Just needing to vent...Please advise...thank you

[iluvmybabies]

Good day…Sorry again for my rantings and babblings and need for support. I don’t have many friends around here, most live back home in California, and since we are 2 hours difference no way of getting a hold of them for a few hours… But unfortunately feeling ****** and could use some advice…

First a little history…on the reason why I feel ******: I havent’ seen my family in almost 4 years…Parent’s finally came down to see the children for their First Holy Communion. It was lovely and wonderful but at a cost…As soon as my parents walked in they reminded me why I have moved so far away…One of my friends whom knows our history asked me “When are you going to forgive them?!” And I told her I did…She told me she didn’t think I did because I still remember…I told her Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you automatically forget…30 years of the same thing doesn’t go away from your mind that easily…

I made 3 mistakes-seems-, the first one was because the month of April I couldn’t afford to rent the carpet shampooer…The second one, my basement was flooded, we were having short circuits and electrical issues so I didn’t go to the basement for about 3 weeks, and most of the clothes were severely damaged…But I feared for my life in the case of a spark…THe basement was picked up and taken care of by the time they were here, but the clothes were just ruined…The third I am according to my mother, an animal abuser-because I keep my dogs indoor?!

As much as I tried to explain about the funds not available for the carpets, I shampoo once a month or once every 2 months… That month I just didn’t have the funds…I didn’t stop hearing it the entire week I was on vacation with them…It was the worst vacation I had. Since my bf spends most of his time in my home and helps me with my children, my parents got on his case about the carpet and the clothes as if they are all his responsibilities…He let them know that he as going to help me with the clothes and carpets but that they were coming to visit so he spent most of the time preparing for their arrival…Then the dog. I know some of you might remember this but I have always had problems with the neighborly church and my pets…Always trying to kick me out of the neighborhood…SO My dogs stay inside…I let them out once or twice a day to run around and do their business and then back in the house. Since our beagle likes to go to the bathroom in the carpet she sleeps in the basement where we have an additional couch where she sleeps. But according to my mother that is animal cruelty!

She used to keep our lab/rott outside 24/7, rain or shine, cold or hot and she’s telling me animal cruelty? As if I want the dog pound called on me again because the beagle is barking at the church people all the time???! I guess she forgot the reason why I don’t let the dogs out but a couple of times to do their business?!

while they were here parents decided they wanted the kids for summer…I said that was fine they could come and get them and keep them…they agreed. Well all of a sudden, they were like “no you need to drop them off and stay for a while!” I was like I have to work. They were like “it’s a piece of **** job you’ll get a better one here, I mean you could find better jobs out there!” I was like I am not moving in with you in California…They responded by telling me that I have a piece of **** bf, I need to leave him and move back home NOW because I am being cruel to the dog, and cruel to the children by denying them to be with their family!!! That I am ungrateful, and I have made nothing but mistakes, I am lazy and dirty, I am a slob, and that I need to move back home with them… That I need to leave my bf because he’s lazy…And I got a bunch of things rubbed into my face…Like how they send the kids gifts for birthdays and Christmas and Easter, etc…

The only things they complained about my house was the carpet, and the clothes and basement…BUT I am dirty and a slob and a good for nothing?! My yard was perfect the rest of the house was perfect even the basement was acceptable and I get told off…

I am a bit depressed, upset, confused and really disappointed…I know it’s another way of their manipulation and I feel resentment against them…I don’t want to feel this way…I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t even be thinking about this to just get over it…but I honestly believed my parents were going to treat me with a little respect…And I feel humiliated and it’s hard not to feel such a way…

Any advise is greatly appreciated…Thank you!

 

[Sr_Sally]

So sorry you had a bad visit with your parents!!! :grouphug::hug3::console:

I don’t have lots of advice–I am impressed that you shampoo your carpets every month!! Does that help? I vacuum regularly, but only shampoo once a year or if we have a big spill.

Also about your basement–are you renting? Does your landlord know about the water and can they help you with the clean up and costs–you might even need to have an electrictian out to check the wiring down there.

You have a bit of time to calm down before the summer and the kids going to grandma and grandpa. Hopefully they will calm down too and you can work out a compromise for travel. Maybe they can pick up the kids and then you can plan to spend a week with them at the end of the summer when the kids come back. Say you want to do your back to school shopping with them or somehting similar. Also gives you more time to schedule time off at work.

 

[srlucado]

If it helps, I don’t blame you one bit for being upset.

Too bad they couldn’t be supportive instead of hurtful. Clearly, they are seeing things from their selfish perspective, not what is best for you & the kids.

