Is this normal or am I depressed?

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LorilopezInneed

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I have felt that my marriage has been gloomy for a long time. Tonight just really stunk. Am I We went out to dinner… He sat on his smartphone the whole time. He’s had a cold… And seems quieter than normal because of it. Then, he came home and fell asleep on the couch watching tv… I woke him up and told him I was going to bed. We climbed into bed and I put on my normal lotion. It’s very good. Called “sensual”. He said "did you just put lotion on? I said yes… Somewhat seductively. He said. It’s making me sick to my stomach.

I just feel alone.
 
I still think you both have a communication problem, and I encourage both to star praying together, reading the bible together, and perhaps consider counseling.
 
I don’t think you’re depressed. I think you need to sit down and tell him seriously how you have been feeling.
 
Is this typical behavior of your husband or was he acting that way because he was feeling ill? I tend to agree with you that his behavior to you wasn’t particularly loving tonight, but if he was truly feeling ill, maybe he was at partly excusable. Perhaps your lotion was really making him feel sick to his stomach - that would be a turn-off for anyone.

Now, if your husband regularly acts this way towards you, I would definitely agree with you. I really relate to the whole Smartphone thing… Sometimes I feel like the “other woman” in the relationship!:mad: Being ignored at length on a “date” by the love of your life is quite a slap in the face. Often, to keep my sanity on those dates I will imagine Jesus sitting by my side. There’s always the ladies room to slip into if you truly need to be alone…

I wish I had more advice on how to deal with this, aside from counseling (from a priest/counselor) and prayer… Please be assured of my prayers!
 
Hi, Lori. I’m in agreement with the other posters, but consider this. When we don’t feel well, things that normally wouldn’t bother us, in actuality, often do bother us. Fragrances and odors can be terribly overpowering when we have respiratory problems or conditions relating to the nasal passages. Been there; done that. Smells CAN cause one to feel sick to the point of vomiting.

Please see a counselor, even if your husband won’t go. Put down on paper your likes and dislikes about your situation in two columns and leave a third column to write down how YOU can change the items in the dislikes column. If you dislike the way he helps in the kitchen, for example, what can YOU do to facilitate the change you’d like to see?

I’m getting the feeling that your husband is unaware of some of the things that bother you, or, at least, the extent to which you’re bothered.

When ever you’re miffed, disappointed, hurt, or feeling contemptuous toward him, ask yourself how important this issue would be if he died that day. Next week? Change the things NOW that you’d change (for your words or actions in the marriage) if you learned that he’d died. The reality is that he COULD die soon. None of us has a blank check for our time here, and all of our days are numbered. Please try to recapture what you once had that made you two anxious to marry.

Understand that I’m not suggesting that your husband isn’t contributing to your dissatisfaction, but if you start a 180 degree turnaround in your attitude toward him, and do your best to be congenial and smile, it may take him a few weeks to believe you’re for real, so you’ll have to be consistent, but, if you do that, and keep it up, NO MATTER WHAT he says or does, he WILL gradually change. The honeymoon may be over, but it need not be forgotten. Best wishes to you both.
 
Hi Lori,

I sense your pain and disillusionment and I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

I’ve been married to my wife for 11 glorious years now. Although it may sound strange, I actually THANK GOD most of all for the worst times (although I don’t feel this way when I’m in the midst of them!). When I look back, I see clearly that these were the times when I learned how to exercise REAL LOVE: how to will the good of my wife for HER SAKE ALONE with NOTHING coming back to me; how to love GOD by being faithful to the vow I made before Him even when I feel I can justify to Him and to others my walking away from that vow.

I recognise that the times when it is hardest to remain faithful and to LOVE my wife (not to have feelings of ‘love’ for her but to ACT out of love for her) are permitted by God as a massive Grace. They sanctify me. They teach me to deny myself out of love for another, just as Jesus did for me when I deserved nothing but condemnation for the horror of my sins. They are the perfect opportunity to give an unquestionable proof of love for my wife and for God. And the incredible thing is this, after having loved that way and having allowed for time to pass, I recognise that it is MY selfishness that often causes the problems in the first place. Talk about the deception of pride! After many years of going through this, God has shown me that my wife is actually a living saint and that I needed to change.

I’ve also seen an unmistakable pattern: that Satan has always been there to provide a million ways I could perfectly rationalise abandoning my marriage in these tough moments. He is relentless: He hates marriage because it is a visible sign of the inner life and love of the Blessed Trinity. My advice: do not dwell on the suggestions He will surely put in your mind, not even for a moment. PRAY for Mother Mary’s intercession to be faithful. PRAY the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and meditate on Jesus’ Passion - His example of Love for all of us when we least deserved it. With that REAL LOVE in your mind (love for one’s ENEMIES: harder than love for someone who we feel may not treat us as well as we ideally wish) go and act out of THAT LOVE towards your husband. Speaking from my own experience, it will sanctify both you and him.

