sorry if it was an anonymous post, just needed to vent out and to see if my actions are wrong for even encouraging it. My sister is a protestant so she would want nothing to do with a priest.

and @ AB this is the first time the cheating had occurred to my knowledge.

 

[AB_Juney]

I don’t think there can be a blanket resolution here…for some, reconcilliation is possible, and I think everyone shoudl TRY. But for others…it’s just too much.

 

[petitfleur]

Lilly, I don’t think 1ke was implying it was wrong for you to post, just a reminder that this is an anonymous forum and it’s hard to give generic advice to such a complicated situation. I also like to remind people when asking for advice to consider the fact you Re asking for advice from total strangers you know nothing about so take with a grain of salt and use common sense.

 

[tektonik]

I don’t think you should be encouraging a divorce. You should pray for them. He’s breaking the 7th Commandment which is a mortal sin, I think.

Mortal sins are wrongful acts that condemn a person to Hell after death. These sins are considered “mortal” because they constitute a rupture in a person’s link to God’s saving grace: the person’s soul becomes “dead”, not merely weakened. A mortal sin does not usually mean a sin that cannot be repented; even after a mortal sin there is a chance for repentance.

He needs to repent. If you confront him about this he will stick to his guns and you will get no where. If you scare him about going to Hell, he will deny and stick to his guns. Pray that he repents. I will say a prayer too.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

It depends. Encouraging someone to leave a really bad marriage, such as the one you describe, isn’t necessarily sinful.

 

[mellowcalico]

I second talking to your priest… but I think a good first step would be to tell your sister to try Catholic marriage counseling with her husband.

I wish them (and you) the best.

 

[ValPal]

Encouraging someone to divorce makes me leery. Ultimately it is a decision that they have to make, and should make it on their own. I recommend simply given the person the support they need, whether it be simply a shoulder to cry on, spiritual support, etc,

 

[ChibiViolet]

I don’t have enough information about this to be able to tell you if what you did was wrong. If you only knew as much information as you shared, I would say it was wrong, but you probably believed it was right at the time and if so you did not sin in telling her that.

 

[mdgspencer]

Simply leaving is a separation. A divorce is something different. If they were validly married in the Church, to divorce with a view of remarrying someone else in a civil marriage would be a matter of wrongdoing. Even if they ger a divorce in a civil court, they are still married. One what basis should she get a divorce?

 

[Sillara]

Simply leaving is a separation. A divorce is something different. If they were validly married in the Church, to divorce with a view of remarrying someone else in a civil marriage would be a matter of wrongdoing. Even if they ger a divorce in a civil court, they are still married. One what basis should she get a divorce?

This.

Encouraging a separation, as 1ke mentioned, is not necessarily sinful–though it is not something I think I could do in a situation such as the OP described–but to encourage divorce? Especially in the case of a Protestant who would then view herself as free to marry? There is definitely potential for sin there.

 

[EasterJoy]

I 'll try to keep it short and simple. I found out my sister’s husband has been cheating on her even though she gave him chances, he is still talking to the other woman…

I have told her she needs to leave him. Once a cheater always a cheater. Granted a marriage can always be fixed, but once a spouse cheats they are out the door.

So is it wrong for me to tell her to leave him?. It is so frustrating too because the family do not like this man, in fact we wish she has no association with him. But it’s her life to live, i see that he mis-treats her by cheating and the sister in me wants her to leave this man.

Talking? Talking to the other woman is not prudent and it is not sensitive to the offended spouse’s feelings, but it is not necessarily tantamount to adultery. I have known people in this situation. They got into it because they felt sympathy for the person they cheated with, and for some unknown reason thought that they were helping by offering up some adultery as a “comfort”. It can be hard to convince them that their “partner in crime” is better off without them just as surely as their marriage is. It can be hard to convince them that the relationship really can’t drop back to a “just friends” basis.

