Is it modest to have two guys courting you at the same time?

[mariamusica]

Let me introduce myself first, I am turning 21 next month. Have a descent job and have been building serious personal relationship with God since college.
So here it is, way back in college, I met a guy whom I have been with almost everyday of entire college life. We serve God together in mass by singing in a church choir every week. Being active in church, we regularly received spiritual direction. We also avail the sacrament of confession on a regular basis. But despite of these things, we still had committed sins which greatly offends our Lord. We tried to work it out and prayed for the purity of our relationship but ending our relationship seemed to be the appropriate solution for our struggle since we meet everyday and we both have an apartment that time. We decided to end up our relationship during our senior year. It was hard but from then on, we did not committed again the same mistake we have been committing when we are still together.

Now that we are both working and starting our young adult lives, he still professes his love for me and his intentions to have me as his future wife. Having a goal to protect myself from engaging into such intimate relationship again, I diverted my attention away from him and started a better life. I make lots of friends at work and spend more time with my family. I joined other singing church choir too to continue serving God through music.

But then, I suddenly found myself praying eagerly for a guy friend who has been with me for the past few months. We have really become good friends. I actually have introduced him to my family as a friend and they found him nice. He is also very active in church until now. Though he is not yet expressing his intentions for me, it can clearly be seen through his actions. Our common friends also tells me that this guy is serious about me. He took an effort to see me once in a while even though he lives far away from my place. He visits me at my home and even eat meals with us. I told him already about my past relationship including the reason why we broke up. I also told him that I am still somehow not really sure if I would still give my past relationship a chance or not because my exboyfriend still cares for me the way he when we are still together. For almost 2 months, my new friend remained distant.

During the time that we are not seeing or talking to each other, I prayed to God for guidance and strength. I pray that He help me not to break the hearts of these two good man. Honestly, i am not really sure whom between them will I choose to be with now until the day that I become ready to marry. I wanted to know more about them but it hurts me to let both of them wait for me. Is it modest to let both of them court me at the same time? I am not really comfortable with it. My exboyfriend is my first boyfriend and as much as possible, the next one that I would got engage with would be my last. Please help me. I would not want to interfere God’s plan for the three of us. I just could not bear the guilt of being in between these guys.

I wanted to give my new friend a chance, I do really care for him. But is it proper to leave my exboyfriend for another guy?

My exboyfriend and I already already agreed about opening our hearts to someone else but he insists that he could not help but love me. What should I do? I need an advice. Thank you and may the Holy Spirit guide you.God bless.

 

[Irishmom2]

I also told him that I am still somehow not really sure if I would still give my past relationship a chance or not because my exboyfriend still cares for me the way he when we are still together. For almost 2 months, my new friend remained distant.

During the time that we are not seeing or talking to each other, I prayed to God for guidance and strength. I pray that He help me not to break the hearts of these two good man. Honestly, i am not really sure whom between them will I choose to be with now until the day that I become ready to marry. I wanted to know more about them but it hurts me to let both of them wait for me. Is it modest to let both of them court me at the same time? I am not really comfortable with it. My exboyfriend is my first boyfriend and as much as possible, the next one that I would got engage with would be my last. Please help me. I would not want to interfere God’s plan for the three of us. I just could not bear the guilt of being in between these guys.

I wanted to give my new friend a chance, I do really care for him. But is it proper to leave my exboyfriend for another guy?

My exboyfriend and I already already agreed about opening our hearts to someone else but he insists that he could not help but love me. What should I do? I need an advice. Thank you and may the Holy Spirit guide you.God bless.

Hello there. Yes, it is proper to leave an **ex-**boyfriend for another guy.

Your ex-boyfriend says to move on, and you have, but you have not cut the stings to him because you fear being alone. The new friend won’t commit because you have told him too much about your past for having known him such a short time.

At some point, you need to be willing to let go of the ex completely if you wish to move on. I know it is hard if he was your first, but you must. The new guy may not be “The One” either, it is too new to know, but that doesn’t mean you should keep the ex around in case the new friend “fails.” It seems like you are afraid to just be alone. You need to learn to enjoy your own company and develop your own life before you can make someone else a good wife. Use this time in your life to learn things for yourself.

I think you are rushing things in your expectations if you are thinking of marriage right off the bat with the second guy. Slow down and take your time. The next guy does not necessarily have to be the one you marry. That is your will, but perhaps not God’s will. Don’t assume to know His will. But I am pretty sure he wouldn’t want you in this situation.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[LightBound]

I don’t really think “modest” is the term you are trying to determine here. “Wise” would be a better word instead of “modest” when it comes to this.

