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Xantippe
Guest
Yeah.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
If it’s at all possible, he should start out living with both. If he’s so distant from his father and your breakup is so hard on him, then that’s a great way for him to get reassurance from both of you.
You can’t make him stay there every other week, but you can encourage him to at least try it. As the primary parent, your influence will have a huge effect on his relationship with his dad. Barring abuse, the better the relationship with his dad, the better off he’ll be.
There’s no reason that it has to be set in stone. If he doesn’t take this last opportunity to build something special, your son comes home to you and if necessary, explains the situation to a judge for official custody.
And I’m sorry, but when your posts talk about how you could afford to get by on joint custody but you’ll “have a life” with sole custody, it’s hard to think that he’s the one out for money. You and your son are very lucky to have a man who is willing and able to parent - too many dads fall off the face of the earth after the relationship ends. That’s worth so much more than the child support.
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Joelle_M
Guest
You are right. I’ve had A LOT of time to think about this today and tonight. I was lucky enough to make it to evening mass and had a chance to spend some time at adoration afterwards too. This life changing event is really not easy. I’ve been through every emotion in the book and I do realize that I have probably jumped the gun and went straight into panic mode. I’m terrified of what my days would look like without my son. I hadn’t even considered it as a possibility, I just assumed his father would want him with me.
I’ve thought about it a great deal tonight and i’m going to change my strategy. Rather than fight, and try to get my way, i’m going to let go and LET GOD. I’m going to have a conversation with my ex and calmly and kindly explain what my, as well as his son’s concerns are. I need him to understand that if this is going to work, his son has to be at least willing to try it out. And in order to ensure he doesn’t have to drag him away crying, then we need to help him get ready with the whole idea. I’m going to help him (my ex) by encouraging him make time for his son. I’m going to teach him how to speak with him… in order to win his trust. I’m going to suggest, that especially in the beginning, that we not stick to one week here and one week there, but that we maybe let him visit back and forth, without being told “you’re here for a week straight”… that way he doesn’t feel trapped.
I am going to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, and give him my support as a co-parent. We may not be a couple anymore, but we are still a family- and it’s important that he has my back, and that I have his. I think that if he can make a solid effort to work on his relationship with his son until we are ready to sell our house, and If I work to help Mikey better understand his dad, that we may just be able to give it a go.
In the end, if he doesnt make the effort, and it doesn’t work out- then things will be what they will be. But at least I’ll be able to sleep at night, knowing I did everything I could to help them bond and grow closer together.
I’m sorry if my response to you earlier was snippy… you struck a nerve… lol. Either way, it got me thinking that although I don’t think I was being fuelled by the money- my thoughts were still not on what’s truly important. His relationship with his father HAS to be saved and my connection with our son, as well as the Catholic values I am so desperately trying to teach him will help us get there. If I die next month- or next year- or in 10 years, and I didn’t do anything to help them solidify their relationship- what will I have left behind for my son? He’ll have lost his mom- and feel like he never had his dad
that thought is more heart breaking than the thought of having to live without Mikey for a week at a time.
J
Joelle_M
Guest
God is so good, isn’t He?! I thank you all for your words, and for giving me your honest feedback. I am feeling so much better tonight and will pray to God to help me find the words to reach my son’s father. My heart feels lighter now, I feel like God has given me the direction I was so desperately needing… thank you all for being a part of that! 
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LethalMouse
Guest
You have a 16 year old son who will be a man in two short years. Barring abuse or a substance problem, he needs his father’s influence more than you need child support. I know you said that you’re the nurturing one, and that’s great, he needs that too. But keeping your son from his father for money is a disservice to them both. Immaturity doesn’t make him a bad father - no one is a perfect parent. You say he has a huge heart, so don’t deprive your son. And even if your son wants to stay with you, you should encourage him to get as much time with his dad as possible (up to equal time).
It sounds like you’re the one who’s making parenting choices based on money, not your soon to be ex.
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styrgwillidar
Guest
Your son having a room there regardless of whether he stays there or not is a tangible statement that he has a home with his father. That his father considers it to be his son’s home as well as his own. Again, even if he just visits for a couple of hours during the day-- if his father can point to a room and say-- that’s your room, it says more than words can ever convey.
