Is it wrong to "push" a family member to confession?

[thankyoufather]

I am going to see my mother-in-law in a week. For the past year, she has told my wife and I that wants to go to confession but always has an excuse to why she doesn’t go. It’s been many years since she confessed and in my opinion, I think she is scared or worried that her sins are too much for God to forgive. Does a person sometimes need “a hard nudge” to get into the cofessional booth? Or are we to be neutral and hope that it happens by itself? How far should another help in that process?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am going to see my mother-in-law in a week. For the past year, she has told my wife and I that wants to go to confession but always has an excuse to why she doesn’t go. It’s been many years since she confessed and in my opinion, I think she is scared or worried that her sins are too much for God to forgive. Does a person sometimes need “a hard nudge” to get into the cofessional booth? Or are we to be neutral and hope that it happens by itself? How far should another help in that process?

I think it is the utmost in charity to remind a Catholic that confession is not optional, it is mandatory. You could be earnest with your MIL, or you could josh with her a bit. Only you know the type of relationship you have with her. You could just say, “Mom (or whatever you call her) you know you have been telling us that you want to go to confession, but it seems that when the time comes, you always have an excuse. Would you like to go with us?” Or something like that. Or, you could say, “Hey MIL, want to play poker?” She says, “No, why?” and you say, “Well, you are gambling with your soul by not confessing, so I thought maybe…”

I think you should respond especially if she keeps bringing it up. You can’t force someone to go to confession but you can respond to her expressing a desire to go. She may not mean it at all but why not approach it as if she does?

 

[Inquiringperson]

I think it is the utmost in charity to remind a Catholic that confession is not optional, it is mandatory. You could be earnest with your MIL, or you could josh with her a bit. Only you know the type of relationship you have with her. You could just say, “Mom (or whatever you call her) you know you have been telling us that you want to go to confession, but it seems that when the time comes, you always have an excuse. Would you like to go with us?” Or something like that. Or, you could say, “Hey MIL, want to play poker?” She says, “No, why?” and you say, “Well, you are gambling with your soul by not confessing, so I thought maybe…”

I think you should respond especially if she keeps bringing it up. You can’t force someone to go to confession but you can respond to her expressing a desire to go. She may not mean it at all but why not approach it as if she does?

Can’t you force your kid to confession? I thought every kid needs to have their first confession before first communion.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Can’t you force your kid to confession? I thought every kid needs to have their first confession before first communion.

That’s not a parent forcing the child, it’s a requirement of the Church in order to receive the sacrament (some areas don’t do this though). You can encourage and teach the child that confession is a grace-filled sacrament and nothing to be afraid of, but no, you cannot force them to go to confession. Hopefully they will understand and cooperate.

 

[cmscms]

I think it is wrong to push someone to confession. If it is not from the person’s heart and the priest knows it, he probably would not give absolution anyway.

Now, if you think your MIL is scared of being judged, you can give her the truth. Priest are trained to not judge, unfortunately, there was a Judas among the 12 apostles and they probably are some priest out there that will make you feel bad. I usualy go see Father Smith because I am comfortable with him. However, God is good and just because the priest may be a jerk, it does not change the graces you receive after you have absolution’. And then go on to tell her about the graces and how it gets easier to confess over time

However, if your MIL keeps harping about how she wants to go but does nothing about it, I think it is time to set some boundaries. MIL, I have told you how I felt, you don’t seem to care about my opinion so I no longer wish to discuss this.

To be honest, the way you describe her, I wonder if she is really scared or just attention seeking

CM

 

[JimG]

Offer to take her. Or, if she would rather have an appointment, offer to help her make the appointment. Don’t make it seem like a huge deal; that will just make it seem more impossible to her.

(When I was in grade school and high school, our entire family drove to the parish church every Saturday morning for confessions! No one of us ever thought to say, ‘um, not this week’, any more than we would have declined going to Mass on Sunday with the family. I guess it wasn’t forcing kids to go to confession; it was just meeting expectations!)

 

[Aggies08]

I would offer to take her, and let her know you have an examination she can borrow prior to going.

I would then respect her decision, but always be sure to offer when in town.

 

[mrs_katekista]

Can you make plans to go to confession for yourself during the time that she’s in town and then ask her if she’d like to go with you?

Give her as much material you can provide to help her feel less nervous about it beforehand. I think it’s good that she’s been thinking about it.

I do have to give my husband and 11 yo daughter a nodge when it’s time to go to confession. I actually go more often than them but there are times when we go as a family. I usually let them know when we are all going to confession. I’m glad nobody has dared to say no. I guess they understand what I’m trying to do.

Prayers for your family, especially for your MIL!

Hope this helps! Peace and all good.