 

[Cristiano]

I am 50 and sometime I still get **** from my mother when I call home on the weekends.
If I am working on something, I get **** because I am doing everything in the house and my wife is a lazy person. If I am not doing what she expects me to do it, then I get **** because I am an irresponsible son.
Sometime I do not know if to offer it to God as a suffering or if to consider it a form of insane entertainment. Lately I have been looking at it as a for of entertainment.

It is not you! They have their own issues and they do not know how to deal with them!

 

[iluvmybabies]

So sorry you had a bad visit with your parents!!! :grouphug::hug3::console:

I don’t have lots of advice–I am impressed that you shampoo your carpets every month!! Does that help? I vacuum regularly, but only shampoo once a year or if we have a big spill.

Also about your basement–are you renting? Does your landlord know about the water and can they help you with the clean up and costs–you might even need to have an electrictian out to check the wiring down there.

You have a bit of time to calm down before the summer and the kids going to grandma and grandpa. Hopefully they will calm down too and you can work out a compromise for travel. Maybe they can pick up the kids and then you can plan to spend a week with them at the end of the summer when the kids come back. Say you want to do your back to school shopping with them or somehting similar. Also gives you more time to schedule time off at work.

Hi Sr Sally!! Thanks for the hugs, needed that big time!! I have to, before we moved in the landlord promised he would change the carpet to a darker one, hahaha right! They are a dark cream color, really hard to keep looking dark cream, most of the time they look brown from everyone walking around…Usually my friends 2 of them come over 2x+ a week, and I have 3 kids, now only 2 dogs-because my daughter’s puppy was stolen-got yelled at because my daughter slept with her puppy so to make my parents happy kept taking the dog out all day long-dog got taken- then they were 3 dogs, and about 7 of my kids’ friends about 2+ days of the week…

Oh yeah carpets needed to have that done to them…Sometimes they were able to wait for 2-3 months, but not recently with rain and stuff…UGH!!

Yes renting, landlord after 2 years of living there finally fixed the leaking bathroom, the rotting floor, and the leaky kitchen faucet…No I have mentioned it before, he “fixed” the leaky roof by adding more of the black stuff to where the whole was at… And the electrician thing, one came down and said everything was fine that it was because the washer was too old and causing those problems…But that is should be better with a newer washer…

I work part-time 30+ hours, I don’t get benefits…And since I took that vacation week off while parents were here that week fell behind and am still trying to catch up…It was a month ago…And still unable to catch up…Right after I had bronchitis and sinus infection, still on antibiotics… Been one mess after another…I am unable to take another week off. Parent’s want me to drop off the kids, I can’t do that…They want me to stay a few days while the kids settle with them, I am unable to do that…They are out for summer vacation all ready…the deal had been my parents came to pick them up, but they changed their minds and now want me to leave everything I have and worked hard for to go back home to them and I can’t do that…

It’s a no win situation it seems! Thanks for your help! Greatly appreciated. When I came back to work and my boss asked how the vacation was I told her I needed a vacation to recover from my vacation!! She told me she knew the feeling!!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

If it helps, I don’t blame you one bit for being upset.

Too bad they couldn’t be supportive instead of hurtful. Clearly, they are seeing things from their selfish perspective, not what is best for you & the kids.

Thanks for the support… It seems no matter what I try I will never be good enough for my parents…Nothing I ever do… I remember they couldn’t afford a shampooer when I was growing up and never shampooed their carpets…We lived in the same house for like 10 years and for 4 of those ten they finally bought one after they saved some money for it and started shampooing their carpets…AND because that week that they were here, that month, I couldn’t afford to go rent the 50 dollar shampooer I got told I was everything they always knew I was…Worthless…AND because a few clothes did get ruined, I was told that too and because I keep the dogs indoor?! UGH!

Now my bf is worthless and so am I! Things just get better…

Thanks for the support, it’s greatly appreciated…

 

[Eucharisted]

Thanks for the support… It seems no matter what I try I will never be good enough for my parents…Nothing I ever do… I remember they couldn’t afford a shampooer when I was growing up and never shampooed their carpets…We lived in the same house for like 10 years and for 4 of those ten they finally bought one after they saved some money for it and started shampooing their carpets…AND because that week that they were here, that month, I couldn’t afford to go rent the 50 dollar shampooer I got told I was everything they always knew I was…Worthless…AND because a few clothes did get ruined, I was told that too and because I keep the dogs indoor?! UGH!

