Just need some friendly advice/perspective

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh, wow. I didn’t know you were teenagers.

She probably was so disturbed by your confession that she had to talk about it with her mother. At this stage in the game her parents’ job is to teach her what is a good man and what isn’t and to help her discern who would make a good spouse.

I’d want one of my daughters to question me if she found out something like that about a boy because I’d want to know that about him so I could keep him far from her and not let him be alone with her.

Sorry, dude.

If she were 25, I’d have an issue with her telling her mom. But by then, she would be educated enough and old enough to be able to decide and know what areas were problem areas and how to proceed.

But this is a child who still needs to know what’s a problem and what’s not in a world that teaches false values. I’m glad she is still close enough to her mom to go to her for advice.

You realize now you have no envelope to push. No curfew to break, no line to step over. They’re watching you. And they are probably hoping their daughter breaks up with you.

Porn acts on the same brain receptors as cocaine. It’s an addiction you can’t break once it’s ingrained and it only gets worse. If you have to throw your computer out the window and never log on again, do it. Save your soul. Nothing on the computer is that important to tempt yourself.

Porn is an easy portal for Satan to take over your soul. I’ve seen it destroy people. Get help now. Please.

A wise priest suggested a crucifix by the computer. So that you would always know that the image on the screen should never conflict with the image on the crucifix.

 

[phoenix3212]

FlyingFish nailed it.

Seatuck-
16 (me) and 15 (her).
But in a situation like this, age doesn’t make too much of a difference, granted it does make some difference.

I told her my secret because at that point we had been going out for 4 months already, so the trust was there. I had confidence she wouldn’t tell anyone (guess I was wrong).

Oh, and I asked for the help. In the end, she was the biggest factor to get me to go to Confession. So in a sense it did work. I didn’t tell her to ahem turn her on, I did it for the help.

If more background is needed ask =)

Alright. Your girlfriend did something wrong here, but I really don’t think you should be blaming her. If she told her mother, she must’ve been sufficiently disappointed that you have this habit, and I think you’d agree that’s understandable. My advice is to ask her not to repeat something that private again and just to let this incident go.

Maybe you can get her involved in your quitting process? You can put up one of those filters that notifies a trusted person if you view a porn site and make her that person. In this way, she knows that you’re actually making a genuine effort.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Too much responsibility for a young girl. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be the person some teenage boy reports to.

He needs to find his father or an uncle or someone to guide him. Have THAT person be his computer guardian.

 

[phoenix3212]

Too much responsibility for a young girl. I wouldn’t want my daughter to be the person some teenage boy reports to.

He needs to find his father or an uncle or someone to guide him. Have THAT person be his computer guardian.

Perhaps it would be too much responsibility for her, but I don’t think his father holding that responsibility would do him any good. Being a teenager myself, and I think that having a parent know exactly when their kid slips up would be absolutely terrifying. Ideally, this is best kept between a person and God, but in other scenarios I’d think it would be more comfortable and therefore more productive if someone other than a parent had that responsibility.

 

[tbcrawford]

Hey all,

Well today was rough for me and my girlfriend. She admited that 4 months ago she told her mom about my ummmm bad “guy” habit I have, if you know what I mean. (I’m beating it though) Anyway, I’m getting bent out of shape over this. It’s my biggest secret and, personally, I think her mom had no reason at all to know, so I feel betrayed by my girlfriends acts. I also lost a little trust.

So, my question is- how bad is this really? Did she do anything wrong? Am I overreacting? How should I respond?

Sorry guys thats a lot! If details are needed, just ask!

