Joyful about pregnancy but unwilling to tell relatives about it

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mommamaree

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I know many people here have larger families and have delayed telling relatives about pregnancies in order to postpone the cruel remarks. I am currently pregnant with my fifth child, and it looks like this pregnancy is going to be successful (I have had two first trimester miscarriages, but this time around I have all the “positive” symptoms of a healthy pregnancy). I had really expected I would lose this baby, so to be experiencing the good symptoms is such a pleasant surprise.

Now I have the dilemma of really not wanting to tell anyone. I live at great distance from family, and so I have been daydreaming about not informing them until the baby is born. However, I know that would be cruel. But I am still wondering, how long can I wait? How long did some of you wait, when you fully expected the cruel remarks to begin immediately?

(As example, comments about how I was wasting my life and my degree and letting down all of society by staying home and having kids when I should be out there curing AIDS, said by my FIL) :rolleyes:
 
First of all, congratulations! :flowers: And I hope that your “positive” symptoms are relatively manageable.

Maybe you could appeal to their basic humanity and say something like, “I understand your feelings about my growing family, but I prefer not to have the added stress of you telling me at this time. I’m more concerned about my baby’s health.”

Also, it seems that women often wait until the second trimester to tell people.

Best wishes and I will be praying for you. 🙂
 
I didn’t want us to tell anyone until my wife was further along than our miscarriage as I could not handle the sympathy if we lost these.

Just tell them, their feelings won’t change over a few weeks.

Maybe you could ask our Lady for assistance. You will receive an answer.

🙂
 
Congrats!

I know exactly how you feel.

I’m 19 weeks and still haven’t told people who have been known to be cruel with their comments and actions. Their comments almost destroyed me last time. Unfortunately in my case, they live close and see us often. We decided to tell them July 4th, my c-section is scheduled for July 29th. Until then I’m avoiding them. Even my in-laws agree to this and are doing everything they can to hide it.

For everyone else we waited until about 12-13 weeks. The exceptions being my FIL (my daughter got to excited and spilled the beans), and my mom who is my emotional go to when it comes to my problems with my pregnancies. My husband gets too emotional.
 
Oh wow, mommamaree, congratulations!!! 😃 You are an awesome mom, and this baby is so blessed to be coming into your family!

Remember, you’re under no obligation to tell anyone else about the pregnancy if you don’t want to. Since you live far away from the rest of the family, it will be easier to circumvent the topic. You can always wait and tell them later in the pregnancy when you’re emotionally braced for the response. Do you think people will eventually warm up to the idea, or will they permanently freak out at the size of your family? Also, do you foresee anyone feeling hurt or upset that you didn’t tell them until the baby had already been born?
 
I am happy for you! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

With most of my kids I lived closer to home, or at least traveled frequently in that direction, but I waited to tell until people figured it out on their own. If they asked I didn’t lie, but I never offered the information. I also miscarry frequently and hate the untelling, but it is also because I have never enjoyed the criticism people throw my way. My mom is the only family member who has ever been excited or even accepting of our babies (well, my daddy was too, but he passed away 11 years ago). With our youngest, we told no one except my mom. We live quite far from home and do not go very often now. I rarely speak to my family, besides my mom, and so it never came up. My mom finally spilled the beans at Christmas when people asked why we didn’t go home that year. She told them I was expecting and they WOULD BE HAPPY FOR ME, or at least keep their mouths shut. So, family found out Dec. 24, and baby was born in Feb. It was the most peaceful pregnancy I ever had, none of the uncomfortable comments, none of the criticism. However, when we have been home since her birth (3 times), I have been introduced to everyone from nurses (mom is in nursing home now) to priests as, “our youngest sister and her LAST baby.” It horrified my mom, but it’s something I knew would occur. If we do have more children, I don’t plan on telling anyone besides mom if she’s still around. If people want to know they are free to ask me themselves. I pray one day for my family to be reunited again, but at this point no one is showing any signs of that happening.

You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your blessing. It is not cruel to protect yourself from rudeness and stress. Surround yourself with those that love you and will share your joy, and people that keep their mouths shut when they only have negatives to say. If your kids are like mine they will jump for joy and won’t be able to contain their excitement. Leave it up to the kids to tell, and then just confirm the truth if asked about it.
 
Congratulations!

Your FIL’s past comments are silly. You are not wasting your degree. Your children benefit from your education. And they will do great things! You could be raising the person who finally finds a cure for aids or cancer.

I have heard some famous people say that they think motherhood is the most important job in the world!

I would say if you have been very active on Facebook, think about how you will handle that as well as if your distance relatives use Facebook and if they may view photos of you on the pages of closer relatives or mutual friends. Other than that, it seems a lot less stressful to wait to let them know.
 
