Is this friend making me a part of her possible mortal sin?

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twosweetgirls

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Sure hope this is the right place to ask this. . .

I have a friend whom I suspect is/was having an affair. She’s never outright told me that’s what it was, rather, it was what she “wasn’t” saying–her moods and depressed feelings over “this certain friend” (as she called it) and needing prayer to get over “it” (as she referred to the situation). Some days she’d call me saying she was doing just great with “it”, other days she’d call me in tears. I’ve never pressed for details, and have prayed for her and listened to her as she’s needed.

So fast forward to today, when she told me she was meeting “this certain friend” and was going to “be done with it”–she wanted me to pray for her for strength to get over this. Well, she just called and said “it’s over” and felt as light and free as a bird. However, she says she’ll be crying many tears over “it” and that the forthcoming week will surely be not as pleasant as she feels right now.

My problem? She just asked if she could use me in a lie. “I need you as a cover-up”, she told me. Seriously, this really came as a shock to me; I never thought I’d be placed in such a position. In fact, she said “I hate having to put you in this position”. She said that if it ever came up with her husband or whomever, that I was supposed to say something like “oh yeah, we had a great visit that day” or whatever. Stuttering, and completely thrown for a loop, I said something lame like “well, you and I talk all the time, so it likely won’t come up anyway”.

But now? I feel like I’m a part of something I want NO part of. Like I said, she’s never outright told me that an affair was her “it” issue, but I put two and two together, you know? And something else, I feel incredibly used. Plus, does this now make me a part of moral sin, and must I confess this? I didn’t think about that last part until I got off the phone; I don’t think very well on my feet when confronted like this.

Doggone-it to pete, I hate feeling like this, and hate the position she’s now put me in! Whatever advice or (name removed by moderator)ut you can give would be MOST appreciated.
 
twosweetgirls said:
Sure hope this is the right place to ask this. . .

I have a friend whom I suspect is/was having an affair. She’s never outright told me that’s what it was, rather, it was what she “wasn’t” saying–her moods and depressed feelings over “this certain friend” (as she called it) and needing prayer to get over “it” (as she referred to the situation). Some days she’d call me saying she was doing just great with “it”, other days she’d call me in tears. I’ve never pressed for details, and have prayed for her and listened to her as she’s needed.

So fast forward to today, when she told me she was meeting “this certain friend” and was going to “be done with it”–she wanted me to pray for her for strength to get over this. Well, she just called and said “it’s over” and felt as light and free as a bird. However, she says she’ll be crying many tears over “it” and that the forthcoming week will surely be not as pleasant as she feels right now.

My problem? She just asked if she could use me in a lie. “I need you as a cover-up”, she told me. Seriously, this really came as a shock to me; I never thought I’d be placed in such a position. In fact, she said “I hate having to put you in this position”. She said that if it ever came up with her husband or whomever, that I was supposed to say something like “oh yeah, we had a great visit that day” or whatever. Stuttering, and completely thrown for a loop, I said something lame like “well, you and I talk all the time, so it likely won’t come up anyway”.

But now? I feel like I’m a part of something I want NO part of. Like I said, she’s never outright told me that an affair was her “it” issue, but I put two and two together, you know? And something else, I feel incredibly used. Plus, does this now make me a part of moral sin, and must I confess this? I didn’t think about that last part until I got off the phone; I don’t think very well on my feet when confronted like this.

Doggone-it to pete, I hate feeling like this, and hate the position she’s now put me in! Whatever advice or (name removed by moderator)ut you can give would be MOST appreciated.
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Since you haven’t done anything, yet, I don’t think that you have sinned.

But, if you were to help her cover up her affair by lying to her husband, I believe that would be mortal sin.

I advise you not to lie for her, and to tell her that, flat out.

God Bless
 
Of course you cannot lie for her.

You can tell her that you will not tell anyone of the conversations you two have had on any topic. So, you won’t gossip and you won’t bring up the topic with anyone. There is no sin in that.

You should tell her that if you are ever directly asked, you will NOT lie. You will not provide an alibi for her, nor lie to anyone. She should not tell people she was with you when she was not.

You haven’t committed any sin since no one has asked you and you have not lied. Your non-committal response (understandable since you were taken by surprise) might lead her to think you are *willing *to lie for her, so you need to clear that up right away.
 
Honestly, I would tell her what you just said in your post – that you want no part in covering up whatever it is that happened between her and her “friend.” Say you were surprised she would ask you to compromise your integrity by lying for her and after you had time to reflect you feel used and want to be clear that you will not lie for her.

I know these are difficult things to say to a friend, but unless you tell her what you actually feel, I think it will be difficult for you to continue a friendship with her that moves past this.
 
Well, she called me back a few hours later and apologized! She said how inappropriate it was for her to do that to me, and that gave me a chance to tell her how much I loved her as a friend but I absolutely would not lie for her. And if that sounded harsh, well, too bad (I said that in a nice way). I let her know how sick to my stomach I was when the previous conversation ended, and I just would not lie. I said that yes, I’d most certainly keep private anything we discuss (I do with all my friends) but if confronted I could not, would not lie. Ever.

