Is it just a girl thing?

[bunnynessuk]

My best friend from childhood got engaged after knowing her boyfriend for 1 month (she is 20) she didn’t even know his surname! 6 months later they are still together and they have just got a 100% mortgage for a house at 5 times their joint salary!!! Now HE has decided that they don’t need to get married because they have bought the house! So essentially they have decided to just shak up!

She is from an irish catholic household and her mother is a strong catholic yet she has agreed to this situation and even gone guarantor for their house!

I don’t know how to help my friend because her so-called fiancee has made up his made that they don’t marry but he wants kids as soon as possible!!!

I don’t know if its her problem - she has always been desperate to settle down (she has been ‘engaged’ to every single one of her boyfriends) and now she is settling for a man who doesnt even want to go down the aisle and is prepared to just live with her!!

Any advice??

 

[Della]

Your friend has got issues here that you can’t help her with. She needs a good counselor, and even s/he may not be able to do her any good when she is so desparate to have a man in her life. I’m afraid this is all too typical these days. And with the “strong Catholic mother” not even batting an eye, she’d probably not listen to you. In fact, you’d probably risk losing your friendship with her to even say anything. Pray for her, but don’t get chummy with the live in situation or the bf. If this gal is going to learn what a bad mistake she’s made, she’s, sadly, going to have to learn it the hard way because that’s the way she’s chosen.

 

[puzzleannie]

your friend did not get engaged, she moved in with a guy, (and made a bonehead financial decision) without benefit of marriage. She will live to regret it, sad to say, but not before she has lost a lot more than virginity, self-respect and a lot of money. All you can do is pray. A girl bent on ruining her life is not going to listen to those who love her the most.

 

[JimG]

she has always been desperate to settle down (she has been ‘engaged’ to every single one of her boyfriends) and now she is settling for a man who doesnt even want to go down the aisle and is prepared to just live with her!!

She sounds a little too desperate to be thinking straight. She needs to dump him immediately, but you won’t be able to convince her of that.

(As an aside, isn’t mortgage underwriting great? They can’t discriminate on the basis of marital status, or lack thereof. As a result, she and her mother are both on the hook for this gigantic mortgage.)

 

[kamz]

Sounds like your friend is too afraid to speak up and tell her fiance that she wants to get married first… scared he will call the whole thing off… she needs to get a back bone!! Why buy the cow if the milk is free? He’ll never marry her

 

[beckers]

Sounds like your friend is too afraid to speak up and tell her fiance that she wants to get married first… scared he will call the whole thing off… she needs to get a back bone!! Why buy the cow if the milk is free? He’ll never marry her

I was going to say the same thing. To him whats the point of marrying her? HE gets the house, the girl to wake up to every morning and sex.

and she gets what? A possiblity of a future commitment?

Ya that ain’t going to happen

 

[LeahInancsi]

She’s stuck. As long her name is on that mortgage unless he will buy her out or agree to releasing her from her half. I’m not a lawyer, but that’s how it looks to me.

 

[chevalier]

I agree with beckers.

Unless a miracle is going to happen. But why would it?

There’s one way to avoid such a situation: not to have premarital sex, not to move in, etc. Those girls who don’t have sex with their boyfriends, don’t get “taken advantage of” and left.

You may want to give your friend a clear opinion and tell her exactly what she’s doing and where it’s going to lead her, as well as dispel a couple of illusions she has created for her own use. It may help in time. Just do it for her and not for yourself (something I ought to remember myself).

If she wants to be smitten, she will be smitten. The basic laws of nature apply. Love and reason can help. As for reason, I have some ideas. As for love, I don’t. Endless compassion and charity and listening out and all doesn’t really seem to work on some people. Pray for her. I’ll remember her in my prayers tonight.

 

[didymus]

My best friend from childhood got engaged after knowing her boyfriend for 1 month (she is 20) she didn’t even know his surname! 6 months later they are still together and they have just got a 100% mortgage for a house at 5 times their joint salary!!! Now HE has decided that they don’t need to get married because they have bought the house! So essentially they have decided to just shak up!

Oh! That’s sooo romantic!! Prince Charming swept her off her feet and they’re going to live happily ever after. Love will conquer all – NOT!!!
Yeah, it’s a girl thing. Those chick flicks should come with warning labels: This movie is hazardous to your mental, emotional and financial health.

I don’t know how to help my friend because her so-called fiancee has made up his made that they don’t marry but he wants kids as soon as possible!!!

You can’t help her, except by praying. Right now she’ll probably hate anybody who tries to talk reality to her – and hate you even more when you turn out to be right.

I don’t know if its her problem - she has always been desperate to settle down (she has been ‘engaged’ to every single one of her boyfriends) and now she is settling for a man who doesnt even want to go down the aisle and is prepared to just live with her!!

Any advice??

Well, of course he’s prepared to just live with her.
She sounds like she really needs some kind of counseling to find out why she is so desperate. Maybe she just never learned to be by herself.

 

[bunnynessuk]

I no that you are all right, its just heartbreaking - since we were eleven she has wanted to settle down and she hasnt been ‘single’ since she was 16 ( several different guys!). And then she met this one, she has dropped out of uni, moved him into her family home and now got this mortgage!!! I am just shocked i suppose. My financee and I have been together for such a long time and I wont even consider moving in until i get that 2nd ring!!! I mean we have certainly made mistakes and unfortuatley sometimes we have had to share a room (he sleeps on the floor) when we have been at uni, and since I came back to the church we have accepted a chaste relationship.

I guess I want my friend to have a good marriage and do things in the right way.

J

 

[Bobby_Jim]

Oh! That’s sooo romantic!! Prince Charming swept her off her feet and they’re going to live happily ever after. Love will conquer all – NOT!!!
Yeah, it’s a girl thing. Those chick flicks should come with warning labels: This movie is hazardous to your mental, emotional and financial health.

Can’t blame this all on chick flicks. Somewhere, somehow men get the idea that it’s ok to treat women this way, that it’s ok to walk all over women and use them for their own pleasure and then cast them aside when they’re done, and leave the women to raise their kids alone. I don’t think that comes from any one source. It’s pervasive throughout society.

 

[littlepaperstar]

My best friend from childhood got engaged after knowing her boyfriend for 1 month (she is 20) she didn’t even know his surname!

I find this hard to believe. maybe she didn’t want to tell you? Maybe it’s a name she is embarrassed of?

 

[banarkle]

bunnynessuk,

It looks like your friend has self-esteem issues that there is nothing you can say to her that will help her realize the severity of her errors. The best thing you can do is be the best witness for her and pray that she brings the subject up with and that the Holy Spirit guides you in the words you speak to her. Another good thing to do, that I have done in the past, is give her a book, tell her you read it and really thought it was good and would like for her to read and see what she thinks. Be sure you read it first!

 

[jmcrae]

I find this hard to believe. maybe she didn’t want to tell you? Maybe it’s a name she is embarrassed of?

No, I believe this.

When my husband and I first started dating seriously, I didn’t even know his first name - I only knew him by a nickname that his friends at the time were calling him by.

 

[banarkle]

The book I recommend for your friend is, “If You Really Loved Me” by Jason Evert