Is it wrong to use my future husband, rather than God, as a motivator to be holy? - Struggle with Purity

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mywordshalom

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The past few years, I feel myself distancing from God. Among other things, it’s mainly my struggle with porn and masturbation that I regrettably came across 3 years ago. Broke it for about a year in between and got back in the habit. I’d get dreams monthly which ultimately made me relapse to make it stop.
Been at another go of ridding the habit it the past few weeks, and now as I get more determined they [the ‘wet dreams’ as I believe they are called] come back.

However the other night I was given a dream. Random, strange beginning but ultimately a touching message. I was being chased by some evil and I would be running and teleporting to escape. This evil thing had a younger ‘partner’ that was also chasing me, but he was much faster. Eventually this younger partner caught up with me, and touched me but didn’t harm me. I looked into his eyes and felt this instant sense of security. He grabbed my hand and I knew he’d be there for me to protect me. I woke up immediately and knew it was my future husband.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it last night, crying. Maybe I’m just interpreting it strangely, but thinking on it it seems to be dealing a lot with my struggle of distancing myself from God. The logical side of me wants to say this was just typical dreaming, bringing elements of my day into sleep.

But I’ve had a dream before where I was with my future husband. It was at the start of the last time I broke the habit. I was tired of being dragged into sin again and again. Events surround this time, I had a broken heart from a friend that I had unknowingly liked since kindergarten. (Long story short, it seemed like he was interested in me but turns out he wasn’t. ) Battling with this and sin was too much and I couldn’t handle both. One night I had a dream of myself in the future on the front porch of my house with this guy, talking about this. He told me I needed to wait., and I looked into his eyes- same ones I dreamed the other night.

Holding onto that dream helped me significantly to overcoming the addiction.

The dream the other night almost brought me to Confession, as I get real anxious over it, but I remembered the feeling of holding his hand in that dream and I imagined him being with me as I make my way to the confessional (did not end up going however, but I really wanted to/felt more comfort).

Lately I’ve been praying a little more than I’ve been; praying for him, praying for myself. I desperately want to get closer to God, but my motivation for this isn’t for Him, but for my future husband. I wish it weren’t so, but I am still having a tough time connecting to God right now.

I’m hoping this dream means I am also making a step towards purity, like last time. I find myself missing him (future husband) so much, and I just want to see him again. Those two moments were the most touching I’ve ever felt.
 
[Ran out of space]

Part of this post was to just put this all out there, so I don’t forget/get your interpretations. But my main reason for putting this on here is because I’m concerned of my motivation. Is it wrong to be wanting all this change, with my motivator being my future husband and not God? I hope eventually it becomes that, but I am just having a hard time getting there. i feel what I need right now is someone tangible (not that God isn’t), some person that I am missing from my life. I want to be holy for God ultimately, but I fear it’s more fro my husband more than Him.
 
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Hello,

These are my thoughts on your concerns.

First, praise be to God that He is constantly calling you back to Him, and He is inviting you to a deeper communion with Him through different means such as your dreams.

Second, I don’t think it is wrong to be motivated to be pure for your future husband. Have you heard of Crystalina Evert. During the time she was having these issues on purity, she started writing notes/letters for her future husband. However, this should be done with the primary intention of honoring God through your body, and seeking to understand better the beauty of one’s sexuality. I would recommend this video for you which you can search in YouTube: Crystalina Evert Testimony.

Third, to help you in your struggle for purity, I suggest that you also have a greater devotion to Our Blessed Mother and St. Joseph. If you can pray the rosary every day, that would be better. Attending weekday masses also helps in receiving more graces. And weekly confession whether you have grave sins or none can help a lot in strengthening your will to resist temptations.

Thanks for being brave in sharing your story. I shall be praying for you every day, especially at the Holy Mass.

God bless!
 
“mywordshalom said:
[Ran out of space]
Part of this post was to just put this all out there, so I don’t forget/get your interpretations. But my main reason for putting this on here is because I’m concerned of my motivation. Is it wrong to be wanting all this change, with my motivator being my future husband and not God? I hope eventually it becomes that, but I am just having a hard time getting there. i feel what I need right now is someone tangible (not that God isn’t), some person that I am missing from my life. I want to be holy for God ultimately, but I fear it’s more fro my husband more than Him.
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One main way that we relate to God is through other people. We can all play godly roles in others lives.
 
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To answer the initial question: "is-it-wrong-to-use-my-future-husband-rather-than-god-as-a-motivator-to-be-holy-struggle-with-purity? Use both- husband as a motivator on many fronts, and God for what is Holy. Take it all to the altar of God, offer it up in prayer (including sexuality) and know that God loves you both. Duobtless many on this tsite will tell you how far more complicated things are and some maybe “spiritually voyeuristic” trying to find out more details. This is something you can sort out by spending more time with your spouse in prayer and in intimate moments.
 
The friend of the enemy, even if he seemed comforting, I would not trust. I think you are looking at reflections not reality, if dreams have a meaning that we are allowed to interpret. The enemy can send us feelings of comfort too, even if they are fake.
Holy Fathers of the Church say we should not live our lives according to dreams because they are easily a form of deceit for us.
Keep your chastity if unmarried because it’s the right thing to do but don’t invest in a dream husband.
You are in my prayers may our Lord Jesus Christ illumine and comfort you.
 
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