Just what are legitimate reasons to use NFP

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Hermione

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Here’s my situation. I have a history of mental illness. It’s pretty serious. I was hospitalized when I was 17, I was suicidal, completely debilitated for about 2 years (couldn’t go to school or anything). I don’t handle stress very well at all.

I’m engaged, want to get married. I know that the Church teaches that NFP can’t be used just because you feel like it.

I also want to study sciences in graduate school. And the stress of this, combined with the stress of children doesn’t seem like something I’ll be able to manage. Plus, there’ll be no time or money for it.

If I understand Church teaching correctly, it seems that in order to be with the man I love I’ll have to give up my sanity and my intellectual fulfillment.

I hope someone can prove me wrong.
 
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Hermione:
Here’s my situation. I have a history of mental illness. It’s pretty serious. I was hospitalized when I was 17, I was suicidal, completely debilitated for about 2 years (couldn’t go to school or anything). I don’t handle stress very well at all.

I’m engaged, want to get married. I know that the Church teaches that NFP can’t be used just because you feel like it.

I also want to study sciences in graduate school. And the stress of this, combined with the stress of children doesn’t seem like something I’ll be able to manage. Plus, there’ll be no time or money for it.

If I understand Church teaching correctly, it seems that in order to be with the man I love I’ll have to give up my sanity and my intellectual fulfillment.

I hope someone can prove me wrong.
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What do you mean by the church teaches that you cant use NFP just because you feel like it?

I know this that some NFP methods are 99% effective if you follow what it teaches you and abstain for about 7-10 days while you would be ovulating. Now if you feel as though this isnt effective and you dont have time for it then the only other alternative would be abstinence till you finish school. I mean it would be the only other alternative that would not be a sin. I am not saying this to be mean, but I am sure if you follow the information for whatever method of NFP you use it will work successfully. If you do happen to get pregnant then it was God’s will, and he does not give us anything we can’t handle. Trust in the Lord completely you will not be disappointed.

God Bless, Kerri
 
But isn’t NFP okay IF AND ONLY IF you have a legitimate reason to use it?

A legitimate reason would be a true lack of finances, or a serious health problem, or something like that.

I was under the impression that you can’t use NFP just because you feel that the stress of children will be more than you can bear. Nor can you use NFP because you want to go to school to get an education, this would be a selfish reason.

I’ve also read that abstaining from sex altogether for the selfish reason of wanting to avoid children is a mortal sin as well.

At least that’s my impression of it. Am I wrong?
 
Those (the reasons you give in post #1) are certainly valid reasons to use NFP.

Andrea Yates should have used NFP to avoid having at least her last child, because of all the stress she was experiencing.
 
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Catholic2003:
Those (the reasons you give in post #1) are certainly valid reasons to use NFP.

Andrea Yates should have used NFP to avoid having at least her last child, because of all the stress she was experiencing.
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But I am not schizophrenic. Maybe technically I could have a large number of children. I would just be under a lot of stress and very miserable because of the stress and my inability to live the life I’ve always wanted to live (namely one consisting of speding a lot of time with my husband and studying science).

Do you know anything about marrying to live as brother and sister?
 
It is so difficult to tell someone whether or not certain situations are “NFP” okay. Such decisions should be made through prayer with your spouse. During your prayers, you should accept that God’s will be done, not your own. If you feel that your needs are not for selfish or materialistic reasons and you feel that you have sufficiently sought out God’s will, then your decision should be clear. It is always wise to ask a trusted priest for guidance in these matters as well.
 
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Hermione:
But I am not schizophrenic. Maybe technically I could have a large number of children. I would just be under a lot of stress and very miserable because of the stress and my inability to live the life I’ve always wanted to live (namely one consisting of speding a lot of time with my husband and studying science).

Do you know anything about marrying to live as brother and sister?
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Be careful there…
 
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NFPfamily:
Be careful there…
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I don’t know. Why does Catholicism have to make me so miserable?

It’s not like I’m out to murder and rape people. Why should I be miserable for the rest of my life because the Church says that wanting to be happy is not a good enough reason not to have 10 kids.

And should I choose not to throw away my life and have the number of children I could handle (which probably would never be more than 2 or 3), I’ll burn in Hell.

“Obey me and sacrifice everything that makes you happy, sane, and safe or burn forever” … how loving and merciful.
 
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Hermione:
Here’s my situation. I have a history of mental illness. It’s pretty serious. I was hospitalized when I was 17, I was suicidal, completely debilitated for about 2 years (couldn’t go to school or anything). I don’t handle stress very well at all.

I’m engaged, want to get married. I know that the Church teaches that NFP can’t be used just because you feel like it.

I also want to study sciences in graduate school. And the stress of this, combined with the stress of children doesn’t seem like something I’ll be able to manage. Plus, there’ll be no time or money for it.

