Is it wrong for me to feel this way...advise appreciated-vent

[iluvmybabies]

From your post I see two issues. One that he was staying up late playing games when he has a problem getting up early, and Two he was late to taking care of the kids. I can understand your angry (maybe that’s too harsh or a word) about him staying up late when you know he has trouble getting up early, but I think that chatting with him online and telling him to go to bed because he was wake-up troubles is very similar to a mom telling her son this. So while I understand your frustration (and would probably feel the same way) this is something that I think an apology would go a long way for. Say you know he’s a grown-up and you shouldn’t have ‘nagged’ him to go to bed since he’s grown up enough to figure out when bed-time is.

The second issue I would be very angry about. If he’s enough of a grown up to determine when he goes to bed at night then he’s enough of a grown up to take responsiblity seriously and to show up on time for a job. And not just any job, but taking care of those who can’t (for the most part) take care of themselves. This is unacceptable. If he wants to stay up all night then he still has to get up on time. No excuses!

Hope y’all work this out!

And I did apologize, I know it’s the mother in me that nagged at him because I knew he was going to have problems getting up in the morning, I have problems getting up all the time, so I know about that… I mean he did show up ontime if I would have gone in at my regular time… BUT not early like I had to. If he would have been honest with me and told me “I am staying up late today I will be at your place at the regular time” Well I would have left my boss a message and let her know that I was not going to make it in earlier and I would have gotten some sleep!! LOL But yes I did apologize and we have spoken about our feelings and responsibilities…

 

[iluvmybabies]

He spent the whole day with you and your kids and you all had a wonderful day. Then he went home. What he does in his own home on his own time is really not for you to have (name removed by moderator)ut about.

It does become your issue when he doesn’t show up for a committment.

I agree with oather posters who said it is really two seperate issues.

If it were me, I’d apologize for nagging about how he spent his time, but let him know that I’m really upset about having to leave your children alone because he was not there as promised. Also, leaving children alone with a sleeping babysitter is not much better than leaving them alone. A committment is a committment. It may not be a “real” job, but he agreed to be there and he wasn’t.

I did apologize… AND I did let him know how I felt. AND he did let me know how he felt…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Your feelings can’t be wrong, they are your feelings. That’s
like saying your eye color is wrong.

You have spent a tremendous amount of stress and energy
wondering whether you should be mad or not. You are just mad, o.k.

I wonder what would happen if you had spent all this energy
wondering what you could do for or with your kids when you
got home from work. What if all these posts about whether or
not you should be mad at a young man were instead letters to
your children, telling them how glad your are that they were
born into your life and how honored you are to be their mother.
You could have saved them, and given them to your children
on mother’s day.

What if you had spent the time looking into the one more year
of college you have yet to finish. Just think, in one year, you
could have a really decent job, and not have to worry about
hiring a young man to sleep on your couch instead of a real
babysitter.

What if you didn’t worry about dating and relationships at all,
and instead, concentrated on being the best mom you can be?
Your kids would get all that energy you are spending on him.
Shouldn’t you wait until your husband dies before you marry
another? That’s what I wished of my parents, no matter how
bad dad was.

As for the advise, Don’t depend on people to do what
they can’t be depended on for, and then blame them for it.
You are in charge of your kids, not him.

I feel so sorry you had a bad marriage, and I am proud of you
for holding on to your loving heart God is with you,…

Actually I have thought about not dating but I really care about this man and I know he really cares about me… And yes you are right, I should have spent more time thinking about my kids and how to spend the rest of my day that friday… BUT I went home and spent it fine anyhow… WE had a good weekend and I have no complaints at all about it… EXCEPT my kids give the worst time about going to bed at 10:30 pm on vacation nights… Oh well…

Thanks for the advice…

 

[iluvmybabies]

He is irresponsible and you are putting your children at risk by letting him come over late & crash all day. No wonder why you’re about crawling out of your skin. You already know that he is unreliable…ia grown man in his 30’s insists on staying up all night and playing games on the web or whatever…knowing he has a responsibility to take care of children the next day…17 year olds do that not grown men! Kick him to the curb…you will be supporting him as well as your own children, if you aren’t already.

