Is it time to cut ties with this friend?

[Catholic132]

This girl and I have been friends for almost 4 years. We don’t really hang out much but we talk on the phone and text a lot. I am Catholic but she is Baptist. Tonight we were texting each other and it was just small talk like “hey whats up” kinda stuff. And she asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. Which shocked me. I of course told her no way. And why that kind of thing was wrong. Should I cut contact with her? I know she is likes to party and she is a part of a sorority which I have heard partys alot. But I never before had any clue she would ask something like that. And what bothered me is I was tempted when she first asked.

 

[Trishie]

Hi!

I think in any case from a purely human viewpoint, that you will find it uncomfortable to be around her now. Her question is ‘out there’ and it will be difficult for you to encounter her without there being the elephant in the room that everybody knows is there but which everybody tries to ignore. In saying what she did, she changed the dynamic between you.

In any case as Christians who know scripture you know that you can’t get into this. That you felt tempted…well, possible occasion of sin. She’s spoiled things for you, for you both, but she needs your prayer as she is willing to ignore her own as well as your conscience and wellbeing as a Christian.

I’m sorry that if you withdraw from her you feel you may be cut off from some of the fun she may be a gateway to in parties…but where will her expecting you to stretch end up tempting you perhaps out of the boundaries that your Catholic faith give you?

You have to make your own decision according to conscience…but perhaps speak to your priest in Confession for guidance. May Jesus keep you close in his heart as a wise, faithful Catholic. God bless you, Trishie

 

[Harmony1988]

Hey dude, I think that you would have cut some kind of ties with her, but not necessarily the true friendship ties. You have to discern as to what situations are appropriate with her, stuff like having long romantic walks on the beach probably aren’t going to work so well now.

Furthermore if this was a text message i’d be careful, I had guys pranking me by text pretending to be a girl that I liked a few years ago.

 

[KingAlfred]

This girl and I have been friends for almost 4 years. We don’t really hang out much but we talk on the phone and text a lot. I am Catholic but she is Baptist. Tonight we were texting each other and it was just small talk like “hey whats up” kinda stuff. And she asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. Which shocked me. I of course told her no way. And why that kind of thing was wrong. Should I cut contact with her? I know she is likes to party and she is a part of a sorority which I have heard partys alot. But I never before had any clue she would ask something like that. And what bothered me is I was tempted when she first asked.

Yeah…it’s probably time to back away from the friendship. The issue of ‘benefits’ will probably dominate your relationship from now on, whether you’re caving in to them, or resisting doing so. Either way, sex is now the unspoken theme and temptation. It’ll always be at the back of your mind. Good luck.

 

[stacybks]

Seems like now since the cat is out of the bag… it will probably take control of your friendship… she may make passes or give hints and you are more at risk for temptation…

All you can really do now is pray for her and just cut some ties (like don’t hang out alone with her, etc.) but continue to speak to her as a Christian and maybe be the light for her to return to her faith the way she should…

 

[Harmony1988]

I don’t think you should be ‘bothered’ you were tempted the first time she asked, because after all it is a temptation and you reacted quite normally, that is; being tempted.

You however didn’t act on it, which is what ultimately matters, good luck dude!

 

[1ke]

She’s interested in something more than friendship and you aren’t. You don’t share values and you don’t seem to really have much interest in actually doing things with her.

Cut the relationship.

 

[Just_wondering]

I would be really offended at her suggestion if I were you. Let’s read the subtext of what she’s saying.

• She’s not interested enough to go out on dates with you.
• She sees no future with you.
• She’s not even willing to explore the possibilities of a life with you.
• She doesn’t want to introduce you to her family and friends as her boyfriend.
• She won’t be seen walking down the street with you, but if you don’t mind sneaking in through the back door she’d welcome you with open arms.
• There’s only one part of you that she’s interested in, and it’s not your mind or your heart.

With friends like that…

 

[Harmony1988]

She’s interested in something more than friendship and you aren’t. You don’t share values and you don’t seem to really have much interest in actually doing things with her.

