Is this wrong?

[kyrie80]

You are living in a sinful situation. It is a sin to live with someone as husband and wife and not be married to them. You or your ex-girlfriend need to move out as soon as possible. You are not responsible for supporting her or her child. It is wonderful that you have taken an interest in her child, but, he is not YOUR child, and needs to bond with his biological father. It is time for you to end this relationship for good and move on.

I agree wholeheartedly with you latter point. However, would your first point still be true if they were not living as husband and wife? In other words, if he were sleeping on the couch or in a different bedroom? Certainly there would be temptation, and it also gives the wrong impression to others by creating a potential scandalous situation in the eyes of others, but would his actually be considered sinful.

If they were living as they were before, then I would definitely agree. And, despite the relationship problems the OP described, it would seem that given the long-term nature of the relationship between the two of them, it would be quite easy–due to the bond between them–to fall back into “living together” role. I guess to some it up, I would say that it is not necessarily a sin (provided they are not living cojugally), but perhaps putting themselves into a near occasion of sin.

Either way, I agree–he needs to get out. This isn’t his wife–she is a girlfried with a child that is not his responsibility.

 

[JRKH]

I have found out that living with a woman before I’m married is wrong (a sin?) but the problem is I still live with my ex (we broke up a few weeks ago) for two reasons the first being, neither of us can afford for the other to move out, or to move out. The second being she has a young son from a previous relationship (4 years old) and I can’t even think about moving out until I know that he (and my ex) will be ok and they won’t struggle finacally, because I know I’m not his biological father but I have been a parent figure to him for 3 1/2 years now (since I was 19) and I have always loved him as if he were my own son, so I don’t think he should have to suffer for/because of my sins (or his mothers) he is an innocent child and I think it is right to stay and make sure he will be ok before I move out. What do you think? -Aaron

Aaron…This is a tricky situation for which there is no cut and dry answer…

As I understand it from other conversations, you are living in the same house but not the same bed…You are living a chaste life. Correct me if I’m wrong here…

So long as you are not sharing a bed (and marital relations) you are not committing the sin of adultery. In fact I cannot think of a specific sin that you ARE committing so long as you keep sleeping on the couch…

However - your continuing to live there still has problems:

1. It is an opportunity for scandal. In other words what others think or conclusions they might draw. In your case and (former) crowd (mainly non-believers) this might not be a big issue, but still you should consider how it will effect your reputation down the line as you continue in your journey toward God.
2. It is a “near occasion of sin”. This can come about just from the near proximity of the living arrangements.

Please do seek to extricate yourself from this situation ASAP. I know that you love and want to help the little guy and I truly admire you for it, but still - you need to get out - for your own good. you can still try to be there for the boy…

Peace
James

 

[Blossoming]

I am not sure that I think it is a sin exactly, you should consult a priest.

But I think that since you know you aren’t going to marry her and raise that child to 18, while I understand that you don’t want to hurt him I believe that staying will actually hurt him more. This child will become more attached to you over more time and make you leaving even more painful.

You are not personally responsible for fixing the lives solely and exclusively of every person who has problems that you run into in your life. This is a boundary issue in psychology and possibly you might want short term therapy on how to recognize and set appropriate boundaries regarding interaction with others. Staying with a woman who constantly cheats on you speaks to that same boundary issue. The answer to this lies more in psychotherapy than religion.

I think as a budding Catholic there is much you can do to help, should you want to help. You could move out and send her money, buy things from her child or actions like that from a distance. I still think that would not really be doing the child a favor as eventually she or you are going to create another relationship down the line. My opinion is that continuing the father-son short term relationship for pretend and just for now, is going to be more long-term harmful than helpful.

You can also pray for this woman, pray for all single mothers, pray for children in poverty or bad circumstances or give to charities that help people like this. I think for me personally, this is the direction I would go in your shoes.

Take care, God bless.

 

[Blossoming]

I wanted to add too, because I read a lot of posts like this, that many non-Catholics think all Catholics are somehow required to take care of every individual that demands that of them. Clearly the people presenting like that have zero idea what Catholicism actually means.

