Is there a spiritual doctor in the house?

[The_NW_Neophyte]

Hi…

I’m a newbie - driven by a need for spiritual discernment in the area of dealing with family matters as a Christian who desires to walk my talk.

The problem: A 40+ year-old sibling with a history of bi-polar, alcohol and substance abuse who is recently “clean & sober” after a near-jail experience because his ex-wife falsely accused him of child molestation. The ex-wife has a history of substance abuse (alcohol + meth). (We didn’t believe it true because of the circumstances around her accusations. There are two kids involved, girl age 3 and boy age 5. As recently as Easter weekend there was a new false accusation again without substance. The LA court threw it out. In fact, the court gave my brother overnight custody on a regular basis and whenever the ex-wife wanted to go out of town.

We think my brother is clean & sober.

Here’s my dilemma: My brother wants to bring the kids up to the NW to see “Grandma” and, since the ex-wife has been on good behavior that we should be “Christians” and greet them with open arms. After all “you say you’re all Christians and you should be forgiving.” I’m deeply troubled by his sudden newfound “friendship” with her and that he would even consider bringing her near us.

1. I’m upset becauseI know a lot about the manipulating and deceptive mind of the substance abuser. We’ve been down this road WAY too many times before. We have been lied to and verbally abused whenever we put our foot down to the chaos they create. There is a serious matter of broken trust with the ex-wife that cannot just disappear because someone’s behavior has, for the moment, taken a 180 turn. I see no apologies. I see no repentance or retribution for the damage that’s been done. My brother cannot and is not welcome in any home of his prior “friends” who have small children because there is a lingering mistrust that will take many, many years for him to overcome.
2. I hate seeing the Holy Scriptures used by the enemy who thinks that out of fear and/or naivety we’ll just roll over and continue being used. I recall all the instances that Jesus forgave sinners with the exhortation “…now sin no more.” Gods people are judged in their sin. God even gave them over to their sins if they didn’t stop. I see God is loving and forgiving, but He is vengeful and will not tolerate continued sin “… those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
3. No - I don’t enable substance abusers anymore – at least I try not to. I continue to love them and pray for them. PLUS, I have a nephew and a niece whose safety and well-being are legitimate concerns. Living and walking the Christian life needs to be balanced. We are being sanctified in the Holy Spirit and transformed into His image so we can exhibit unconditional love and yet not allow them the right to abuse us.
4. I’m afraid that the mere fact that my brother is talking about bringing the kids up from LA WITH his ex-wife, that he’s actually having a relationship with her again (she has not been faithful). When a substance abuser uses chemicals, the first thing to go is sound judgment. Right now, he’s not showing he’s got sound judgment. He’s lucky he’s not in jail right now. The maddening thing is the world of insanity they create because of repeated lapses and relapses into their substance abuse.
5. If the foregoing is true, I’m afraid for the kids. Those of us who stood by my brother during this whole ordeal will be grievously disappointed. Those who denied him emotional, spiritual or financial support will only point at him with a “told you so” attitude. Either way, it’s going to be a lose-lose proposition.

I don’t want to see a broken marriage; but this substance abuse goes back 20+ years. My brother has received treatment; but she’s in denial that she has a problem so she has never even been into counseling. Their recent divorce cost them both hundreds of thousands of dollars so now their both broke. It has to stop!!!

I don’t want to sin because I didn’t do the right thing, or because I didn’t say the right thing. Is there a spiritual doctor in the house who can give me a diagnosis – or at least some spiritual guidance? I believe in a God who loves us. I believe in a God who hears our prayers and will do miracles according to His will.

But, I don’t know what to do because I’m …

The NW Neophyte

 

[chicago]

bump

 

[Joysong]

Dear Neophyte,

I doubt any of us would qualify as a spiritual director, nor would we want to influence you in such a serious matter.

Here’s my dilemma: My brother wants to bring the kids up to the NW to see “Grandma” and, since the ex-wife has been on good behavior that we should be “Christians” and greet them with open arms.

You did not say how “grandma” feels about the visit. I think it is really her decision, but I sense that maybe you would like to influence her by obtaining support from forum members, that she is right or wrong in allowing the visit.

I have good experience understanding substance abuse, and the interaction that occurs when the abuser swears, “never again, I promise you!”

Swearing has little or no ability to keep a person straight. The problem with these promises is that they are filled with sincere passion and and they believe their own words, which baits the innocent party hook, line and sinker. And you seem to have some knowledge as well, for you used the term “enabler.” Yes, the innocent party “enables” the problem to continue, because of an intense desire for reunion, a misplaced love for the person (especially if it is a spouse), and mistaken notions about forgiveness. To them, forgiveness implies full restoration, and that is completely unwise.

What the “enabler” should see in the abuser is positive evidence of efforts to overcome, rather than just to say so. This may be offering proof of having been a number of months in therapy and/or counselling, ablity to hold employment, efforts to make restitution - you can read them all in the 12-step programs.

Unless the person has demonstrated these substantial efforts, he/she is bound to repeat the errors of the past, and the ill-timed unity disables the abuser from accepting this help. You might find Dr. Dobson’s book on “Tough Love” helpful - it may be available in a nearby library.

May God speak to your heart and give you wisdom in this very intense situation. Meanwhile, you need to realize that forgiveness has taken place in your heart, and you are not sinning because you don’t open wide your arms. I pray that God also give you prudence, dear friend.

 

[The_NW_Neophyte]

Dear Joysong,

My deepest gratitude to you.

You’re right when you call this a serious matter and is perhaps too heavy for this kind of forum.

However, your comments and insightful wisdom of your words mirror my thoughts. I don’t want to speak in terms of conditional love because we are exhorted to love others as Jesus taught. However, in the area of substance abuse and the insanity of repeated failures (again and again and again), I have learned not to take “promises” at face value even though I don’t doubt how deeply the addict desires to change. I think you nailed it for me in terms of timing. Trust has been destroyed; especially with Grandma. She’s the one most taken advantage of (physically and financially – then I’m next in line…) I will continue to encourage her to be forgiving (as I am to the best of my ability) as Jesus told His disciples in Luke 17:4 “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,’ forgive him.” This is an exhortation that we are to be forgiving “indefinitely”! In its proper timing and with proper evidence of healthy choices, Grandma will have the desire to have that contact with her ex-daughter-in-law.

Jesus set the example for merciful and meekness. “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.” Being meek is not the same as being weak – and Jesus was no weakling as evidenced when He lost his anger at the moneychangers in the temple. When our loved ones sin against us, we are right to be angry. But, then ultimately we need to forgive least we go to bed nursing an angry heart. Likewise, anyone who sins is held accountable for those grievances, repent (meaning, make a 180 degree turnabout – a condition that Jesus put out there) and do penance for the consequences of their sin.

Yes, Dr. Dobson’s book “Tough Love” has made its round in our family. Some of us have been to Al-Anon, others to AA. The spokes on the wheel are all related and if only one spoke remains in dysfunction, the wheel remains out of balance.

I strive not to be anyone’s “higher power” because that job belongs only to God … and He is not only able but is willing to transform anyone who asks. James 1:5 says “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” I know God hears our “heart-song” … and with this promise, my joy is once again restored.

God bless you, Joysong, for being a vessel used by the Holy Spirit.

The NW Neophyte