Kids behavior in church: Roles of Moms and Dads

[churchsecretary]

As a mom of 4, I have tried all kinds of methods of getting through a church service or Mass with young ones. My oldest daughter was small when I attended an Episcopal church, and she went to the nursery. Many weeks I went to church alone, as my ex-husband worked rotating shifts & was often at work during church. I have also done the rotating Mass shifts with DH, especially because my now 10year old son was very active! We tried the cry room, we tried walking around with him in the narthex (both of us at different times–DH helped) but it became a point of nerves for me–I couldn’t relax and I felt that I got nothing out of Mass, save the Eucharist (which certainly did sustain me through the week!). DS was not even 2 when DD came along, and trying to handle a 10 year old, a 4 year old, a nearly-2-year old AND a newborn was just too much for me. The cry room was a zoo. My DH would go to Mass at 7 AM on Sunday, & I would go to either 6:30PM on Sat. or 12 noon on Sunday. Luckily, we lived less than 5 min. from church.

One other thing: kids younger than 3 have a harder time sitting in Mass…once they get past 3, you can almost see the difference! BTW, my kids are now 19, 13, 10 & 8…& they learned to sit in Mass. My 13 year old & 10 year old are altar servers!

 

[dashso40]

My husband helps…my 10 and 6 year old are good in church, it’s my 2 year old that I dread bringing…many times, one of us winds up bringing her to the back or even out the door b/c she is so disruptive…most of the time, it’s me, but he does try his best to help, she just prefers me at times of crankiness…

 

[Bataar]

A lot of parents at the church I go just let their kids (some appear to be up to 10 years old) play their Nintendo DS during church. During the homily, you can always hear the sound effect of Mario collecting coins.

 

[dashso40]

I am so bothered by the DS playing…I’ve seen that,it shows no respect for the church…I’ve also seen teens texting in church…very sad…

 

[Gordon_Sims]

A lot of parents at the church I go just let their kids (some appear to be up to 10 years old) play their Nintendo DS during church. During the homily, you can always hear the sound effect of Mario collecting coins.

I saw that happening at our church one Sunday and was shocked. It’s bad enough when people let kids do that during movies but at church is completely different. The following week brought a mention of it in both the homily and the bulletin. Not sure if it had any impact because the family in question wasn’t present, but I’ve not seen one at church since.

 

[elts1956]

First, to be up front, I should state that I’m single with no kids. I’m at church this morning, and there is a family with four kids in front of me. Except for the oldest, the kids are pretty out of control. The mom is doing her best to keep things under control. The dad seems pretty oblivious to it all.

I’m not sure why, but this seems to be a relatively common scene where the dad is not involved at all with the care of kids during mass and the mom seems to be at wits end trying keep the kids in line. While there are a lot of great dads out there, why do so many dads ‘check out’ for that hour every week? Does anybody else notice this pattern?

I have two pet peeves about children misbehaving during Mass. 1. When one of the parents checks out. 2. When both of the parents check out.

I have seen both happen. I am a retired teacher of 3 - 6 years olds and there is no reason for children of that age and above to misbehave in church.

If the children are old enough, at least four, or a very aware three year old, parents need to remind the child/children BEFORE Mass of where they are going and what behavior is expected of them during Mass. Now little ones do get antsy and I see nothing wrong with parents providing the 3-4 year old with a drawing pad and pencil, or 1 or 2 crayons for them to draw with to help keep them calm during Mass. Also a small religious book that the parents have read to them is helpful for them to bring to Mass. Even if the child can’t read, s/he can look at the pictures in the book and make up their own story if s/he has forgotten it. Children like repetition so the more often a book is read to them, the more they enjoy it. But please, please don’t bring a Donald Duck book to church for a child to look at. Let it be about Jesus, His child hood, Mother Mary, her childhood written at a level a child can understand. How about teaching the young child the Hail Mary and teach s/him to say it to s/himself. S/he can recite it alone during Mass. After all that is why we are there, to pray.

I often see young children being held by their parents trying to see over the heads of the adults in front of them. If the parents are sitting next to the aisle, I see nothing wrong with a child standing next to the pew to view what is happening. This is allowed with the understanding no moving away from the pew, or dancing in the aisles, or the freedom will be taken away. Nothing worse than a child struggling in her parent’s lap because it is so hard to sit still. Children may be too young to communicate verbally with adults, but they certainly understand what an adult says to them.

For the younger child, other distractions may work, that is, be sure to bring the bottle and a change of diapers.

