Keeping distance from mother - please help

[NguyenKimPhat]

Dear CAF,

I am very thankful to my mother for everything - she has sacrificed her entire life for my family, and I love her very much. I owe my life to her, and I am very thankful that God has given me a great mother.

However, sometimes, she can be extremely cruel - cruel (mean) to my father, awful to my younger sister, and sometimes very mean to me.

I don’t want to admit it, but my mother is abusive - not physically, but verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. I still love and respect my mother, though. We all have our faults.

My dad is the exact opposite of my mother, he is gentle and nice, forgives/forgets easily.

(by the way, when I say the word “cruel” - i am not exaggerating.)

I feel guilty for complaining about my mother - because other children from other families face much worse situations - I watched a documentary of a child who was raped by her father, and her mother physically beat her constantly. My situation is definitely not as bad as that.

I don’t know how to deal with this, because I get hurt emotionally when my mother lashes out at me in anger.

I don’t want to fight with her anymore, because I want peace inside the family and because I still want to receive Holy Communion daily (and I know that I can’t receive Communion while I am fighting with someone.) I’m tired. I’m so tired.

My first question: Is it morally okay for me to keep my distance from my mother from now on? When I say “keep my distance” I mean talk less to her, not share my thoughts and feelings with her anymore. I mean, I will still be nice/polite to her, but emotionally guard my heart and stay away from her. When I say keep my distance, I mean something similar to the silent treatment, but I am still talking to her politely and nicely.

I know that I will go to hell if I do not forgive somebody - and, of course, I cannot hold a grudge against my own mother. But sometimes, on an emotional level, when I do keep my distance from my mother, I feel as if I am harboring a grudge against her. Am I? On an intellectual level, *I know there is a difference between forgiveness and consequence - I can forgive the person who stole my wallet, but I don’t have to let them borrow my gold watch the next morning in order to truly forgive the person. Right? Am I right? * - I do forgive my mother and love her, but after so many years of my mother being frighteningly cruel to my father, my sister, and lashing out at me in anger, I feel as if the consequence is that I have to stay away from her emotionally and guard my heart. Am I right? If I stay away from my mother emotionally, am I committing the sin of unforgiveness? Or am I just protecting and guarding my heart?

My second question: Am I right about the difference between forgiveness and consequence? If I do keep my distance from my mother, does that mean that I am being un-forgiving? May I still receive Holy Communion?

I just… I just don’t want to talk to her anymore - that’s it. I don’t want to look into her eyes anymore. I no longer see her as a close friend anymore - I don’t see her as a close friend who I can talk to and share my feelings and thoughts with.

I mean, I will say hello politely to her in the morning, and if she asks me a question, I will answer her, but… I don’t feel like I want to share with her my thoughts and feelings and talk to her about school, friends, work, sing to her, etc…

A part of me looks forward to going off to college, because this is my chance to leave my mom, and I feel AWFUL for saying something like that - but deep down - I feel like my mother is so controlling and suffocating.

Whenever I fight with anyone, I feel as if my world is turned upside down - and I feel awful because I want to honor God and love everyone in my life as Christ does. However, now I wish that I can become emotionally detached from my mother to the point that I can forget any tension between us and move on with my life.

I remember the last fight that I had with my mother - during the fight, I prayed, “Jesus Christ, please help me to forget my mom. Please help me to forget her.”

When I think back about that prayer, I feel AWFUL for saying that prayer, but I think that what I was trying to say in that prayer was, “Jesus Christ, please help me not to think about my mom anymore - help me to put her out of my head.”

When I was younger, I use to feel so secure and peaceful when I was not fighting with my mother or anyone else. However, when I did fight with anyone, I lost that sense of security, and I had to reconcile with that person before everything in my world was right again.

In the past, when my mother and I fought, I felt as if my whole world was turned upside down. But now I feel a little numb, and I don’t care anymore.

My third question: will this unspoken tension between my mom and me cast a shadow over me for the rest of my life? Will this be a shadow following me for the rest of my life? I don’t want to live under a shadow.

To everyone who is reading and responding to this thread, I ask the following:

1. Please don’t yell at me or make me feel guilty.
2. Please PRAY before you write a response.
3. ***Please try to help me - this is probably the most important post that I have ever posted on CAF.
   ***4) Please share with me your own stories of domestic abuse so that I don’t feel like I am totally alone.
4. Please pray for me. I am so tired and exhausted. I worry about beginning college - and having to keep my grades up - I am so tired, and I don’t know how to get my strength back. I don’t feel excited to learn any more. I’m scared of failing in college. Pray for me so that I can have peace of mind, and physical strength to get through college.

 

[Qaletaqa]

i do understand where you are coming from, my parents are like your mother, my father was the one who physical abusive towards me and my mum stood by and didn’t nothing, even to this day she said she did nothing wrong. If you knew what has happened in my life you would understand how i feel towards my parents and other people.

I wrote to a priest a few weeks back as my family were driving me nuts for all sorts of reasons and he said to limit my interaction with them and to live and let live, all you can do is pray for them. So now i keep my distance and have limited the interaction i have, have to say live is less stressful and now allows me to deal with the things that my family were being horrible about.

Life is truly to short to put up with any type of grief, that doesn’t mean you stop loving your family.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Basically , your mother is a control freak, their is no polite way to describe her,
Looking at your surname ,you could be Vietnamese or perhaps Cambodian ,
These People had an incredibly tough life, incredibly tough , unfortunately ,
People that went through what they went through , weather Asian or European become very hard,or very placid and accepting as your dad, then their is you in the middle…
I have no answer,no magic wand,just heart felt sympathy for you ,
When the time comes,best to move away from them, and become your own person,

 

[Viki63]

Dear Sister,
I am sorry you are going through a hard time. The transition into college can be a time of change and emotional challenges, so try to be kind to yourself.
It is wonderful that you want to continue to respect and be kind to your mother, but it is time you took a step back and cared for yourself also. We owe it to Our Lord to care for our bodies, minds and souls.
I think it is fine for you to limit your interactions with your mother. There is no need to share innermost thoughts and concerns with someone who bullies you. It is not a sin, and you can still receive Holy Communion.
Think about what you would say to a dear friend who told you these things were going on in her house. Then take your own advice.
Maybe you should see a doctor if you are feeling a lot of fatigue. Although I suspect you will feel much better once you have gone to college.
God bless.