If I understand Church teaching correctly, it seems that in order to be with the man I love I’ll have to give up my sanity and my intellectual fulfillment.

I hope someone can prove me wrong.
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Nonsense. Driving yourself to the brink of sanity is not what is required of us as Catholics–single or married. Neither is it required of us when we marry that we abandon our talents or interests and become one dimensional robots. You didn’t say how old you are, but I would expect that your fiance has been fully apprised of you history and that you are now stable enough through counseling, maturity, medication or some combination of the three to be competent to consider marriage.

You are wise to look at the whole picture of your life and evaluate the factors which have the potential to upset the balance you have achieved. Since you seem convinced you are incapable of balancing the stresses of graduate school and parenthood simutaneously (and I’m not doubting that conclusion) I would only ask whether you are ready to fully commit to marriage since it is often the case that family life begins before we are fully or perfectly prepared for it–emotionally, financially and otherwise. Have you honestly considered whether you feel you would *ever *be capable of handling the responsibility and stress of parenting? Are you on medication that would have to be discontinued during a pregnancy and have you considered the impact on your own mental health? Have you discussed this issue with a medical professional and/or therapist?

You also mentioned a concern about finances and time–is you fiance in a stable career that could support you and any children you might conceive, even unintentionally? If not, how do you plan to support yourselves? Have you considered post-poning marriage until you have completed your education and/or your spouse starts his career?

If you are determined to undertake marriage I hope you solicit the counsel of not only a medical professional, but a priest. He should be able to give you some guidance about the morality of managing the start of your family in view of your unique concerns in a way that makes it a joyful process and not one full of paralyzing stress.
 
Definitely talk to a priest about this.

Here is a paper by Dr. Janet Smith on the Moral Use of NFP.

Do you really think that God wants you to be miserable? I know He does not.

Perhaps you are misunderstanding the word “selfish”. A person is selfish when he/she places his/her wants above the wants of others. However, it is just as wrong to treat your wants as completely unimportant. The proper attitute is to balance your wants and the wants of others on an equal level, as though a third party were doing the balancing.
 
Sweetheart lets back up the truck a little ok?
First off your not getting married tomorrow, or even a day close to tomorrow, so you need to step back and catch your breath.
All you recent posts have been in the general theme is this is a sin or is that a sin?
It is good to know your faith so that is not necessarily a bad thing but…
You have been concentrating on knowing about God (and His Church). You need to clear your mind of all is what if’s and get to know God.
Spend regular time before the Blessed Sacrament and just pour your heart out to God, speak to Him. You can do this at home, as well. Take your Bible and spend some quiet time meditating upon scripture. Listen to some soothing gregorian chant. Just be in His presence.
Stop concentrating on all the “rules and regulations” and get to know the heart of Jesus. Read the saints, St Therese particulairly comes to mind, St. Theresa of Avila would be a good choice too. There are married saints, I’ll have to look them up for you.
I say this because if you are laying your heart before Jesus if you come to know God, He will let you know His will. You will not find it in the Catechism, you will find in your heart - a heart filled with love for your Lord.
If God has placed the study of science on your heart he will give the means to fulfill it. If he has called to you to married life he will give that grace. There are many faithful Catholics that do not have a dozen children. Trust in the Lord Hermione. Remember the words of Divine Mercy - Jesus I trust In You.
Stop all this meticulous consentration on sin, and consentrate on the love and mercy of our Lord. If one is deeply loves the Lord, one will be repelled from sin. Your heart will seek the will of the Lord whatever that may be.That doesn’t mean one would never fall, but when it happens than your trust in His great Mercy and Forgiveness. "Be not afraid,"remember the words of Jesus. God’s will is not that of misery but one that leads to peace .
Hermione if you went to send me a pm we can talk about this some more. God Bless, you will be in my prayers.
 
Hermione,

You must be one worn out girl. 🙂 I read and enjoy many of your posts and threads, but I have definitely noticed a recent trend focusing on the sinfulness of this, that and anything.

If I were you, I would focus less on theology and more on spirituality. Get to know and LOVE God. Let yourself surrender to Him and fall deeply, madly in love with Him. Out of that love will come your reverence and ability to serve Him. You will also notice, perhaps, some progress being made in your scrupulosity. I would suspect that if you keep looking for ways in which to sin, or catch yourself sinning, you will soon be extremely burned out on Catholicism and jeopardize your faith.

As for NFP, you are allowed to have a JUST reason to use NFP. Not “grave,” not “legitimate,” not any other word but JUST. There has to be a just reason behind choosing to abstain. However, that reason is between you, your husband and God. Typically, the faithful interpret just reasons as falling into one or more of three categories: emotional, physical or financial reasons.