I think what you really need to consider is it a good idea to be “strongly discerning marriage” (which is what the process of courtship is about) by being involved with 2 young men in a social sense at the same time…

Is it going to be confusing for you, based on emotions, to figure out who is the better future spouse for you? Are you going to be able to discern God’s call on who is?

Though the usual suspects are going to flame me on this one, I don’t think “modesty” has anything to do with what you are doing…unless you are dressed like the women gymnasts or volleyball players during the Olympics (comment made because of their current obsession with apparel in the Olympics…but hey, we got almost a whole week without another modesty thread before the Olympic one popped up and that one has yet to be closed down)

 

[lssanjose]

Let me introduce myself first, I am turning 21 next month. Have a descent job and have been building serious personal relationship with God since college.
So here it is, way back in college, I met a guy whom I have been with almost everyday of entire college life. We serve God together in mass by singing in a church choir every week. Being active in church, we regularly received spiritual direction. We also avail the sacrament of confession on a regular basis. But despite of these things, we still had committed sins which greatly offends our Lord. We tried to work it out and prayed for the purity of our relationship but ending our relationship seemed to be the appropriate solution for our struggle since we meet everyday and we both have an apartment that time. We decided to end up our relationship during our senior year. It was hard but from then on, we did not committed again the same mistake we have been committing when we are still together.

Now that we are both working and starting our young adult lives, he still professes his love for me and his intentions to have me as his future wife. Having a goal to protect myself from engaging into such intimate relationship again, I diverted my attention away from him and started a better life. I make lots of friends at work and spend more time with my family. I joined other singing church choir too to continue serving God through music.

But then, I suddenly found myself praying eagerly for a guy friend who has been with me for the past few months. We have really become good friends. I actually have introduced him to my family as a friend and they found him nice. He is also very active in church until now. Though he is not yet expressing his intentions for me, it can clearly be seen through his actions. Our common friends also tells me that this guy is serious about me. He took an effort to see me once in a while even though he lives far away from my place. He visits me at my home and even eat meals with us. I told him already about my past relationship including the reason why we broke up. I also told him that I am still somehow not really sure if I would still give my past relationship a chance or not because my exboyfriend still cares for me the way he when we are still together. For almost 2 months, my new friend remained distant.

During the time that we are not seeing or talking to each other, I prayed to God for guidance and strength. I pray that He help me not to break the hearts of these two good man. Honestly, i am not really sure whom between them will I choose to be with now until the day that I become ready to marry. I wanted to know more about them but it hurts me to let both of them wait for me. Is it modest to let both of them court me at the same time? I am not really comfortable with it. My exboyfriend is my first boyfriend and as much as possible, the next one that I would got engage with would be my last. Please help me. I would not want to interfere God’s plan for the three of us. I just could not bear the guilt of being in between these guys.

I wanted to give my new friend a chance, I do really care for him. But is it proper to leave my exboyfriend for another guy?

My exboyfriend and I already already agreed about opening our hearts to someone else but he insists that he could not help but love me. What should I do? I need an advice. Thank you and may the Holy Spirit guide you.God bless.

Although there was an emotional covenant agreed by you, and your ex, at one point, there isn’t a formal one established by God. At least, I think of it, as marriage being the true covenant established by God identifying a couple becoming one flesh. Boyfriend/Girlfriend relations don’t fall under this category, not even engaged couples (although, such gets closer to this ideal).

Like the immediate subsequent poster, I agree you may need to cut ties completely with your ex, depending on the nature of the break up. It seems as though you might end up having to do this, in light of the fact, he still professes his love for you. But, we’ll never know how his love for you will dim, over time. I know my feelings for a girl I met a while back dimmed greatly, after she went through a string of boyfriends; and besides, she only saw me as friend; and I don’t really want to ruin that friendship still going on for 13 years.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So you sinned with your first boyfriend and could not stop sinning, so you broke up with him? Why didn’t you marry him instead? Would he not stop being physical? Were you just too attracted to each other once you had become physical? I guess I don’t understand why you broke up with him if you had already found that you are compatible in so many ways. I can see breaking up if he says he can’t live without sex with you, but are your feelings for him still strong?

If he is not suitable marriage material, it is a shame that you have already bonded with him physically and emotionally. I do not think that finding another man is a wise move at this point. You are jumping from the frying pan into the fire, and now you will have 2 men pursuing you, which leads to many more complications and distractions. However it is very flattering to have 2 men professing their love for you and wanting to be with you. It is like strong drink, very exciting and addicting. But it also numbs the emotions. I would not advise this.