Enabling people isn’t helping people. Things like stating that forgiving others means you have to let them continue to sin against them or you are a sinner is completely fantasy and off-base. If someone steals from you, you are not obliged to forgive them like a doormat and then let them steal from you some more out of fear of mortal sin because you don’t forgive enough. You are obligated to call the police to protect that person from their own wrong actions and to protect yourself and vulnerable others.

Forgiving is one thing, and can happen after a sincere apology, making amends or atonement and then letting time pass. Forgiving others doesn’t mean you have to be a patsy. The sin is on the other person who continues to sin and expects everyone else to keep forgiving them even though they don’t change their behavior. In psychological terms, such a person would be a narcissist and probably incurable. The best thing and the Catholic thing to do about situations you can’t change but that can create occasions to make you fall from grace is to avoid those people and those situations, not to let them walk all over you.

This child is not your responsibilty and there is nothing you can do to fix his life with a mother like that. I think you should pray for her to become a better person, then let God take it over.

 

[Aaron1988]

For me the reason I forgave her is because when I love someone I love them no matter what they do, I don’t know why but the feeling of when you first start dating someone or you first kiss them never goes away and I continue to get that feeling throughout the relationship no matter what they do I can’t help feeling compleatly in love with them which is why I forgave her, not because I felt I obligated to, nor because I felt that I would be sinning (I was aetheist at the time) but because I was still compleatly, head of heels in love with her.

I do not, however, feel in love with her anymore and I avoid and will continue to avoid being in close proximity to her physically (platonically) by doing things such as sitting the other side of the room to her, always making sure she is at least a couple of arms length away from me if we are in the same room (such as the kitchen).

There never has and never will be a chance of me being physically close to her (in the conjugal sense) ever again as I don’t drink any more (never even had a hangover, as I very rarely drank but as I don’t really see the point in drinking alcohol I compleately gave up drinking almost a year ago), I have never and will never even kiss outside of a relationship (let alone sleep with them) and I never ever get back together with exs (you’ve been hurt by them enough the first time why go back for more pain?), so in short there is absolutly, positivly zero percent chance of anything ever happening between us.

Not to mention that I now belive in god and want to follow his plan for my life, and that I am going to stay compleately chaste until I am married.

Thankyou for all your advice it is greatly appreciated as will any continued advice or more comments be.

P.S. Anp, everyone deserves kindness and compassion regardless of what they have done they are still people, and innocent children shouldn’t have to suffer for their parents (or their parents bfs/gfs) sins.

-Aaron

 

[anp1215]

P.S. Anp, everyone deserves kindness and compassion regardless of what they have done they are still people, and innocent children shouldn’t have to suffer for their parents (or their parents bfs/gfs) sins.

-Aaron

Yes, I agree. I didn’t say anything to the contrary.

 

[chipeto]

But I think that since you know you aren’t going to marry her and raise that child to 18, while I understand that you don’t want to hurt him I believe that staying will actually hurt him more. This child will become more attached to you over more time and make you leaving even more painful.

Amen. Been there and done that. Rip your heart right out.

You are not personally responsible for fixing the lives solely and exclusively of every person who has problems that you run into in your life. This is a boundary issue in psychology and possibly you might want short term therapy on how to recognize and set appropriate boundaries regarding interaction with others.

I would add that it can be immoral to try and do so, when it involves taking on roles (husband and father) that are not ours.

 

[Blossoming]

Amen. Been there and done that. Rip your heart right out.

I would add that it can be immoral to try and do so, when it involves taking on roles (husband and father) that are not ours.

I think you are right. I see it as falling under the sin of vanity when you believe you alone can fix the unfixable and have more special ability or power than God, or that it is your job to right every wrong in the world. At the least, it’s misdirected thinking, even if the intent is good, and makes you spend your time that you could be performing useful actions wasted on hopeless causes.

I’m sorry to hear you have been through painful instances regarding separating from children. That’s a tough one. Best wishes to you and God bless.