Once that REAL love is there - Christ like love - the feelings often follow. And at the times when they may not be there - and they won’t always be - you will face the tough times with confidence that you can follow the example of Love Incarnate and be ready to stand before Him. I’ll pray for you.

P.S. Can I also suggest a brilliant DVD resource? It’s called ‘The Gift’ by Christopher West. I believe that Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body is one of the greatest gifts from the Church to married couples in our time.
 
I would tell him that it bothers me for him to be on his phone like that. he could have been nauseated over the lotion but just ask him why. tell him the way he answered was hurtful. He probably is clueless that it hurt you, I know my hubby can be so I pout and sigh haha.
 
Lord, Lori and her husband need Your help,
she because she is lacking the love and kindness that she should receive from her husband,:hug1:
he because he is manifesting as insensitive, disrespectful, and distant.
Please send the Holy Spirit into this marriage with wisdom, healing and love.
Mother Mary please intercede for tenderness, respect, and love in this marriage
 
Am I the only one who is wondering why the OP tried to seduce her husband when it was clear he wasn’t feeling well?
 
I said it somewhat seductively… But I was not actively seducing him. We rarely have sex anyway. Trust me … I was not seducing a sick man.
 
LorilopezInneed said:
I said it somewhat seductively… But I was not actively seducing him. We rarely have sex anyway. Trust me … I was not seducing a sick man.
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Good to know. Honestly, it sounds like you two have work ahead of you and I don’t think this forum is the answer. You two should get some counseling…start with yourself.

And I’m sorry that this is happening in your marriage.
 
Is it possible that your husband is the one who is depressed? From what you’ve said, he seems to have some of the symptoms.
 
When we were first married, my husband taught me to avoid a very common error, called gunnysacking, and it has helped us very much. Gunnysacking is when you take several problems, stuff them in a sack, and then drag them out together to deal with them. It is overwhelming to you to look into that sack, and it is doubly overwhelming for the other person to have you dump the sack on them. So…the first thing to do is to look at each thing one thing at a time. Trying to take it on all at once can make matters much worse.
  1. Your marriage is feeling gloomy. That’s an issue to talk about. If either or both of you are depressed, this can be a physical proclivity that is just looking for a reason. You know…“if I feel this lousy, something just has to be really wrong.” Well, yes, but it isn’t always something out there. Sometimes it is something medical, sometimes it is something else. So when you’re feeling gloomy, be careful that you don’t project that gloominess onto things that compound it, but didn’t cause it. Rather, trace back to where the gloominess started, and be willing to treat it as a condition that has a diagnosis and that, in all likelihood, also has a treatment.
  2. He sat on his smartphone all through dinner. That’s rude. If it was necessary for some reason, which is possible, you need advance warning that this might happen on your night out. You deserve a play-by-play at least of why it is you are being asked to tolerate that, and assurance that it will not go on for a keystroke longer than necessary. Most of all, you deserve an apology, and great praise for your forbearance at putting up with this imposition. That is if its necessary. If it isn’t necessary, the gadget needs to go away at meals and any time the phone owner is having private time with a real human being right in front of them.
  3. He’s had a cold… And seems quieter than normal because of it. Then, he came home and fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Maybe it is the cold, maybe it isn’t, maybe he’s also got some other medical or personal issue. This is something that needs ongoing communication. Ask “are you feeling any better?” from time to time, and if he’s really out of it when you have a date planned, offer to re-schedule the night out. If he’s really no companion, you ought to all but insist on re-scheduling. No one is going to enjoy it. The best that can happen is that you’ll spend the money but won’t come home with a memory that is outstanding in its awfulness.
  4. We climbed into bed and I put on my normal lotion. It’s very good. Called “sensual”. He said "did you just put lotion on? I said yes… Somewhat seductively. He said. It’s making me sick to my stomach. Does he think this lotion is very good, or just you? I’m not saying you can’t put on scents that make you feel sexy, but if it doesn’t smell like a freshly-baked cookie or a pumpkin pie, research shows that a man may not find it something particularly arousing. I used to like that kind of thing, but my husband can’t tolerate it. I don’t even buy laundry detergent with scents in it any more. (And he was just about as rudely blunt as could be the first time he told me that my “sexy” perfume was giving him a headache. We still joke about it, because he thinks it is a wonder I didn’t dump him over it.)
  5. You feel alone. That is not good. It does happen in marriage from time to time. I think it was Fr. Ron Rolheiser who said that feeling lonely in a bed alone is nothing as bad as feeling lonely in a bed with someone else. I am going to leave you, though, with a joke I think may have some relevance. I’ve posted it here before, but if it applies, then things aren’t so bad. Every married person to whom I’ve passed it on to seems to think it hilarious.
Wife’s Diary Entry: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I asked him what was wrong. “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, but I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely; he just sat there quietly and watched TV. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I’m almost sure his thoughts were with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s diary entry: A five putt. Who the H&$L* five putts?*