Thanks in advance,
coolduude

Hi the way you describe “your ummm bad guy habit” suggests you think its not too serious…being into porn.It is serious im afraid.I dont want to upset you as we later find out you are only 16yrs old but it is not only a sin but degradating to women also.It makes women feel insecure and deeply hurt.It also concerns me the “minds” of people who need porn.
You have described it as a habit this is concerning… me as you should try to realise sex is for pro-creation and as you are only 16yrs and not married you shouldnt be thinking this way.I understand your hormones are all over the place but this is what we have to learn… self discipline as practising catholics.Emotionally sex is extremely difficult to understand apart from the physical side of things.
I dont know how close you are to your Mother/Father but these should be who you talk to or your priest.You need to re-evaluate your views on sex i think.I dont want to upset you my friend at all im trying to guide you the right way is all.
Please also respect the girlfriend is only 15 you are both kids emotionally and becoming adults physically.
As you say perhaps you blew out of proportion girlfriend confiding in mum…
you did, as she should be telling mum, if you have been discussing sex(porn is sex related of coursed)it clearly worried her quite rightly so.She sounds a good sensible girl.I hope you guys can be friends.
God bless

 

[tbcrawford]

Sorry, coolduude, but if your girlfriend were my daughter, I would be grateful she sought my guidance. She is still a child. If you two were adults, I would think differently about her talking to her mom about it, but she is a kid and probably needed help in sorting out how she feels and what her next move should be.

I would tell my daughter to run from you like a rabbit from a pack of wolves. Porn habits cause so much pain and destruction and loss of self-esteem in the women whose men indulge in that vice… I would not wish that for my daughter. I would refuse to attend if she married you, as I could not approve of her hitching her ship to your anchor.

Men who use porn hurt their lovers. And no one’s hurting my little girl while I can do anything about it.

On a deeper level, use of porn indicates a disordered view of sexuality. I don’t think she could have a valid, sacramental, spiritually nourishing marriage with you. If you were to give up porn usage and be able to stay away from it for five years without lapsing, then I would say she is safer taking the chance on marrying you.

This is excellent advice listen to Salty Sirena

 

[coolduude]

Hi the way you describe “your ummm bad guy habit” suggests you think its not too serious

Oh, no I just said that so I didn’t have to come out right away and say what it is. No, I completly understand the gravity of the situation, and your point is taken.

Sorry for any confusion

 

[coolduude]

Sorry, coolduude, but if your girlfriend were my daughter, I would be grateful she sought my guidance. She is still a child. If you two were adults, I would think differently about her talking to her mom about it, but she is a kid and probably needed help in sorting out how she feels and what her next move should be.

I would tell my daughter to run from you like a rabbit from a pack of wolves. Porn habits cause so much pain and destruction and loss of self-esteem in the women whose men indulge in that vice… I would not wish that for my daughter. I would refuse to attend if she married you, as I could not approve of her hitching her ship to your anchor.

Men who use porn hurt their lovers. And no one’s hurting my little girl while I can do anything about it.

On a deeper level, use of porn indicates a disordered view of sexuality. I don’t think she could have a valid, sacramental, spiritually nourishing marriage with you. If you were to give up porn usage and be able to stay away from it for five years without lapsing, then I would say she is safer taking the chance on marrying you.

tbcrawford- I understand the point of this post however I think it was inappropriate. I feel that as long as I’m making a good, genuine effort to stop, people should not run from me “like a rabbit from a pack of wolves”.

I think Salty Sirena has an incomplete view of me as a person, and as such, made a biased assumption (no offense). So again, I feel that as long as I’m maing a genuine effort to stop my “habit”, people should not run from me, as was suggested by another poster as well.

Is not an effort good enough?

 

[GraceDK]

Hey all,

Well today was rough for me and my girlfriend. She admited that 4 months ago she told her mom about my ummmm bad “guy” habit I have, if you know what I mean. (I’m beating it though) Anyway, I’m getting bent out of shape over this. It’s my biggest secret and, personally, I think her mom had no reason at all to know, so I feel betrayed by my girlfriends acts. I also lost a little trust.

So, my question is- how bad is this really? Did she do anything wrong? Am I overreacting? How should I respond?

Sorry guys thats a lot! If details are needed, just ask!

