Is living vicariously through your child bad?

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How can someone give guidance to their children including tips for occupations while not living vicariously through them?.Why would living vicariously through your child bad?.

_ b/c Gosh,do I feel tempted to do that–22 yr old dude who had bad experience in school and got “dashed dreams”
 
It would be bad because your child’s life is your own, given to him by God for his own purpose, not his parents’.
 
If one tries to relive life via his children, one crowds out their chance to have their own life.

ICXC NIKA
 
sidetrack said:
How can someone give guidance to their children including tips for occupations while not living vicariously through them?.Why would living vicariously through your child bad?.

_ b/c Gosh,do I feel tempted to do that–22 yr old dude who had bad experience in school and got “dashed dreams”
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Suppose you were unsettled by the sight of blood and your child wanted to be a surgeon. You always hoped to be a professional baseball player.

Instead of advising your child to study hard in school and take certain classes should you encourage him to be a pitcher and make the big league, because you did not and if he does you would fulfill your dreams?
 
Because you should have your own life…interests, activities,etc. Guidance is fine, but living vicariously is unfair to both of you. It also put undue pressure on the child .
 
Just realistically, all parents live a little vicariously through their kids—it goes with the territory. If you really admired or enjoyed something as a kid–particularly if you didn’t get to do it, it’s only natural to feel really good if your kid achieves a goal in that area. I had 3 boys and 2 girls. My husband always wanted to play football in high school—and he was reasonably good–but his family wasn’t wealthy and so he had to get a job if he wanted money for cool clothes and to date girls. Thus he couldn’t practice after school and dropped out of football after junior high. He paid our boys an allowance if they chose to play sports–which they all did and loved-- so they wouldn’t have to make the choice he had. Our oldest girl was a cheerleader in a big, enormous Texas 5A school in the Houston area through high school and then went on to be a college level cheerleader and earned a college scholarship that way which paid for her entire college—plus she got to travel with the boys’ teams all over the USA to games for all her college years. That beat any sorority my friends’ girls joined by about 10,000 brownie points if I do say so myself–and I was then and am now very proud of her! When I’d see her at a game in her cute uniforms, on the field or even just a shot on TV, my heart just swelled with pride! The catch is to remember it IS their life–not yours. My daughter is incredibly smart and I always wanted her to become a doctor or lawyer or such. I’m a nurse practitioner. My daughter opened a gym that teaches competitive cheer and gymnastics. She’s very happy and fulfilled. She took her own path not mine—and I’m still immensely proud of her–as is my husband with our boys!👍
 
My Mom did it to me my whole life. (I’m 28 now). I have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety for the last 13 years. It took 4 and a half years of regular therapy sessions for me to get my head back in working order again.
 
Aside from what everybody has mentioned (which is very true), I have to mention that our kids do resemble us, so that if you struggled with something, it’s not unlikely you will have kids who also struggle with it.

So, you have to be prepared to relive some of your worst moments while watching your child struggle in certain areas. It’s potentially 2X the pain, because you get to see your child suffer, while also remembering yourself suffering as a child (when everything seems BIGGER).
 
I think there are two sides to this here, as I’ll illustrate below.

On the one hand, a parent can encourage a child to consider something that the parent enjoyed. For example, I suggested to DH and his ex that we enroll DSD in a girls’ program that I had enjoyed as a child. She’s been a member for 3 years now and loves it. However, if she decided that she wanted to drop out, that would be her decision. I’d also like to teach her to play the piano, simply because I play (so we can save on lessons) and because I think it’s important that she have some instruction in music. Again, though, if she decided this isn’t something she wants to pursue as an adult, that would be okay. I don’t see this “living vicariously” as being a problem - you’re merely “encouraging” your child to try something that you enjoyed.

The flip side of this is telling a child that he/she HAS to do something because the parent wanted to or because it was what the parent did in the past. I’m a nurse, for example, It would be awesome if DSD decided that she wanted to be a nurse, too, or to do some work in the medical and allied health community. (Allied health is everything related to health care that isn’t medicine or nursing directly - for example, physical and occupational therapy, social work, dietetics, etc.) But I’m not going to force her into doing that. She said to me once, “Mom, do you and Daddy have a particular career you want me to choose?” I said, “No. The only career we want you to choose is the one that God calls you to do. The only thing we want you to do is to listen to and follow the Will of God for your life.” I suspect that she may end up in some kind of “helping” profession (she’s talking right now about teaching, for example) but that’s only because I think it would be well-suited to her personality. However, if she decided that she wanted to do, say, heavy mechanics or industrial engineering, I wouldn’t tell her that she can’t.
 
sidetrack said:
How can someone give guidance to their children including tips for occupations while not living vicariously through them?.Why would living vicariously through your child bad?.

_ b/c Gosh,do I feel tempted to do that–22 yr old dude who had bad experience in school and got “dashed dreams”
Click to expand...
Because then you aren’t living your own life authentically. If you want to make different decisions in life, then do it. Don’t force your kids to live out your decisions.
 
sidetrack said:
Why would living vicariously through your child bad?.
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Because chances are it will make your child resent you and potentially have an extreme dislike of you. Not to mention, it will negatively impact your child’s decision making ability if they can not make their own choices and learn from the consequences
 
His_Helpmeet said:

“On the one hand, a parent can encourage a child to consider something that the parent enjoyed.”

Yes.

“The flip side of this is telling a child that he/she HAS to do something because the parent wanted to or because it was what the parent did in the past.”

But I think it’s OK to make a child give something a reasonable try.

When my daughter was 7 or so, she didn’t want to start therapeutic horse riding, but we insisted and she has gotten really into it (horse bedspread, horse decals on the wall, a dozen or so stuffed horses, and innumerable horse paintings).

I loved horses as a child and that did factor into my insisting that she try riding, but I didn’t feel like she needed to live out her life for me. But my life experience has given me ideas for things she might enjoy.
 
We enjoy our kids, their likes, dislikes, habits and hobbies. They’re all different than we were, despite all having similarities, and it’s a lot more fun seeing them do their own thing than trying to force them to redo what we wish we’d done growing up. That’s not to say I don’t share my interests with them. I let them hear the music I like, see the movies that I liked when I was their age, etc. However, I don’t tell them they have to watch nothing but John Hughes movies and keep their radios tuned to the 80s station.

I do know some parents who live vicariously through their kids and it bothers me greatly. I’m not saying that all parents with kids in sports do this, but the worst ones we know are the ones who try to relive their glory days through their kids’ athletic achievements. One little boy I know got his mother’s athletic genes and will never be the multi-sport star his dad always wished he’d been. That doesn’t stop him from forcing him onto every team at his school, waking him up at 5:00 on the weekends to train, and screaming at every other parent on the field/court incessantly. Still, that’s not as creepy as the moms we know who tote around their little clones. We know several who always buy matching outfits so they can coordinate their daughters to look like them. They have the same hairdos and glasses, wear the same makeup, watch the same tween TV shows and listen to the same tween music. They instruct their daughters on who to be friends with, and the worst of the bunch constantly fight their daughters battles for them. I think living vicariously through your children is bad when it’s at its best, and horrifying when it’s at its worst.
 
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