Is this normal?

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Thank you for your feedback. I went to therapy today and really gained some valuable insight. I asked the therapist/pastor if my husband was willing to change… Long term… If I’d ever be able to see him as “my husband” in a good way again… I mentioned that I just see him as a broken person who I’m constantly having to check up on and save… And he said, well have you EVER seen him as “your husband”? The answer is no… Not in the way I wanted to see “a husband”. I see that person as the protector… The teammate who has my back. He wasn’t that way from the beginning and I suppose that’s the way life will continue.

It was an excellent question and one that provoked an answer to my main issue. I just can’t count on him. I don’t think that will ever change unfortunately.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
The OP does not have a communication problem. She has a loser, irresponsible husband problem.

I imagine it’s awfully hard to express an affirmation of love for someone as you watch them behave so irresponsibly that they threaten your job and drive you into bankruptcy.
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I’m sorry, what I meant was did you point out in as gentle a voice as possible that his assertion was inaccurate, that it presupposed that you don’t love him.
 
martinah said:
I have read this entire thread and I just wanted to help by giving you a piece of information about what I have seen in myself and others. People tend to live in themes and symbols. I know that that seems weird but bear with me. The life themes that one often lives by are there to be informative and/or instructional and if you are aware of them, you can usually learn about yourself and grow from them. When I read your descriptions about your husband and his behaviors, the theme that comes to mind is ‘detachment’. I hate to use the vernacular of pop-psychology, but he just does not seem “plugged in”; in marriage, in parenthood and, now apparently, work. Why is he like that? When was the first time that you know of that he ‘detached’ in this way? Maybe it was something he did before he even met you? Its important to know when we did something for the first time because often the first time we engage in a behaviour, the behaviour gets its meaning or its purpose. For example, if he ‘detached’ for the first time when he was a child, he may have done it to avoid a painful situation or a difficulty and now, as an adult, he continues the behaviour during any times of difficulty–even when its not appropriate or beneficial to do so. You see what I mean? I think he needs help with his inability to be ‘plugged in’ and you need to stop being good at helping him check out (by pulling up his slack). Counseling is probably the only way you two are going to work through your difficulties.

BTW, for what its worth, separation does not help people learn how to be together unless there are issues of immediate safety at play. Just my two cents.

Take care,
Martina
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Spot on Martina!
 
I agree that there is detachment. Through my last therapy session… We outlined some of this. Every time I try and talk about an issue… He gets mad and shuts down. He ignores issues and responds to difficult situations with anger or avoidance.

Here is the issue. I asked my husband to help me understand more about where he and his actions come from. He said “I don’t even want to learn where I’m coming from. I don’t want to think about it”.

And last week I posted here about how he didn’t get home in time to watch our kids when I was watching them on my work dinner break. We discussed it. He said he was sorry and that his work ran long and he got distracted. So one would think THAt would make him rethink that, right?

Well yesterday… He was gone working on a work project with a colleague. I was off work but he told me that he would be home at noon. Then I got a text saying he would be gone until 1:30. That was fine. I understood. When did he show up? 4pm. Said the project “went long”.

It just seems to me that he could care less how he treats me no matter how I’ve handled previous situations.

I don’t think a man like him can change because he won’t even try.
 
I should also point out that he does not get paid by the hour!

My husband has fantastic freelance opportunities in addition to his full time day job. I had encouraged him to pitch a project to a local businessman. This was when he was still unemployed. Then the businessman bought into it… After my husband got hired for his full time day job (the one that appears to be close to ending). So instead of tackling the freelance project he pitched… He gave it to a colleage. So instead of making 1000.00 he will make 200 … For the referral. AND he has spent at least 30 hours so far telling/showing his friend how to do the project. So he gave the money/project away but he is still “working on it” and consistently telling me that he’s unavailable to be home on time… All for a project that HE should have taken on… Himself.
 
LorilopezInneed said:
I don’t think a man like him can change because he won’t even try.
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He won’t try until he sees that he is part of a bigger picture and that he’s a big part of the problem. It’s difficult being both the wife and “husband” in a marriage. I’ve been there, done that.

I will be praying for you and your family.
 
Malt mom did you have success in changing your relationship… Or did it have to end?
 
LorilopezInneed said:
Malt mom did you have success in changing your relationship… Or did it have to end?
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It ended when he wouldn’t give up the “other woman” and the other women he spoke to on-line. That was the final straw for me. He didn’t see that he had a problem. I was responsible for everything. In the two years we were married he only changed out one light bulb in the house and that was because I couldn’t reach it. If he wanted something it didn’t matter if we couldn’t afford it, he had to have it. In his mind he was #1 and everyone else including God were a distant 2nd. When I tried to talk to him about going into counseling he told me that if he had to go into counseling it wasn’t worth it.
 
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. I really am. Was the break up hard for you? I am still very scared of falling apart emotionally … There will be a lot of backlash. And most people wouldn’t believe what I deal with…
 
Thank you.

There were some very difficult times the first couple of months after I threw him out and filed for divorce. People started coming forward to tell me things about his past that I didn’t know. I almost threw up when I found out he’d been married and divorced 5 times. He was on facebook having cyber-sex with women he met. He even came on in a subtle way. They told me after the fact. What we had wasn’t a marriage. He told me we were just “roommates” not too long after our honeymoon. He was using me to support him. Every fiber of my being was hurt, but I stayed strong in my faith. When all of the truth came out I felt stupid for trusting him. He even had his two grown daughters lie for him. The people who knew him because of me were shocked at the man he turned out to be. They were concerned for my safety. They were concerned that he brought me to the point of bankruptcy. They were concerned that after a year and a half he was still driving by my house and office.

I worked very hard to maintain what dignity I had left. It’s been 2 years now. Recently I overheard a friend telling someone how she admired me b/c I handled the whole situation with dignity and class. From day one I didn’t hold on to anger and bitterness. I forgave him b/f he moved out. I did these things for me, not him.

I’m here for you if you. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

God Bless!
 
Thanks so much for your insight. Again I’m SO sorry you had to deal with such awful circumstances. I can’t imagine the pain. I do think you should be proud of yourself for how you’ve handled it and remained so strong. I’m not so sure I could be that strong.

I know my husband is not nearly as evil as what you described. My husband can be caring and downright perfect at times. It makes me so confused because I often feel that I’m living with two different people. He will be sweet and kind as he tells me he is unavailable to help me with an issue or life complication. It would be so much easier if he was always a jerk.

He makes dinners … Gives me unrequested neck rubs… Cleans…

But when the crud hits the fan …and I need him to help me get the kids or something… He is simply unavailable. When doctors thought I had cancer and I was going back for a CT scan… He wasnt able to get away from work. Maybe I’m just too demanding. But I think most on here have agreed that I’m not asking for anything out of the ordinary.
 
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