Now my bf is worthless and so am I! Things just get better…

Thanks for the support, it’s greatly appreciated…

Pray for them, and leave it in God’s hands.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am 50 and sometime I still get **** from my mother when I call home on the weekends.
If I am working on something, I get **** because I am doing everything in the house and my wife is a lazy person. If I am not doing what she expects me to do it, then I get **** because I am an irresponsible son.
Sometime I do not know if to offer it to God as a suffering or if to consider it a form of insane entertainment. Lately I have been looking at it as a for of entertainment.

It is not you! They have their own issues and they do not know how to deal with them!

Hi Cristiano…thanks for the support! My parents have always wanted to have full control of everything. Since they moved to another country from their parent’s and their parent’s passed away without them being able to spend any time with them, it has always been their fear to never see their kids before they pass on and they don’t want that to happen! I understand dearly and deeply but not at the cost of my sanity! When I tried to “blame” my parents for the way I felt about myself- I have the worst self esteem ever- my mother would always compare me to my sister since she’s 5’6’ 115lbs, 2 kids, 27… And I have always been a thick person. I am 5’5.5" and used to weigh 125lbs…Now I weigh double that…BUT even then I thought I was the fattest thing in the world and tried to get as skinny as my sister because I wanted to have mommies’ approval and love…I was 21 then btw… lol I know pathetic and when I was in hs and a size 4-5 I wanted to be a size 0 like my sister because I was FAT! Sister is 3.5 years younger…And when I rubbed that in their face I was told to quit blaming everyone for my uncontrollable hunger and to get over it and work out some more…LOL I was athletic always played sports my sister was just skinny…never played sports till hs then she was a baton girl…or a flag girl something like that…

So they have always tried to have some kind of control and I always ran away from them. I moved far away from my family for that reason…they still don’t understand…

My sis in law, brother’s wife…TOLD me she couldn’t stand the way my mother was with me and my kids…AND she would never let her do that to her kids…Always blamed my kids for everything…her house was dirty-my kids, my niece got hurt-my kids…My kids don’t remember but my daughter at age 7 asked me why grandma didn’t love her like she loved her cousin?! It was heart breaking and I moved away as fast as I could…My mother complains to me how my brother lets his wife demand him not to bring the children around…And after that visit and what she’s doing to me now I understand why she’s doing that…I know it seems wrong but let me tell you I understand them. Believe me I appreciate everything my family has done for me, everything and I love them but I just don’t know what to do… I thought we were having a good relationship and starting over and I am back down to the freaking floor again!!!

Yeah I do get **** too…For everything…I am not wearing proper clothes, I look to fat, I need to lose weight, I can’t yell at the kids, I can’t yell at the dogs, even if I am tired I have to do everything around the house and get over it…otherwise I am worthless…Even though my house was spick and span except for the carpet-vaccuuming wasn’t enough- I was still good for nothing…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Pray for them, and leave it in God’s hands.

Thank you will remember this…Will definitely pray harder for them…thank you!

 

[raaucoin]

Hi

Similar experience in being frustrated with parents. I finally had to accept that they were not going to change and that I continued to feel angry, frustrated, hurt,disappointed…etc. because I continuously expected that THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT. I never is. But what is different is that I now recognize that their criticism and the like has nothing to do with who I am. It is about some pain that they have. In recognizing that, I am able to do for them what I do with anyone in pain. I pray for them.

I see them as wounded little children and as annoying as they can be- I would never inflict added pain on a wounded child but rather try to deal with them compassionately. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is to pray for them.

And also, pray that the Lord will give you his strength with which He endured such agonizing criticism, degradation, and frustration. You may also if you haven’t already, seek some Counseling- preferably Catholic. And when you need a Mother 's love, there is no better mother to be devoted to than the Blessed Mother. Let her wrap her arms around you

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi

Similar experience in being frustrated with parents. I finally had to accept that they were not going to change and that I continued to feel angry, frustrated, hurt,disappointed…etc. because I continuously expected that THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT. I never is. But what is different is that I now recognize that their criticism and the like has nothing to do with who I am. It is about some pain that they have. In recognizing that, I am able to do for them what I do with anyone in pain. I pray for them.

I see them as wounded little children and as annoying as they can be- I would never inflict added pain on a wounded child but rather try to deal with them compassionately. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is to pray for them.

