Issues with my ex-girlfriend again

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PaulDT

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This is a follow-up to this thread : I wish I could care for my ex-girlfriend but I don't know if I should - #10 by PaulDT
Guys, I feel so powerless and sad right now. I resolved to cut any contact with my ex-girlfriend as I had no intent to get back together and it would just hurt her more if I did. So I did my best to cut ties, but today she managed to have me read a message into which she poured her heart, saying how she feels abandoned and all the terrible things she is doing to herself as a result. I have very good reasons to believe that her life is in actual danger, and so I just asked her mother to watch on her. As a result, she resents me even more for bringing someone else into this and refusing to answer her at all.
I feel so hopeless. I had been praying for her every single day. I thought I had the strength to trust God and His Saints that they would open up her heart to His love and solace. But now even after coming back from a St Ignatius retreat week, I have found myself failing at this test of faith, and telling someone else a secret about her that I was not supposed to tell. I feel like I have failed everyone who was expecting something of me in this ordeal. I don’t know what to do but to ask advice from one priest whom I have been pointed to as a potential spiritual director, but it could be days before I can see him and I am so worried. If anything serious happened, I would resent myself for the rest of my life.

Please if you have time left in your prayers, pray to Saint Therese for her. Thanks a lot and God bless you.
 
You did the right thing by telling her mother. I’ve done the same thing before with an ex, her safety is more important than a secret and I’m sure if something bad had happened to her you would regret not telling anybody. I believe that this message getting through to you had to happen as God needed someone to secure safety for her. God is looking out for this young girl and protecting her, praise be! As to whether you have failed this test, only God can know for sure, but you haven’t commited any sins here.

I know sometimes in Catholic circles past relationships can be made out to seem easy to dismiss as long as you didn’t have sex, but when you deeply care for someone and things end this way it is so hard. It isn’t wrong to care for your ex so much, you’d be devastated as for any friend or family member I’m sure.

I will pray for you, please pray for me in my relationship too.

God bless
 
What do you mean “she managed to have me read a message?” How does that happen if you cut all ties with her?

Anyway, you did the right thing by telling her mother, but this time, that really needs to be it.
You cannot move on, and neither can she, if you two do this dance every once in a while. Her life will go on without you in it, but you really need to let her go completely.
 
PaulDT said:
I have very good reasons to believe that her life is in actual danger, and so I just asked her mother to watch on her. As a result, she resents me even more for bringing someone else into this and refusing to answer her at all.
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You did the right thing. Her family needed to be alerted and they can provide care for her and get a professional involved.

I know you feel guilty, but this is pretty high level manipulation on her part and you cannot have a relationship based on being afraid of someone else’s emotional instability.
PaulDT said:
If anything serious happened, I would resent myself for the rest of my life.
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No. Stop there. You are not responsible for her decisions. You’ve alerted her parents. That was the right thing to do. Her threats are a manipulation of you and you cannot take on that as your responsibility.

And if she’s mentally ill and not responsible for her actions, she needs professional care and you can’t give her that.
 
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I would like to make clear as others have, I don’t think you should continue communication with her. I only meant to point out that your concern was natural and your actions in telling her mother were correct and probably needed. But let this message be a one off, however it happened, don’t go seeking communication with her.
 
terrytango said:
I will pray for you, please pray for me in my relationship too.
God bless
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Thanks a lot, I will certainly pray for you.
Irishmom2 said:
What do you mean “she managed to have me read a message?” How does that happen if you cut all ties with her?
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First she deleted all her remaining messages on our discord conversation. When I did the same, appeared the very first one that she had left in and edited to write about how much I meant for her, how much I had abandoned her and basically how she was just waiting to die of drug abuse.

I haven’t told her a word and I won’t. I am doubling down on my prayers, though.
I have had a lot of things change for me lately. I have practically beaten my sexual temptations, I have started learning how to drive and doing a lot of sport because I have hope that this separation will give me the opportunity to get better, to purify myself more and to learn to be a man if God wants me to have a family. It might even be with her if that is His will.

And so I hoped she was going through the same process, but instead everthing she is doing is in hope of getting me back, her self confidence is completely destroyed, she is defiling her body in every imaginable way and it’s all my fault. I had given her a rosary with a pamphlet on how to pray it few weeks ago, and I had lots of hope for her but now I am shattered as I realize she fell in sin because I took her into it with me, and there is nothing I can do directly to save her, without hurting her more.
 
Paul. No. This is not your fault. We are all responsible for our own lives. Your ex is responsible for her actions, not you. We all have choices to make in our lives. It is not your right to choose for her anyway, that would be wrong even if you could do it.

And please. Do not end a relationship and then go on thinking that maybe God will put you back together someday. Sometimes, there is no going back, there is only moving forward.
 
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I concur with @Irishmom2 it’s totally not your fault. This girl is experiencing a very difficult trial right now, sometimes God calls us to be the instruments of someone’s healing and sometimes we need to step back and get out of the way. Don’t pity your inability to do anything, any healing for her will come by the grace of God through whatever means he sees fit to use. If she is this attached to you, your presence will only prolong her suffering, something I think you know. Don’t regret that you read the message and got her mother involved. It has happened and perhaps for the good, now move forward as @Irishmom2 has said. You can’t forget her, she was a big part of your life. But carry happy memories and well wishes of her with you and in your prayers. In a way, this is what people who lose loved ones to death have to do. But you have even more hope that she is still alive and able to undergo all sorts of promising changes in this life. With time you will learn how to carry this with the help of Christ. The way you carry this will form part of your unique journey on this Earth, it will be part of your life and part of how you appreciate our Lord. Don’t forget to thank him for allowing you to meet this girl and have her shape your faith this way. May peace find you 🙂
 
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Huge thanks to you both @Irishmom2 and @terrytango for your time answering. You make me see things in a wholly different perspective, I guess this is an issue with my recent conversion that I have not enough faith in God’s grace alone and the efficacy of prayer. That’s ok and I am improving everyday in my practice. I will not forget you in my prayers.
 
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