Is Refusing to Lend a Car Selfish?

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In the past, I’ve been the kind of person who will give and give without realizing how it affects me until I reach the breaking point. I feel like I’ve gotten better about this, but still wonder if sometimes I give too much. For example, one of my friends struggles with financial and health problems. He recently needed a necessary operation but didn’t have the money needed to pay for it, so I lent him $4000. Though I have about 4 times this saved up, am debt-free and have no trouble paying my bills, it is about 10% of my yearly income, and it was a sacrifice. I don’t expect any of the money back for several years, if ever. He’s in so much debt, it’s hard imagining him ever being in a position to pay me back. By the way, I’m single, so this only affects me.
Anyway, I’ve done a lot for this friend over the years… watched his cat for free while he was on vacation, taken him to the ER, and fixed things around the house for him.
He doesn’t have a car and recently asked me through text if he could borrow my car while I’m at work to see a friend who lives about an hour away. I don’t know why, but my first reaction when he asked me was to say no. I thought about it for a day, but then realized that I had no good reason to refuse him, so I said yes.
But now I’m starting to wonder why I felt so strongly at first to say no. I wonder if maybe subconsciously I know that I’m doing too much for him and that this since this isn’t a necessity like money for surgery was, maybe I shouldn’t do it. But I want to help people in any way I can, and I don’t see any reason why I should refuse him my car for a day, when I won’t be needing it. The inconvenience to me is low. I mean, isn’t that what friends are for, to help each other? And didn’t Jesus tell his disciples to give freely? How do I determine when I’m doing too much for someone else? Is it even ok to refuse my friend something like this that requires little on my part?
 
I would never, under any circumstances, lend out a car. You could be responsible for your friend’s actions while driving the car.

In fact, we went to see Joyce Meyer talk last Friday night, and my wife brought a friend who offered to drive our car, because I worked the night before, and also had worked out during the day.

I politely declined. (My wife drove as she usually does.) No one, other than my wife and I, drives our cars – ever. If there was an exception to this, it would only be if the car owner had consumed alcohol, then someone who had agreed to be the designated driver might be allowed to drive. However, we don’t put ourselves in those kinds of situations as we usually agree who drives before we go out.

Thus, I suggest you find a reason to politely decline to lend your car.
 
Does your insurance cover her as a driver? If not, politely decline lending the car.
 
mariagoretti24 said:
In the past, I’ve been the kind of person who will give and give without realizing how it affects me until I reach the breaking point. I feel like I’ve gotten better about this, but still wonder if sometimes I give too much. For example, one of my friends struggles with financial and health problems. He recently needed a necessary operation but didn’t have the money needed to pay for it, so I lent him $4000. Though I have about 4 times this saved up, am debt-free and have no trouble paying my bills, it is about 10% of my yearly income, and it was a sacrifice. I don’t expect any of the money back for several years, if ever. He’s in so much debt, it’s hard imagining him ever being in a position to pay me back. By the way, I’m single, so this only affects me.
Anyway, I’ve done a lot for this friend over the years… watched his cat for free while he was on vacation, taken him to the ER, and fixed things around the house for him.
He doesn’t have a car and recently asked me through text if he could borrow my car while I’m at work to see a friend who lives about an hour away. I don’t know why, but my first reaction when he asked me was to say no. I thought about it for a day, but then realized that I had no good reason to refuse him, so I said yes.
But now I’m starting to wonder why I felt so strongly at first to say no. I wonder if maybe subconsciously I know that I’m doing too much for him and that this since this isn’t a necessity like money for surgery was, maybe I shouldn’t do it. But I want to help people in any way I can, and I don’t see any reason why I should refuse him my car for a day, when I won’t be needing it. The inconvenience to me is low. I mean, isn’t that what friends are for, to help each other? And didn’t Jesus tell his disciples to give freely? How do I determine when I’m doing too much for someone else? Is it even ok to refuse my friend something like this that requires little on my part?
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No do not ever lend your car out. We were in a situation like that and we had been lending to a friend. It started to get more than just once in a while. Then we talked to our insurance agent and she said if he crashed or killed someone it would be catastrophic for us. They would go after our insurance and us personally with him having no responsibility towards the accident. You can tell him you were wondering what the ramifications were and talked to your insurance agent and he/she said not to. As I tell my kids just pass the blame on me so you can pass the blame on the insurance agent and maybe he won’t have hard feelings.
 
