Hermoine:
The advice given to you in the old thread is one of the reasons Island Oak asked me if the people I was turning to for advise (in the mentioned ** Marriage roles and abuse survivors** thread) were qualified to address abuse survivor issues. The ramifications of such abuse is a topic which (unfortunalety) is very poorly understood by the clergy and has almost no Catholic oriented resources to turn to dealing specifically with the topic. (As a case in point, the best manual availabe for partners of abuse survivors is written by a lesbian who holds to several ideas about relationships and inherent obligations that are totally opposed to the Catholic ideals).
As the husband of someone subjected to various kinds of abuse, I strongly ditto the sentiment that you had an absolute obligation to let your fiance know exactly what sort of family situation he was marrying into and what baggage you are carrying into the marriage. He needs to know first to decide if he’s got the internal fortitude to deal with how that is going to color your perception of how “family” should work. Then he needs to prepare himself for what he’s likely to face after you marry. Finally, he needs to know who to protect both you and the children from as well as the expected nature of attack, because the abusers will attack again.
My wife’s parents, especially her mom, still lie and attempt to manipulate my wife, even though she hasn’t spoken to them in 3 years, by trying to bias my take on her recollection of childhood events when I give them an update every few months on how we are doing. Admittedly, I’m also fishing them for information, but I only mention what I’ve heard (and then leaving out specifics) to my wife when I hear something from another source that verifies the event was real to help calm my wife’s concerns she’s imagining things. Of course, her parents are never at fault in her mom’s version of events, but it does back up that the event happened.
As an employee within the state penal system who previously supervized some sex offenders that were part of a technical work detail on a unit with a high sex offender population, abusers are the least reformable of any type of criminal. Uneducated crack addicts have a better chance of not returning to prison than pedophiles, and the other types of abusers don’t do much better on recidivism… Quite frankly, anoyone likely to be in a position where they might notice likely victims of the abuser’s preference needs to know what the dangers are, to the point that even your fiancee’s parents and siblings need to know that (for instance) your children should not be left alone with your family. The obligation to protect the innocent from likely harm far outweighs any concern for the reputation of a proven abuser of any sort.
Also, try to seek out Catholic couples where at least one member has a history of childhood abuse to use as your guides on how to make things work. Not trying to be negative, but you will have more trouble than most couples, and it is important to build the support network before the trouble hits. Also make a commitment yourself to heed the advise (when trouble starts brewing) of other childhood abuse victims who have gone on to help lead faithful Catholic homes.
[edited to resemble the English language]
