Is it wrong to deny someone the sponsor of their choice?

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mom2three

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When I first started RCIA, I was told by the RCIA Director that my boyfriend, a practicing Catholic, could not be my sponsor because we could “break up” in the middle of the process. I recently found out that this is not a rule she has the authority to make and that one should be able to choose whoever they wish to be their sponsor as long as they are a practicing Catholic… I now feel a bit cheated since I was paired up with a complete stranger and this was an experience I really wanted to share with my boyfriend. Now, here I am, less than two weeks from Easter and I’m not sure if I should do something about this…

I guess I’m looking for moral guidance here. I don’t want to hurt my sponsor, who I respect very much, but I’m upset that my boyfriend was unnecessarily cut out of the process. (My sponsor is elderly and said that should I choose someone else, she will understand because she won’t be around forever… but I don’t want to hurt her and I think she may be thinking that she could be there in addition to someone else… ) Can someone have TWO sponsors? If not, do I just continue as planned? Do I drop out and ask another parish to allow my boyfriend to be my sponsor? Or, am I morally obligated to stick with the sponsor I’ve had through the whole process?

And how do I address this with the director? She should not be telling grown adults that they cannot choose their own sponsor just because they might “break up” in the middle of the process… By making up her own rules, I am now in the position of being sponsored by someone other than who I would have chosen AND now face the possibility of hurting someone else. I wish I’d know about this when RCIA began…

Can anyone offer me any guidance?
 
I may not be the solution here but IMHO if I were your current sponsor I would fully understand your dilemma and encourage you to have your boyfriend as your sponsor. Especially under the circumstances you described. Your RCIA director makes no sense because a stranger has no more a close relationship with you than your boyfriend, even if you broke up. Who’s to say that you don’t get in an argument with your “stranger” sponsor after your initiation??

Looking at these recent threads it seems like we are in dire need of proper catechesis. A simple reponse like this could sour someone from the faith.😦 God Bless you and welcome to our Catholic faith whoever your sponsor is. 🙂

One last pointer. My wife is not my sponsor for any sacrament and yet she is my total spiritual guide. Many sponsors never fulfill any role but your boyfriend can always be there for you in the role which allows for spiritual growth. Hang in there and maybe God knows that this elderly lady needs you and you need her. He works in mysterious ways, you know…teachccd
 
mom2three said:
When I first started RCIA, I was told by the RCIA Director that my boyfriend, a practicing Catholic, could not be my sponsor because we could “break up” in the middle of the process. I recently found out that this is not a rule she has the authority to make and that one should be able to choose whoever they wish to be their sponsor as long as they are a practicing Catholic… I now feel a bit cheated since I was paired up with a complete stranger and this was an experience I really wanted to share with my boyfriend. Now, here I am, less than two weeks from Easter and I’m not sure if I should do something about this…

I guess I’m looking for moral guidance here. I don’t want to hurt my sponsor, who I respect very much, but I’m upset that my boyfriend was unnecessarily cut out of the process. (My sponsor is elderly and said that should I choose someone else, she will understand because she won’t be around forever… but I don’t want to hurt her and I think she may be thinking that she could be there in addition to someone else… ) Can someone have TWO sponsors? If not, do I just continue as planned? Do I drop out and ask another parish to allow my boyfriend to be my sponsor? Or, am I morally obligated to stick with the sponsor I’ve had through the whole process?

And how do I address this with the director? She should not be telling grown adults that they cannot choose their own sponsor just because they might “break up” in the middle of the process… By making up her own rules, I am now in the position of being sponsored by someone other than who I would have chosen AND now face the possibility of hurting someone else. I wish I’d know about this when RCIA began…

Can anyone offer me any guidance?
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As long as he qualifies as a Sponsor under Canon Law you may have him as your sponsor, no one can prohibit him from acting as your Sponsor.
 
From the liturgical book, Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults:
“10 A sponsor accompanies any candidate seeking admission as a catechumen. Sponsors are persons who have known and assisted the candidates and stand as witnesses to the candidates’ moral character, faith, and intention. It may happen that it is not the sponsor for the rite of acceptance and the period of the catechumenate but another person who serves as godparent for the periods of purification and enlightenment and of mystagogy.
11 Their godparents (for each a godmother or godfather, or both) accompany the candidates on the day of election, at the celebration of the sacraments of initiation, and during the period of mystagogy. Godparents are persons chosen by the candidates on the basis of example, good qualities, and friendship,** delegated by the local Christian community, and approved by the priest.** It is the responsibility of godparents to show the candidates how to practise the Gospel in personal and social life, to sustain the candidates in moments of hesitancy and anxiety, to bear witness, and to guide the candidates’ progress in the baptismal life. Chosen before the candidates’ election, godparents fulfil this office publicly from the day of the rite of election, when they give testimony to the community about the candidates. They continue to be important during the time after reception of the sacraments when the neophytes need to be assisted so that they remain true to their baptismal promises.”