Cut the relationship.

Don’t cut ties on all fronts, it’s bad, almost a complete judgemental face for her. People do various things when growing up, it wasn’t too long ago I would have been telling you “yea dude, go for it!!”. She may or may not change but whatever your reaction to this now will definitely impress in her mind some kind of idea that christians are hypocrites and reject people with different ideologies.

And plus if it’s a girl you liked, it’s not like you say to yourself, ok today we’ll just start not liking her and erase her from memory.

 

[Catholic132]

Thanks for all the advice. I told her this morning how I felt about all this. Then she started laughing at me telling me “She was joking and I shouldn’t give myself that much credit” And I told her that I needed to take a break from our friendship to think. And she said “bye lonely” and added a bad word at the end. I had a few names I wanted to call her but I kept my mouth shut. We have had fights in the past but it was about stuff like disagreeing on if a movie was a movie was bad or not. I never got to close to her because of her partying. I don’t do that kind of stuff. My idea of a party is going to Ihop with friends after bible study or going to a ball game or stock car race lol. I am feeling real sad right now.

 

[1ke]

Don’t cut ties on all fronts, it’s bad, almost a complete judgemental face for her.

We make judgments all the time. Observe, collect information, analyze it, and make a decision. This is judgment.

In my opinion, based on what he wrote, there is not sufficient value in this “friendship” to sustain it and cultivate more of it. It seems more like a friendship of convenience for both of them-- something to “do” because it’s there. I’ve had friends like that. They are just sort of email friends but not people I’d count on if my life were depending on them. They suck a lot of energy out of you that can be employed elsewhere.

I think the time spent investing in this girl is unwise, not only b/c she doesn’t share his values but because the time he spends with her is time he is NOT spending cultivating friendships that can lead to something deeper-- and not just romance but true lifelong friendship.

If the OP judges differently, so be it. He asked, so I answered.

She may or may not change but whatever your reaction to this now will definitely impress in her mind some kind of idea that christians are hypocrites and reject people with different ideologies.

Deciding that this friendship isn’t really fruitful has nothing to do with that. It’s about growing up and realizing that you don’t have to stay friends with someone forever just because-- for a time-- you were friends with them.

We only have so many hours in the day and so much time in our lives. Cultivate quality friendships. This just doesn’t seem like a quality friendship.

 

[Harmony1988]

We make judgments all the time. Observe, collect information, analyze it, and make a decision. This is judgment.

Way to go to take what I said out of context, judgement as in the word Jesus uses in the Bible. Someone says/does something and you get upset and cut ties, that is judgemental, which is incorrect. The rest of the rant is also void because this is just a strawman argument.

Deciding that this friendship isn’t really fruitful has nothing to do with that. It’s about growing up and realizing that you don’t have to stay friends with someone forever just because-- for a time-- you were friends with them.

We only have so many hours in the day and so much time in our lives. Cultivate quality friendships. This just doesn’t seem like a quality friendship.

Your definition of friendship seems to be very different from what I meant, I didn’t mean like a friendship as in hanging out on the mall everyday yada yada, friendship that you won’t run off when you see her, hang on up on calls constantly. He doesn’t have to ‘cultivate’ anything. If I had to break ties with everyone who couldn’t offer quality friendships in uni, either male or female, i’d be a loner. Most of my friends talk about very unCatholic things but I have to find common ground. Failed logic.

 

[Harmony1988]

Thanks for all the advice. I told her this morning how I felt about all this. Then she started laughing at me telling me “She was joking and I shouldn’t give myself that much credit” And I told her that I needed to take a break from our friendship to think. And she said “bye lonely” and added a bad word at the end. I had a few names I wanted to call her but I kept my mouth shut. We have had fights in the past but it was about stuff like disagreeing on if a movie was a movie was bad or not. I never got to close to her because of her partying. I don’t do that kind of stuff. My idea of a party is going to Ihop with friends after bible study or going to a ball game or stock car race lol. I am feeling real sad right now.