You aren’t morally obligated to lend anyone your car. I’ve done it, but I always confirm that their insurance policy covers them completely if they are driving a car aside from their own. If your friend doesn’t have his own car - does he have car insurance?

As far as money goes, I never lend it. Either I give it as a gift or not at all. That way, I am never disappointed when it doesn’t come back, and it doesn’t cause problems within the relationship. If you are feeling used by this friend, then stop giving him things. Offer your prayers, lend an ear, spend time with him, invite him over for dinner - being supportive does not have to include an ongoing sacrifice on your part.
 
Most automobile policies DO cover another driver if they have a valid license and you gave them permission to use your vehicle. However, I would never lend my car to someone else unless it was AN EMERGENCY, not to visit a friend.

That being said, it sounds very clear that you have done a great deal for this man already. Just the fact that you are questioning you are doing to much is an indication that you DO believe you are doing too much for this man.

Sorry to hear about his illness and debt, but quite honestly it sounds like he’s found a “soft touch” who has trouble saying “No”. You need to set parameters and boundaries for your sake and his sake.

Remember, “No” is a perfectly acceptable answer, is a complete sentence, and does not require further explanation.
 
If a person struggles financially, they are going to struggle even more with more debt, which is why I agree with JackieMom about giving, not lending. If you aren’t in a position to give the money, you aren’t in a position to lend the money, either. Also, as Proverbs says, the borrower is slave to the lender. Unpaid loans have a tendency to poison relationships, no matter how kindly they were originally entered into. Forgive the loan and don’t do it again–the person you have described is no more capable of paying back $4,000 than of flying to Mars.

As to the future, I think you’ve reached the point where friendship turns into social work. My suggestion to you is that any further financial assistance to this person should come out of your charitable giving and you need to have a hard talk with yourself with regard to prioritizing your giving. Can you really justify giving $1,000 to this person instead of to AIDS orphans in Africa, especially if the $1,000 won’t improve their situation permanently? Think about it and adjust your contributions accordingly.

(I know a lot of people might raise an eyebrow at my budgeting technique of taking personal charitable gifts out of normal charitable giving, but I think it will help the OP put a ceiling on her giving to this individual. $4,000 is her tithe for the year.)
 
This person is using you. Wanting to use your car while you’re at work is a manipulation. Next it would be him driving you to work. Then you have to ask to borrow your own car. This man has a problem and he needs someone to tell him to stand on his own two feet.
 
mariagoretti24 said:
In the past, I’ve been the kind of person who will give and give without realizing how it affects me until I reach the breaking point. I feel like I’ve gotten better about this, but still wonder if sometimes I give too much. For example, one of my friends struggles with financial and health problems. He recently needed a necessary operation but didn’t have the money needed to pay for it, so I lent him $4000. Though I have about 4 times this saved up, am debt-free and have no trouble paying my bills, it is about 10% of my yearly income, and it was a sacrifice. I don’t expect any of the money back for several years, if ever. He’s in so much debt, it’s hard imagining him ever being in a position to pay me back. By the way, I’m single, so this only affects me.
Anyway, I’ve done a lot for this friend over the years… watched his cat for free while he was on vacation, taken him to the ER, and fixed things around the house for him.
He doesn’t have a car and recently asked me through text if he could borrow my car while I’m at work to see a friend who lives about an hour away. I don’t know why, but my first reaction when he asked me was to say no. I thought about it for a day, but then realized that I had no good reason to refuse him, so I said yes.
But now I’m starting to wonder why I felt so strongly at first to say no.** I wonder if maybe subconsciously I know that I’m doing too much for him and that this since this isn’t a necessity like money for surgery was, maybe I shouldn’t do it.** But I want to help people in any way I can, and I don’t see any reason why I should refuse him my car for a day, when I won’t be needing it. The inconvenience to me is low. I mean, isn’t that what friends are for, to help each other? And didn’t Jesus tell his disciples to give freely? How do I determine when I’m doing too much for someone else? Is it even ok to refuse my friend something like this that requires little on my part?
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Yes. Even the operation, if it was necessary, could have been financed by the hospital - you “lent” this person a heck of a lot of money, with no contract for repayment I take it?

Think of it this way. By continuing to provide financial support to this person, you are NOT helping him. You are actually getting in the way of him taking responsibility for himself. What would happen if he took your car, got drunk or high, and then hit and killed some other person? You are thinking only of the best case scenario - think of the worst-case and spend a few minutes dwelling on that.

