Is it wrong to not want to be friendly with ex?

[Consoler]

Here’s the situation. My husband is leaving me. He cheated on me and after that he refused to be reconciled no matter what I did. There are no kids involved. Well, I told him that I would be willing to try to be friendly with him as we go through this divorce and annulment and even after that. But, about a week ago I told him that I could no longer be friendly with him. I told him I would remain civil to the best of my ability. See, we were being friendly, sort of, but he acted very weird toward me as if he didn’t want to talk to me. He even told me he didn’t want to be friendly at one point but then said he didn’t mean it.

So, after that I was again trying to be friendly. He said he missed us being together and so I thought that’s what made him act strange when he was around me. So, I was trying to get him to open up about it and maybe we could be reconciled. He wouldn’t talk to me about it and said he would call me later. Well, he called me to say the reason he was acting weird around me was that he was spending every night at his girlfriend’s house. Well, I just lost it at that point. It felt like he told me was cheating on me all over again.

So, I told him, I couldn’t be friendly with him anymore because all he ever does is act like this toward me and hurt me. He said ok. I mean, I really think this is better. But, I feel like it might be wrong because Jesus said that if we have anything against each other we’re supposed to try to be reconciled. I’ve been trying to reconcile and be friendly. Shouldn’t I try more though? Doesn’t Jesus say we should forgive over and over? He did say he was sorry. But what he said is so painful I can’t even describe it. I don’t know how much more of that I could take.

What should I do? Should I be ok with staying away from him? Should I try to reconcile at least as friends since he said he was sorry? He is still cheating on me and making me get a divorce and he is not repenting of that? It’s so confusing to me. I would appreciate some help.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Whatever your husband did to hurt you needs to be forgiven in your heart. But you do NOT need to reconcile and be friendly with him. If anything, that would be a totally unhealthy friendship.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Whatever your husband did to hurt you needs to be forgiven in your heart. But you do NOT need to reconcile and be friendly with him. If anything, that would be a totally unhealthy friendship.

I agree.

To the OP, I suggest that you think what advice you would give to a friend who came to you with exactly the same scenario.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. hang in there. :hug1:

I can’t imagine being friendly if I were you. He probably wants to feel good about what he has done, and you being friendly would make that possible. Don’t let him manipulate you. You need to heal from this and move on.

 

[Michael_Allen]

Agree with all the above. You can be civil and accepting, but I can’t see how there can be genuine friendship here.

God bless you as you go through this trial.

 

[Consoler]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I just wish we could be reconciled so much that I’m trying to do anything, even just be friendly, even if it hurts. But…I guess that isn’t the prudent or wise thing to do. I think you all are right. Thanks.

 

[Melissa]

Yes, it isn’t particularly prudent or wise at the moment to be friendly. Civil, that’s fine.

It’s definitely a manipulation trick as far as his behavior toward you, and if you are in the midst of the actual divorce, it would be better to make all conversation be between the attorneys. (i.e. “Why don’t you call my attorney about that?”). You simply need, at that point, to be protective of yourself, your health, and your rights.

I, myself, went through a horrific divorce (on a scale where 1 is the sort of legendary amicable divorce where the parties even share an attorney and 10 is “War of the Roses”, mine was about a 15 and the end result was that he became a convicted felon because of what he was doing toward me and I now have a full stay away order of protection valid until 2019 which was the longest NYS allowed). He had been emotionally and verbally abusive during the marriage, cheated on me more than once, and firmly believed that if he just talked to me privately, that I would take him back, even though the circumstances were such that everyone, including my pastor at the time [that pastor has since died and we moved], agreed that divorce was appropriate to protect myself and the children (in my case, there are four) from harm. Unfortunately, as a result, I am very aware of how the system works, and his manipulations–if the divorce isn’t settled yet–could well be a means of trying to get you to give up more than you should.

Pray for him daily. Be civil and coolly polite in public. Take care of yourself.

 

[Chantal25]

What should I do? Should I be ok with staying away from him?

I would move on, he seems to enjoy being the center of the attention and being desired by more then one women. I am so sorry but you need to let go especially if you have no children involved, you are so lucky. If you would have children, it would be far more complex.

You aren’t married Catholic, are you? If not, just move on, if you are, you can seek for a marriage annulment due to the affair.

Blessings and love!

 

[Kensho]

Please read the instructions in the New Testament for dealing with an unrepentant sinner. If you try to be friends with him in the midst of this terrible sin he is committing against God, you, the other woman and his own body, you would only be confirming him in the sin. For his sake and your own, remove yourself from all unnecessary communication and treat him as impersonally as you can, no matter how the pain in your heart is raging.