Looks like she knew she royally screwed up and tried to put on a different face, I doubt you’ll see much or hear much from her again, pray for her future.

 

[KingAlfred]

Thanks for all the advice. I told her this morning how I felt about all this. Then she started laughing at me telling me “She was joking and I shouldn’t give myself that much credit” And I told her that I needed to take a break from our friendship to think. And she said “bye lonely” and added a bad word at the end. I had a few names I wanted to call her but I kept my mouth shut. We have had fights in the past but it was about stuff like disagreeing on if a movie was a movie was bad or not. I never got to close to her because of her partying. I don’t do that kind of stuff. My idea of a party is going to Ihop with friends after bible study or going to a ball game or stock car race lol. I am feeling real sad right now.

Try not to feel sad. You did the right thing in the eyes of God. Jesus told us that our following of Him would entail much pain, alienation, suffering, and even death. You just experienced the truth of that prophecy. Heck…I had to cut off my relationship with my half-brother for reasons involving, in part, violent clashes of belief. He’s an atheist, I’m not, and this difference severely hurts our relationship. In the end, each one of us must be prepared to stand alone in the company of men, never alone, however, with God at our side. The world of Man is an illusion. Christ is our true reality.:knight1:

 

[1ke]

Way to go to take what I said out of context, judgement as in the word Jesus uses in the Bible. Someone says/does something and you get upset and cut ties, that is judgemental, which is incorrect.

No. That is not at all what Jesus is talking about. In the Bible Jesus is talking about judging as **only **God can judge. Judging the heart and soul of the person.

He is **not **talking about judging a person’s behavior, against moral standards or otherwise. There are **numerous **examples in he bible of doing so. The most prominent example is Matthew 18 where those who are sinning are to be corrected privately, then brought before a group, then the Church, and then treated as a “tax collector” if they do not change their ways.

The rest of the rant is also void because this is just a strawman argument.

Do you know the definition of a strawman argument? It’s not “I don’t like your argument”.

Your definition of friendship seems to be very different from what I meant, I didn’t mean like a friendship as in hanging out on the mall everyday yada yada, friendship that you won’t run off when you see her, hang on up on calls constantly.

Huh?

He doesn’t have to ‘cultivate’ anything.

What do you think you do with friendships? You cultivate them. You put time and effort into them. You reciprocate. You expend energy on them.

The opposite of that is what I suggest he does in this case.

If I had to break ties with everyone who couldn’t offer quality friendships in uni, either male or female, i’d be a loner. Most of my friends talk about very unCatholic things but I have to find common ground.

You don’t have to do anything of the sort. That’s my point. You choose to do so, and that’s fine. But you don’t have to.

And, he doesn’t have to do so either with this particular girl with whom he lacks common interests and is beginning to feel very uncomfortable.

Failed logic.

How is distancing oneself from a person that you don’t really want to be friends with anymore failed logic. It’s common sense.

 

[whatevergirl]

This girl and I have been friends for almost 4 years. We don’t really hang out much but we talk on the phone and text a lot. I am Catholic but she is Baptist. Tonight we were texting each other and it was just small talk like “hey whats up” kinda stuff. And she asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. Which shocked me. I of course told her no way. And why that kind of thing was wrong. Should I cut contact with her? I know she is likes to party and she is a part of a sorority which I have heard partys alot. But I never before had any clue she would ask something like that. And what bothered me is I was tempted when she first asked.

If you feel tempted to sin, it’s best to avoid those ‘near occasions of sin,’ even if it comes from an unexpected ‘source’ like your friend here. I would tell her your thoughts about it, and why you think it’s best if you are both friends–from a distance. But, be strong, because temptation is everywhere, and when you least expect it, it can be right there…in front of your face. If she wants to have sex, or whatever, with you–and you are trying to remain chaste…I think it’s best to just keep her at arm’s length. No need to be rude, whatever…just let her know your thoughts…you’re not into ‘that,’ and that your friendship is in jeopardy if you both can’t just be friends. I am leaning towards what 1ke is saying–it is literally impossible to turn back the hands of time, and act like she didn’t say this, so it will be hard to keep up a true friendship, when friendship isn’t what she’s after. Just my thoughts.