Thanks in advance,
coolduude

I think it was wrong of your gf.
However, I think you need to understand that she proabably shared it with some one else because she felt it was too heavy to bear this burden and maybe cannot even begin to adequately explain to you how much you hurt her through your “guy-habit”.
Sometimes through our sins we cause others to stumble.
I think maybe the two of you need to have a talk about how dedicated you both are to this relationship.

 

[GraceDK]

I agree with Salty on all her points.
I would not want my daughter to be with a porn-user and I would not want to date a porn user. In fact I think its morally wrong of a guy (or girl) to actually become steady gf or bf and only THEN reveal that one is involved in the degrading perversion and impurity that porn is. Porn is something that disturbs a relationship in an especially cruel way because its a sort of adultery and certainly impurity.
So I agree with those who say: postpone the relationship until you got this taken care of. This girl is 15 and you are probably already damaging her views of guys, sex and love by getting involved with her while you have this problem…
Sorry, I know this is harsh… but you gotta understand you should not offer this kind of burden to someone you love.

 

[jenlovesyu]

Everyone here has given you exactly the kind of advice you need to hear. I know some of it may sound harsh or perhaps difficult to do, but if you really love and respect this girl you will let her go. I am happy for you that you are trying to stop this unfortunate habit. However, a month’s time without doing it isn’t long enough to know that you are strong enough to avoid it in the future. People with addictions can go several months being clean but then fall back down once they let their guard down. I am not trying to be discouraging I am just trying to help you understand that it may take much longer than you think to kick the habit.

You both are very young. You may not think so but trust me, I am only 19 and even I am willing to admit that I am still young and immature.
Porn is more dangerous than our messed up world likes to say it is. Those images you see will haunt you for many years to come. They will creep up in the most innocent moments, they will plague your dreams and mess with your mind. If you don’t do everything you can now to kick the habit (confession, receiving the Eucharist, regularly speaking with a good male mentor, learning all you can about human sexuality through Catholic teaching, etc), Satan will use your weakness against you to ruin your future relationships with women, especially your future wife.

Do what you can now to protect yourself and your girlfriend. Don’t put her at risk by keeping her in a relationship with you while you tackle this very serious and difficult battle.

May God bless you and help you overcome these difficult temptations!

 

[dashso40]

FlyingFish nailed it.

Seatuck-
16 (me) and 15 (her).
But in a situation like this, age doesn’t make too much of a difference, granted it does make some difference.

I told her my secret because at that point we had been going out for 4 months already, so the trust was there. I had confidence she wouldn’t tell anyone (guess I was wrong).

Oh, and I asked for the help. In the end, she was the biggest factor to get me to go to Confession. So in a sense it did work. I didn’t tell her to ahem turn her on, I did it for the help.

If more background is needed ask =)

You are both too young to seriously date…if she was an adult, she should not go to her mother but she’s a kid and should go to her…

 

[Jesuslives]

What bad guy habit? Maybe this was something that should not have been discussed with a girlfriend anyway.

Girlfriend should not have betrayed the confidence though. That’s the number one rule for marriage wrt in law relations. Not to be telling everything to your family because they have a lot of trouble forgiving and forgetting on their loved ones behalf.

Just how old are you two, anyway?

Maybe it is something that should have never been a problem. I really think men think this is something when just don’t “get”. Or you all have that “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” mentality.

She had every right to know. It can negatively impact people’s lives, it could get worse and she would find out later on down the line it could hurt a lot more.

 

[jenlovesyu]

**Maybe it is something that should have never been a problem. I really think men think this is something when just don’t “get”. Or you all have that “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” mentality. **

She had every right to know. It can negatively impact people’s lives, it could get worse and she would find out later on down the line it could hurt a lot more.

I don’t think that is really a fair thing to say. The OP is a teenager, and while I am NOT trying to justify his sinful behavior, he IS at a very vulnerable stage in his life. Perhaps he was poorly taught about healthy human sexuality. He needs help with his problem and needs proper guidance.

Btw, men aren’t the only ones who deal with pornography or major sexual sins like masturbation.

For we all have sinned and fall short of God’s glory!

