B
BenSinner
Guest
I had an extremely beautiful experience today.
For years I’ve been struggling with OCD and I had an obsessive thought today that caused a big panic attack. Here was what the thought was trying to convince me during this panic:
“This panic attack won’t stop. It’s going to kill you. You are going to die, but there is a way out. Deny Christianity, because you know it’s a hoax. This anxiety will go away if you deny Christianity and accept the truth.” (this fear has been trying to convince me the last couple of days that as long as I remain a Christian, I will have the anxiety because somewhere deep inside me, there is something causing the anxiety trying to bring me to the “truth” and it’s not Christianity)
I was “convinced” enough by this fear that I actually tried to call a priest to go to confession just in case. I got in my car and went to the Blessed Sacrament I could feel my heart rate getting faster, but I didn’t feel scared…because I was very firm in that I don’t care how bad the anxiety gets, even if it kills me right now. I am NOT going to deny my faith. I felt a peace because if I died, I knew I died from standing up for my faith…and if the attack goes away…then I know it’s just OCD and not some hidden intuition.
After this moment, the attack went away quickly and it’s like the floodgates just completely broke and I was crying tears of joy all the way to the Blessed Sacrament, because at the time, I felt I like “endured to the end” even in the face of “death”. I arrived at the Blessed Sacrament and I just felt a sense of consolation.
Believe me, I know how stupid this sounds, but at the time. This was a huge deal for me, and still kind of is.
What happened to me be considered martyrdom? Even though I was in no real threat of death, but I sincerely thought I was. And obviously I didn’t die, but I had the intent to.
For years I’ve been struggling with OCD and I had an obsessive thought today that caused a big panic attack. Here was what the thought was trying to convince me during this panic:
“This panic attack won’t stop. It’s going to kill you. You are going to die, but there is a way out. Deny Christianity, because you know it’s a hoax. This anxiety will go away if you deny Christianity and accept the truth.” (this fear has been trying to convince me the last couple of days that as long as I remain a Christian, I will have the anxiety because somewhere deep inside me, there is something causing the anxiety trying to bring me to the “truth” and it’s not Christianity)
I was “convinced” enough by this fear that I actually tried to call a priest to go to confession just in case. I got in my car and went to the Blessed Sacrament I could feel my heart rate getting faster, but I didn’t feel scared…because I was very firm in that I don’t care how bad the anxiety gets, even if it kills me right now. I am NOT going to deny my faith. I felt a peace because if I died, I knew I died from standing up for my faith…and if the attack goes away…then I know it’s just OCD and not some hidden intuition.
After this moment, the attack went away quickly and it’s like the floodgates just completely broke and I was crying tears of joy all the way to the Blessed Sacrament, because at the time, I felt I like “endured to the end” even in the face of “death”. I arrived at the Blessed Sacrament and I just felt a sense of consolation.
Believe me, I know how stupid this sounds, but at the time. This was a huge deal for me, and still kind of is.
What happened to me be considered martyrdom? Even though I was in no real threat of death, but I sincerely thought I was. And obviously I didn’t die, but I had the intent to.
