Ive lost my best friend what do i do?

[Missing_Out]

HI everyone!
Uhm…this is my first post. I was wondering about, well a lot of things. You see i have this friend, he is the greatest friend i have ever had. Always there when i need him willing to help out with anything. And not just ME, he has a heart of gold. He is a devout Roman Catholic. I am divorced with two kids and a baptized non-catholic. and i have developed feelings for him that i shouldnt have. Im sure you can all see where my problem lies. A few months ago he told ME how he felt about me, and i shocked him when i told him i did as well. He was a gentleman and never made ANY advancement. But, since telling each other the tension between us has grown almost unbearable. He avoids me, cant look me in the eyes let a lone carry on a conversation even on the phone. He says he feels so dirty for feeling the way he does about me. Its wrong, he shouldnt, so he stays away. I feel like i could spend the rest of my life with this man and it be heaven for me. (I think he feels the same) But it is not possible. I feel like i have lost the best friend i have ever had, which hurts more than anything else, PLUS i am missing out on the chance for the most wonderful love that has ever been presented before me. I dont know what to do. He is miserable about it as am i. I dont know what to do.
Missing out on everything…

 

[Lost_Child]

Sounds like it must really be hard to live with. Im not a catholic so i dont know what to tell you. Other than just trust in GOD to see you through. You never know what HE has planned, HIS ways are not our ways. If it was meant to happen it will happen. Maybe not in the time you would like it to…Never give up hope if it is what is in your heart. Even if you have to live with the pain of not having it for years, never let it go if its worth waiting for.

 

[CARose]

Hi Missing Out,

Why does he feel that you two cannot be together? Is he married? If so, buck up, respect his marriage and move on.

If not, if he is free to marry and you really feel that he is someone you would be interested in dating, with the potential of it progressing to something deeper there are things you can do to help make things possible.

If he is interested in you, but concerned because of your life history, most especially your divorce, you can resolve these concerns through an annulment, even if you are not Catholic yourself. The Catholic Church has retained the authority to assess unions presented to them for review for their validity. There are several elements necessary for the union of marriage to be valid and if these are not met at the time of the wedding, the marriage itself is not established in the eyes of God and the union is not binding as a marriage.

For you to resolve the concern of your friend, you would need to be willing to submit your previous marriage to the authority of the Church for review. They may or may not find grounds for a finding of nullity, meaning you were never married in the eyes of God. This in NO WAY affects the legitimacy of your children. Legitimacy is a legal term and it sounds to me like you were legally married, so nothing changes that. All Children, regardless of the circumstances of their coming into the world, are precious gifts from God and are never an error.

If you feel strongly enough drawn to this friend to want to pursue the relationship, you can proceed on this by looking up the closest Catholic Church and asking the priest for assistance in this matter. I think it will cost somewhere around $200, although I believe they help those who have a financial hardship.

I recommend that you go into this without thinking it’s just for him, as there is no way of knowing, at this early stage of your infatuation, if the two of you are meant to be together. But if you get the annulment and you aren’t meant to be, at least you’ve closed the previous chapter in your life and will be free to move on. I didn’t expect to feel anything when I got my annulment, and yet I felt as though a ton of weight I didn’t even know was there, was lifted when I received the papers telling me my annulment was complete.

I will keep you and yours in prayer,

CARose

 

[Konig]

I am married and the best friend I have is too. I suppose if we were both free to marry we would consider it strongly. But we aren’t so we have agreed to some guidelines that allow us to be very close friends, but only friends.The catechism speaks very favorably of friends, same sex and opposite sex ones. We use the CCC, the bible and some Catholic writers(Aquinas to name one) to form a basis for our friendship, to keep us chaste and this friendship holy. We do live a sizable distance from each other but have prayed together, gone to Mass together, shared joys(babies) and sorrows (deaths) and done many other things together. But we do all of this as very close friends that love each other and each others families very much. The fleeting pleasure adultery may bring would pale compared to the loss of friendship and damage to each others families.
So I have no advice but it is possible to have a very close, chaste friendship w/ an opposite sex friend.
Well, if the problem is you are divorced, is there any chance your marriage could be annulled so he could marry you? Is your ex-husband still alive? I don’t mean to promote annulments but it may be possible for you to obtain one and marry Mr. Wonderful. IF not, it is possible to have a close friendship but it does take a lot of work. well worth it tho.

 

[Darrel]

But, since telling each other the tension between us has grown almost unbearable. He avoids me, cant look me in the eyes let a lone carry on a conversation even on the phone. He says he feels so dirty for feeling the way he does about me. Its wrong, he shouldnt, so he stays away.

Why does he feel dirty about having feelings for you? Seems like having feelings would be a positive thing and a normal begining to a relationship? Sounds like something else might be up there. A problem like this might be a good way to learn how to communicate with each other and figure it out together.

-D

 

[jrabs]

Do his problems stem from the fact that you are a divorced woman? He would be committing adultery if you were to get married? Can you ask him about that?

If that is the case, I can understand his angst. He is trying to be a devout Catholic with means avoiding all that would cause occasion to commit a mortal sin.

