Just felt like asking

[cmscms]

Ok, there has been a lot of post recently about sex. Some more graphic than others so I will ask my question and see if anyone cares to answer

This is coming from a woman who has never been married

I had a co-worker whose husband was a salesman who had to meet a monthly quota. He would always wait until the end of the month and make all his sales the last week. She told me ‘That is the time I have to give it to him twice a day to help relieve his stress’

She also confided in me that whenever he picked her up at the office for ‘lunch’ they ended up having sex (sometimes in the car). Not to mention when she was getting the kids ready for school and he woke up in a bad mood he actually asked her if she could come to the bedroom for 15 minutes (to which she said she put her foot down)

So, my questions is ‘Since they are married, is this behaviour acceptable? Or would God still frown on it?’

Thanks

CM

 

[inthekitchen]

I would much rather be there for my husband if he needed me than have him, ah, relieve his own stress. I’ve told him he he can wake me up if it’s too early or too late (he has, too!)

I do try to discourage marital activity if the children are awake because it is THE PITS to get interrupted. But short of illness or injury I am there for him and he is there for me.

I didn’t really get how much he needed the marital act for some time in our marriage. My lack of understanding (and his lack of communicating it, to be sure) led to a moderate crisis in our relationship, which we have weathered with prayer, growing in closeness to our Lord and to the church, and to each other.

So I am done with unavailability. We also no longer try to avoid pregnancy. We tried that for several months post-crisis until it became apparent that trying to avoid pregnancy was causing more stress than having another child.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I think as long as they stick to the main rules (unitive & procreative), and still view it as an act of love, then there’s nothing wrong with it. There are times when I’m so stressed out I can’t see straight. It leaves me short-tempered, irritable and extremely unpleasant to be around. I have a handful of things I normally do to relieve stress, but if when it gets to that point, none of them work. However, if I turn to my wife, not only is that much more likely to relieve 90-100% of the stress, but it works much faster than the other methods (exercise, breathing exercises, etc.).

That being said, if he’s just using her for stress relief, then I think there might be an issue with it. I’d also have a problem with him wanting it while the kids are getting ready for school. I think there’s certain times and occasions that really aren’t acceptable, no matter how you slice it. Sure, there are times when we sneak in some alone time when the kids are awake (if we were really wrapping Christmas presents all those times there wouldn’t have been room for a tree), but pulling a mother away from getting the kids ready for school just seems odd.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Ok, there has been a lot of post recently about sex. Some more graphic than others so I will ask my question and see if anyone cares to answer

This is coming from a woman who has never been married

I had a co-worker whose husband was a salesman who had to meet a monthly quota. He would always wait until the end of the month and make all his sales the last week. She told me ‘That is the time I have to give it to him twice a day to help relieve his stress’

She also confided in me that whenever he picked her up at the office for ‘lunch’ they ended up having sex (sometimes in the car). Not to mention when she was getting the kids ready for school and he woke up in a bad mood he actually asked her if she could come to the bedroom for 15 minutes (to which she said she put her foot down)

So, my questions is ‘Since they are married, is this behaviour acceptable? Or would God still frown on it?’

Thanks

CM

I don’t see much wrong here. Sex in the car is ill-advised, of course, and ideally there shouldn’t be a feeling of “must.”

But other than that, I’m not sure what behavior you are critiquing here? The frequency? That is up to each couple.

 

[twoangels]

Ok, there has been a lot of post recently about sex. Some more graphic than others so I will ask my question and see if anyone cares to answer

This is coming from a woman who has never been married

I had a co-worker whose husband was a salesman who had to meet a monthly quota. He would always wait until the end of the month and make all his sales the last week. She told me ‘That is the time I have to give it to him twice a day to help relieve his stress’

She also confided in me that whenever he picked her up at the office for ‘lunch’ they ended up having sex (sometimes in the car). Not to mention when she was getting the kids ready for school and he woke up in a bad mood he actually asked her if she could come to the bedroom for 15 minutes (to which she said she put her foot down)

So, my questions is ‘Since they are married, is this behaviour acceptable? Or would God still frown on it?’

Thanks

CM

I think its important for us to remember that God’s law is all about sincere love. In areas of sexuality, our late Holy Father spoke about the personalistic norm. The personalistic norm summerized means this: “The person is the kind of good which does not admit of use and cannot be treated as an object of use and as such the means to an end (Love and Responsibility, pg. 41).”

Husband and wife must understand sex to not merely be a recreational activity or stress reliever. It is a personal encounter with one’s spouse. It is very easy for both spouses to view sex as just something you do. The man can use his wife as a sexual object. The woman can see sex as simply another chore that needs to be done.

