Is this online "friendship" breaking 6th or 10th commandments?

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bibliophila

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So, I used to post on the prior version of this forum under another name. I wasn’t sure if I could get that back, and I am too embarrassed to post under it, anyway. I used to be very Catholic-curious but the abuse scandals really set me back. But I certainly do hold to what I see as basic Christian morality, the Ten Commandments, etc.

Anyway, I “met” a gentleman online last year who I really got along with. At first, I didn’t know he was married. I don’t think he was trying to hide it, it just never came up. A few months into our friendship I did find out he had a wife, and felt rather disappointed, but figured it best to step back and limit our interactions.

However, a few months ago, I got sucked into this friendship again, and even more intensely than before. We have also had off-line interactions via cell phone / texting. This is NOT “sexting”, I don’t think we’ve ever discussed sexual topics at all, but every time I get attention from him, I get a little emotional thrill. It has gotten to the point that I have started to have fantasies about kissing him. I think the lockdown has actually kept me from being tempted to suggest we meet up in person. But it seems that will be ending soon in my region.

I know what the right thing is to do here, and I have tried again to step away, but I am going through a lot of stress right now, and the idea of totally giving him up, makes me very sad, as he is one of the few highlights of my life right now. I am also feeling a lot of guilt and shame. Any advice would be appreciated.
 
bibliophila said:
At first, I didn’t know he was married. I don’t think he was trying to hide it, it just never came up.
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As a married woman, this is one of the first things I would make clear to any man I met. Not in an overt way, but I would mention my husband so that it was clear. It is just something a married person would normally do if his marriage is important to him.

This man is using you. He is married and off-limits and he did not make that clear in the beginning, and that was totally wrong of him.

Even if it is not physical, you would not be feeling like it is a highlight if he weren’t giving you something he should be reserving for his wife.
 
How would you feel about your husband having the same conversations with a woman you’ve never met?
 
bibliophila said:
It has gotten to the point that I have started to have fantasies about kissing him.
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Yeah, time to say goodbye. You’re having an emotional affair with this guy, and he is married.
This will lead to no good.

If you’re lonely, you can and should look online for a guy who is not married. This is not the last man in the universe who you will hit it off with.
 
bibliophila said:
At first, I didn’t know he was married.
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Well, now you do!
bibliophila said:
A few months into our friendship I did find out he had a wife, and felt rather disappointed, but figured it best to step back and limit our interactions.
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That was the right choice. Your conscience served you well there. You should have stuck with that.
bibliophila said:
I got sucked into this friendship again, and even more intensely than before.
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Not surprising! You gave into temptation. This is the sort of thing that happens when we give in to the wrong we want to do.
bibliophila said:
I don’t think we’ve ever discussed sexual topics at all, but every time I get attention from him, I get a little emotional thrill. It has gotten to the point that I have started to have fantasies about kissing him.
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So… you know this is wrong. You knew it was when you first decided to give up the relationship. And, yes, you have entered into a relationship with a married man.
bibliophila said:
I know what the right thing is to do here, and I have tried again to step away, but I am going through a lot of stress right now…
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Of course you know what the right thing is to do. No amount of excuses or justifications is going to make it ok to be keeping company with someone else’s husband!
bibliophila said:
I am also feeling a lot of guilt and shame. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Your conscience isn’t going to leave you alone. You don’t need our advice. Do what you knew you should have done from the beginning. No matter how difficult. This man is not free to be in a relationship with anyone but his wife whether that relationship is emotional or physical or both. Stop. It. Now.
 
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Have you interacted with his wife?

You don’t necessarily have to be friends with her, but to make this a better situation, there should at be two-way acknowledgement.
 
There is such a thing as an emotional affair, even if no physical intimacy is involved, and that sounds like what is happening here. This married man should not be cultivating a close friendship with a woman other than his wife, even if all the interaction is online – especially when this friendship has led to you having fantasies about kissing him.

It will be difficult for you, but the best thing you can do for him and his wife is to break off contact with this man. Block his phone number if necessary. At least, that’s my opinion. But I’m not sure how helpful it is, since it sounds like you already know you need to do this, but it’s hard to do.
 
its wrong plain and simple and nothing good will come out of it.
 
In my experience I believe that this guy intentionally did not tell you about his wife so as to reel you in. It is highly inappropriate for a married man to ring a woman up and have conversations on the phone with someone he’s met on the internet.

The whole set up is based on fantasy and is extremely disrespectful to his wife. You want to kiss him? Why? Is this a man with the integrity you desire in a romantic partner? i.e. would you be happy for him to call a woman and pester them to talk again if they found out about you if you were together?
 
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I’d go another step and would not be surprised if this man tells our OP “My wife does not understand me anymore.”
 
Yes @TheLittleLady I agree and I expect his wife’s response would be to that, “that I understand him too well!”

It’s actually pretty amazing that woman fall for such a line these days but I also understand that stress and depression can make you hold out for a love line which actually isn’t there and that’s how these men get woman suckered in.
 
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