Levity aside, I’d suggest finding a book by John Gottman at your local library, such as Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, checking it out and reading it. I’d also see if you can find the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, which is a very good book for recognizing loving overtures from your spouse or ways of making your spouse see your overtures at loving that you might otherwise miss. As you educate yourself about how to ride through the down periods of marriage and about the sorts of problems that can truly be fatal to a marriage, you’ll have a better idea about whether you could profit from some marriage counselling if things don’t start to brighten up. Reading the books first will also make you a bit easier for your counsellor to educate, should find you need outside help to get back on track. Also, look at depression web sites and try some of the things suggested for healthy self-coping with depression. Even if you have nothing that needs medication, you might profit greatly from finding that a bad mood is something you can address yourself.
 
Hello.
I do not think you are depressed. I think that most marriages go through times when we feel distant, unapreciated and take one another for granted.

I also think we all go through times in our life when we are less than happy. We may be a little depressed but I think it is normal. It seems common to label situational unhappiness and transient depression as abnormal and there is such a tendency for those feelings to be medicated unnecessarily when we might be able to work through it.

I agree with the suggestions for counseling. If nothing else it may help to improve communication between the two of you.

I can really relate to your post. My husband and are having similar issues. I hope and pray that we can get through this and move on to better times and I hope and pray for that for you and your husband as well.

You are not alone in the lotion thing.🙂 I love bath and body works lotions and have several favorites. I have learned to avoid putting them on at bedtime. I have bought special mild cocoa butter lotion to wear to bed that does not seem to disturb him as much and I save the perfumy lotions he hates for the daytime. Maybe you can try something like that. I know it hurts when you take the time to get all clean, pretty and soft before getting in bed and instead of complements for your efforts you receive complaints. But most likely it really just bothers him when he is trying to sleep. By the way, when i am feeling ornery or annoyed sometimes I put on my favorite lotion anyway. Not very nice of me but I must admit I have done it:)

I will pray for you and your husband.
 
EasterJoy said:
Wife’s Diary Entry: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I asked him what was wrong. “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, but I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely; he just sat there quietly and watched TV. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I’m almost sure his thoughts were with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s diary entry: A five putt. Who the H&$L** five putts?.
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:rotfl: Hilarious, and also so true in my own marriage.

To the OP, I don’t know if this is what’s happening, but I do have near nauseous feelings sometimes when my hb puts on aftershave. So maybe it really is true about the smell bothering him. 🤷 My advice is: let it go. Forgive the comment.

For feeling lonely, I sure have felt lonely in my marriage at times. It is something to talk about and see if you can come up with some ideas to work on. Other people have better practical ideas, so I am saying a prayer for you.
 
AnneTeresa said:
To the OP, I don’t know if this is what’s happening, but I do have near nauseous feelings sometimes when my hb puts on aftershave. So maybe it really is true about the smell bothering him. 🤷 My advice is: let it go. Forgive the comment.
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I’d ask about it. It is kind of sad when one partner is doing something to please the other, and the other is merely tolerating a gesture that they don’t like because they don’t have the heart to say a bad word about a gesture obviously meant to please or a habit that perhaps the spouse enjoys herself. I say that it’s sad because a mutually-enjoyable alternative can usually be found. The OP might say: “I know that lotion was not doing it for you when you were feeling sick, but when you’re not feeling sick, what do you think about the scent of that lotion? Is it nice, or nice but too strong, or not that nice, or only nice because I’m obviously happy when I wear it, or what do you think? Be honest, I don’t want to have to wonder about whether I’m being sexy. I want to know!”
 
EasterJoy said:
I’d ask about it. It is kind of sad when one partner is doing something to please the other, and the other is merely tolerating a gesture that they don’t like because they don’t have the heart to say a bad word about a gesture obviously meant to please or a habit that perhaps the spouse enjoys herself. I say that it’s sad because a mutually-enjoyable alternative can usually be found. The OP might say: “I know that lotion was not doing it for you when you were feeling sick, but when you’re not feeling sick, what do you think about the scent of that lotion? Is it nice, or nice but too strong, or not that nice, or only nice because I’m obviously happy when I wear it, or what do you think? Be honest, I don’t want to have to wonder about whether I’m being sexy. I want to know!”
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Oh, yes! You are correct. I didn’t mean not to talk about it just not to get hung up on being hurt over it and read something into it that wasn’t there. I wasn’t very clear.
 
AnneTeresa said:
Oh, yes! You are correct. I didn’t mean not to talk about it just not to get hung up on being hurt over it and read something into it that wasn’t there. I wasn’t very clear.
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I meant my comment as an addendum, not a correction! 👍
 
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