No I am not supporting him, I am helping him just like he is helping me but not supporting him… I have my own place he has his own… He’s trying to finish school which is what I need to do as well…

Well he hasn’t done this in a long time…So I mean it doesn’t bother me that he has his “own” time, everyone needs it… What bothered me was that he forgot I had to go in early that day and he shows up to crash… that’s what bothered me…

But we had the whole weekend to communicate and we had a pretty good one so I am grateful I was able to get great advice from everyone here… It helped me be more rational instead of acting like a mom…

 

[iluvmybabies]

iluvmybabies;

I read your reply to me, and I hope you know that I think you’re such a super person and mom-just from reading your posts, you sound like such a sweet soul. :yup: I think your bf sounds like a good guy, too. I will say this–though, that while I don’t believe him at all to be irresponsible, he needs to realize that with three kids, there really aren’t ‘breaks,’ in life. I mean, you and he are not married yet–but I’m hopeful that he realizes that marrying a woman with three kids, means a lot of times, sacrificing one’s own time, for the betterment of the family. I think he does, he might just have needed some space. But, it’s something to talk over maybe. Before you get married, he needs to realize that he can’t just opt out for a day or two…to recharge his batteries. With dating a woman with three children, even one child…he will find himself sacrificing a lot of his ‘free’ time for you and them. This is a blessing, I think he knows this–but at the same time–it might be a good idea just to have a chat about all that.

I hope things work out…God bless!

Thanks whatevergirl… we did have a talk… and I did apologize for my nagging…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Agreed.

There’s a lot of gore in Fallout 3, but there’s more to the Fallout world and Fallout series than gore. It would be sad if someone noticed only the gore in a Fallout game after finishing it. I finished Fallout 1, Fallout 2, got far into Fallout: Tactics and now I’m playing Fallout 3. I’m a Ph.D. student in law, past my Master’s, and I teach people. Call me exeecindgly juvenile if you want, I don’t care. If a woman concluded she didn’t want me as a fiance because I played Fallout 3, I’d be happy to oblige.

YUP and he loves those kinds of games… Believe me I don’t mind it one bit… I grew up with nintendo, atari, etc… etc… etc…

I don’t mind one bit… AND I buy for my boys games such as banjo kazzoi, and Crash, and viva pinata, etc… I don’t have any adult games for my children…and for my daughter games like the littleist petshop for the DS…

I do own some gory games, such as Gow, gow2, left for dead, fable, etc… but I only play them when my children are in bed or when they are watching a movie in their room or “adult time.”

If I play them on a weekend it’s once in a great while, when they are occupied and not around me…

 

[iluvmybabies]

You have every right to be upset. Your children were left alone. He may be a great boyfriend, but it seems apparent he is not ready to be a husband and a father. I think that is possibly what is bothering you most. You must have seemed like a happy family before you went to bed–and by morning he had reneged on his commitment to you and your children rather badly. This is not an inconsequential issue. Must have been a terrible letdown for you. I’m sorry! I think maybe you are hoping that you over-reacted, because you see him as your future mate, and he is acting like an 18-year-old boy.

You don’t need to apologize (in my opinion.) He made a choice to keep gaming even though he was your designated babysitter. You were understandably worried about your children. Don’t be mad at him, but keep your eyes wide open.

Praying for you, Dear Girl.

Thanks I did apologize because I acted like a mother, but then again what mother doesn’t act like a mother to anyone??? BUT I shouldn’t have been like that. I know better and yes what bothered me was the fact that he was late and that he crashed, I mean he didn’t stay up and waited till I got home and then take a nap, I need naps once in a while too, I have no problem with that, but no he put himself first, he stayed up late, didn’t show up till late, and fell asleep…He knew my kids wake up late during vacations, on occassions, so he took that as an advantage and crashed that upset me. Even though he did wake up before they did, I was still upset because if it were a real job he would have been up without any problems… So it did upset me… We spoke…

 

[iluvmybabies]

OK I am here to give you an update…thanks to those who posted, it’s greatly appreciated… I have taken some of the criticism and accepted my way of reacting and I have taken the support and considered it dearly, as well as the advice…
Thank you all!

I got off on friday and went home, he was playing with my children, drawing and painting, which is their favorite past time… I was happy to see them happy. I didn’t interrupt until they were done with their masterpieces and it was time to clean up… I sent them to take a bath since the whole floor was a new color!!! lol… But it’s water color paint and it was in the kitchen floor so no biggie… I helped my db clean up, and I let him know we needed to talk. He agreed and after we were done I asked him to speak with me in my “office”, I let my children sit down in the living room and watch tv when they were done in the bathroom, I let them know I had to speak adult conversations and that they were to stay in the living room. We got some snacks for them left them with them in the living room and went inside the room. It’s my sanctuary, and private place. At least my kids weren’t going to really hear the screaming if there was any!! lol… jkjkjk