Honestly, I am not sure why traditionally the Church has previously emphasized sexual morality in terms of marriage debts, as if people were objectifying each other by denying each other sexually. While I can see how this could be done, I think it is far more common for one spouse to objectify the spouse in the specific sexual encounters and that often the “marriage debt” has been used to argue in the past that wives must submit to being objectified because they are the only morally legimate thwart against a husband’s other temptations to sexual sin.

I would say though that a wife could love her husband through sex in a similiar way that a man could love his wife by giving her extra back rubs at the end of a busy work week. Or making sure that at the end of the week he arranges a nice dinner to sit and talk with her so that she can have some sort of reward. Sex can very much be a way a man can experience love from his wife. It may not in fact just be a way to get off and objectify her. But there the question is whether this is loving sacrifice or a sense of entitlement? If a woman expects and demands her husband give her as many back rubs at the end of a busy work week, is she loving or taking advantage of her husband’s generocity? Again this is why I don’t like the term “marriage debt” because it turns sex into an obligatory chore rather than an act of love. Of course it is important to emphasis that if acts of love are limited to merely moments where we feel amourous (full of passion for each other), than our love is very self focused. So we should be recognizing that our spouse has a right to our sexual love regardless of whether we’re feeling in the moment or not.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

To me, that sounds as if sexual intimacy is like squeezing a stress ball to at least the husband - just an act that one does to relax, like deep breathing or thinking of a “happy place.” I don’t see how that sort of attitude could achieve being unitive. It’s not for me to say, but the way she has related it to you sounds as though her husband is a bit of a sex addict - wanting her to service him when she is getting the kids ready for school.

What I really want to know is why is she telling you all of this?



I would say something along the lines of, “You know, your sex life is your own business and I sure can’t help you with it, so let’s talk about religion and politics instead!” LOLZ.

 

[cmscms]

I don’t see much wrong here. Sex in the car is ill-advised, of course, and ideally there shouldn’t be a feeling of “must.”

But other than that, I’m not sure what behavior you are critiquing here? The frequency? That is up to each couple.

First I want to thank everyone for their honest replies.

The behaviour I am critiquing (which I did not originally post because I first want to see how this thread would go over before putting in too much detail) is her attitude about it.

First off for her to ‘go out for lunch’ only to come back and constantly talk about how she just can’t wait to go home for a shower when we are suppose to be getting some work done and she just doesn’t want to think is disgusting.

Next for her to show off her diamonds and say she deserves them because she ‘helps’ her husband make the sale is almost like selling sex IMO

And, she is always telling me how she likes to say to her husband ‘Would you like some chikie for free’ makes me wonder how far can flirting go in a marriage

I know for a fact they are using contraceptives but I leave the judgement to God

And lastly what really disgust me is she says she ‘fakes it’ so her husband will leave her alone and she is sure he pretends he thinks she is genuine. To me that is dishonesty. In a loving marriage what is so wrong with the woman being honest and saying it isn’t going to happen for her but she was happy to help her husband. Isn’t it only normal for these things to happen once in a while?

And as RJ said, the fact she tells me all this is disturbing

CM

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I feel that is a completely inappropriate conversation for you to have and come and share with us. I don’t think it is entirely healthy of you to focus on your coworker’s sex life.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s nasty. I’d be tempted to report her to HR for talking about what she did on her lunch break. She sounds like what men used to do before THEY got scared about sexual harassment. Brag about how many times and with whom and where they were doing it.

The whole thing is just gross. I’d leave the area as soon as the topic comes up. Just go back to work, or go to the bathroom, or whatever. She’ll get the message soon enough, that you aren’t interested in her escapades.

Whatever they do in private is their business (and it sounds like a business to her at least) but she shouldn’t be bringing it into the workplace.

:tsktsk:

 

[Luvtosew]

Its way to much info, and if I were you I’d tell my co worker I don’t want to hear about her sex life, and if she starts talking about it again, I’d re-inforce it to her.

Every married couples sex life is different and well should be kept between the two of them.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t see much wrong here. Sex in the car is ill-advised, of course, and ideally there shouldn’t be a feeling of “must.”

But other than that, I’m not sure what behavior you are critiquing here? The frequency? That is up to each couple.

I probably shouldn’t be posting in this thread but sin is one thing, while sensibilities are another. I’m personally saddened, grossed out or downright offended by many aspects of how people these days refer to sex, to their bodies, to other such things. But it’s hard to imagine “insufficient (cultural) refinement” as a sin, well, maybe some kind of venial, based on failure to grow in this or that, so yeah, one could say that, but I still need to get over it. Everybody has a million of such sins spanning all areas of life, as far as I understand, so it’s rather artificial to focus on that single imperfection in a person where there may be other stuff of bigger weight and urgency.