 

[dhgray]

Missing Out:

HI everyone!
Uhm…this is my first post. I was wondering about, well a lot of things. You see i have this friend, he is the greatest friend i have ever had. Always there when i need him willing to help out with anything. And not just ME, he has a heart of gold. He is a devout Roman Catholic. I am divorced with two kids and a baptized non-catholic. and i have developed feelings for him that i shouldnt have. Im sure you can all see where my problem lies. A few months ago he told ME how he felt about me, and i shocked him when i told him i did as well. He was a gentleman and never made ANY advancement. But, since telling each other the tension between us has grown almost unbearable. He avoids me, cant look me in the eyes let a lone carry on a conversation even on the phone. He says he feels so dirty for feeling the way he does about me. Its wrong, he shouldnt, so he stays away. I feel like i could spend the rest of my life with this man and it be heaven for me. (I think he feels the same) But it is not possible. I feel like i have lost the best friend i have ever had, which hurts more than anything else, PLUS i am missing out on the chance for the most wonderful love that has ever been presented before me. I dont know what to do. He is miserable about it as am i. I dont know what to do.
Missing out on everything…

Print out this message and present it to him.

 

[turboEDvo]

dhgray:

Print out this message and present it to him.

I second that opinion. Look at it like this: it can’t get worse. If it doesn’t work out, then you should at least be sure that it was because you weren’t meant to be together. Don’t leave a doubt in your mind that love was lost because you didn’t try hard enough; you’ll beat yourself up over it.

Eamon

 

[Olympia]

Sorry to say this, BUT:
Married people are playing with fire if they think they are having a “harmless” “best friend” relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The risk is just too great.

IMHO, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. I would consider this a very disloyal comment if my spouse named someone other than me as his “best friend.” It is a wedge in the unity of the marriage and a breach of trust. I would hit the roof!

You are fooling yourself if you think that a relationship with someone of the opposite sex can be totally platonic and non-sexual. Unless there are grave dissimilarities (age, sexual orientation, maybe consanguinity) **all **male/female friendships have a sexual overtone. You can read St. Thomas Aquinas all day long, you can fool yourself, but it is still there.

It is best to preserve the marriage, work on what you have, and totally not see the other person.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Konig]

Olympia:

Sorry to say this, BUT:
Married people are playing with fire if they think they are having a “harmless” “best friend” relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The risk is just too great.

IMHO, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. I would consider this a very disloyal comment if my spouse named someone other than me as his “best friend.” It is a wedge in the unity of the marriage and a breach of trust. I would hit the roof!

You are fooling yourself if you think that a relationship with someone of the opposite sex can be totally platonic and non-sexual. Unless there are grave dissimilarities (age, sexual orientation, maybe consanguinity) **all **male/female friendships have a sexual overtone. You can read St. Thomas Aquinas all day long, you can fool yourself, but it is still there.

It is best to preserve the marriage, work on what you have, and totally not see the other person.

Just my 2 cents.

Your opinion is not that of the church. See the catechism 2347 The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends,134 who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.
Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion.

“Unless there are grave dissimilarities (age, sexual orientation, maybe consanguinity) **all **male/female friendships have a sexual overtone.”
You are right. BUT it is only an overtone and not the substance of the friendship. Believe what you may. I don’t care if you would rather dismiss the teaching of the Church on this.

 

[Fashina86]

turboEDvo:

I second that opinion. Look at it like this: it can’t get worse. If it doesn’t work out, then you should at least be sure that it was because you weren’t meant to be together. Don’t leave a doubt in your mind that love was lost because you didn’t try hard enough; you’ll beat yourself up over it.

Eamon

I completely agree… It wasn’t your fault, but you could still ask why… God will take care of everything. He may have a differnt plan for you!

God Bless–JMJ
Laura

 

[Olympia]

Konig:

Your opinion is not that of the church. See the catechism 2347 The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends,134 who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.
Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion.

“Unless there are grave dissimilarities (age, sexual orientation, maybe consanguinity) **all **male/female friendships have a sexual overtone.”
You are right. BUT it is only an overtone and not the substance of the friendship. Believe what you may. I don’t care if you would rather dismiss the teaching of the Church on this.

Of course I agree with the Catechism!!! My comment was framed as a response to a post here which described an attachment where these “best friends” were married to other spouses, and another post was ambiguous on whether a spouse was involved. They both seemed to be in turmoil about this “best friend” relationship.

I was trying to point out that an existing marriage partner should be the #1 attachment in the other spouse’s life. This is a concept I learned in Marriage Encounter. I still maintain that any wife or husband who hears a spouse call someone else of the opposite sex a “best friend” will have some kind of hurt feelings, it is only normal.

I still say that engaging in a “best friend” relationship with a person of the opposite sex while married to someone else is playing with fire. We used to call it “a near occasion of sin.” It can lead to stirring up emotions which rightfully should be directed to the existing spouse. In my book, this would be disloyalty to the spouse. Spouses are to “forsake all others.”

The paragraph in the Catechism which you quoted sounds like it is directed to single people, or members of religious communities.

 

[Konig]

Olympia:

I was trying to point out that an existing marriage partner should be the #1 attachment in the other spouse’s life. .

right #1. But that means there could be a #2. And #2 can be an opposite sex friend. Not a difference per catechism. Didn’ t Jesus reach out to women when it was considered taboo do to so. We are not sinless but we are to emulate him.

**We used to call it “a near occasion of sin.” **

It has made my marriage and hers much better.

The paragraph in the Catechism which you quoted sounds like it is directed to single people, or members of religious communities

I don’t believe it is tho. I just reread it and didn’t see anything about being single or in a religious community. My wife is #1 but my best friend is very close. She has prayed for our marriage and my wife appreciates her very much. My friend went way out of her way to help my wife when my FIL was dying. I think what you are advocating is closer to Islam, than Catholicism.