I started off with an apology and he interrupted me and apologized right back. I asked him to let me finish. He did. I let him know how I felt and how I was more upset about him being late and crashing than him staying up. First of all before I met him I would do that all the time. I would use my “adult” time to play xbox, or ps2 until like 3 am, so that’s not really a big deal… I did let him know that too, but I also let him know that since I got into the relationship “my” time was no longer just mine, but his and mine as well. I let him know that a relationship to me was the beginning of a marriage, something that was still serious, and full of responsibilities, especially when children are involved… I let him know that even his father and I spoke, earlier that Friday before I went home his dad called me, we speak often. And he asked what was going on, you know parents know everything!! I let him know and even he thought his son was irresponsible. Then he gave me the whole talk about how he’s a gamer but he never put his wife nor kids last, they were always first and he taught his son better, etc etc etc… I did mention this to my bf…

He was a bit embarrassed about it but he knows his dad and I get along and since I am far away from my family, well for now they are the only family I have…sort of… at least family figure type…

So he wasn’t bothered and he agreed with what his father stated.

I let him know that he made me feel as if my timing wasn’t important and neither were my children since he crashed and was late… That I felt really bad more angry but bad… Because I had a feeling he was going to forget and that’s why I reminded him…And that I shouldn’t need to remind him…I also let him know that I was not happy with him lying to me and if he needed the extra time alone to just be open and honest and let me know like I let him know…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Then it was his turn…

He told me that I always asked him to remind me of things, and that’s why he invested in postit notes for me because I need to be reminded of everything every second of the day…he laughed while he was saying this… I got embarassed and agreed…it’s true. I carry a pen and paper everywhere I go… He continued:

“I need you to remind me as well, we are a team, we work together, I remind you where your head’s at you remind me where my head’s at and we keep each other’s heads in place, you know what they say 2 heads are better than one!!” I giggled…And I agreed… he continued with “I didn’t mind that you reminded me about my responsibility… I didn’t even get upset or bothered, I just couldn’t believe the time!! I guess, I lost timing and I felt bad that after the first time you reminded me I continued on; I got off as soon as you reminded me the second time. I saw the clock and said OH SH!T and just signed off. I was hoping I would still get there on time but I forgot you had to be at work early that day!! I am really sorry!”

He told me that I needed to remember that once in a great while he needed his own time as well, even if it’s for an hour. He reminded me that he stayed up this late 6 months ago, but since I didn’t need him as a babysitter, it never even bothered me.

I did forget…

He also apologized for crashing and being rude about the whole situation, and not being more responsible. That he didn’t think of anything wrong since the children were asleep and he woke up before they did to make them breakfast and take care of them.

I did agree that was kind of him but… He interrupted with stating he was not going to do that again. That if he needed to stay up late that he was going to tell me straight up because he doesn’t want misunderstandings, secrets, nor miscommunication between us. He told me that I was right a relationship especially the one he hopes will turn into a marriage is like a marriage.

Everything must be for the “family” not just for him. That we are best friends and best friends always tell each other everything, because that’s the whole point of being friends, and I agreed. It was kind of funny and he made me smile when he said “friends, best friends!!!” Because I used to tell my bfs, and I tell my daugther that all the time!! LOL…He felt that it was the best way to deal with his wanting of being alone once in a while was to just tell me from now on. He thought I would understand since sometimes I need alone time as well, but that he did go wrong about it, instead of lying to me, that next time he will tell me straight out in the case I need him to babysit early again, I will know to find other arrangements ahead of time. He didn’t think it would be a big deal to stay up late and it wasn’t but the fact that he was late and crashed was wrong for him to do and he said wouldn’t do it again. He was going to communicate his feelings better with me and be more understanding.

He said he understands the responsibilities that come with children but for one night he really needed his time alone. He said he has been trying to be so responsible and helping me that he got lost his thoughts and timing, and he didn’t mean to really stay up that late, but once he got into the games and his friends, he couldn’t help but want to stay up, and he did think he was going to be up on time, and that he did forget I had to be there early. He said he had his alarm clock on but for the wrong time… Of course he was late but that he tried. He promised he would listen more often instead of just hearing and not really listening…

I was very happy with the way our conversation went. There was no tension, no screaming, no shouting, we did raise our voices for one second but that was because at first we were trying to overlap each other but, we listenend to each other. Waited till we each finished what we had to say and then talked about it…

We had a good weekend. He actually let me sleep in sunday. I was exhausted, and he let me know he was coming over early to help me with my children so I can rest. AND then my son got the flu so he helped me with my son as well…

I think we might have a chance still!!

Thanks to everyone…