This said, sexual relations should correspond with the human dignity of each spouse, should be open to (“ordered towards”) the good of each of the spouses, and also related to the passing on of life. Selfishly using a spouse’s body, in a way removed from the personal relationship with its proper context, would be similar to masturbation. That is a point where it shouldn’t go. I suppose the less than ideal situations of being asked for it are part of the “living with it” part of marriage, so to say, metaphorically (“gift of self” in personalistic theology language, possibly to do with humility and compassion, as in not being above the spouse’s “such needs” or disdaining him or her for having them).

Another problem seems to be growth is gradual rather than becoming perfect within one second. But I don’t want to develop on this because I’m not a theologian and I could come up with some old, already debunked heresy.

 

[defenderoftruth]

That’s nasty. I’d be tempted to report her to HR for talking about what she did on her lunch break. She sounds like what men used to do before THEY got scared about sexual harassment. Brag about how many times and with whom and where they were doing it.

The whole thing is just gross. I’d leave the area as soon as the topic comes up. Just go back to work, or go to the bathroom, or whatever. She’ll get the message soon enough, that you aren’t interested in her escapades.

Whatever they do in private is their business (and it sounds like a business to her at least) but she shouldn’t be bringing it into the workplace.

:tsktsk:

I concur totally.

 

[Debora123]

Ok, there has been a lot of post recently about sex. Some more graphic than others so I will ask my question and see if anyone cares to answer

This is coming from a woman who has never been married

I had a co-worker whose husband was a salesman who had to meet a monthly quota. He would always wait until the end of the month and make all his sales the last week. She told me ‘That is the time I have to give it to him twice a day to help relieve his stress’

She also confided in me that whenever he picked her up at the office for ‘lunch’ they ended up having sex (sometimes in the car). Not to mention when she was getting the kids ready for school and he woke up in a bad mood he actually asked her if she could come to the bedroom for 15 minutes (to which she said she put her foot down)

So, my questions is ‘Since they are married, is this behaviour acceptable? Or would God still frown on it?’

Thanks

CM

Why would God frown down on a married couple having consensual sex??

Perhaps I misunderstood your post…

 

[Debora123]

First I want to thank everyone for their honest replies.

The behaviour I am critiquing (which I did not originally post because I first want to see how this thread would go over before putting in too much detail) is her attitude about it.

First off for her to ‘go out for lunch’ only to come back and constantly talk about how she just can’t wait to go home for a shower when we are suppose to be getting some work done and she just doesn’t want to think is disgusting.

Next for her to show off her diamonds and say she deserves them because she ‘helps’ her husband make the sale is almost like selling sex IMO

And, she is always telling me how she likes to say to her husband ‘Would you like some chikie for free’ makes me wonder how far can flirting go in a marriage

I know for a fact they are using contraceptives but I leave the judgement to God

And lastly what really disgust me is she says she ‘fakes it’ so her husband will leave her alone and she is sure he pretends he thinks she is genuine. To me that is dishonesty. In a loving marriage what is so wrong with the woman being honest and saying it isn’t going to happen for her but she was happy to help her husband. Isn’t it only normal for these things to happen once in a while?

And as RJ said, the fact she tells me all this is disturbing

CM

Ah, I see. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I agree with you. Her behavior is definitely not appropriate.

 

[defenderoftruth]

Why would God frown down on a married couple having consensual sex??

Perhaps I misunderstood your post…

Well the OP forgot to mention in the original post that they use contraception, they sound as though they talk dirty, and she (the wife) is a really bad kiss and tell at work with full details to co-workers. I think that’s what her problem is.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Well the OP forgot to mention in the original post that they use contraception, they sound as though they talk dirty, and she (the wife) is a really bad kiss and tell at work with full details to co-workers. I think that’s what her problem is.

I bet she has bad breath and enjoys Ashton Kutcher movies too. The whole thread seems like idle gossip to me.

 

[Debora123]

Well the OP forgot to mention in the original post that they use contraception, they sound as though they talk dirty, and she (the wife) is a really bad kiss and tell at work with full details to co-workers. I think that’s what her problem is.

Yeah, I figured that out after I wrote the post.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Well the OP forgot to mention in the original post that they use contraception, they sound as though they talk dirty, and she (the wife) is a really bad kiss and tell at work with full details to co-workers. I think that’s what her problem is.

The first (contraception) and the third (kiss and tell) are genuine issues. Not sure that the 2nd one is. Depends what “dirty” means.

That’s my post #666!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The first (contraception) and the third (kiss and tell) are genuine issues. Not sure that the 2nd one is. Depends what “dirty” means.

That’s my post #666!

:bigyikes:

:knight2: Put on the full armor of God against the forces of darkness! LOL

 

[puzzleannie]

Ok
So, my questions is ‘Since they are married, is this behaviour acceptable? Or would God still frown on it?’

Thanks

CM

the question is not whether sex between married persons is acceptable, why wouldn’t it be? the question is why does this woman feel the need to share what is private between she and her husband with third parties? that type of conversation is most definitely unacceptable behavior and you should gently reminder her that you don’t want that much information.