Is social competence and a positve aura the mark of the good Christian

[redbetta]

I remember seeing a thread similar to this something about whether or not Jesus cares about how socially competent we are. I tried and could not find it because it got me thinking. I am a 17 and extremely socially incompetent. I never really had any close friends and I am not interested in casual relationships. It is just me and my parents for the most part. I also have no life to speak of because of school, ACT preparation, the college search, and trying to get service hours. So I am barely squeezing in my spiritual life and faith formation into any nook and cranny I can find.

Every now and then I see a thread on this forum asking why Catholics look spiritually dead or not too happy at mass and that makes me worry about anyone ever finding out that I am Catholic when I go to college and get into the wider world. I am not particularly a warm character and rather passionless. In fact, I am almost the exact image of my stoical father who is still a good man despite being somewhat distant. I am worried that people will see me and get the wrong idea about the Church because I am not exactly beaming with the joy of Christ although I try to learn my faith. I hope someone can offer some reassurance. I see plenty of nice people on this forum and to think a social klutz like me can counter the good effect that they have on the opinions of others troubles me deeply.

Sometimes I may come off as rude when I honestly feel as though I am speaking plainly. I do not know how to make small talk so I always cut to the chase which is probably why I cannot make casual friends. I feel awkward just talking about the weather or my own interests since very little strikes my fancy, which is hard since I am in high school and most of what people talk about are weekend plans, hobbies, sports, books, movies, etc. when they are not talking about school. So I really only open my mouth for business as usual, like inquiring about when an exam will be and things of that sort. I guess I also hold the potential to talk about things of a wider nature since I seem to always to be stripping down everyday observations in life and on the internet to the ideological/philosophical/societal/human roots and mulling them over in almost in an OCD kind of way. However, I run the risk of being politically incorrect or looking like fool due to my inexperience and so I am rather limited on what I can say.

So, is a quiet, somewhat stoical person like me likely to give the wrong impression about my religion should anyone find out? Is there much hope of me being a good Catholic if I cannot really connect with people? I do not even smile that often, and when I do, I usually surprise myself. Reassurances, advice, prayers are all welcome and sorry this post has been so long and I hope I did not offend anyone if there is something offensive in my post. I just mentioned a few observations on this forum, in no way am I expressing any opinion about other Catholics by mentioning those threads. Thanks and sorry again if I do not reply soon, I will try tomorrow.

 

[GEddie]

The Gospel says nothing about popularity or gregariousness being a sign of the faith.

We are to act in love toward each other. But the personality, as such, is not the soul.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Auntie_A]

Social competence is something for us to strive for; social success is a rarity and a great blessing. Social incompetence can have its bumps and bruises but most adults have their struggles with this at varying degrees.

A positive aura can be a sign of a deep faith but I don’t think it is a sure indicator. Many people struggle with their demons or their family’s demons, yet still know what is good and have great faith and strength–their aura may not reflect it, however.

I believe there is great pressure in the “spiritual” world to be perfect and reflect great light and be without any rough edges. But in the real world I have found great love of Christ amidst the ragged and torn. I would never judge someone’s faith by their appearance; I would judge by their actions.

 

[Phalanx]

Every now and then I see a thread on this forum asking why Catholics look spiritually dead or not too happy at mass and that makes me worry about anyone ever finding out that I am Catholic when I go to college and get into the wider world. I am not particularly a warm character and rather passionless.

…

Sometimes I may come off as rude when I honestly feel as though I am speaking plainly. I do not know how to make small talk so I always cut to the chase which is probably why I cannot make casual friends.

…

So, is a quiet, somewhat stoical person like me likely to give the wrong impression about my religion should anyone find out? Is there much hope of me being a good Catholic if I cannot really connect with people? I do not even smile that often, and when I do, I usually surprise myself.

You should be more concerned about putting a smile on your face rather than how to make the church “look good” Im pretty sure you individually won’t alter anyones view on catholics.

 

[JRKH]

Let’s deal with your main question(s) first.

So, is a quiet, somewhat stoical person like me likely to give the wrong impression about my religion should anyone find out? Is there much hope of me being a good Catholic if I cannot really connect with people? I do not even smile that often, and when I do, I usually surprise myself

Yes there is great hope for you being a great Catholic. No need to worry there.
No it is not likely that you will give the “wrong impression” of the Church. Any conclusions that people might draw from meeting you are their own. You are not responsible for them.

