Is not wanting children wrong or is it sometimes god will for some people?

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LoveAndSparkles

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since i was 4, I remember knowing i didn’t want kids.It didn’t literally come as that since i was too young to fathom actually being a mom.I never played dolls the mom way.I played school or doctor. playing mom like my friends/kid’s in preschool did made me uneasy.This went on through my childhood with other things relating to parenthood.pregnant women made me feel strange and sorry for them. As i got older people said things like,“when i have kids”, etc especially in my pre-teens when people had fights with their parents and end up saying when i have kids i’m gonna/not gonna… I never said that to mine.it never bothered me until now in my young adult years as friends start to get married/have kids.at 12 I said i don’t want kids. adults in my life said “you’ll change your mind” or laugh and say “you’re gonna have a lot now, people who say they don’t want kids end up with tons"i felt upset but i said maybe they’re right because im young things COULD change I still went through highschool not wanting kids, I didn’t baby sit like girls i knew since i didn’t like being super responsible for kids.I like spending time/playing with kids, like my cousins or being a mentor to them but those were situations where they dont depend on me 100% When i turned 18 and went to college i grew a lot and by 20 i really felt it wasnt in God’s plan for me to be a mom.I started thinking about my future as I watched people start relationships and went towards my career.I knew i wanted to get married but I still didnt want kids. I feel like id be so unhappy with kids. I love kids but i don’t want any. My best friend has 2 sons that are 2 and 3 who im like an aunt to.I am one of the only people she trusts her kids with. I love to be with them, watch them and keep them. I love them lots but im relieved theyre not mine and im not having kids.over the summer I started the long journey to get my tubes tied so don’t have to worry about having kids at all as i’m very against abortion and want to just be safe and just not be able to create a new life. It isn’t a thing i need to happen ASAP since im a virgin waitinh till marriage and nowhere near it.Doctors laugh or scold me saying i don’t know what i want. but ive prayed on this since i was 18.The ill change my mind argument” doesn’t phase me because if i wanted kids I’d adopt.I’ve seen/known lots of kids that influenced my decision and I’ve felt so strongly about it. It would feel better to me to adopt a kid rather have my own.seems kinda selfish to me yet i’m told not having kids is selfish but I’m thinking more of the kid. I’m not a mom type and i feel like i wont be a suitable mom.I deal with mental health issues and its hard for me to take care of myself. I don’t want to mess up a beautiful kid’s life. in bible study I read Luke 23:28-31 Jesus says "the time is coming when people will say blessed are the women who couldn’t get pregnant, who couldn’t give birth… during his Crucifixion. Since ive been praying about not wanting children since i was 12, i feel like its God’s will that i saw this and Im supposed to use it as a message from him?personally im sure of my choice but i don’t want to displease God
 
Well, the question is how would you put that into practice?
If you’re not planning on taking a vow or something, but seemingly want to get married, that typically involves the sexual act. As I hope you know, contraception is not allowed in Catholicism and is viewed as immoral.
All sexual activity must be ordered to this end.

You must be open to life should it come. Important thing is to try to do God’s Will.
 
Are you aware that sterilizing yourself if a grave offense against the fifth commandment?

Also are you aware a permanent intention against children precludes marriage as your vocation?

It isn’t wrong to want or not want children. Not everyone wants to be a parent.

If it is a true position that you have, a permanent intention, it is an indicator your vocation lies elsewhere and you don’t have a vocation to marriag.

You indicate mental health issues, and that may be a reason to not seek out marriage and children. Yes, you may need to focus on yourself and keeping your mental health situation under control.

I presume you are Catholic so I encourage you to learn what the Church teaches about marriage. And encourage you to seek spiritual direction about your vocation and how to live your life in keeping with Church teaching if you really don’t ever want children.
 
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I’m not Catholic, so I’ll leave the moral implications of sterilization to others here.

The only thing I would say is I have a very strong hesitancy towards permanent bodily modifications. You are essentially depriving yourself of future choices by doing this.

I like to pride myself on making good decisions in general. But in the (exceedingly, astonishingly remote) chance I feel I’ve made a mistake and change my mind on something, I really like having options.

Tis a sinking feeling when you realize you’ve slotted yourself into a dead end after you’ve burnt all your bridges.
 