The adult being baptised has a say in choosing their godparents, but this needs to be approved by the priest. Also the sponsors “are persons who have known and assisted the candidates and stand as witnesses to the candidates’ moral character, faith, and intention.” It is reasonable for a parish priest to decide that a boyfriend is not a suitable person for either role.
 
John_Lilburne said:
From the liturgical book, Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults:
“10 A sponsor accompanies any candidate seeking admission as a catechumen. Sponsors are persons who have known and assisted the candidates and stand as witnesses to the candidates’ moral character, faith, and intention. It may happen that it is not the sponsor for the rite of acceptance and the period of the catechumenate but another person who serves as godparent for the periods of purification and enlightenment and of mystagogy.
11 Their godparents (for each a godmother or godfather, or both) accompany the candidates on the day of election, at the celebration of the sacraments of initiation, and during the period of mystagogy. Godparents are persons chosen by the candidates on the basis of example, good qualities, and friendship,** delegated by the local Christian community, and approved by the priest.** It is the responsibility of godparents to show the candidates how to practise the Gospel in personal and social life, to sustain the candidates in moments of hesitancy and anxiety, to bear witness, and to guide the candidates’ progress in the baptismal life. Chosen before the candidates’ election, godparents fulfil this office publicly from the day of the rite of election, when they give testimony to the community about the candidates. They continue to be important during the time after reception of the sacraments when the neophytes need to be assisted so that they remain true to their baptismal promises.”

The adult being baptised has a say in choosing their godparents, but this needs to be approved by the priest. Also the sponsors “are persons who have known and assisted the candidates and stand as witnesses to the candidates’ moral character, faith, and intention.” It is reasonable for a parish priest to decide that a boyfriend is not a suitable person for either role.
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IMO only if he does not qualify in some respect. He cannot simply say I don’t like the way you look or the shoes you wear, you can’t be her Sponsor.
 
I was my husband’s sponsor. We both would have been offended if he had been told to pick someone else. I also sponsored my best friend. My sponsor was someone I barely knew and never kept in contact with. Given the choice, I would pick “close personal relationship” over “devout but distant” any day! It makes a special occasion even more special.

Your director’s heart was probably in the right place. Try not to condemn her for it. Talk to her. Ask her how she can help repair the damage that was done. Tell her that you would prefer to have both your chosen and your assigned sponsor share this moment with you. She can make that happen. If not, then you prefer to have your b/f stand up with you. If she refuses both solutions and insists that you have to continue with the assigned sponsor, take it directly to the priest.

If you do have to make the second choice, be sure to include your assigned sponsor as much as you have the ability to. I would recommend a card, an appropriate gift or flowers and perhaps a nice breakfast after Mass one day. Keep in touch with her and let her know that you appreciate the support and knowledge that she shared with you.

Under no circumstances should you have to start all over. You have fulfilled your obligation. This moment is yours. May your love of Christ and His Church never cease to grow. 🙂
 
I went through RCIA and was then on the RCIA team for 10 years.

We encouraged those who came in a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend situation to choose another sponsor (but, it wasn’t required).

Here’s why: *some *people go to RCIA to convert under pressure from their spouse or S.O. They do not feel free to ask questions of their S.O. Others, while not under pressure, are not comfortable asking “stupid questions” to their S.O.

And, in the case of a lot of engaged couples who are coming to RCIA where one is nominally Catholic and the other is converting (both to please parents and marry in the Church)-- well, the Catholic really isn’t an ideal sponsor because they don’t know much themselves.

Case and point: See Psalm45:9’s post on this same board about a clueless Catholic whose finace is in RCIA. This Catholic is so nominal that she does not even know th Doctrine of the Real Presence. Not sponsor material, IMHO.

Soooo… after many, many years experience with RCIA I can definitely see why it would be suggested. However, if it was framed as a requirement-- that was wrong.

