Is there a limit to forgiveness?

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BetrayedHusband

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My wife of 8 years recently told me that she had an 18 month affair with a co-worker. She told me that she started the affair initially because she liked the flattery that this co-worker provided. She did not have any intentions of leaving me but once she was in the affair she fell in love with this man and became distance with me. Their affair is over, she has admitted the truth after much lying about it (even after it was discovered).

This affair has crushed me deeply, I love my wife and I am truly committed to here and our vows. I was not raised to believe in divorce and I know I am supposed to forgive but are there limits to forgiveness? I ask because…

After she told me about this affair she clarified details about a previous affair she had 4 years ago. I had already forgiven her for this affair 4 years ago but then she revealed some startling details about it.

I am trying to forgive and we both are willing to seek counseling but this is starting to feel like she is emotionally abusing me, not sure if I can take any more of this.
 
I believe the Bible says something to the effect of 7 times 70 however; I am confident that means, there is no limit and the expectation is to continue to forgive and forget how many times you have already forgiven.

God bless you and may the Holy Spirit strengthen your marriage.
 
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. (Matthew 5:7)

I will pray for you and your wife.
 
Forgiving and forgetting are two different acts and/or states of being. Your a human being, not a machine. If there is an honest reconciliation on her part and you are able to release her from her actions which is forgiveness, it doesn’t mean you we be entirely able to “forget”. This was a serious thing that happened to you. You may be ever mindful of it.

I would suggest talking to a priest, both of you, and renewing your vows.
 
You can forgive abmillion times but that doesn’t mean you have to staybwith her. If she is not committed to your marriage than she is living a lie and you are not obliged to accept or enable that. Nor do you have to endure this kind of emotional abuse.

Forgiving doesn’t mean sitting there and taking it.

God give you strength!
 
1inICXC said:
You can forgive abmillion times but that doesn’t mean you have to staybwith her. If she is not committed to your marriage than she is living a lie and you are not obliged to accept or enable that. Nor do you have to endure this kind of emotional abuse.

Forgiving doesn’t mean sitting there and taking it.

God give you strength!
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This is exactly right. You are obligated as a Christian to truly forgive her for her transgressions, even if she doesn’t ask for forgiveness. But you are not obligated to stay in what could be considered an emotionally and spiritually abusive relationship given that there’s a clear pattern of deception and betrayal of the marital vows. Whether you would receive a declaration of nullity should you seek one is not for any of us here to say, but what we can all agree on is that while you must forgive, it’s impossible to forget and you need to protect yourself.

Heck, you need to protect her too. Taking someone back after repeated affairs and no consequences does the other person no good either. It just teaches them that it’s basically OK to run over people they promised to love and break all their most sacred promises.
 
BetrayedHusband said:
My wife of 8 years recently told me that she had an 18 month affair with a co-worker. She told me that she started the affair initially because she liked the flattery that this co-worker provided. She did not have any intentions of leaving me but once she was in the affair she fell in love with this man and became distance with me. Their affair is over, she has admitted the truth after much lying about it (even after it was discovered).

This affair has crushed me deeply, I love my wife and I am truly committed to here and our vows. I was not raised to believe in divorce and I know I am supposed to forgive but are there limits to forgiveness? I ask because…

After she told me about this affair she clarified details about a previous affair she had 4 years ago. I had already forgiven her for this affair 4 years ago but then she revealed some startling details about it.

I am trying to forgive and we both are willing to seek counseling but this is starting to feel like she is emotionally abusing me, not sure if I can take any more of this.
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I take my hat off to you sir,you should be commended for your patience and conduct in handling the situation,to me,you’re a hero of moral courage.To answer your question,there is no limit to forgiveness,however,God’s justice must and always prevails in the end.I can’t say I blame you for being at your wits end.Do not despair.I strongly suggest that you seek advice from a priest as well as professional counseling.The only way you will crawl through this river of filth and come out clean on the other side is Our Lord.You cannot deal with this based on mere learnt men.A bit of both would be a good combination.

It is said when people overstep the periphery of fidelity there is no turning back?This maybe the tale of many,but not for you.You have the faith,you have the means and tools to certainly make a difference in your lives.Yes,it’s going to drain every ounce of strength you can muster,but this is for a woman God has united to you,although weak,is your wife."What God has joined,let no man put asunder."You and your wife are one.If she is weak you nurse her back to health.Fight for her,fight for your marriage 'cause believe me,it’s worth it.I’m sure you share the same sentiments as me on this?

My wife asked me December last year if I’d married again if she were to pass in to eternity?I replied “no.” When asked why,I replied "I have given you all I can and all that I am,I have nothing left to give the next woman…"For me,a situation like yours is head down and go horns first.

All the best to you mate.

JMJ
 
I share this with you as it is biblical, but would advise you seek the counsel of your parish priest for final clarification.
JESUS does permit one reason for divorce in the New Testament, which can be found in Matthew 5, 31 and is repeated in Matthew 19, 3-9 that one reason is - lewd conduct - which I believe is adultery.
Your wife has clearly established a pattern of ignoring her vows and promises made within her marriage and she has confessed to - adultery and lewd conduct.
 