Now to some other matters…

I also have no life to speak of because of school, ACT preparation, the college search, and trying to get service hours. So I am barely squeezing in my spiritual life and faith formation into any nook and cranny I can find.

No Life?? Sounds like an incredibly full life if you ask me. It is sad that you feel that your spiritual life is suffering because of other commitments.
But actually you can probably do more than you realize. Did you know that you can just talk to Jesus, or the Father, or Mary or any of the saints anytime you wish? Use small prayers to give praise, or to ask for strength, guidance or protection during the day.
You will do fine.

I am a 17 and extremely socially incompetent. I never really had any close friends and I am not interested in casual relationships. It is just me and my parents for the most part.

This along with much of your other description sounds very similar to me (and I’ll bet a lot of others at that age).
This may sound cliche…but my best advice is to say, “don’t worry, you will grow out of it.” Well actually it might be that life will more or less catch up to where you are.
The “real world” of life and business and family and “social competence” is very different than the school world.
So be patient with yourself.

Every now and then I see a thread on this forum asking why Catholics look spiritually dead or not too happy at mass and that makes me worry about anyone ever finding out that I am Catholic when I go to college and get into the wider world.

I am not particularly a warm character and rather passionless. In fact, I am almost the exact image of my stoical father who is still a good man despite being somewhat distant. I am worried that people will see me and get the wrong idea about the Church because I am not exactly beaming with the joy of Christ although I try to learn my faith. I hope someone can offer some reassurance. I see plenty of nice people on this forum and to think a social klutz like me can counter the good effect that they have on the opinions of others troubles me deeply.

Do not worry. Just consider how you might answer a person who asks such a question. As I said earlier…people will draw their own conclusions. Remember that Jesus as accused of being too outgoing (associating with sinners) and John was accused of being too stoic…those who want to accuse will do so regardless of what you do.

Reassurances, advice, prayers are all welcome and sorry this post has been so long and I hope I did not offend anyone if there is something offensive in my post. I just mentioned a few observations on this forum, in no way am I expressing any opinion about other Catholics by mentioning those threads. Thanks and sorry again if I do not reply soon, I will try tomorrow.

You have not given offense in any way.

The thing to remember is it takes a lot of different people to make up the Church. Some are very gregarious and outgoing, others are very introspective and contemplative.

I can’t help but observe the old adage (or cliche) that those who are “popular” in school but are not studious often wind up working for the very people who were studious and unpopular in school.
Yea - the “real world” is very different from school.

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

Just wanted to pop back in here and touch on what Jesus taught about showing our faith.
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another”. (John 13:34-35)
The Greek here is “Agape” - or a deep brotherly love.

What does this mean? Does this love need to be gregarious, outgoing, popular?
You say that your father is stoic and kind of distant. Does this mean your father does not love? Surely not…since you say he is a good man.

You say that you have difficulty making small talk…you tend to be serious in conversation…to reduce things to the important components. Does this mean you love less than those who are happy to just prattle? Or perhaps it means you love MORE because you truly care about issues and wish to have serious discussion.
As you move into college, you may find more ways to indulge this tendency, depending on the classes you take and organizations you become involved in. Your desire to get in “service hours” speaks to this very thing. You are showing the most important aspect of being a good Catholic - Agape.

Just some thoughts.

Peace
James

 

[Sarcelle]

I remember seeing a thread similar to this something about whether or not Jesus cares about how socially competent we are. I tried and could not find it because it got me thinking. I am a 17 and extremely socially incompetent. I never really had any close friends and I am not interested in casual relationships. It is just me and my parents for the most part. I also have no life to speak of because of school, ACT preparation, the college search, and trying to get service hours. So I am barely squeezing in my spiritual life and faith formation into any nook and cranny I can find.

Every now and then I see a thread on this forum asking why Catholics look spiritually dead or not too happy at mass and that makes me worry about anyone ever finding out that I am Catholic when I go to college and get into the wider world. I am not particularly a warm character and rather passionless. In fact, I am almost the exact image of my stoical father who is still a good man despite being somewhat distant. I am worried that people will see me and get the wrong idea about the Church because I am not exactly beaming with the joy of Christ although I try to learn my faith. I hope someone can offer some reassurance. I see plenty of nice people on this forum and to think a social klutz like me can counter the good effect that they have on the opinions of others troubles me deeply.