You’ve made sacrifices for this friend - does anything come back to you for what you’ve done? I’m not saying that relationships have to be quid pro quo, but that if you are the one doing all of the sacrificing, the relationship is not between equals and you should look at that balance or lack of balance as well.

I would NOT give him any more money, even if you have it, and I would NOT loan him your car. You are not obligated to improve your friend’s situation even if you are secure. You are actually handicapping him by keeping him dependent upon you for help.
 
I hate to say “stop being so giving.” But it sounds to me like manipulation and all that. If you want to give, give to an agency that helps out those in most need instead of giving to just one person. Then if this person asks for your help, refer him/her to that agency. You aren’t obligated to support this person.
 
So the two of you own everything in common? Whatever he has, you could ask for it and he’d hand it over without a second thought? He makes personal sacrifices, too, because he wants very much to pay you back the amount he can as soon as he can? He often offers to help you out in whatever way he can, because he wants to show his gratitude, or he spends himself on tasks that you both consider important, so that his work on that and your help to him are a single work?

IOW, ask yourself what you would even consider asking from someone who was treating you as you are treating him. I think you’ll find that you would not dream of asking to borrow his car unless you simply had no other option.

I think you may need to have a “you know when you borrow stuff and I say it is nothing, that this is a convention of speech, right?” If he is really thick, it might get to: “You don’t literally think that it is nothing to just ask for whatever I have? Because quite frankly, I wouldn’t impose on my own mother as much as you’re feeling free to impose on me.”

People appreciate those who come to their aid when it is needed, but they come to despise those who let them use them, and this starts before the person they are used to using is finally “used up.” It is often at the “used up” point, however, that the built-up contempt (which is really anger that you’ve allowed them to act like such a shameful schmuck) spews forth. You may find that this friend feels nothing like that, and simply does not understand boundaries. You ought to be ready, though, that this could end very badly.
 
I think many of us are fundamentally driven by the ‘treat others as you would like to be treated yourself’ philosophy, but we are not allowing that others can have radically different outlooks on people and life than us.

You have to say to yourself, ‘if I’m a person trapped in a cycle of debt and illness of my own making, would I want to go from problem to problem having others bail me out… or would I want an incentive to take back charge of my life and be independent and self sufficient?’ You yourself know the freedom and benefits of good debt and health management. What a great gift that would be to offer to someone else, even if it means they aren’t going to be too appreciative of it at the time.

If this is a chronic pattern of parent/child type dependence, you aren’t doing the guy any favours by bailing him out all the time really.
 
Thank you all for your advice. You’ve confirmed what I was thinking. It really helps to hear what I thought from other, objective people.
ask yourself what you would even consider asking from someone who was treating you as you are treating him. I think you’ll find that you would not dream of asking to borrow his car unless you simply had no other option
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I never thought about it this way… it was eye-opening to put myself in his shoes. You’re right, I would never dream of asking to borrow my friend’s car unless I absolutely had to. And going to see a friend who lives an hour away is definitely not a necessity.
 
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Those in genuine need I offer to drive them instead (at an hour suitable to both or all parties concerned). That way, you are helping your friend out but it does not cover as much risk. However, Jesus says in His Bible, always help when asked. Therefore there are times when I have to work out what is genuinely in need to the person who has requested the favour (such as money) and what they are able to afford themselves and their situation,

For instance, a girlfriend of mine I have given money for her and 6 Children on occasions for many years (when her husband was out of work as he was self employed) to when their fridge or oven broke down, to when one of their Children are sick. I was working to pay for my own Children but on excellent wages contracting.

Now, they had another asset that could be sold or given away for half a million dollars ie another house/land asset. While I was struggling with chronic anaemia working to meet my basic of basic needs and of course my children’s needs, this block over the years, after I discovered, was a luxury not a need to them as they already owned a beautiful large new home.

What I am saying here, is that satan can tempt people to use people on some occasions and we need to be mindful of this. However, without giving to others who ask, it is my belief that Jesus is saying: Give to all who ask (this helps them and others at the time plus other people learn from our giving and generosity; most of whom are affected by our charity and goodwill, which opens up their hearts to assist others).

So, more important than my thought at the time in relation to my friend owning other assets that could have been sold!
 
No one drives my car but me. When I lived near my children, I would have let my youngest son use it if there were an emergency, he’s very responsible. But because he’s very responsible, he never needed to borrow my car!
 
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