I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. Sorry to hear about the situation you are in. It must feel terrible. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the sin of another. You are right in thinking you have been abused. You have been. What your feelings are telling you is correct. Forgiving your wife is not the same as saying what she did is OK. Forgiving you wife does not mean she doesn’t have to change her behavior/attitude toward you. She does. The marriage can not and does not exist without your wife’s commitment/fidelity. Forgiving your wife has to do with actions that are in the past and YOUR response. You are letting go of the debt owed to yourself that your wife can’t repay. You are willing her good no matter the cost to you. I think that can only be done through gratitude of what Christ has done for you. (i.e. forgiven your debt so you can live in eternal joy with Him) With man it is impossible, with God all things are possible. I think that verse applies to your situation. May God forgive this horribly inadequate response to your pain. Just want you to know you are not alone. If anything here makes sense it is due to Him. May God wrap His loving arms around you and your wife during this difficult time.
 
I stand corrected; ‘forgetting’ is an ambigous word. Believe me, BetrayedHusband, I say from my heart, with experience~forgive and it will allow you to ‘forget’ (carry hurt & resentment) if you do so with love, faith, and God’s help.
 
1inICXC said:
You can forgive abmillion times but that doesn’t mean you have to staybwith her. If she is not committed to your marriage than she is living a lie and you are not obliged to accept or enable that. Nor do you have to endure this kind of emotional abuse.

Forgiving doesn’t mean sitting there and taking it.

God give you strength!
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amen to this!👍
 
RedeemedandGlad said:
I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. Sorry to hear about the situation you are in. It must feel terrible. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the sin of another. You are right in thinking you have been abused. You have been. What your feelings are telling you is correct. Forgiving your wife is not the same as saying what she did is OK. Forgiving you wife does not mean she doesn’t have to change her behavior/attitude toward you. She does. The marriage can not and does not exist without your wife’s commitment/fidelity. Forgiving your wife has to do with actions that are in the past and YOUR response. You are letting go of the debt owed to yourself that your wife can’t repay. You are willing her good no matter the cost to you. I think that can only be done through gratitude of what Christ has done for you. (i.e. forgiven your debt so you can live in eternal joy with Him) With man it is impossible, with God all things are possible. I think that verse applies to your situation. May God forgive this horribly inadequate response to your pain. Just want you to know you are not alone. If anything here makes sense it is due to Him. May God wrap His loving arms around you and your wife during this difficult time.
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Lovely post!
 
You can forgive your wife and still move on from a relationship that is abusive. Forgiving is a different entity entirely. We must forgive our transgressors, but we do not have to share a marital bed with one.

If you are being abused, a trial separation may help the both of you sort things out with counselling. She needs a wake-up call and know that you may just leave her.
 
Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves.

I grew up with a parent that had issues with bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness, and was an alcoholic. Something happens to us when we hold on to hurts. I can’t imagine what pain you are in and I can’t say that I would be a pillar of faith in such circumstances.

I invite you to listen to the video of Bob and Audrey Meisner. Audrey had an affair and became pregnant. The man was of a different race so the baby was a very obvious sign of infidelity. There’s 3 parts and here is the link to part 1. May God walk you through this very difficult time and give you wisdom as to how to proceed…

youtube.com/watch?v=yFnw7r6Zy6k
 
Remember that forgiving is not the same as denying the damage done by the offense. It is, rather, letting go of a desire for retribution for the harm done. It is a willingness to let the debt go.

Forgiveness is also different work than reconciliation. Forgiveness lets go of the offense, but reconciliation is the work of regaining trust and rebuilding a relationship. A single person can forgive, but it takes two to reconcile. God can forgive before we repent, but we have to repent in order to be reconciled.

Think of it this way: If someone working at a bank steals some of the money, they can be forgiven. That doesn’t bring the money back, though. That damage, the temporal result of the theft, is still there to be addressed. Also, the bank may decide to forgive–that is, not to press charges–but that does not mean they’re ever going to let that person work as an employee again, which would be reconciliation.

Does your wife admit that carrying on a secret affair behind your husband’s back is treacherous, and carrying on an affair with no intention of making either relationship exclusive is particularly so?

I don’t know if she is being abusive, but she has not been looking out for your feelings. She also seems to think being honest about the lies one has told is the same as being honest. Those aren’t the same thing. Rather, she is detailing all the ways in which she has not been reliable. In the absence of a profound resolve that this will never happen again, she is building a case for why you should not trust her. In contrast, she seems to be giving rationalizations for why she did it in the first place.

Your wife has not even convinced you that she understands the most basic aspects of what fidelity is. If you don’t think she knows what fidelity is, it is reasonable that you can’t force yourself to believe she will be faithful. That is not being unforgiving. That is facing up to the truth of the situation.

You have a counsellor, but maybe these concepts will help you a bit…that is, that forgiving and returning a person to a position of trust are not the same thing, but two different tasks.
 
Betrayed,

I know what you are going through, my (soon to be EX) wife carried on an affair for over 2 years, I suspected and she just lied about it. She left the Church prior to starting and he was also married. I discovered the truth and even then she lied about it and was still sleeping with him. There is a difference between forgiving (which I know I will do) and trusting or seeing her as I once did. We were also married for 15 years when she started the affair. It is oblivious to me that she has no respect for me, our marriage, his marriage but even worse no respect for God and His laws. I know ever situation is different and everyone needs to make their own choice; and just as my EX chose to have an affair and break Gods law, I choose to forgive but will not trust her again.

I know that the Church says that adultery is not a reason for annulment- but I also view things this way: 1) Gods laws – thou shall not covet thy neighbors spouse, thou shall not commit adultery. 2) Jesus states “that if a man (spouse) divorces his wife (spouse) except for adultery and marries another, they commit adultery.

Regardless of your choice I will pray that God guides you and grants you peace.
If it helps to talk you can PM me.

Winter
 
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