Just Started RCIA -- But Co-Habitating w/ BF

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VictorianRoses

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Hi there!

I have just started RCIA classes. I attended an Episcopal church for a while and liked it there, but kept being drawn to Catholicism. It is, after all, the original church; the one Jesus founded. I started praying the Rosary often, and I found such peace in it, which is what cemented my desire to become Catholic.

What put me off for so long have been all the rules. It’s quite daunting. I am also very afraid that I will not be able to become Catholic due to the fact I live with my boyfriend.

We have been together for nine years, and living together for eight. We were engaged at one point, but could not afford a wedding, so we kept putting it off. Because everyone always asked for a date, we stopped calling ourselves engaged.

I would love to get married. So would he. But we can’t for one reason: healthcare.

I live in the US and am on Medicaid. I have zero income right now to do many health issues I’ve had to deal with this past year. Depression, three surgeries (still recovering from my last one three weeks ago), and chronic fatigue. I have been hospitalized three times this year.

Medicaid defines a household as spouse and dependent. The County Assistance Office knows we live together, but as we are not married, he is not considered a part of my household. If we were to get married, I would lose my healthcare because he literally makes a few dollars over the cutoff for a household of two, 150% below the poverty line.

He lives paycheck to paycheck. His job only offers partial healthcare, and only after a $6000 deductible. He’s a Type I diabetic, and he can’t even afford his own healthcare costs, let alone mine. I also require life-saving medication every month. This is why I cannot lose my healthcare, and why we can’t married… at least not until he finds something higher paying, or until I do.

I’m afraid to talk to the priest about this lest he say I cannot become received and confirmed. I’m afraid he’ll say I need to move out, not realizing I have no where else to go, and no income to support myself at this time. I have little family, and a horrible abusive mother who, last time I spoke to her, told me she wishes she had aborted me. I cannot live with her.

My boyfriend and I have been living as roommates for many, many months due to my heath problems (aka no relations). I am prepared to continue that until we are married, though I do not know when that will be – if ever.
 
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VictorianRoses said:
My boyfriend and I have been living as roommates for many, many months due to my heath problems (aka no relations). I am prepared to continue that until we are married, though I do not know when that will be – if ever.
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If you’re living chastely - and continue living that way - there shouldn’t be a problem with you becoming Catholic. Explain the situation to your priest.
 
Hello!

Have you ever considered maybe collecting social security disability, or maybe welfare? There has to be some financial assistance you could apply for.

The Church strongly encourages marriage!

As for your situation in the Church, I would absolutely talk to a priest about your issue. He’ll be able to give you counsel. It really depends on the priest. I have heard in some instances in your case, you can still receive the sacraments, but you must vow to live together as brother and sister. IE, no sexual relations (if you’re in a committed relationship, that really limits you, matrimony is the only solution).

But you really should consider changing your situation and seriously think about a way to make marriage work!

All in all, please don’t be afraid to talk to your priest! He’s not going to cast you out or smite you. He should talk to you honestly, earnestly, and compassionately.
 
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I understand I have to meet with the priest, but when I say I have nowhere else to go, it’s true. I’d be living out on the streets. And I really don’t want to do that.

I don’t know what you mean by changing, because I cannot change my illnesses. I cannot will them away. I can only wait until I (hopefully) get better and find another job.

Thank you for replying.
 
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As soon as he finds a higher-paying job where he can afford my healthcare costs (or his job offers it), I will definitely get married. Or as soon as I get better and find a job where I can afford it myself.

Thank you for replying.
 
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Cases such as this are why I wonder whether the Church should consider offering sacramental marriage regardless of whether there is a civil marriage license or not. But then you would have an issue in jurisdictions where common-law marriage exists (i.e., living as husband and wife, at least as society perceives it, without a marriage license). Since the Church typically endeavors not to do anything that runs counter to the civil authority, I don’t see this happening anytime soon.

Nonetheless, given your circumstances, it seems to me you would be justified in “living as brother and sister” for the time being, if you are able to commit to a life without sexual intimacy until and unless you are able to marry legally. But you need to clear this with your priest.
 
PS. I also want to add, talk to your pastoral associate to see if your parish has a food assistance program! Like you I am a convert, and at the parish I was baptized at, they had a food assistance program for needy couples and families where they gave away free food.
 
I think the only possible realistic advice has been given: talk to your priest about it.

Less seriously but not entirely joking, have you considered moving to Canada?
 
Yes, I shall talk to him. I’m just very nervous about it.

And I wish! I have a good friend living in Canada who has gone through RCIA years ago, and our medical system here in the US baffles her. This is a very uniquely American issue.
 
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Emigration to Canada isn’t easy unless you’re a Muslim refugee.

My sister who’s husband is Canadian had a very long and arduous process of being able to apply to live there. If you aren’t married to a Canadian, you must have a certain amount of money (in the tens of thousands of dollars), and be able to prove you will be a contributing member of society. You must prove you will be viable.

Canada will not take you in just because you live below the poverty line in the United States.
 
Welcome home!!

Sit down and talk to your priest, and to a social worker through your medical doctor’s office. You may find that the ACA allows you options that were not there nine years ago.

God always makes a way
VictorianRoses said:
My boyfriend and I have been living as roommates for many, many months due to my heath problems (aka no relations). I am prepared to continue that until we are married, though I do not know when that will be – if ever.
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Your pastor will speak to you about the internal forum solutions.
 
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