A person may have two sponsors, one male and one female. So, why not have both of them stand up with you?
 
the sponsor during the RCIA process, the catechumenate period up to but not including the Rite of Election (beginning of Lent) is usually someone assigned by the Parish, because their role is help integrate you into parish life, and to model Christian living. Here we are strongly urged not to have they boyfriend or fiance be the sponsor because of the situations that tend to develop:
they break up
one person is experience a strong spiritual growth which challenges the other person, who resists the change
they start cohabiting which of course immediately places the catechumen in a state where they are already embarking on mortal sin
they marry outside the Church
the family of either is a negative influence on the growth of the catechumen because of issues surrounding the marriage preparation

I realize in other areas no such ban is in place, but that is the result of our experience. We have tolerated it at times, because of the notorious inability to recruit parishioners as sponsors (why, IMO we have so few adult converts here) and when the boyfriend etc. is already a strong Catholic and active parishioner.

The Godparent for baptism or the Confirmation sponsor who will be the official witness at the Easter vigil sacraments is another person, usually chosen by the catechumen or her family, but the pastor can appoint someone if the catechumen has no one close to her. That person could certainly be a husband, fiance, sister etc. (but not a parent), they must be an adult Catholic, fully initiated, practicing the faith including adherence to Church teaching on marriage.

Ideally the candidate or catechumen will be surrounded by a whole network of sponsors, hopefully among their friends and family, certainly among the parishioners, so having one person as the sponsor who shares breaking open the word does not exclude the participation of others in assisting you on your journey. In fact we invite and strongly encourage the Catholic spouse or fiance to participate with their candidate, because they usually admit they would like to both get more deeply into the scripture, but to learn more about the doctrine, so they can share the growth.

OP’s situation is not either/or, certainly a person important to her, especially one who has been instrumental in her call to the faith, should be a part of the process, but the parish has its responsibility as well to make sure you are not isolated from parish life and have someone that represents the parish as a companion at this time. That lady who has been your sponsor up until now volunteered, because she was called upon, because she saw the value of her ministry, and has given up every Sunday morning of the year to be with you. Please do acknowledge her good intentions and her contribution. You are joining a community as well as making a personal, individual choice.

OP should certainly ask her boyfriend, if he qualifies otherwise, to be her confirmation sponsor or godparent at Easter, since her original sponsor’s job is about over in any case.
 
puzzleannie said:
the sponsor during the RCIA process, the catechumenate period up to but not including the Rite of Election (beginning of Lent) is usually someone assigned by the Parish, because their role is help integrate you into parish life, and to model Christian living. Here we are strongly urged not to have they boyfriend or fiance be the sponsor because of the situations that tend to develop:
they break up
one person is experience a strong spiritual growth which challenges the other person, who resists the change
they start cohabiting which of course immediately places the catechumen in a state where they are already embarking on mortal sin
they marry outside the Church
the family of either is a negative influence on the growth of the catechumen because of issues surrounding the marriage preparation

I realize in other areas no such ban is in place, but that is the result of our experience. We have tolerated it at times, because of the notorious inability to recruit parishioners as sponsors (why, IMO we have so few adult converts here) and when the boyfriend etc. is already a strong Catholic and active parishioner.

The Godparent for baptism or the Confirmation sponsor who will be the official witness at the Easter vigil sacraments is another person, usually chosen by the catechumen or her family, but the pastor can appoint someone if the catechumen has no one close to her. That person could certainly be a husband, fiance, sister etc. (but not a parent), they must be an adult Catholic, fully initiated, practicing the faith including adherence to Church teaching on marriage.

Ideally the candidate or catechumen will be surrounded by a whole network of sponsors, hopefully among their friends and family, certainly among the parishioners, so having one person as the sponsor who shares breaking open the word does not exclude the participation of others in assisting you on your journey. In fact we invite and strongly encourage the Catholic spouse or fiance to participate with their candidate, because they usually admit they would like to both get more deeply into the scripture, but to learn more about the doctrine, so they can share the growth.

OP’s situation is not either/or, certainly a person important to her, especially one who has been instrumental in her call to the faith, should be a part of the process, but the parish has its responsibility as well to make sure you are not isolated from parish life and have someone that represents the parish as a companion at this time. That lady who has been your sponsor up until now volunteered, because she was called upon, because she saw the value of her ministry, and has given up every Sunday morning of the year to be with you. Please do acknowledge her good intentions and her contribution. You are joining a community as well as making a personal, individual choice.

OP should certainly ask her boyfriend, if he qualifies otherwise, to be her confirmation sponsor or godparent at Easter, since her original sponsor’s job is about over in any case.
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I do not know of any “ban” of prohibition in the Rite or Canon Law for someone who in all others ways is qualified. I do understand the possible problems, concerns, Etc. I might even agree that it might be recomended in some instances that the Catechumen or Candidate consider someone else. The only prohibition that I’m aware of is that a parent cannot be the Sponsor of their own child, they may be of their Grandchild however.
 
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