Praying for you to stay strong!

God help our youth…help our daughters to remain chaste, and our sons to remain chaste. I know that girls are very aggressive these days, as well as guys. Stay true to your faith, and stay close to Christ.

 

[kmleo]

Thanks for all the advice. I told her this morning how I felt about all this. Then she started laughing at me telling me “She was joking and I shouldn’t give myself that much credit” And I told her that I needed to take a break from our friendship to think. And she said “bye lonely” and added a bad word at the end. I had a few names I wanted to call her but I kept my mouth shut. We have had fights in the past but it was about stuff like disagreeing on if a movie was a movie was bad or not. I never got to close to her because of her partying. I don’t do that kind of stuff. My idea of a party is going to Ihop with friends after bible study or going to a ball game or stock car race lol. I am feeling real sad right now.

In case you aren’t sure, because it sounds like you may be letting her get to you… You rejected her, not the other way around. Her hurtful comments were an attempt to brush off the fact that she got turned down and deflect that rejection back to you. She says “don’t give yourself that much credit”? She’s nuts!! You are the kind of guy most girls are desperate for, even if they don’t realize it quite yet, because they are too busy partying. You are not lonely! You have friends to go to IHOP and Bible Study and Ball Games, and even though we’re all old fuddy duddies with weird screen names, you have us too. NO OFFENSE TO THE NON FUDDY DUDDIES READING THIS POST She’s wrong, and quite confused.

I agree with the PP’s – pray for her, be a friend to her in spite of her behavior (Forgive 70 times 7), and stay strong in your faith. God’s got great things planned for you!!
Praying for you!

 

[mitziemia]

Wow - great topic…

Well, let’s see here, I"m the “former” sorority girl and yes, I did a lot of the social parties (so to speak) that we all did…but the closer I have gotten to our Lord, the more I had to turn from that way of life and grow to walk in the Lord’s ways…not the secular ones…today my heart just breaks from what I see in this world, my spiritual sensitivity literally hurts…

First of all, “friends with benefits” no such thing - only a recipe for pain and suffering…

Secondly, my best friend is my a sorority sister. We’ve been best friends for 20 years and I love her to death. The problem is that she’s still very, very secular and chats like we used to chat - bout this guy and that escapade and who’s doing what etc…she’s actually dating a pretty famous rock star now, if you can believe…but, I have had to distance myself from her. I love her, I pray for her, but it hurts me too much to really deal with some of our conversations…that and honestly, the fact that sometimes I slip (out of a want to be with the ‘in’ group again) back into secular talking - you know, condoning behaviour I would be appauled at if my step-daughter were to mention it…

I came to a painful decision that I had to “divorce” some of my best friends…lovingly, but yes, I can call them for birthdays and holidays, but I can’t be a part of their sin…it is much more condemning for me in the eyes of God to tolerate sin in my presence, justifying it in the name of friendship, than to speak clearly against it, and if I can’t help someone see where they are leading an unfaithful life, then I have planted a seed hopefully, but I need to disassociate myself. PAINFUL.

I also had a best friend whom I introduced to his wife, another best friend of mine. We always loved each other very much and were truly best buds…I had to divorce him as well when he indicated that he had always had feelings for me and that eventhough he was married, he would always love me. Done. Broke my heart for selfish reasons…I really loved this guy as one of my best friends, I loved his wife as another great friend…I named their first child, our parents all loved each other…but done. It wasn’t right and what a Delilah I would be to continue that relationship.

Let her be mad. Plant a seed of faithfulness. Let God work with her from here. It hurts, but for the sake of your salvation and prayerfully hers, you definitely did the right thing WITHOUT HESITATION…

Blessings to you,
Holly