Since you are not yet married, and still yet years away from walking down the aisle, you cannot begin to even contemplate what will or will not be a just reason for your situation. Since projecting possible issues seems to cause you anxiety, I would cease wondering until the next four years have passed and it is a more relevant concern. You are a brand-new Catholic and in four years time, you may make exceptional progress in some of your issues with scrupulosity, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. and therefore not need to consider health reasons as being even a consideration in choosing to abstain.

I really reccommend you read “Life-giving Love” by Kimberly Hahn. It is a beautifully written book that speaks so authentically and sincerely about marital love and married life. She even speaks about how important it is to learn to live as husband and wife and how important it is to learn how to chart, as possible “just” reasons to abstain as newlyweds. Aside from that, she delves into the beauty of the Church’s teachings regarding God’s design for marriage.

Do you think God expects your future children to have a miserable mother? No. He wants you to serve Him with joy. If that means you are at full capactiy with 2 or 3 children, then so be it. But don’t project into the future, just live in the moment and enjy being engaged, being a student and seeking to serve Him and TO LOVE Him with all of your heart.

Also, recognize that EACH MONTH of your marriage will mean a new discussion with your husband and a new opportunity to embrace the opportunity to be a co-creator with God and make a new soul. What works for one month may not work for another month, but you will discern that with your spouse, using an informd conscience, and with much prayer.

Abby
 
The following book was published by The Leaflet Missal Company in 1990 and has a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur. It has been very helpful to me(mom of 4). 👍
:love: According to *The True Meaning of Love- The Beauty and the Wisdom of the Church’s Teaching *written by Father Richard J. Rego, S.T.L.: *“Humanae Vitae *proposes a wide range of acceptable motives “to avoid births for the time being or even an indeterminate period”(HV #10). If there are “serious” or “just” motives to space out births, which derive from physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, it is licit to make use of natural family planning (cf. HV #10 & 16). A correctly formed conscience is paramount in making this decision in a morally acceptable use of natural family planning”:
  1. Physical -a competent doctor may warn that bearing a child would present a serious threat to a woman’s life; or that child bearing will produce an offspring with serious birth defects. The couple may decide, “before God,” to avoid births either temporarily or for “an indeterminate period.”
  2. Economic- a couple may be experiencing difficult monetary problems. If a decision is made due to a ***reasonable necessity ***and not out of greed, they may temporarily limit births.
  3. Psychological- a new birth may cause serious psychological problems for either or both of the spouses. Or, early middle-age spouses, “having borne the heat of the day,” may not be prepared for a new birth physically or psychologically.
  4. Social- both husband and wife may be involved in important work at the service of the Church or mankind. They may be working with the poor in a foreign land or engaged in any number of projects that totally consumes their efforts. “Before God,” they may decide to avoid births during that period.
He goes on to say, "The key here is a correctly formed conscience, “in the sight of God.” "However, if natural methods are used for purely selfish reasons, its use is illicit. Vatican II, in its sources, cites Pope Pius XII: “To embrace the married state, to make frequent use of the faculty proper to it and lawful only in that state, while on the other hand, always and deliberately to seek to evade its primary duty without serious reason, would be to sin against the very meaning of marriage.” Natural family planning, employed for *just reasons (HV #16) or serious reasons (HV #10) *is a virtuous practice. It “gives proof of a truly and integrally honest love” (HV #16)

I hope this has been helpful. God Bless!

To know, to serve, to love God…:amen:

“Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good…” Galatians 6:9-10

“Do not worry about anything; instead Pray about everything.” Philippians 4:6
 
You have received some very thoughtful and helpful responses here. I can’t really add anything to what has already been said…

but I do wonder, what does your fiance think about all of this?

I know that when my husband and I were discussing marriage, we both agreed that we would like to have children (be open to life) but that I have a serious health problem and it might not be possible.

He said he understood this. But I guess we should have talked even more about it. It is coming on 6 years and we still do not think that it would be ok to try for a baby. This has caused a lot of hurt on both sides… he has always assumed that when he got married that he would have a lot of kids. I assumed that he understood my health situation because I explained it to him at length.

So if you feel that it is a possibility that you may never be emotionally able to be a mom or that you feel called to explore science instead, make sure he understands this fully. It is crucial that you both be on the same page about this. And it is crucial that you both know that there is always a possiblity of becoming pregnant each time you have sex.

I personally don’t believe that you should get married and then live as brother and sister. Unless you are both 100% sure that this arrangment would be ok for life then it seems kind of risky.

Please feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk about anything at all… anytime.

Malia
 
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Hermione:
I don’t know. Why does Catholicism have to make me so miserable?

It’s not like I’m out to murder and rape people. Why should I be miserable for the rest of my life because the Church says that wanting to be happy is not a good enough reason not to have 10 kids.

And should I choose not to throw away my life and have the number of children I could handle (which probably would never be more than 2 or 3), I’ll burn in Hell.