 

[odile53]

Now that we are both working and starting our young adult lives, he still professes his love for me and his intentions to have me as his future wife. Having a goal to protect myself from engaging into such intimate relationship again, I diverted my attention away from him and started a better life. I make lots of friends at work and spend more time with my family. I joined other singing church choir too to continue serving God through music.

During the time that we are not seeing or talking to each other, I prayed to God for guidance and strength. I pray that He help me not to break the hearts of these two good man. Honestly, i am not really sure whom between them will I choose to be with now until the day that I become ready to marry. I wanted to know more about them but it hurts me to let both of them wait for me. Is it modest to let both of them court me at the same time? I am not really comfortable with it. My exboyfriend is my first boyfriend and as much as possible, the next one that I would got engage with would be my last. Please help me. I would not want to interfere God’s plan for the three of us. I just could not bear the guilt of being in between these guys.

My exboyfriend and I already already agreed about opening our hearts to someone else but he insists that he could not help but love me. What should I do? I need an advice. Thank you and may the Holy Spirit guide you.God bless.

I think you need to have a conversation with the first young man, and tell him how uncomfortable his continued profession of his love for you is making you feel, especially in light of the fact that he did, after all, agree that both of you are free to open your hearts to others. And I think you need to seriously discern whether or not you personally are actually ready to get married * at this time.* From what little you’ve said, it seems to me that you are still very much in the process of forming your own identity as a fully autonomous adult. You appear to be attracted to marriage as a vocation, but if you are really interested in following God’s plan, have you really discerned that marriage is in fact His plan for you?

A really good idea would be to keep it very light and casual with both of these men–for example, do only structured activities and leave the romance alone for the time being until you achieve more clarity on the matter. And I would actually suggest going on a retreat for discernment of God’s call of vocation in your life.

Don’t let the word “vocation” scare you: Vocation is a call to state in life, whether that be married, single, or religious. I’m of the belief that not everyone is called to be either married or in the consecrated life, and according to Church teachings, the single life is a perfectly valid vocation, although you don’t see much in terms of it. Unattached people are free to give more fully of their time, talent, and treasure to the glory of God and the good of humanity than married people, and can live chastely in a pretty exciting and intrepid way. I also firmly believe that people who get married to available people without first discerning a genuine call by God to marriage are precisely the reason why the divorce rate is so high: They just really aren’t cut out for the vicissitudes of marriage and family life, or they have something else to give God and the world, and are miserable because they missed the boat that way.

I had discerned “single” until I was in my late thirties. There were a few young men who were suitable potential partners in my twenties, but I had discerned in an actual retreat that it was God’s will for me that I devote my energies elsewhere, at least for the time being. That realization led to a successful professional ballet career, a couple of summers spent in mission work on a native reservation out West, activity with low-income youth in the city, and work in my old parish’s soup kitchen; all of these things sandwiched in during hiatus time from my performance schedule. Additionally, I was graced with the opportunity to be a RCIA sponsor to a dance colleague who was converting to the Catholic Church. I could only have done those things with great difficulty if I had been married at the time.

When I finally did get married, it was with the knowledge that I was a fully adult human being, firm in my faith, and with a history of contributing actively to the world around me for the greater glory of God. The man I married is also active in community affairs and service to the less fortunate. I was able to discern quickly that in addition to our both being Christian (he is Lutheran,) we had a shared value system. It would have been horrifying to have married someone who turned out to be nominally religious but consumed by avarice and consumerism, and I would not have been able to successfully or peacefully live with such a person.

I’m just throwing this all out there because as a person just out of college, it’s very easy to see only concrete options. The good Lord may be calling you elsewhere, and ruminating about which of these men to commit yourself to might be painting yourself into the corner spiritually. Just a few thoughts for your consideration.

It’s my hope that God blesses you richly in all your future endeavors!

 

[mariamusica]

I am truly grateful to hear your answers. Thank you so much for giving me enlightenment. Truly God speaks through His disciples. I would certainly go on a retreat to know my vocation when I got the opportunity. You guys are right. We are all still young and got a lot of things to learn. Maybe letting go of all the romantic stuffs for now maybe the best solution for my dilemma. Focusing on building my relationship with God first should be my priority. Please pray that I may be able to share these learnings with my friends especially of those two. Please pray that God’s grace be upon me to overcome this struggle. Thank you and may God bless you all.