It was very hard on my kids when they realized they couldn’t consider their mother’s home their home as well. Conversely, my daughter was very touched years later when visiting and her Mom was able to say-- that’s your bed/room. Although my daughter hadn’t felt like she could call it her home, it did communicate that in some way her Mom had always made a space for her.
J
Joelle_M
Guest
It’s going to be a hard transition, that’s for sure. With my son, it’s not a matter of him thinking he won’t have a place at his dad’s house, it’s more that he would rather his main place be with me. It’s going to take some work, from all of us, to get him to want to even consider it. I realized today, after he texted me from school, that it’s harder on him than I had suspected. He’s feeling depressed, the weight of it is making him struggle- he thinks he failed a physics test, and physics is one of his best subjects… he says he knows the work, but during the quiz he just went blank. He hasn’t been sleeping well all week either.
I’ve called and scheduled an appointment with a therapist for him. I’m hoping that having someone to talk to that isn’t involved in all of this will help him to sort out the feelings he’s having. I’m also going to talk to him about starting a 30 day devotion for the souls in purgatory, for his intensions.
I have to have a serious talk with his dad, who doesn’t seem to realize how much strain this is putting on our son. We just found out last night that he’s just scheduled a week long fishing trip with his friends the day after Mikey’s 16th birthday, in a week and a half. He needs to see that he’s seriously hurting his son by not carving out some time to talk to him about what’s going on, and not spending time with him. We’re running out of time, before we know it our house will be sold and we’ll be stuck trying to figure this all out under pressure, which is something my son really doesn’t need right now
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styrgwillidar
Guest
I think the therapist is a good call, but there are good ones and bad ones and sometimes its more how they connect with a particular patient. Don’t be hesitant in changing therapists if this one doesn’t happen to be a good fit. I happened to find one who was an outstanding fit for my daughter and helped her a lot.
At 16, your son probably has a social media presence? If he does, monitoring it may also give you feel for how he’s coping. I know we want to protect our kids, but we also have to understand that we need to separate our feelings about our ex from our kids relationship with the ex and let them establish the best relationship they can on their terms without our interference.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
First I want to say I really admire how through out all of this, you are constantly turning to God. I think that is admirable. And I am sorry you are going through this
The reason I say that is if your BF can plan a fishing trip the day after his son’s birthday at a trying time for your son, it is obvious there is no point trying to reason with BF.
Angie
The part I bolded is the one that I do feel I need to point out with charitable intentions. I am sorry your BF is hurting your son’s feelings. And I agree it would be best if you BF saw what his behavior is doing. However… through out several of your posts, it seems like you are trying to control you BF’s actions. And that is one thing I really think you need to let go of. You can pray your BF has a change of heart, but any attempts on your part at best won’t work. (more likely they will have negative consequences)
The reason I say that is if your BF can plan a fishing trip the day after his son’s birthday at a trying time for your son, it is obvious there is no point trying to reason with BF.
Angie
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Joelle_M
Guest
I know I can’t force it on him. I just wish I could find the words to make him SEE. I am going to try to get through to him… because I won’t feel like a good person if I don’t do that. If he can’t pull off a miracle and make this relationship with his son happen, if he cant find a way to make his son WANT to try by the time we part ways, i honestly won’t be able to agree to his living arrangements. I won’t have the strength to watch my son be forced into it. He’ll always have his dad- I will encourage him to spend as much time with him as possible, but I won’t force him to go. It hasn’t even happened yet and my son is already all torn up.
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Viki63
Guest
Just a thought, which may be totally out of line: it seems to me that living a week at Mom’s home and a week at dad’s would be crazy-making for a teen. I personally need a base of operations, a place to call my own, so I know where everything is and feel like I belong.
Teens are even more in need of stability, And your son is going through what is clearly a difficult time,
Did you guys try to work out your relationship? Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like perfect husband material, but you have lived together through your son’s life, and it may be that a couple’s counselor could help you improve your relationship.
(Ignore that if its inappropriate, I realize you’re far along the path to separation now, and maybe there’s no turning back.)
I hope you would both let your son decide where he’s going to live and where visit. That way it’ll be easiest on him.
My daughter doesn’t live with me,but we keep in close contact every week and I think she feels pretty secure. It’s not the length of time spent in a relationship, it’s the quality. Your son could spend a weekend every month at his dad’s, and if it’s good time, their relationship could prosper.
God bless.
.