So praise Our Eucharistic Lord, the situation seems resolved. I’m just now re-thinking my feelings about her. I mean, it seemed SO EASY for her to put me in the spot that she did; I’d have NEVER guessed that about her. 😦
 
Isn’t the Holy Spirit amazing? I’m glad that this seems to have turned around for you…and for your friendship. I just hope that she rethinks what *she is *doing…😦
 
You know, the more I think about it, the more I’m feeling like I’m going to distance myself from this friend. For some reason this has just turned my guts inside-out today. I don’t need to be carrying someone else’s monkey on my back–that’s exactly what this feels like. I know she called and apologized, but I just can’t believe she’d pervert my friendship like this. The fact that she seemed to expect me to be her “gatekeeper” (for lack of a better word) brings up a whole host of dysfunctional family issues when my parents expected me to do the same thing in my youth.

Thanks for letting me talk this through. . .
 
twosweetgirls said:
You know, the more I think about it, the more I’m feeling like I’m going to distance myself from this friend. For some reason this has just turned my guts inside-out today. I don’t need to be carrying someone else’s monkey on my back–that’s exactly what this feels like. I know she called and apologized, but I just can’t believe she’d pervert my friendship like this. The fact that she seemed to expect me to be her “gatekeeper” (for lack of a better word) brings up a whole host of dysfunctional family issues when my parents expected me to do the same thing in my youth.

Thanks for letting me talk this through. . .
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I know how you feel. I have some good friends who partake in sinful activities. It was either hang out with them or choose Christ. I chose Christ. It’s not always easy because of the glamour of evil but I had to remove myself from the situation. God Bless my friend.
 
"twosweetgirls:
She said how inappropriate it was for her to do that to me, and that gave me a chance to tell her how much I loved her as a friend but I absolutely would not lie for her.
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twosweetgirls said:
You know, the more I think about it, the more I’m feeling like I’m going to distance myself from this friend…I don’t need to be carrying someone else’s monkey on my back–that’s exactly what this feels like. I know she called and apologized, but I just can’t believe she’d pervert my friendship like this. The fact that she seemed to expect me to be her “gatekeeper” (for lack of a better word) brings up a whole host of dysfunctional family issues when my parents expected me to do the same thing in my youth…
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Hold on a second!

You mean she was repentive for putting you in a bad position and now you are going to run to the hills and abandon who you just got through saying you loved as a friend? :confused:

Think about what you just got through doing here. I’m not saying you need to be this woman’s best friend, and perhaps she was trying to use you. But she did come forward and repent. She apologized for doing this to you. The context is unclear as to whether this apology was sincere or not. If she was sincere, why abandon her? Are you running away from this situation because it seems too difficult for you to handle? If the apology was insincere, then maybe that changes my impression a little. Perhaps you could clarify?

Who needs Christ the most - the dysfunctional who need a friend during a dark hour, or the functional who have no need for Christ?
 
How about the incident that she wanted you to lie about?

Have you helped her as a friend to be at rights with God/her husband? i.e. apart form praying for her, if Catholic, asking her to go to the Sacrament of Reconcilaition?
 
Yikes, Holy Thread Resurrection, Batman. :eek:

The situation has since resolved itself, thanks though. 🙂
 
twosweetgirls said:
Sure hope this is the right place to ask this. . .

I have a friend whom I suspect is/was having an affair. She’s never outright told me that’s what it was, rather, it was what she “wasn’t” saying–her moods and depressed feelings over “this certain friend” (as she called it) and needing prayer to get over “it” (as she referred to the situation). Some days she’d call me saying she was doing just great with “it”, other days she’d call me in tears. I’ve never pressed for details, and have prayed for her and listened to her as she’s needed.

So fast forward to today, when she told me she was meeting “this certain friend” and was going to “be done with it”–she wanted me to pray for her for strength to get over this. Well, she just called and said “it’s over” and felt as light and free as a bird. However, she says she’ll be crying many tears over “it” and that the forthcoming week will surely be not as pleasant as she feels right now.

My problem? She just asked if she could use me in a lie. “I need you as a cover-up”, she told me. Seriously, this really came as a shock to me; I never thought I’d be placed in such a position. In fact, she said “I hate having to put you in this position”. She said that if it ever came up with her husband or whomever, that I was supposed to say something like “oh yeah, we had a great visit that day” or whatever. Stuttering, and completely thrown for a loop, I said something lame like “well, you and I talk all the time, so it likely won’t come up anyway”.

But now? I feel like I’m a part of something I want NO part of. Like I said, she’s never outright told me that an affair was her “it” issue, but I put two and two together, you know? And something else, I feel incredibly used. Plus, does this now make me a part of moral sin, and must I confess this? I didn’t think about that last part until I got off the phone; I don’t think very well on my feet when confronted like this.

Doggone-it to pete, I hate feeling like this, and hate the position she’s now put me in! Whatever advice or (name removed by moderator)ut you can give would be MOST appreciated.
Click to expand...
Well, you haven’t covered for her yet, so I don’t think that makes you a part of her alleged sin.

It’s ok to go back and say, “I’ve given it some thought and I’m not comfortable with you using my name for any of this and if your husband asks, I have to tell the truth.”

I was put in an ethical pickle (of my own doing) on a much smaller scale. My neighbor had been doing her husband’s online school work for about a month because he had already shipped his laptop back to the states in preparation for his return. Always trying to be a helpful person, I offered assistance with an online psychology exam. Then I offered to write a music appreciation journal entry for them. Where my brain was…I can’t tell ya. But it finally dawned on them that they were CHEATING (sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake…lol)…and I just voluntarily helped them do it.

The next day, I took the book back and said I wasn’t comfortable doing this even though I said I would. Then I prayed (though now that I think about it…I think I forgot to bring it up in confessional…yikes).
 
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