Thanks so much everyone! I am 8 weeks along currently, and I go in for my first OB appointment and ultrasound in one week (to check if the pregnancy is actually progressing healthily). My MIL and the FIL (step-FIL, actually) who said the hurtful comments are coming for a visit in two weeks. I plan on delaying telling the children until after the visit is over, so they don’t have to keep a secret.
My MIL (who is the kindest, most non-judgemental person of the family) will be hurt when she realizes that she came and went without ever hearing our good news, but I am feeling very protective of this baby and his/her reception into a family that thinks we are kooks or worse, irresponsible. Every day of a visit I hear “I don’t know how you do it” and “I don’t know how you manage so many kids”. It is not a compliment, based on the tone of voice.
I don’t know. Maybe I could tell her but swear her to secrecy for a little while longer…
 
mommamaree said:
Thanks so much everyone! I am 8 weeks along currently, and I go in for my first OB appointment and ultrasound in one week (to check if the pregnancy is actually progressing healthily). My MIL and the FIL (step-FIL, actually) who said the hurtful comments are coming for a visit in two weeks. I plan on delaying telling the children until after the visit is over, so they don’t have to keep a secret.
My MIL (who is the kindest, most non-judgemental person of the family) will be hurt when she realizes that she came and went without ever hearing our good news, but I am feeling very protective of this baby and his/her reception into a family that thinks we are kooks or worse, irresponsible. Every day of a visit I hear “I don’t know how you do it” and “I don’t know how you manage so many kids”. It is not a compliment, based on the tone of voice.
I don’t know. Maybe I could tell her but swear her to secrecy for a little while longer…
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Ok. If you’ll be 10 weeks along at the time of the visit, that’s still before many people share the news with their families, so I don’t think it would be considered a big deal not to tell MIL and step FIL then.

You can’t always prepare for each reaction or hurt feeling everyone in the family has, but I think you’re on the right track by honestly evaluating what you and your family can handle right now. Plus, you’ve got plenty of time to tell them-- or not!-- so try not to add the extra stress of making that decision right now. You got this, girl! 👍
 
Congratulations!

With my last we didn’t say anything until my mother in law asked. (we were worried about miscarriage) I was starting to show a bit. So she asked.

I even kept it from my own mom.

It was fun.
 
At ten weeks, I rarely even told people who were supportive and excited for me! Even with my first, we didn’t share the news with anyone until my second trimester. My in laws never knew about my two miscarriages.

Did you want to avoid telling your relatives or avoid them knowing? Sometimes it is easier if people hear of it first from someone else so they have a chance to think about what they will say before they say anything to you. A lot of those unkind comments just come from people who speak their thoughts without pausing to realize how they sound. If your MIL knew and shared it, you might not even hear some of the rude first reactions.
 
Wait until you start to show if you want. If they ask why you didn’t say earlier, just tell them that you had suffered a few miscarriages and wanted to keep it private until the baby was along a little further. No further explanation is needed.

They have no inherent right to know.

For my wife and I, we waited on telling about our second until middle of the 2nd trimester. We just wanted time to adjust to the changes coming. We didn’t worry about if other people felt entitled to know earlier, because they aren’t.
 
I got the heavy sigh and the, “Ohhhh, [My Name…]” when I told them about the 5th. So I simply didn’t tell them about the 6th until a few weeks before he was due. Like you, I lived at a great distance. If they ever bothered to ask why I waited so long, I’m sure I told them because of their negativity last time. I have no guilt at all. As someone else said, they have no inherent right to know. And if they have any sense, they’ve never again been so unkind to someone announcing a new child.
 
I have one week left until my in-laws come for a visit, and I am not sure I will be able to hide the pregnancy. My baby bump is already popping out more every day, which is not too surprising as this is my 7th pregnancy. 😊
I go for my first OB appointment tomorrow, and will have an ultrasound to confirm that the baby is developing and see how far along I am (guessing 9 weeks now). Maybe I should just muster the courage and put up the ultrasound pic on the refrigerator like every other proud mama would do, and break out the maternity clothes, and just deal with it.
Any advice on how to handle comments or reactions that make me want to rip out my hair and yell at people for being rude or mean?:o
 
At least if they see the pic and the maternity clothes and put two and two together, they might have a moment to process before having to verbalize their thoughts. Plus, the kids will be ecstatic. My one and only son keeps rooting for a little brother.😃
 
mommamaree said:
Any advice on how to handle comments or reactions that make me want to rip out my hair and yell at people for being rude or mean?:o
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Well, it depends on how far you’re comfortable going. 😃

You could just pat them on the shoulder and say “That’s OK, I know you didn’t mean to be rude.”

Or a straight-faced “Seriously?”

(Easy for me to say, not my family!)
 
Congratulations on your baby!

If it were me…I would go ahead and tell them. At the first negative comment I (or better yet DH if he were there!) would say, “Stop right there. We are thrilled.” If they say anything else say, “Stop. Your negative comments are not appreciated.”

If that doesn’t work, I would stop the visits.

Hopefully they will not be rude!
 
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