Teens are even more in need of stability, And your son is going through what is clearly a difficult time,
Did you guys try to work out your relationship? Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like perfect husband material, but you have lived together through your son’s life, and it may be that a couple’s counselor could help you improve your relationship.
(Ignore that if its inappropriate, I realize you’re far along the path to separation now, and maybe there’s no turning back.)
I hope you would both let your son decide where he’s going to live and where visit. That way it’ll be easiest on him.
My daughter doesn’t live with me,but we keep in close contact every week and I think she feels pretty secure. It’s not the length of time spent in a relationship, it’s the quality. Your son could spend a weekend every month at his dad’s, and if it’s good time, their relationship could prosper.
God bless.
.
J
Joelle_M
Guest
I believe that if we find a way to repair this relationship it will be nothing short of an act of God. A miracle. I know no relationship is perfect, but we’ve had a rocky relationship. The last year, I came to grips with the fact that I may never be 100% happy with him, but that God put us together for a reason. If he was willing to marry me, so I could no longer offend God by our sinful living, I would have happily lived out the rest of my life grinning and bearing it- and offering up my suffering for his soul’s salvation. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely unhappy, I really do love him… he is my family. I want my family together, there’s nothing I could want more- but it’s clear to me that it’s not what he wants. His soul is unsettled and he is searching for his happiness in places he’ll never find peace.
Right now, i’m honestly considering a chaste life. My prayer life has brought me to a point that I have very little sexual inclination (I also try to keep myself from those thoughts). I’m considering giving it up, in return for his conversion. I’d love for him to know God in his life, but if my struggles and sacrifices could be the thing that win him God’s mercy at his time of death, then it will have been worth it. I can’t bear the thought of him, or anyone for that matter, going to hell. I can’t bear the thought of anyone suffering for eternity, and knowing I didn’t do everything I could to help them. Which is why I feel like I really need to get through to him. I know I can’t force him to give up his partying if he doesn’t want to, but I can try to make him see how he can work to improve his relationship with his son.
If Mikey were to choose to live with equal time in each other’s homes, I would happily accept it. I genuinely want him to be happy, that’s really all that matters here. My ex never knew his dad… he is so much like him. He chose his free life, chose to travel his whole life. Had a child in another province that we have never had a chance to meet (my son and I). Even on his death bed, when my ex and his sister reached out to make plans to come see him, he refused to let them visit. His relationship with his step dad was rocky, although he was there and was a devoted father, he was very strict and his mother worked hard to give him what he wanted, behind her husband’s back… which made him grow up resenting his step dad… it made him spoiled and gave him a huge sense of entitlement.
My heart honestly bleeds for him when I think of what he’s suffered. I don’t come from a broken home, we had huge financial difficulties growing up, but the love was there. God was central in our upbringing. That’s why part of me has stuck around. Many people have told me over the years to pack up and go, that he doesn’t really love me… but I know it’s not that he doesn’t, there is love, he’s just not IN LOVE with me. He may not always show it, but he cares… he just doesn’t know how to express it. He’s a broken man, a product of a lot of hurt feelings… and he deserves someone in his corner that will pray for him and help him find happiness in Heaven one day, especially since he’s never been able to find that peace here on earth.
Do I sound nuts?
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Anglewannabe
Guest
And that is the problem I am trying to point out. You can NOT make him see. You need to ask God how God wants you to act. You need to ask God what God wants you to say. And after you have done God’s will, your part ends. It is 100% between your ex and God if your ex SEES
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Joelle_M
Guest
I get what you’re saying. I just meant that I would try, I’m going to pray God helps me and gives me the words to help him. What I meant, is that in the nextfew months, while we are preparing our house to sell and trying to figure out how it’s going to work, that I don’t plan to fight him. I am not going to say “no” anymore, I am going to reposition it. Tell him that if it’s tuly what he wants, that he has to step up and work on it now. I’m going to explain that he has it in his power to make a difference with his son, to help him see that living with him would be good. If he isn’t able to step up and make that happen now, when it’s so incredibly important since he has no time to waste, then when the time comes I will agree to whatever Mikey’s terms are. I will only agree to Mikey’s wishes, because he is my son… and it’s my job to make sure he is happy and healthy. I’m fully aware that if he is able to make things work with his son, it won’t be my doing. It’ll be God stepping in and helping him figure it out.
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