 

[meridith]

Ok, so you’re single with no children at this point in your life. That may or may not change. What will never change is you were a child also. Ask your parents and those who were around you quite a bit how “well behaved” you were as a child at various “functions”, be it church, meetings, get to togethers, starting at the time you were an infant. I think you may have had a few “moments” of not acting “properly” while your parents were wondering how to stop it or control it. Remember, everyone, regardless of age, is someones baby, most importantly, a CHILD OF GOD The point of going to church is not how the children are behaving, it’s all about GOD. Thats were they learn, regardless of the behaviour that bothers you.

 

[elts1956]

Ok, so you’re single with no children at this point in your life. That may or may not change. What will never change is you were a child also. Ask your parents and those who were around you quite a bit how “well behaved” you were as a child at various “functions”, be it church, meetings, get to togethers, starting at the time you were an infant. I think you may have had a few “moments” of not acting “properly” while your parents were wondering how to stop it or control it. Remember, everyone, regardless of age, is someones baby, most importantly, a CHILD OF GOD The point of going to church is not how the children are behaving, it’s all about GOD. Thats were they learn, regardless of the behaviour that bothers you.

If you really believe, “it’s all about God”, then you also believe Children should be educated too. Read my post above 26. Education begins at home and that includes education regarding how to behave in the House of God. There is no excuse for the misbehaviour of children three and above, in church.

 

[elts1956]

Ok, so you’re single with no children at this point in your life. That may or may not change. What will never change is you were a child also. Ask your parents and those who were around you quite a bit how “well behaved” you were as a child at various “functions”, be it church, meetings, get to togethers, starting at the time you were an infant. I think you may have had a few “moments” of not acting “properly” while your parents were wondering how to stop it or control it. Remember, everyone, regardless of age, is someones baby, most importantly, a CHILD OF GOD The point of going to church is not how the children are behaving, it’s all about GOD. Thats were they learn, regardless of the behaviour that bothers you.

I am still feeling guilty because a young family with four very rowdy kids drive me nuts.

They generally sit in the Narthax (which is our cry room) with all their kids. I usually go out to nurse the baby out there.

Our Narthax was a stupid idea for a cry room that some nitwit had. There’s a huge Baptismal font at kid level, stairs, people coming through constantly for the the bathroom, arriving late for Mass, leaving early, kids being brought out. There’s stairs and two sets of doors, plants, statues, etc. There’s nothing there conducive to calming or controlling antsy or upset kids.

This family has pretty wild boys–I really think it’s more of the boys’ temperament than the parenting. But, the mom is one of those really gentle women who doesn’t really handle wild boys well.

Anyway I ran into the dad coming back from changing the baby’s diaper and I dropped broad hints about how nice it is sometimes to leave kids at home and come separately to Mass. It was totally selfish. The kids drive me nuts.

My husband does all the disciplining at Mass, though. I just use the Mom glare, the “shhh” and the head shake. It works on the older kids, but dh takes the disruptive ones out.

No need to feel guilty. It’s not the children’s fault, but it is guess who’s? Children are more aware than we give them credit for. They need guideline, not the bull whip, but guidelines and structure which many of our young parents have never learned how to give. Maybe we need some guidelines for young parents? No my children were not perfect in church, but they certainly didn’t distract from the Mass.

 

[meridith]

If you really believe, “it’s all about God”, then you also believe Children should be educated too. Read my post above 26. Education begins at home and that includes education regarding how to behave in the House of God. There is no excuse for the misbehaviour of children three and above, in church.

Quite correct, doesnt change my opion of the post I wrote.

 

[elts1956]

Quite correct, doesnt change my opion of the post I wrote.

There was a time when “Children were seen, not heard”. Mass is still one of those times, I think this rule should be followed. Again, I am not talking about infants, or children under three. I have had over twenty years experience guiding children in Montessori classrooms. Children have a natural inclination to want to do what is correct in social situations. To not show children how to handle social situations is a failure of responsibility of parents. Should children be expected to act like little automatons? Of course not. Should we expect children to behave perfectly? Of course not. But I have seen too many children whose behavior is either ignored, or takes over the attention of the parent/parents from the Mass. This is not the way adoration of the Eucharist should be. What example is set for other children who see misbehavior in Church tolerated, or ignored.? The most impressionable and teachable years of a child are from birth to around six, or seven as far as the child being able to easily internalize what h/she sees and experiences. So, no excuses for uncontrolled misbehavior of children in Church.

 

[bwdiaz]

I admit that this is a big issue for me right now. I’m returning to the church after a long absence, and I have a six-month old baby. My non-Catholic husband does not come with. Occasionally, I like to bring her with me, however, as a six-months old, she is pretty unpredictable. One week she’ll be a joy to all around us, but the next, not so much! I do come prepared with the diaper bag full of prepared stuff, bottles, diapers, quiet doll she likes, blanket, etc. Sometimes it isn’t enough and sometimes things go very well.