Sometimes I may come off as rude when I honestly feel as though I am speaking plainly. I do not know how to make small talk so I always cut to the chase which is probably why I cannot make casual friends. I feel awkward just talking about the weather or my own interests since very little strikes my fancy, which is hard since I am in high school and most of what people talk about are weekend plans, hobbies, sports, books, movies, etc. when they are not talking about school. So I really only open my mouth for business as usual, like inquiring about when an exam will be and things of that sort. I guess I also hold the potential to talk about things of a wider nature since I seem to always to be stripping down everyday observations in life and on the internet to the ideological/philosophical/societal/human roots and mulling them over in almost in an OCD kind of way. However, I run the risk of being politically incorrect or looking like fool due to my inexperience and so I am rather limited on what I can say.

So, is a quiet, somewhat stoical person like me likely to give the wrong impression about my religion should anyone find out? Is there much hope of me being a good Catholic if I cannot really connect with people? I do not even smile that often, and when I do, I usually surprise myself. Reassurances, advice, prayers are all welcome and sorry this post has been so long and I hope I did not offend anyone if there is something offensive in my post. I just mentioned a few observations on this forum, in no way am I expressing any opinion about other Catholics by mentioning those threads. Thanks and sorry again if I do not reply soon, I will try tomorrow.

You can have all the social competence and flair you need or want, but if you are a faithful Catholic and open your mouth to say that contraception is wrong, abortion is murder or that marriage should be between one man and one woman, than you’ll just be as unpopular as the most socially awkward person.

 

[IrishAm]

You are not alone. I have had to remind myself many times through the years, when I was feeling left-out or lonely, that Christianity is NOT a “self-help” program in that sense. I am what God made me to be . . . Being “the best version of me” won’t necessarily ever make me loved, popular, or have lots of friends. It will, however, bring me close to God, and all else pales in comparison to that.

 

[redbetta]

Thanks everyone, But cannot help but feel that I am not a spiritually good person. I have to catechize myself but I hardly make any progress because life is so busy. Glad to know that I do not have to be good socially to be a good Catholic. I still wish that I had some degree of normalcy though. Thanks again.

 

[JRKH]

Thanks everyone, But cannot help but feel that I am not a spiritually good person. I have to catechize myself but I hardly make any progress because life is so busy. Glad to know that I do not have to be good socially to be a good Catholic. I still wish that I had some degree of normalcy though. Thanks again.

Fear not - “normalcy” will come.

For now, trust God, partake of the sacraments, say your prayers mornings and evenings and get a good education. God will take care of the rest.

Oh - and feel free to pop in here anytime.

As for your concerns over being a “spiritually good person” I suggest you have a regular confessor (once or twice a month at least) who can help you with this.

Peace
James

 

[redbetta]

Thanks, I already do weekly confession, brief morning/evening prayers, Sunday mass, and weekly adoration since it’s available to me for Lent. But I am still not well read on the faith since I do not have a lot of time so I do not feel that I am as good as I shoul be. Thanks anyway and I may not respond until tomorrow.

 

[JRKH]

Thanks, I already do weekly confession, brief morning/evening prayers, Sunday mass, and weekly adoration since it’s available to me for Lent. But I am still not well read on the faith since I do not have a lot of time so I do not feel that I am as good as I shoul be. Thanks anyway and I may not respond until tomorrow.

Sounds to me like you are doing fine.

Being “well read” on the faith won’t necessarily make you a better Catholic, Living you life in love and for Jesus, each day - that is what counts, and I am sure your confessor will tell you the same thing.

Peace
James

 

[FreciaMarie]

…

You say that you have difficulty making small talk…you tend to be serious in conversation…to reduce things to the important components. Does this mean you love less than those who are happy to just prattle? Or perhaps it means you love MORE because you truly care about issues and wish to have serious discussion.

…

Just some thoughts.

Peace
James

I just want to focus on this snippet from James’ thoughts. This way of being- quiet, serious, not prone to small talk and social frivolity- can be EXACTLY the right type of person to evangelize people who are overwhelmed or put off by more social, gregarious types.

Do not be afraid of not showing Christian joy, just because you’re more serious- Christian joy can also be seen in quiet charity, deep desire to know and understand our Faith, truthfulness and deep prayer life.

 

[SecretCatholic]

redbetta, I am not trying to be contrary, but “normalcy” may not come anytime soon for you. We live in difficult times. Human beings aren’t meant to live the way a lot of us are living these days. It isn’t a surprise that so many are unhappy. For those of us that are a bit introverted things may be worse.

