Keep CONSTANTLY Falling Into this Sin! Driving me crazy!

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Maxim1982

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As embarrasimg as it is, im honestly terrified at this point. I have yet again fallen. Looked at pornography (the devil’s iconography, as Fthr. Seraphim Rose once rightly called it) and masturbated. I’ve prayed (i have a 3 times per day prayer routine) and fasted and for a while i was actually doing pretty good. But suddenly this temptation has hit me full on and despite being a 30 year old male I gotta tell you im kind of scared. I do not want to offend God and yet, when the feeling washes over me, for some reason, its as if my whole thought process changes. I feel as if im justifying it. I do go to regular confession however i feel like at this point does it really matter? Im upsetting the Lord and even though i ask for forgiveness each time i still end up faling back after about a week or so. Problem is, and not that im excusing this or anything. It IS a dirty sin, especially the porn, which i usually do not look at, (although recently i did twice) but my wife is very sick and does not want to be intimate very often. This makes it so difficult.

Each time i do it, i feel ashamed once the “rush” is over and i go to my home prayer corner and beg for forgiveness before the icons i have. They only offer confession once each week near me, so i have to usually always wait a couple days before i can go. I guess my problem at this point is i just want to conquer this filthy sin. At times its not even just the lustful feelings as much as it is the feeling of having to “release” the pressure in my body. I lived in sin for over 20 years while temporarily out of the faith, and ever since i returned, its been the most difficult sin to conquer. I just dont want to offend God so much that he grows too upset with me or maybe…i dunno. Im just so messed up over this. I have asked and asked for help conquering it, asked the Holy Mother, my patron saint, etc. Any suggestions? Any words of support? I do repent each time and I absolutely do want to conquer this but i am so afraid that i wont or what if one day its too late? I have to, i must! Help!
 
One, relax a minute, you are a human who was made with the gift of sexuality. Two, give yourself some space, you clearly are trying to follow Church teaching. Three, I think you realize the value of having intimate relations with your wife, you are clearly not trying to avoid her. I’m not sure what you mean by sick, but this certainly is a factor. While honestly I’m not one that thinks masturbation is such a big deal, porn can become a addiction and that is never good.

In short, love yourself through this pain. God sees your efforts and that is important. We all sin in some way continuously, you are no different and it’s not like you are killing someone or the like. Of course there is always your local priest if you need to let this out, you can be quite sure this is not the first time they have heard anything of the like.
 
I remember one story I heard once. In it Jesus is talking to a Priest.

The priest asks Jesus: “Aren’t you tired of us committing the same sins over and over again?”

Do you know how Jesus responded? “Are you tired of the same forgiveness?”

The point is that, whether a person sins once or a million times, Jesus is still ready to forgive him.
 
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I know, but sometimes it puts me into such frustration because i do not want to always be in a state of sin. I am starting to wonder if perhaps im being spiritually attacked?? I do have a very strong and regular prayer routine. Maybe I’m being targeted because of this, because I am struggling to advance spiritually. I really don’t know but i have also noticed that I’ve been more prone to snapping easily as well and just feeling weaker than I had been in weeks past.
 
I think three things apply here.
First is that you have to stop doing the devil’s work for him and stay away from pornography.
Second is to think about how easy it is to sit in judgement on other people. How easy it is to say to yourself “I never did that.” or “I would never do that.” Maybe it is true, but remember, how easy it is to fall into an addiction and how difficult it is to extricate oneself from it.
Third is to remember what Jesus said, give alms and you will be made pure.
 
I give you three advices:
  1. Stopping from porn can be easy: you just must have the courage to close an internet page. Nothing more. You just close the internet, it takes less than a second, and everything immediately stops.
    If you want, you can think at good topics when you feel you are sinning: for example, if you like music, prepare a good song you can immediately listen to when you close the browser of porn. Or, for example, if you are going to buy something on internet, prepare the list of what you want and leave it in another page of the internet. If you feel you are starting to sin, think: “I have more important things to do. I must finish now that list, it must not wait”.
  2. You must remember that sin is a slippery slope: if you continue sinning, it will be difficult to stop. But if you avoid sinning for one time, the second will be easier. After 2 avoided sins, the third and so on will be easier. You will arrive at a day in which you say: “i have struggled a lot and now is a lot easy to avoid sinning because I DON’T NEED. I have other to be happy for”. Think about all the good things you have. They are many, enjoy them.
  3. The real problem is not to sin, but to think that you will never win. Stop thinking about it! If you sin, you confess, and think at what I just told you. Remember that the devil is VERY afraid of our wish to stop and our belief to stop. If we have will power (praying and doing charity always help), the devil is scared, so he will stay far from you, and as long as the day pass, you will not sin anymore.
 
My priest once said:
“The problem is not to fall, but to stay on the ground”. Think at it: the more you stop sinning, the more you will understand how it’s true.
 
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