Jealousy in relationships.. what's healthy/unhealthy?

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I just wanted to know what everyone’s opinions were when it comes to jealousy in relationships. I know jealousy is a natural occurrence, but there are times where it can get out of hand …

can someone explain what they may see as natural or healthy jealous tendencies?

what are examples of unhealthy jealous tendencies?

how do you deal with your spouse/gf/bf’s friends of the opposite sex? is it healthy to cut yourself off from friends of the opposite sex if you’re in a relationship?
 
100%Catholic:
I just wanted to know what everyone’s opinions were when it comes to jealousy in relationships. I know jealousy is a natural occurrence, but there are times where it can get out of hand …

can someone explain what they may see as natural or healthy jealous tendencies?

what are examples of unhealthy jealous tendencies?

how do you deal with your spouse/gf/bf’s friends of the opposite sex? is it healthy to cut yourself off from friends of the opposite sex if you’re in a relationship?
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Personally, to simplify the issue of healthy vs unhealthy jealousy I would say:

If your jealous feelings do any harm they are unhealthy.

If your jealous feelings do not do any harm, and maybe even some good comes out of them, they are healthy.

For example, if your spouse is “hit on” by a member of the opposite sex at a social function and it invokes the jealously in you:

*it is unhealthy if you say something nasty to that person (whereas you could just walk over and introduce yourself as the spouse) or make your spouse feel like they did something wrong (or if it causes harm to yourself by becoming an obsession)

*it is healthy if that jealous feeling helps you to remember why you yourself find your spouse desirable/attractive and you take it as a compliment.

No emotion is wrong. It is only our reaction to that emotion that can get us in trouble.

In response to your last question, I think whatever is best for the two individuals in the marriage is what is right and/or healthy.

If my husband had a problem with me having male friends and had the courage, trust, and vulnerability to talk to me about his concerns I would give up my friends in order to please my spouse. But in return, I know that he would not ask such a thing if those friendships were very important to me.

I think that most situations can have a happy medium if each party is genuinely concerned about the other.

Maybe I could only see my male friends in a group situation, in public, or with my husband present?

These have been the hypothetical musings of a very tired brain… hope they help!

Malia
 
If you’re really serious about this, you might want to check out the book “Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex.” It isn’t Catholic by any means, and it is really scholarly and I never read the whole thing, but it did give my wife and I a lot of good discussion topics, such as surveys on the differences between the dreams of men and women.

It’s been a long time, but I remember one survey in particular that asked which would be worse: being physically cheated on by your spouse, or your spouse being emotionally attached to another? Men tended to view the cheating as worse while women tended to view the emotional attachment as more threatening.

Barnes and Noble has it for 5 bucks at this link, or maybe it’s in your local library.

For my own wife, I have no problem with her male friends. If she likes them I will usually like them. She does not lead them on in any way, and she seems to have radar when it comes to spotting a man who might be a bit “weird” or otherwise problematic, so I don’t have to help her avoid men who are risks.

The way I have always dealt with it when a gf or my wife has become attracted in any way to another man, is to look at that man and try to figure out what she sees in him that maybe I could provide. Typically there are good things about those men which I can learn. I figure that the only way to beat competition is to become better than it. If I can’t beat them at whatever they are good at, then I will join in admiring them until I figure something else out.

Alan
 
Jealousy is generally a sign that your not really feeling secure in your relationship. If you really think about it why would you be jealous of your partner’s friends of the opposite sex except that you feel they are possible competition.

You need to be honest with your feelings so that your partner is aware that these relationships make you feel threatened than he/she can find ways to let you know your his/her one and only.

That being said - there are friendships and then there are friendships. If these friends of the opposite sex are former bf/gf than I believe those friendships need to be ended ( or at least seriously distanced)out respect for your own relationship. If your partner is going to the opposite sex with relationship problems you have or personal information about your relationship I think that is also disrespectful to the relationship you share with him/her.

Jealousy is not the same as love and can do serious damage to a relationship it is not addressed.
 
Ann Landers (before she became PC) had a great column on this topic years ago. did anybody save it, or did it get into one of her books?
 
i guess my thinking on the whole opposite-sex friendships is a bit conservative.

my husband and i don’t have friends of the opposite sex that are not friends of both of us. what i mean is, his male friends have become my friends and my female friends have become his friends. (coincidentally, most of them are married to each other.) i have not retained any male friendships of my own and he has not maintained any female friendships of his own.

i wouldn’t have a problem if my husband met one of MY girlfriends for lunch, but i would have a problem if he was meeting a female friend of his that i wan’t friends with. and i know he’d feel the same way.

for us, it’s just worked out really well to forego opposite-sex friendships except in the cases of our married couple friends. we personally don’t see it as a healthy situation to put ourselves in. if it doesn’t benefit the marriage, why do it?
 
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