Work at developing social skills. They are VERY important. You may never act like an extrovert, but having better social skills will help you a lot and will complement all your other skills. Go out and try to make lots of friends, even though most won’t “stick”. Remember that true friends are few and far between, but if you don’t meet anyone, you’re unlikely to meet those who will prove to be true friends throughout time. Go to the youth groups. Socialize. Don’t beat yourself up that you’re not as great at it. Others will not be as good at you at what you’re good at.

Don’t worry about how you’re making the church “look”, as long as you are following Christ’s commandments and example. But do smile more. For your own sake. Try to be happier, without forgetting reality. There’s too much to be sad about in the world already. Let’s not add to that sadness unnecessarily.

 

[Sarcelle]

If you don’t mind one more advise, try to get some etiquette lessons if they are available in your area. I have Aspergers and my Mom made sure I got some etiquette lessons as a child. These lessons proved invaluable in helping cultivate.social skills

There are etiquette books also available.

 

[SushiFan]

You can also listen to Catholic radio or podcasts while you are driving, riding the bus, on the train, whatever. I don’t always have much time either, so Catholic radio has helped me learn a lot.

 

[DaisymaeD]

Actually, this is something I’ve been wondering about too. I mean, if you plaster a big grin on your face all the time, people will judge you as “creepy”. If you don’t smile, then the haters are all, “See? See? Them Catholics is all cue scare chord SPIRITUALLY DEAD!!!”

You kinda can’t win.

I think it’s probably better to be a kind person in your actions and a sincere and genuine emotional affect.

 

[fhansen]

I remember seeing a thread similar to this something about whether or not Jesus cares about how socially competent we are. I tried and could not find it because it got me thinking. I am a 17 and extremely socially incompetent. I never really had any close friends and I am not interested in casual relationships. It is just me and my parents for the most part. I also have no life to speak of because of school, ACT preparation, the college search, and trying to get service hours. So I am barely squeezing in my spiritual life and faith formation into any nook and cranny I can find.

Every now and then I see a thread on this forum asking why Catholics look spiritually dead or not too happy at mass and that makes me worry about anyone ever finding out that I am Catholic when I go to college and get into the wider world. I am not particularly a warm character and rather passionless. In fact, I am almost the exact image of my stoical father who is still a good man despite being somewhat distant. I am worried that people will see me and get the wrong idea about the Church because I am not exactly beaming with the joy of Christ although I try to learn my faith. I hope someone can offer some reassurance. I see plenty of nice people on this forum and to think a social klutz like me can counter the good effect that they have on the opinions of others troubles me deeply.

Sometimes I may come off as rude when I honestly feel as though I am speaking plainly. I do not know how to make small talk so I always cut to the chase which is probably why I cannot make casual friends. I feel awkward just talking about the weather or my own interests since very little strikes my fancy, which is hard since I am in high school and most of what people talk about are weekend plans, hobbies, sports, books, movies, etc. when they are not talking about school. So I really only open my mouth for business as usual, like inquiring about when an exam will be and things of that sort. I guess I also hold the potential to talk about things of a wider nature since I seem to always to be stripping down everyday observations in life and on the internet to the ideological/philosophical/societal/human roots and mulling them over in almost in an OCD kind of way. However, I run the risk of being politically incorrect or looking like fool due to my inexperience and so I am rather limited on what I can say.

So, is a quiet, somewhat stoical person like me likely to give the wrong impression about my religion should anyone find out? Is there much hope of me being a good Catholic if I cannot really connect with people? I do not even smile that often, and when I do, I usually surprise myself. Reassurances, advice, prayers are all welcome and sorry this post has been so long and I hope I did not offend anyone if there is something offensive in my post. I just mentioned a few observations on this forum, in no way am I expressing any opinion about other Catholics by mentioning those threads. Thanks and sorry again if I do not reply soon, I will try tomorrow.

We’re Catholics due to what we believe, not due to what others think of us. We cannot be all things to all people-and that’s really a problem with us; we want everyone to like us, but we pretty much have to conform to the world’s standards in order to make that happen-and even then it doesn’t work! And no two of us are the same; only God gets to be all in all. So we’re to worship Him first above all else, then let the chips fall, living our lives the best we can with the gifts given: who we are, with all our pluses and minuses, the limitations we all have in one way or another, striving with His help to be better yet. The Catechism teaches that God made His universe in a “state of journeying to perfection”

Catholics aren’t a bunch of saints so much as they’re a bunch of admitted sinners: the first step to sainthood. It’s a good struggle either way; goodness is foundational to this universe, Christ is risen! Life is worth the effort.