Is it wrong to delay starting RCIA?

[RomyMalk]

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum; I’m just posting here because I saw other RCIA-related questions here and figured this was the place to be.

Anyway, here’s my story. Bear with me, this is long and complicated…

My father is a Presbyterian minister. I was baptized, raised, and confirmed in the Presbyterian church, and I still attend the church of my childhood. I am engaged to a wonderful man who was baptized Catholic, but never attended church as a child and wasn’t raised to believe in anything in particular. He came to faith as an adult and attends our church. I’m studying at an evangelical college 90 miles away from my hometown, but I go home every weekend to be with my fiance, who goes to a different college, so I still attend church with my family. Up until very recently (by very recently, I mean little more than a month ago), I was a staunch Calvinist and thought I knew what I believed well. Now I’m not so sure.

I started researching Catholicism completely on my own after the “Catholics Come Home” campaign drew me in. It’s very attractive to me and a lot of it makes sense. My two main reasons for considering conversion are:

1. The fact that it was the Church established by Jesus Christ himself and that the apostles and early Church fathers were undoubtably Catholic in their theology, not Protestant or Calvinist, and that it has remained strong and unwavering in its doctrines for all these years, despite all of the problems it has faced.
2. Catholicism is just so much more intellectually satisfying and Biblical than Calvinism. It answers questions about the Bible and spirituality in general that Calvinism is either silent on or gives insufficient answers to. For example, I’ve come to realize that two of the only things Protestants can agree on, sola scriptura and sola fide, are both illogical and unbiblical. James is probably the most inconvenient book of the Bible for Protestants. We always glossed over the parts like “faith without works is dead” in my youth group or the Bible studies I attended. Now I know why.

However, it’s only been a month and a half since this sort of “awakening” started. Two months ago, I got an A on a paper I wrote in defense of John Calvin’s views on the sacraments for my summer theology class, which my dad read and approved of. I have no Catholic family and only one Catholic friend at college. I’ve never even been to mass (although I’ve watched it on TV). I want to make sure I really understand this faith and that this is truly where God is leading me, not just some passing fancy. My Catholic friend offered to take me to mass and encouraged me to take RCIA classes at her parish. She said I could learn more about Catholicism and there would be no obligation to convert. Since I didn’t want to tell my dad I was looking at Catholicism just yet, I decided to attend the Sunday evening mass with her instead of the morning one, so I can still go home every weekend and attend church with my family. Unfortunately, things keep getting in the way (work, the hurricane, etc.), so I won’t be able to go with her until the Sunday after next. In the meantime, I decided to call up the parish to inquire about RCIA.

I was very disappointed to find out that RCIA, which starts in October, meets Sunday mornings. Not only does this mean I’ll be cutting time with my fiance short by returning here Saturday night instead of Sunday afternoon like I usually do, but I’ll be skipping church with my family, which will arouse questions from my dad. I wasn’t planning on telling him about my interest in the Catholic Church for a while, at least until I had been going to mass and attending classes for a while, so I could assure him (and myself) this wasn’t an impulsive thing. The parish in my hometown has RCIA classes on a weekday, and I can’t be home for those.

I’m not exactly sure what to do here. Are my priorities out of order if this concerns me this much? Would it be wrong or sinful for me to attend mass as a guest for a while and wait to start RCIA next year, so I can be more sure that this is what I want to do? I really want to receive the sacraments of the Eucharist and confession, but at the same time I don’t want to burn bridges with my family and my old church too quickly.

By the way, my fiance is supportive of my search for the truth and has even taken up some Catholic customs like praying the rosary, but he still takes issue with some of the Church’s practices, like annulments (his mother was unable to annul her first marriage without paying a large sum of money that she couldn’t afford, which prompted her to leave the Catholic Church) and confessing one’s sins to a priest. He also thinks that I’m only interested in converting just because I’m disillusioned and bitter because of some bad experiences in our church, which I honestly don’t think is true.

 

[SonCatcher]

Welcome home.

I hope I can be of some help.

I’m not exactly sure what to do here. Are my priorities out of order if this concerns me this much?

Possibly. If you are no longer their dependent then you are free to make your own decisions in life. Jesus did say he came not to bring peace but a sword that would even divide families.

Would it be wrong or sinful for me to attend mass as a guest for a while and wait to start RCIA next year, so I can be more sure that this is what I want to do? I really want to receive the sacraments of the Eucharist and confession, but at the same time I don’t want to burn bridges with my family and my old church too quickly.

Not at all. Guests are always welcome. You already seem aware that you will not be permitted to receive the sacraments until your reception into the Church so all should be okay.