God bless

 

[Jesuslives]

Hey all,

Well today was rough for me and my girlfriend. She admited that 4 months ago she told her mom about my ummmm bad “guy” habit I have, if you know what I mean. (I’m beating it though) Anyway, I’m getting bent out of shape over this. It’s my biggest secret and, personally, I think her mom had no reason at all to know, so I feel betrayed by my girlfriends acts. I also lost a little trust.

So, my question is- how bad is this really? Did she do anything wrong? Am I overreacting? How should I respond?

Sorry guys thats a lot! If details are needed, just ask!

Thanks in advance,
coolduude

As someone who has been in her position. This hurts so bad for a girl. she probably needed someone to talk to. Give her a break -really.

This is something that can get worse. So how bad is it really? EXTREMELY BAD. Society is infiltrated with it and many will tell you it’s okay. But it’s not. IF you want a happy marriage someday, quit now. Stay away from it. Seriously it is poison to your soul. We are not sex objects, we are humans. Think about those girls in Thailand that are sold into sex slavery for American and European men to prey on. It is sick and this is what porn has perpetuated.

 

[Jesuslives]

I don’t think that is really a fair thing to say. The OP is a teenager, and while I am NOT trying to justify his sinful behavior, he IS at a very vulnerable stage in his life. Perhaps he was poorly taught about healthy human sexuality. He needs help with his problem and needs proper guidance.

Btw, men aren’t the only ones who deal with pornography or major sexual sins like masturbation.

For we all have sinned and fall short of God’s glory!

God bless

I am definitely not saying men are the only ones who deal with this. I just think that his girlfriend has a right to know about someone she may have been falling for. I found out the hard way and way too late for me to make an objective decision. Now her finding out may be the reason that he changes. And she can also protect herself if she has to.

 

[jenlovesyu]

I am definitely not saying men are the only ones who deal with this. I just think that his girlfriend has a right to know about someone she may have been falling for. I found out the hard way and way too late for me to make an objective decision. Now her finding out may be the reason that he changes. And she can also protect herself if she has to.

And I totally agree with you

 

[tbcrawford]

FlyingFish nailed it.

Seatuck-
16 (me) and 15 (her).
But in a situation like this, age doesn’t make too much of a difference, granted it does make some difference.

I told her my secret because at that point we had been going out for 4 months already, so the trust was there. I had confidence she wouldn’t tell anyone (guess I was wrong).

Oh, and I asked for the help. In the end, she was the biggest factor to get me to go to Confession. So in a sense it did work. I didn’t tell her to ahem turn her on, I did it for the help.

If more background is needed ask =)

Hi you have been given more good advice im just concerned about your attitude and how you view relationships in general…

You say “But in a situation like this,age doesnt make too much of a difference,granted it does make some difference”…She is 15 you are 16 it makes a huge difference.Why are you discussing sexual natured topics at this age with you 15yr old girlfriend?

Then you say …“I told her my secret because at that point we had been dating for 4 months already so the trust was there”…
4 months in an adult relationship is a very short time but 4 months in a 15yr old and 16yr old couples relationship is very different sex shouldnt even be on the agenda!
I feel it would be very helpful for you to talk to your parents if they are not the right people for you then ask you priest if he or someone he could direct you to could talk about conducting relationships as a teenager.How to deal with sexual attraction our impulses what the catholic church teaches about all these things.
Im glad you felt “the trust was there” however she did the right thing confiding to her mum i would expect my daughter to do so.She is only 15 and she may well feel you broke her trust by your “habit”.
As i said before i hope you guys can be friends.I think hold fire on the relationship side of life until you are more ready and equipped to deal with “feelings” and desires and what the catholic church teaches about these things.
You are a lovely innocent young man however and i dont want you to think im “having a go” i can see the goodness and innocence in you.Many non religious teenagers would not find this a problem.You are better than them as you are aware.Well done for seeking advice hope this and all the others posters have helped.I wish you well my love and prayers are with you.Let us know how you get on seeking a spiritual advisor.
God bless