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I always tend to like complete and final decisions where the end it is end and theres nothing else to it. Permanent sterilization doesn’t feel it will deprive me of future choices because the only future choice it will decide is if i want to have a kid with me and my husband’s genetic material which is unnecessary to me. If i want a child i dont need it to be biologically mine. Ill just adopt. Plus the huge thing is I dont want kids anyway. I just tell people I’ll adopt if i want one so that people leave me alone about it. I dont ever want to be put in a position where an accidental pregnancy happens since im against abortion and i would feel guilty about giving the baby up for adoption and if i kept it, Id be not a good parent. Its just all stressful for me haha. I wanted to get opinions from other Catholics and/or christians though because im the only catholic in my family and I dont have many catholic friends. All of my friends religious or non religious say I make sense to them but I ultimately want to do whats right by God’s will. Thank you so so much for your reply! i really appreciate it
 
Well, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to not want children (in of itself). But it would be wrong to not want children if the motivation was selfish.

However, it is a grave sin to sterilize yourself to prevent biological children.

In regards to is it sometimes God’s will for some people not to have children: yes. But those people typically, are either naturally sterile, have great trouble conceiving, trouble bringing a pregnancy to term, join religious orders, are homosexual, etc.

I don’t think God typically wills for a healthy, married couple to not have children.

God Bless.
 
Hi, Thank you for your reply! 🙂 I was not aware that sterilization would be against the 5th commandment. If you don’t mind, can you explain this to me because it doesn’t seem to make much since to me as why.
As to being aware that not wanting children precludes marriage as my vocation…That stresses me out so much haha. Marriage is something I’ve been really really looking forward to. I have spent so much time preparing myself to be what i view as the perfect wife. I always think about having a man to be in love with and sharing my life, time and experiences with. There is so much I want to do with the man I marry. I wanted to be able to feel a physical love connection with a man and finally be able to have sex (Since i took a purity vow and am waiting until marriage. lol which has been so hard) Love and affection like that of a romatic relationship is just something I crave. I cant imagine being alone forever with my dogs and being a virgin forever and stuff.
I am catholic you are right, but more newly catholic. I am the only catholic in my family. My family is mostly made up of protestant christians (mostly baptist) and my father (and one of my uncles) is muslim. That is why i asked on this forum for some guidance.
I know men who dont want children either so i figured id end up marrying a man like that and we would be able to devote ourselves to eachother.
My mental health issues do pose a struggle for having kids as i dont want to pass it on to them and it makes me unable to fully care for a child like they deserve. I didnt think it would be an issue for a husband as much as it would be for a kid especially if we are in a loving relationship
 
well I planned on marrying a man who felt the same about kids as i do. I know a guy that i kinda have a thing with but we’re not actually dating or romantically involved but theres a connect there that we both feel. I would never want to marry a man who did want kids then tell him i dont want any and not give him that. I would feel so terrible.
I have known people who had kids just because they were married and didnt do the whole contraception thing then eneded up having kids because it just happened and they regret it and for some it ruined marriage or theyre just exhausted or unhappy or wishing things were different and are just toughing it out because they have to for the kid.
As a kid i often wished i wasnt born and that my parent aborted me or used a birth control method and i still struggle with that everyday but as i got older i realized that life is an amazing gift from god and im here because he wants me here. I truly believe that a child would be unhappy with me as a parent. I dont want to cause any sweet child any negative feelings or anything. I love kids theyre so beautiful and i dont want to negatively impact that.
My career also doesnt allow a lot of time for a kid and it would be me choosing my career or have kids. Im good at what I do and love what I do and I am only good at that so I feel thats my main purpose in life and need to continue with it as God has blessed me through it in so many ways its too many to count. Im not in an easy career field, it being th arts most people dont get far in it but the Lord blessed me in that and im doing so well in it and only going further.
Thanks so much for your reply i really really appreciate it and will be able to think more on it.
 
I think your feelings are completely normal. Many people want the companionship of marriage but don’t want children. I would encourage you to live responsibly. As I am not a catholic, I won’t give specific advice here. I don’t think you need it. It sounds like you have thought your situation through pretty well.
 
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There are several options for you. 1) You could wait until the end of your periods before marrying. 2) You could marry, but use Natural Family Planning. (There are many threads about that on CAF. Your mental health may be a compelling reason to postpone motherhood indefinitely.) If you got pregnant anyhow, you could give the baby up for adoption. 3) You could marry a man who is devoted to being celibate. 4) You could remain single but have a male friend who is unable to marry (has mental illness, is a divorced Catholic, or has a genetic disorder that children could likely get) and remain chaste with him.
 
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LoveAndSparkles said:
I deal with mental health issues and its hard for me to take care of myself.
Click to expand...
You’re telling us something here that is obviously a highly important factor in the equation, but at the same time you’re withholding the specifics. That makes it hard for us to know what to make of it.
 
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