By the way, my fiance is supportive of my search for the truth and has even taken up some Catholic customs like praying the rosary, but he still takes issue with some of the Church’s practices, like annulments (his mother was unable to annul her first marriage without paying a large sum of money that she couldn’t afford, which prompted her to leave the Catholic Church) and confessing one’s sins to a priest. He also thinks that I’m only interested in converting just because I’m disillusioned and bitter because of some bad experiences in our church, which I honestly don’t think is true.

Actually, you know from what he has told you that he is disillusioned with the Catholic Church. Often people interpret other people’s actions in light of their own biases and experiences. Still, the question is valid: “Am I running from something or to someone?”

Though I cannot fully address his issues you mentioned since he is not available to describe them in detail, I will attempt to address them generally.

On annulments, The Catholic Church teaches that a validly contracted marriage is completely unbreakable while both spouses live. If a couple were to obtain a civil divorce because they can no longer live together in peace, they would still be married before God. thus, if either spouse were to remarry, he would in fact be committing adultery (recall the words of Jesus on marriage and adultery). The annulment process is an investigation into whether the couple actually married validly in the first place. It can be expensive because the investigators need to interview people, collect facts and make a case to whether or not the marriage occurred. There should have been help available for the destitute.

Confession of sin to a priest is one of the least understood Catholic practices. But it is safe. Priests are bound to secrecy concerning the confessional and even the secular courts recognize that. It’s actually a vast improvement over the early church where people were required to proclaim their sins to the whole community to receive absolution. Also, the priest is acting “in the person of Jesus” when hearing confession. His is Jesus’ physical ear hearing. His is Jesus’ audible voice pronouncing forgiveness.

 

[chipeto]

In my opinion, it’s good to be sure of what you are doing before you do it. I myself have been in the orbit of the Church for nearly five years, and I’ve finally signed up for RCIA starting next month. It started with reading G.K. Chesterton, which made me curious about this ‘Catholic thing’. Before I knew it, I was reading more and more, and discovering the gaping holes in my knowledge about history. Catholicism became an obsession. Now I have shelves full of Catholic books.

The more I studied history, especially that of the early church, the less tenable Protestantism became. I discovered that much of what I ‘knew’ of the history of the Church was nothing more than a set of flimsy lies. And I was cut to the quick by the lives of the saints, by their passion, by their love. I know what you mean about the intellectual aspects. After encountering the depth and breadth of Catholic thought, the other denominations just seem so…cramped.

…the convert begins to be conscious not only of the falsehood but the truth and is enormously excited to find that there is far more of it than he would ever have expected. . . . This process, which may be called discovering the Catholic Church, is perhaps the most pleasant and straightforward part of the business, easier than joining the Catholic Church and much easier than trying to live the Catholic life. It is like discovering a new continent full of strange flowers and fantastic animals, which is at once wild and hospitable.
G.K. Chesterton - The Catholic Church and Conversion

THE CONVERT

After one moment when I bowed my head
And the whole world turned over and came upright,
And I came out where the old road shone white,
I walked the ways and heard what all men said,
Forests of tongues, like autumn leaves unshed,
Being not unlovable but strange and light;
Old riddles and new creeds, not in despite
But softly, as men smile about the dead.

The sages have a hundred maps to give
That trace their crawling cosmos like a tree,
They rattle reason out through many a sieve
That stores the sand and lets the gold go free:
And all these things are less than dust to me
Because my name is Lazarus and I live.

–G. K. Chesterton–

It isn’t wrong or sinful for you to attend Mass as a guest. Everyone is welcome. I know that family complicates things. I will breaking the news to mine within a few weeks. I don’t know how they will take it! But on the other hand, I don’t want to keep secrets from them.

I think if you are prayerful and keep seeking, these things will work themselves out.

 

[Della]

As John has said, if you are an adult, you need not answer to your father for your actions, but I can certainly understand how you don’t want to hurt his feelings. He may think you are deserting him in your interest in the Church. You would need to reassure him that you aren’t rejecting him but only Calvinism–that you are taking with you all the good things your parents taught you, all you gained as a Presbyterian.

RCIA is actually meant for the non-baptized not baptized Christians, such as yourself. It might be best to contact the parish priest to talk to him about your situation to see what he might suggest. He won’t want to divide your family in order that you be reconciled to the Church. He may give you personal instructions in the Faith, thus avoiding the whole issue of RCIA being on Sunday mornings.

Also, if you and your boyfriend are living together on weekends like a married couple, that would have to end. I don’t know that you are, and don’t want to embarrass you, but if you are, that can’t go on. Catholics believe in the call to holiness–that God wishes us to be holy as he is holy. Many Catholics don’t abide by this, I know but they ought to, even so.