It is not always wrong to encourage someone to seek a divorce–I would go so far as to say that sometimes it is almost a moral duty–but “once a cheater, always a cheater” is simply not true. That maxim amounts to rash judgement, and that is wrong. Sometimes the reasons for infidelity are rooted in mutual shortcomings within the marriage, and even when the offense is entirely one-sided, sometimes the offense is followed by total repentance and a firm purpose of amendment that is in fact realized.

As for not liking the man, you might want to articulate to yourself why you do not like him. Sometimes family and friends are very good judges of how one spouse treats another, better than the couple themselves are, because they are not taken in by the same things by which spouses can con each other and even themselves. Other times, however, the family or friends had a prior expectation about what their loved one’s spouse ought to be like, and they judge anyone who doesn’t fit into that box with undue harshness.

It certainly would not be wrong to tell your sister that she needs to be firm about her boundaries, but the sister would do better to get her advice from someone with experience in this kind of counselling, with her sister providing the support of being a good listener and, if advice is solicited, offering the most honest feedback that kindness will allow. As Bl Pope John Paul II put it at the canonization of St. Edith Stein (St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross): *Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love. And do not accept anything as love which lacks truth! One without the other becomes a destructive lie. *

Your sister may not want to talk to a priest, but you might be able to help her better if you do.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Lily,

Every situation is unique, my divorce also as my soon to be ex-wife cheated for 2 years with a married man also. I also view things this way: and yes many will disagree with me, but Gods laws state that – Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife (spouse), and Thou shall not commit adultery. Jesus also stated: if a man divorces his wife, except for adultery, and marries another he himself commits adultery – Matthew 19.9.

So my opinion is no you are not wrong.

I will pray for your sister that God grants her and you strength and peace.

Winter.

 

[EasterJoy]

Lily,

Every situation is unique, my divorce also as my soon to be ex-wife cheated for 2 years with a married man also. I also view things this way: and yes many will disagree with me, but Gods laws state that – Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife (spouse), and Thou shall not commit adultery. Jesus also stated: if a man divorces his wife, except for adultery, and marries another he himself commits adultery – Matthew 19.9.

So my opinion is no you are not wrong.

I will pray for your sister that God grants her and you strength and peace.

Winter.

The innocent spouse has the right to a separation, but that does not mean that third parties are* automatically* right to encourage them in that direction without further explanation.

This is what I mean: The Church earnestly recommends that the innocent spouse consider the benefits to the family that can come out of forgiveness and readmission of the adulterous spouse to the common conjugal life. It totally right, however, for the third party to let the innocent spouse know the totality of what canon law says about the situation (which reflects the Church’s knowledge concerning the truth of Christian marriage, even for those Christians who are not in full communion with the Church), rather than to lean on the forgiveness so much that the innocent spouse is not told what his or her rights are in the situation according to the Church’s understanding of the rights and duties of the Christian marital bond:

***Can. 1151 **Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

**§2. **Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.

§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

…

**Can. 1155 *The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.

Now, again, this does not apply directly to a non-Catholic, but it does reflect how the Church has come to understand the best options that wronged spouses have in handling these situations. Note the passage “Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery.” IOW, it is not OK to re-admit your spouse to the common conjugal life and then change your mind and kick them out again. Instead, the wronged spouse has both the right to separate and the duty to give a decision on reconciliation that the offending spouse can receive in security.

If you’re going to forgive and readmit the offending spouse, you need to really forgive and really readmit, provided that the spouse doesn’t reoffend. Otherwise, it is necesary to make your actions fit your mind on the matter, and to exercise your right to separate until you are fully ready to reconcile (provided, again, that another offense does not occur). The wronged spouse has rights, but making the offender into a yo-yo is not one of them.

I would think that this makes total sense to you, since you’ve been in that situation, and that knowing the truths upon which these laws rest is why you recommend to that the wronged spouse separate first and consider options later. What do you say, though? Is this what you meant?