 

[MissRose73]

If everyone goes as a family in the car to church then lines up together inside church to confess, then it is not pushing in my opinion especially if everyone goes once a month together as a family unit then confess individually. Parents set the example, kids follow and are more likely to go without issues.

My mother recalls growing pre Vatican II where there was a lot of emphasis on going to Confession and many people lined up on Saturdays mainly as there was not Saturday evening Mass to fulfill Sunday obligation in those days. She also recalls her mother telling her and her older sister as kids: “You’ve been bad enough, time to go to Confession”. Keep in mind, her mother also was a convert to the faith when she got married so it is obvious her mother took her faith seriously.

It would be nice for people to go more often to receive the sacrament as there are times there under a dozen waiting at times to confess. I just wish there was a weekday evening time once in a while available as I prefer to walk in and stand in line, not make an appointment due to my work schedule.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I think a nudge in the right direction is a good thing. I kept mentioning it to my mother for several years every Christmas and Easter. She refused, said she wasn’t ready. So I nagged some more, in a nice way of course.
And then she went one year. I almost fainted when she told me. Best Chrsitmas gift ever.

You could bring it up on occasion and pray for this intention. This way she won’t be able to ‘forget’ about it.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I’m not sure that a hard nudge would be good. Confession is supposed to come from the heart, and if we go and we are not really sorry for the sins, then that is yucky. Yet that being said, one is allowed to make confessions that are less than perfect. Fear of God is good as its a testament to believing that HE IS and that we wronged Him, that our sins are wrong.

I wonder if your mother-in-law is rather needing to know that its ok to go to confession, that Jesus wants this of her. Meaning, if she is afraid that her sins are too much, then I think she needs to be reminded of the right way to go about all of it is. I think rather than nudging and pushing, it would best bring up topics about the Lord that show his mercy. If she hears about these events, she may want to leap into a confessional and not even need be nudged.

You might want to bring up the whole story of the devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus? Just a suggestion.

We shouldn’t force anyone to do anything spiritually related. You can’t do that. You will create something awful if you try. (Ever hear about cognitive dissonance? Awful stuff! And no one likes a fake. It does no good.) She should go when she is ready to, but you are right, she should be conversed with. You can inspire her. I think that’s what I’m trying to suggest. The Gospel of the Lord inspires. The saints of God inspire. I think that’s just about all you can do. … to let people know, let them have heard about The Good News and believe it ourselves.

By making a big ordeal about it by offering to take her, you might actually be frightening her away. I’d maybe say casually ask her if she wants to go, and if not, then let it be. Let her decide. She needs that.

 

[KCT]

I would offer to take her, and let her know you have an examination she can borrow prior to going.

I would then respect her decision, but always be sure to offer when in town.

Totally agree. Set an example and let the Holy Spirit do the rest.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Offer to take her. Or, if she would rather have an appointment, offer to help her make the appointment. Don’t make it seem like a huge deal; that will just make it seem more impossible to her.

(When I was in grade school and high school, our entire family drove to the parish church every Saturday morning for confessions! No one of us ever thought to say, ‘um, not this week’, any more than we would have declined going to Mass on Sunday with the family. I guess it wasn’t forcing kids to go to confession; it was just meeting expectations!)

My sister and I were expected to go to confession every week. Most of the time we would “make up” our sins on the walk over to church - we couldn’t really remember much of what we had done wrong, and all of them were venial anyway, but we felt guilty enough so we’d decide, “I’ll tell the priest I sassed Mom, and you say you lied.”

 

[JimG]

My sister and I were expected to go to confession every week. Most of the time we would “make up” our sins on the walk over to church - we couldn’t really remember much of what we had done wrong, and all of them were venial anyway, but we felt guilty enough so we’d decide, “I’ll tell the priest I sassed Mom, and you say you lied.”

That reminds me of a story my mother used to tell about her own childhood. She was a listmaker and would take a “list” of sins to be confessed, so did many other kids. Once she forgot her list, and so borrowed the list of a girl behind her in line.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That reminds me of a story my mother used to tell about her own childhood. She was a listmaker and would take a “list” of sins to be confessed, so did many other kids. Once she forgot her list, and so borrowed the list of a girl behind her in line.

I am sure the priest was smiling as he heard the exact same confession from 2 different little girls!



I think hearing childrens’ confessions must be enchanting.

 

[Delaine75]

What about going to confession as a family, including your mother-in-law? I have several friends who make weekly confession a family thing and then they’ll all go out to dinner afterward. They definitely make it something special. Confessing our sins is a difficult thing (REALLY difficult for some people if they’ve gone a long time without confession), so rather than a “hard nudge”, I would suggest compassion and realizing that sometimes the first step is the hardest one. Suggesting that you all go to confession together may help persuade her to go!