Some non-Catholic Christians take a long time to come into full communion with the Church. Each person’s journey is a bit different and only you can be on your own journey. Your boyfriend has some skewed ideas about his own Church, which he ought to get straigtened out. The most important thing is where we will spend eternity, not family relationships or boyfriends or careers or marriage, etc. God has a vocation for each of us and wants us to be fully prepared for it whether it be marriage or the religious life. We are to live chastely in either case, and be able to aid others in their journey to heaven, as well. If you can’t say you are doing that, you need to do what you can so you will be. Don’t make avoidable mistakes, but seek out the best thing for your own soul and those of others. God bless you and your loved ones.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’m not exactly sure what to do here. Are my priorities out of order if this concerns me this much? Would it be wrong or sinful for me to attend mass as a guest for a while and wait to start RCIA next year, so I can be more sure that this is what I want to do? I really want to receive the sacraments of the Eucharist and confession, but at the same time I don’t want to burn bridges with my family and my old church too quickly.

By the way, my fiance is supportive of my search for the truth and has even taken up some Catholic customs like praying the rosary, but he still takes issue with some of the Church’s practices, like annulments (his mother was unable to annul her first marriage without paying a large sum of money that she couldn’t afford, which prompted her to leave the Catholic Church) and confessing one’s sins to a priest. He also thinks that I’m only interested in converting just because I’m disillusioned and bitter because of some bad experiences in our church, which I honestly don’t think is true.

welcome home
you have several options
you can find out if there is a parish closer to school that has classes on another schedule during the week

you can talk to this parish and find out if there are alternatives offered

you can continue studying on your own, focusing on the issues of greatest concern

if you are asking about priorities it seems that you and your fiancee getting on the same page is tops, so some arrangement where you attend some kind of sessions together would be the ideal.

 

[SonCatcher]

RCIA is actually meant for the non-baptized not baptized Christians, such as yourself.

Strictly speaking, this is correct. RCIA is adapted in most places to also educate baptized non-Catholics, however. As such, it is the usual route by which Protestants enter the Church. Exceptions are made at the discretion of the bishop (or priest, if he has delegated this authority).

 

[Della]

Strictly speaking, this is correct. RCIA is adapted in most places to also educate baptized non-Catholics, however. As such, it is the usual route by which Protestants enter the Church. Exceptions are made at the discretion of the bishop (or priest, if he has delegated this authority).

Yes. I went through RCIA as a baptized Christian and it was geared mainly towards those like me. That wasn’t its original purpose, though. I can see how parishes, strapped for man power and funds would combine the two. I have no problem with it, but it isn’t always the best program for everyone, so parishes shouldn’t totally depend on it for educating their baptized “converts”. Just saying.

 

[achmafooma]

Hello, RomyMalk!

Speaking as my own parish’s RCIA director (and a former Protestant), nobody but you can determine when the right time to start RCIA is. If you feel, for any reason, that you are unable to do so at this time, then don’t. If you feel called to sacrifice other things in your life because your call to the Church is that strong, then do. Neither choice is inherently right or wrong. You must judge based on your individual circumstances. My best advice to you is to pray, pray, pray about what to do (and follow whatever guidance the Holy Spirit gives you).

It is definitely not wrong to attend Mass as a non-Catholic, and you can do so for as long as you wish. You can participate in everything except receiving Holy Eucharist (although you can, and should, still make a spiritual communion while others are receiving the Sacrament). One of our RCIA students last year attended Mass with his Catholic wife almost every Sunday for many years before he decided to go through RCIA!

You might also consider making an appointment with a local Priest to discuss your circumstances with him. I know in our Parish that RCIA classes are the ‘normal’ way to come in, but sometimes Father has made other arrangements with people who couldn’t go through the classes for serious personal reasons…though he reserves this for special cases because of his very tight schedule. He might also be aware of neighboring parishes’ RCIA schedules; maybe one of them will work for you.

God bless you. I’ll pray for you in your spiritual journey!

 

[RomyMalk]

Hey everyone, thanks for all your kind and helpful answers. I found another lively, vibrant parish in my hometown that has RCIA classes on Sundays. I’ll be calling them tomorrow to inquire about it. Better still, my fiance has agreed to attend mass and RCIA with me! I wish I could go with a practicing Catholic so that I could know what was going on, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too.

If you are no longer their dependent then you are free to make your own decisions in life.

The issue is that while I’m technically an adult, I’m still very much dependent on my father. I still live at home on weekends and breaks, and he’s paying for my college tuition and wedding expenses. While I doubt he’d cut me off for converting to Catholicism, it may create some tension at home that I really don’t need, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful.