What concerns me is that I worry that she will disrupt the experience of others. For me, I am so happy to have her there. For me, her presence in my life is a big reason why I’m coming back. I prayed for her, she is my greatest blessing, and I am experiencing a lot of grace right now because of her. However, I’m alone at mass, new to this parish, and I don’t even know if we have a cry room, let alone where it is. I am open to just taking her out if she gets to be too noisy, though I haven’t needed to do it yet, but how much noise is too much? For example, she has begun babbling a lot, and last week there was a steady stream of “ya ya ya la la la,” etc. throughout the whole Mass. The people around us seemed pretty amused, especially since she seemed to do it with responses, but there was some during the communion prayers and the readings. I don’t really know if she disturbed anyone, but it made me nervous.

I guess I don’t really have a question but it does put me on edge quite a lot. I go to Adoration and evening prayers on Mondays, so I do get some worship time by myself, and I don’t take her with me to Mass every week, just a lot weeks. I’m a little shy so it has been hard to ask people face-to-face for help with this.

 

[elts1956]

I admit that this is a big issue for me right now. I’m returning to the church after a long absence, and I have a six-month old baby. My non-Catholic husband does not come with. Occasionally, I like to bring her with me, however, as a six-months old, she is pretty unpredictable. One week she’ll be a joy to all around us, but the next, not so much! I do come prepared with the diaper bag full of prepared stuff, bottles, diapers, quiet doll she likes, blanket, etc. Sometimes it isn’t enough and sometimes things go very well.

What concerns me is that I worry that she will disrupt the experience of others. For me, I am so happy to have her there. For me, her presence in my life is a big reason why I’m coming back. I prayed for her, she is my greatest blessing, and I am experiencing a lot of grace right now because of her. However, I’m alone at mass, new to this parish, and I don’t even know if we have a cry room, let alone where it is. I am open to just taking her out if she gets to be too noisy, though I haven’t needed to do it yet, but how much noise is too much? For example, she has begun babbling a lot, and last week there was a steady stream of “ya ya ya la la la,” etc. throughout the whole Mass. The people around us seemed pretty amused, especially since she seemed to do it with responses, but there was some during the communion prayers and the readings. I don’t really know if she disturbed anyone, but it made me nervous.

I guess I don’t really have a question but it does put me on edge quite a lot. I go to Adoration and evening prayers on Mondays, so I do get some worship time by myself, and I don’t take her with me to Mass every week, just a lot weeks. I’m a little shy so it has been hard to ask people face-to-face for help with this.

I for one, love babies. It’s easy for me to tolerate whatever an infant does. Not so with threes and older, but babies (and childen) are a gift not everyone receives. Take her as much as possible. She is God’s blessing.

 

[elts1956]

A lot of parents at the church I go just let their kids (some appear to be up to 10 years old) play their Nintendo DS during church. During the homily, you can always hear the sound effect of Mario collecting coins.

That is bizarre and entirely irresponsible of the parents. I bet they “say” “We just can’t do a thing with s/he”. How absurd.

 

[tcm22]

I admit that this is a big issue for me right now. I’m returning to the church after a long absence, and I have a six-month old baby. My non-Catholic husband does not come with. Occasionally, I like to bring her with me, however, as a six-months old, she is pretty unpredictable. One week she’ll be a joy to all around us, but the next, not so much! I do come prepared with the diaper bag full of prepared stuff, bottles, diapers, quiet doll she likes, blanket, etc. Sometimes it isn’t enough and sometimes things go very well.

What concerns me is that I worry that she will disrupt the experience of others. For me, I am so happy to have her there. For me, her presence in my life is a big reason why I’m coming back. I prayed for her, she is my greatest blessing, and I am experiencing a lot of grace right now because of her. However, I’m alone at mass, new to this parish, and I don’t even know if we have a cry room, let alone where it is. I am open to just taking her out if she gets to be too noisy, though I haven’t needed to do it yet, but how much noise is too much? For example, she has begun babbling a lot, and last week there was a steady stream of “ya ya ya la la la,” etc. throughout the whole Mass. The people around us seemed pretty amused, especially since she seemed to do it with responses, but there was some during the communion prayers and the readings. I don’t really know if she disturbed anyone, but it made me nervous.

I guess I don’t really have a question but it does put me on edge quite a lot. I go to Adoration and evening prayers on Mondays, so I do get some worship time by myself, and I don’t take her with me to Mass every week, just a lot weeks. I’m a little shy so it has been hard to ask people face-to-face for help with this.

Based on what you’ve written, you have it figured out. Being aware of the reactions of those around you is key. If she’s babbling an interacting and it’s not too loud, no one should reasonably have a problem. If she’s having a full on screaming fit and you start to get “the look” from folks near you, that’s probably a good time for a change of environment.

Welcome back!