And also, pray that the Lord will give you his strength with which He endured such agonizing criticism, degradation, and frustration. You may also if you haven’t already, seek some Counseling- preferably Catholic. And when you need a Mother 's love, there is no better mother to be devoted to than the Blessed Mother. Let her wrap her arms around you

Thank you raaucoin for your help and support…I know I was just being ridiculous angry for no reason… Thanks…I had been in such peace with my parents for so long, this just shocked me again…Anyhow will keep that in mind! God bless…

 

[kage_ar]

Remember, while they may not have the best way of expressing it, they love you and want what is best for you. Maybe they see that the house has not been kept the best by the landlord and they want you to be safe and healthy by living in a better place.

Maybe you could begin putting that $50 per month toward buying a carpet shampooer? Until that time, INSIST that everyone take shoes off in the house and that the dog mess is cleaned up as soon as it happens - this does mean that KIDS learn to clean up the mess when it happens (get some spray cleaner or use soap/water and vinegar). Your mom wants you to have a nice house, that is normal!

Some people here have expressed concern about your boyfriend, his immaturity and not working, heck, you have expressed frustration over it. Your parents want to see you in a stable relationship with a man who WILL take care of you. They may not express it in the right way, but, their heart is in the right place.

Sure, your mom does not want you to yell at the kids and dogs. Maybe spend some time working on parenting skills and get a good dog training book from the library. It will lower YOUR stress.

And of course you mom wants you to be healthy and fit.

Look past they way they phrase things, see the intent and know they do have you and the kids best interest at heart!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Remember, while they may not have the best way of expressing it, they love you and want what is best for you. Maybe they see that the house has not been kept the best by the landlord and they want you to be safe and healthy by living in a better place.

Thanks for your help and advise… And I agree, we used to live in a place when I was younger like the one I live in now, except back then the rent was only 300 dollars now it’s 500 dollars…And I am a “single” mom…Both parent’s worked…And I don’t get any child support, at least not any more so it makes things a little more difficult to find a more decent place to live…I am grateful I even have this place at least it’s in a more decent neighborhood…Other wise I would have to find a way to come up with 900 bucks a month! Can’t afford that…

Maybe you could begin putting that $50 per month toward buying a carpet shampooer? Until that time, INSIST that everyone take shoes off in the house and that the dog mess is cleaned up as soon as it happens - this does mean that KIDS learn to clean up the mess when it happens (get some spray cleaner or use soap/water and vinegar). Your mom wants you to have a nice house, that is normal!

Easier said than done… Like I said I don’t know many whom would shampoo their carpet 1 to every 2 months…My mother even with a shampooer would do it once every 3 months or so…Actually they bought me one and said no more excuses for dirty carpet…You should see it now…I shampoo every week…I don’t care if it molds the floor at least the carpet stays clean… And no according to mother kids aren’t supposed to do anything…except their bedroom… Dogs don’t make messes in the house, that’s why beagle in basement…Puppy made the messes in the kids’ room because I was pleasing my daughter since mother said I was ruining her…SO I let her and her dog do whatever they wanted and then I got bitched at for it…LOL AND I do…I have a roof over my head, I keep it up, and clean, because I am not slaving myself over keeping the carpet washed on a daily basis? My parent’s carpet has always been a dark color, duh you don’t need to wash what you can’t see…Like I said even with a carpet washer mother only washed ever 3 months…And I am expected every week because the landlord decided to stick with the tan carpet…

Some people here have expressed concern about your boyfriend, his immaturity and not working, heck, you have expressed frustration over it. Your parents want to see you in a stable relationship with a man who WILL take care of you. They may not express it in the right way, but, their heart is in the right place.

Yes and it has been stressing because first of all, he was working before, was very independent and all…All of a sudden gets into this car accident, falls into this depression that he can’t get out of, yes very stressing…But he’s trying and I am being patient with him because when I am stressed I don’t want to do anything either…Because I have my children I get up in the morning… And that’s just the thing, I have always had the biggest problem with accepting the man as head of household…Especially after seeing my mother always begging my father for money even though she worked and my past relationship when I was stuck begging my exhusand for money!! UGH!! :sad_yes::nope::crying::whacky::bowdown::ehh: I know I am trying to accept the man head of household thing…And still am trying, but I am making it on my own…That I don’t have luxuries or even could have afforded a carpet shampooer, doesn’t mean I need a man to support me…

Sure, your mom does not want you to yell at the kids and dogs. Maybe spend some time working on parenting skills and get a good dog training book from the library. It will lower YOUR stress.

Ok show me someone that has never raised their voice at dogs nor kids??? Even with patience eventually a raising willa come!!!

And of course you mom wants you to be healthy and fit.