I also passed on your explanations about annulment and confession to my fiance. He still seems unconvinced, but he’s considering talking to a priest about it. I think the annulment is the biggest issue because he feels like saying that a marriage was invalid makes the children illegitimate (his parents are divorced too) and is even more painful than saying your parents were legitimately married at one time, but now aren’t. Does that make sense?

After encountering the depth and breadth of Catholic thought, the other denominations just seem so…cramped.

That’s a great way to put it! I’m totally using that analogy if and when the time comes to explain to my Protestant friends why I’m converting.

Also, if you and your boyfriend are living together on weekends like a married couple, that would have to end. I don’t know that you are, and don’t want to embarrass you, but if you are, that can’t go on. Catholics believe in the call to holiness–that God wishes us to be holy as he is holy. Many Catholics don’t abide by this, I know but they ought to, even so.

Oh no, that’s definitely not the case, but I can see how my post can be interpreted that way. I should have said that I live at home with my family, but I mainly go home to be with my fiance.

if you are asking about priorities it seems that you and your fiancee getting on the same page is tops, so some arrangement where you attend some kind of sessions together would be the ideal.

This is what inspired me to seek out other parishes in or near my hometown that offered RCIA classes at a time both me and my fiance would go. I’m so glad he agreed! We think it’s important that our faith is something we share. The biggest concern for us is our future children. We want to be on the same page as we raise them so they don’t grow up confused about religion and end up believing in nothing at all (happened to one of my friends).

Thanks again to everyone for all these replies! Please keep me, my fiance, and our families in your prayers.

 

[achmafooma]

I also passed on your explanations about annulment and confession to my fiance. He still seems unconvinced, but he’s considering talking to a priest about it. I think the annulment is the biggest issue because he feels like saying that a marriage was invalid makes the children illegitimate (his parents are divorced too) and is even more painful than saying your parents were legitimately married at one time, but now aren’t. Does that make sense?

This does make sense. I should note that the Church is very, very clear about this – children born in a marriage, even if the marriage turns out to have been invalid, are still legitimate.

Canon 1137 of the Code of Canon Law states, “Children who are conceived or born of a valid or of a putative marriage are legitimate.” A marriage that is later found to be invalid is still ‘putative,’ meaning that it was *believed *to be valid at the time.

So if anybody says a child born of a marriage later annulled is illegitimate, they are deviating from the teaching of the Church! Hope this helps. God bless you!

 

[SonCatcher]

RomyMalk;8311439:

I also passed on your explanations about annulment and confession to my fiance. He still seems unconvinced, but he’s considering talking to a priest about it. I think the annulment is the biggest issue because he feels like saying that a marriage was invalid makes the children illegitimate (his parents are divorced too) and is even more painful than saying your parents were legitimately married at one time, but now aren’t. Does that make sense?

This does make sense. I should note that the Church is very, very clear about this – children born in a marriage, even if the marriage turns out to have been invalid, are still legitimate.

Canon 1137 of the Code of Canon Law states, “Children who are conceived or born of a valid or of a putative marriage are legitimate.” A marriage that is later found to be invalid is still ‘putative,’ meaning that it was *believed *to be valid at the time.

So if anybody says a child born of a marriage later annulled is illegitimate, they are deviating from the teaching of the Church! Hope this helps. God bless you!

Thanks again to everyone for all these replies! Please keep me, my fiance, and our families in your prayers.

You’re welcome and Will do.

 

[Della]

Just wanted to say that I too will pray for you and your situation. At some point on your journey into the Church you will have to tell your father about it. The best thing is to cite all the positive things you’ve gotten from him that helped your spiritual life and to assure him that by becoming Catholic you aren’t abandoning Jesus but are embracing him all the more fully. Just a couple of thoughts to help you when the time comes. God bless you and yours!

 

[AntalKalnoky]

welcome home
you have several options
you can find out if there is a parish closer to school that has classes on another schedule during the week

you can talk to this parish and find out if there are alternatives offered

you can continue studying on your own, focusing on the issues of greatest concern

if you are asking about priorities it seems that you and your fiancee getting on the same page is tops, so some arrangement where you attend some kind of sessions together would be the ideal.

“Studying on ones own” does not qualify for becoming Catholic, there are Many things to learn; RCIA is a Fascinating, intriguing course. Living Together is Living in Sin, and massive data shows Increases by 50% the probability for Divorce and later Marital Problems, including Violence. The Church requires notifying the Church at Least 6 months before marriage to get the Highly beneficial “Pre_Canaan” Pre-Marriage discovery program, even other Faiths have copied. It’s a test of Compatibility and whether it’s True Love. Each.