Is Marriage without Love Possible?

[EasterJoy]

^This.

I know that people’s feelings change, but without the strong bond from the beginning, I can’t imagine what would really hold a couple truly together.

Seems to me that marital love that lasts has the roots of something truly special and unique from all others that keep the tree growing even if its chopped up, pruned back, or looses limbs. It can grow back as long as its got roots that are alive and have access to the food it needs to grow.

I think most married people would say that natural affection both softens many of the trials brought on by human frailty and (more to the point) brightens their relationship with their spouse beyond measure.

A married couple do not have to share a fiery passion in order to have a deeply meaningful marriage. Some of us don’t do “fiery,” whether in passion, anger, or anything else, unless we’re really at the end of our ropes. Most of us, however, are capable of a deep and abiding affection that goes far beyond the mathematics of quid pro quo.

So yes, it is possible to have a strong marriage without passion, but it is a hard road to live a marriage without at least a strong affection. If the person you consider marrying, stripped of title and material belongings, does not make you feel fortunate to simply be in their circle of trust and affection, I would not encourage the marriage. With sufficient self-mastery, you can make a marriage work by force of will, even a marriage lacking natural human attraction. Even non-Christians have managed this. I’d want more for two people I care about, though. In any event, I wouldn’t presume upon the graces of the sacrament to make up for lack of foresight between the spouses. The Holy Spirit can grant many things, I do not mean to imply that there are limits on that, but that is not how it usually works. More often, we get to live the life we choose and are not magically rescued from it.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

My take on this, is that successful marriage without “romantic” love is certainly possible, but that is not the same as a completely loveless marriage with no affection at all, I doubt such a marriage would be successful. Even in cultures that have a long tradition of arranged marriage, most matchmakers will pay attention to whether the couple is compatible long-term in terms of personality, not just wealth and status (though that is part of it too). Most in such marriages will state that the expectation is that the couple will grow to love each other in time as they face life’s challenges together.

Of course this is the ideal, unfortunately many RL arranged marriages are marred by abuse, adultery, etc. And yes, I know this abuse and adultery happen in “Love marriages” as well. Just wanted to point out that arranged marriage is no guarantee of success, I think there is some “grass is greener” syndrome among some CAFers here who think arranged marriage is some panacea that would eliminate divorce and broken families. Not quite.

 

[Rose71]

Just a thought…

In a largely secular society, many practicing Catholics who are in all respects absolutely fine marriage prospects, are single not exactly by choice, but as a result of choosing to live by the teaching of the Church. Realistically, a person who has a long-term and committed relationship which involves sleeping together is committing a mortal sin (I’m not disputing that) but they do perhaps have a more realistic view of relationships, because they actually have them!

In days gone by, when community life revolved more round the Church and the average age for marriage was much younger, I’m sure there weren’t the same number of ‘moral refugees’ i.e. adults who are not in any way ‘not the marrying kind’ but have had to choose between compromising their core beliefs or remaining single well into their 30s, 40s or longer (or forever)

This sort of life, I’m sure, leads people to conjure up unrealistic expectations of marriage and without an awful lot of self-awareness and self-discipline, it’s hard not to daydream and lose perspective: writing off perfectly lovely people because there is no ‘chemistry’ when the ‘chemistry’ they do experience with some members of the opposite sex is actually more of a sort of euphoric gambler’s high when a ‘prospective’ gets picked up on the radar.

I’m not bashing the teachings of the Church, but they work best when they all work together and are universally adopted by the community. ABC and a desire for a better material standard of living mean the social parameters that allowed young adults to meet others locally who shared their core values and marry young have been swept away.

Decades of cellibacy when you’re not made for the celibate life and there is no ‘secular’ explanation for your chosen behaviour can and does distort one’s sense of persective and can lead to depression and unrealistic expectations.