And so do I…unfortunately it’s not by my choice that I am big or overweight… After my divorce things weren’t going all that great…I was diagnosed with cancerous cells, PCOS, hormonal imbalances…My body has been going throuhg hell right now and I am fighting hard…Even my doctor can’t understand why I am not losing weight…Of course I want to be healthy and fit, whom in their right mind doesn’t? I am not big because I want to be, you know?! lol

Look past they way they phrase things, see the intent and know they do have you and the kids best interest at heart!

Perhaps you are right I should look at it as a good thing but when you have been told all your life you are a nothing whatever comes out of their mouths whether good intentions or not doesn’t help you get passed that…but thanks anyhow! GOD bless…

 

[catholickitten]

Aaaww hugs , I’m really sorry you had to go through that… I don’t blame you.

Just be happy that you live far away from them, and NO way move near them, I can only imagine how bad it could get having to take that on a daily basis… I mean, it’s easy to be patient one time, but on a daily basis? Anyone could snap…

I know it feels bad because they’re your parents and you don’t feel that should be the way to feel towards them, but not all can be perfect in life, so, it’s better if you forgive, and then just take the necessary measure to not let those type of episodes happen again.

Hope by now you’re feeling better

 

[iluvmybabies]

Aaaww hugs , I’m really sorry you had to go through that… I don’t blame you.

Just be happy that you live far away from them, and NO way move near them, I can only imagine how bad it could get having to take that on a daily basis… I mean, it’s easy to be patient one time, but on a daily basis? Anyone could snap…

I know it feels bad because they’re your parents and you don’t feel that should be the way to feel towards them, but not all can be perfect in life, so, it’s better if you forgive, and then just take the necessary measure to not let those type of episodes happen again.

Hope by now you’re feeling better

Thanks…I do, just you know trying to understand them…things were so peaceful between us and it hurts that the only way they can show that they care is by putting me down and telling and rubbing things in my face over and over and over again, very disappointing! But oh well, I am over it and am grateful I do have my parents. I hope GOD can console them and guide them and give them lots of love and blessings! Thanks everyone for your help, support and concern! God bless!

 

[Salonika]

Dear iluvmybabies

What a visit - hope you are feeling a bit better now and that some of our comments and advice help.

Salonika

iluvmybabies:

As soon as my parents walked in they reminded me why I have moved so far away…One of my friends whom knows our history asked me “When are you going to forgive them?!” And I told her I did…She told me she didn’t think I did because I still remember…

For me forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. Yes, we should forgive so we can get rid of the baggage and live in the present. But I don’t think we should forget - we don’t want to accept a reptition of previous behaviour whether from the same person or from somone else.

iluvmybabies:

30 years of the same thing doesn’t go away from your mind that easily…

Agree - some previous incidents or behaviours just hit us especially when we are vulnerable. That’s why we need to have techniques to lower the impact when it happens or to avoid it happening.

Also it isn’t good for your children to hear such arguments and such putting down of their mother. Seems your parents have the best intentions for their grandchildren so this may be a way of getting them to modify their behaviour.

If modification doesn’t occur it may mean that all those involved have to agree that some topics are off limits for the sake of the children.

iluvmybabies:

I made 3 mistakes-seems … As much as I tried to explain …

Think sometimes we have to stop explaining/justifying as this gives critical people more ammunition about what they consider we are doing wrongly. If the other person won’t stop then we may need to walk away. Not easy with parents or in your parents’ house.

Also sometimes if people are critical of us - proving they are wrong about their criticism often doesn’t stop it, it makes it worse. They may say “okay” about the current instance and then drag something else that we have done or not done.

iluvmybabies:

They responded by telling me that I have a piece of **** bf, I need to leave him and move back home NOW because I am being cruel to the dog, and cruel to the children by denying them to be with their family!!! That I am ungrateful, and I have made nothing but mistakes, I am lazy and dirty, I am a slob, and that I need to move back home with them… That I need to leave my bf because he’s lazy…And I got a bunch of things rubbed into my face…Like how they send the kids gifts for birthdays and Christmas and Easter, etc…

May be totally off key but this comment reminded me of an uncle who considered that telling me all I did wrong would motivate me to change! All it did was to want not have anything to do with him.

Such a technique also backfires because it means that the hearer doesn’t consider how much truth in what the person says - either because they are so hurt or become defensive.

iluvmybabies:

I am a bit depressed, upset, confused and really disappointed…but I honestly believed my parents were going to treat me with a little respect…!

Think how you feel could also be related to your expectations - we try to come up to others expectations and fail - sometimes because they raise them. That’s what my uncle used to do. Changing is difficult even when we really want to, someone changing when they don’t want to or see the need to hardly ever happens.