“Obey me and sacrifice everything that makes you happy, sane, and safe or burn forever” … how loving and merciful.
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I’m so sorry, you missed my point- I should have elaborated. You aren’t throwing your life away when it doesn’t fulfill the vision you have for yourself. I am just saying to let God into the picture and allow yourself to be guided. If you have a fixed image of only what will make you happy and nothing else fits in, then you are closing the door to possible blessing you would never imagine. The church doesn’t teach that you have to have as many children as physically possible, so don’t worry about that. Just let God into the decision making is all I’m saying. When I got married three years ago, I was just graduating from college, got a great job, and was going to postpone having children until we took trips, bought a nice house, etc. etc. etc. Although these were very selfish reasons, I had somewhat convinced myself that they were valid because I didn’t think I’d be happy unless I had done these things before being “weighed down” with kids as if my life was going to end or something. We were practicing NFP faithfully and praying and suddenly, two months after we were married, I felt this urgency to have a baby. This definitely wasn’t in the plans, it wasn’t something I thought I’d wanted, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I only found this through prayer and surrendering my life to God (as corny as it may sound). I talked to my husband who then said he wasn’t ready to be a father and we should stick to plan A, but in a matter of minutes he felt it too. At that moment, God was calling us to become parents and we did. I continued working through my pregnancy, but quit my job to be a stay home mom. This life is so much more fulfilled and blessed than anything I could have imagined for myself and it wasn’t until I let go of my wants that I realized what God wanted for me. Now I am a mother of two and happier than I have ever known. I know your struggling with this, but I assure you that God will help you find the path that you will be the happiest and most fulfilled. As our Holy Father said so many times Do not be afraid. God bless you!
 
To add to what others have said, don’t worry yourself sick by fretting over your entire life - that is like trying to eat an elephant in one gulp. Nibble, live this hour for Jesus, then live the next hour for Jesus - think about college marriage - all that in small little bites.

Children will be a descision you make every month (should you be married) - by seeing what God has for you at that place in time. You cannot go there today - you cannot see around corners of your life - Jesus told us not to worry about the future. Praying for you!
 
Hermione,

Recent Church documents speak of needing to just have “just reasons” (pun intended) to use NFP to delay or avoid pregnancy. You don’t need to have 10 children. If having 5 children makes you go crazy or gives you too much stress, you don’t need to have 5 either. Wanting to be free of serious stress and being able to pursue certain things in life are good desires and if you choose to delay, space out, or avoid pregnancy for that reason, I think that would be fine. The Church doesn’t specify in detail what a just reason would be so as long as your conscience is clear before God, as long as you are open in yoru heart to all the good that God might want for you, there is no sin. If you are still worried, talk to a good priest and just trust his judgment. If that priest makes a mistake then it will be his fault, not yours.

I pray to the Holy Spirit, that He may guide and comfort you and reassure you and shower mercy upon you. Amen.
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Hermione:
Here’s my situation. I have a history of mental illness. It’s pretty serious. I was hospitalized when I was 17, I was suicidal, completely debilitated for about 2 years (couldn’t go to school or anything). I don’t handle stress very well at all.

I’m engaged, want to get married. I know that the Church teaches that NFP can’t be used just because you feel like it.

I also want to study sciences in graduate school. And the stress of this, combined with the stress of children doesn’t seem like something I’ll be able to manage. Plus, there’ll be no time or money for it.

If I understand Church teaching correctly, it seems that in order to be with the man I love I’ll have to give up my sanity and my intellectual fulfillment.

I hope someone can prove me wrong.
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Hermione:
Here’s my situation. I have a history of mental illness. It’s pretty serious. I was hospitalized when I was 17, I was suicidal, completely debilitated for about 2 years (couldn’t go to school or anything). I don’t handle stress very well at all.

I’m engaged, want to get married. I know that the Church teaches that NFP can’t be used just because you feel like it.

I also want to study sciences in graduate school. And the stress of this, combined with the stress of children doesn’t seem like something I’ll be able to manage. Plus, there’ll be no time or money for it.

If I understand Church teaching correctly, it seems that in order to be with the man I love I’ll have to give up my sanity and my intellectual fulfillment.

I hope someone can prove me wrong.
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Ah, Hermione, I see that I responded correctly to your post in over in Apologetics.

I and my Jewish wife have used NFP – the Billings Mucus Method, involving no thermometers or graphs or other such scientific praraphernalia – very successfully for more than 22 years now. Our relationship is very intimate, and characterized by a lot of good sex. You can put it that way – “it seems that in order to be with the man I love I’ll have to give up my sanity and my intellectual fulfillment” – if you like, but in fact (a) ABC is a serious sin; and (b) NFP works great, and is great for a wonderful sexual relationship.
 
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