Kindness or Scorn?

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DenRat

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My sister is 40 going on 10. She’s married with two teen girls - ages 16 & 18. She is what some would call a free spirit and usually kind to people. However, she gets carried away sometimes with her behavior. Here are a few examples:
  1. When we were out to dinner with our whole family (16 of us) recently, she started a small “food fight” by throwing wadded up pieces of bread at my brother. We were at a restaurant and my parents were embarrassed but said nothing - they never do. I don’t say anything anymore because half the time she does this stuff to get a reaction from me. Her husband and daughters also joined in the “food fight”. Fortunately, it was short-lived.
  2. Now that her oldest is 18, she has basically given her full freedom and says that she is now a full-fledged adult and can make up her own rules. I don’t even think my neice wanted so much freedom. She is allowed to stay out all night, if she wants, with her boyfriend. She no longer needs to tell where she is going or what time she will be home.
  3. The 16-year-old dresses like a . . . well, you know how girls today dress. At that same dinner out she brought her boyfriend and was hanging all over him, kissing him during dinner.
  4. My brother-in-law holds monologues about arabs and blacks that are totally bigoted. He does this to get other people riled up. It’s entertainment for him.
I have been reading a book of Kindness and it says to approach the offender with kindness and show them politely the error of their ways. The problem with that is they all know how to act in restaurants and should know how to bring up their kids and that racism and bigotry are wrong. In fact, most of the time, they appear to be looking to me to scorn them so they can get defensive and defend their actions and words.

I’ve been ignoring the situation as much as possible the past several years but it seems to have increased their bad behavior. I don’t want to cause a family feud by asking them to clean up their act and raise their kids correctly. Any suggestions?
Thanks
 
Your sister is an adult, Her children are almost adults. About these types of matters, I’d advise keeping your mouth shut. However, next time she starts a food fight in a public place or any other unconventional behaviour that directly affects you, it would be entirely appropriate to mention it nicely at the time. Practise in your head some likely scenarios that might come up so you’re prepared! 🙂
 
Preach the Gospel at all times, and use words when necessary.

I think if your sister/brother-in-law, etc. brings scandal to you, you have an obligation to admonish them (kindly and with love, of course). But be the candle in their darkness by your example. I can tell you, they will either drift away or, if not change, at least behave themselves in your presence.

We all have difficult relatives. Remember, Jesus told us that a prophet is without honor in his own land, so words may not be effective on them.

Pray also for them to find fulfillment in Christ. It’s very sad when people will do anything to draw attention to themselves.

God bless.
Sue
 
Detroit Sue:
I think if your sister/brother-in-law, etc. brings scandal to you, you have an obligation to admonish them (kindly and with love, of course). But be the candle in their darkness by your example. I can tell you, they will either drift away or, if not change, at least behave themselves in your presence.

We all have difficult relatives. Remember, Jesus told us that a prophet is without honor in his own land, so words may not be effective on them.

Pray also for them to find fulfillment in Christ. It’s very sad when people will do anything to draw attention to themselves.
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Thanks for your replies. I cannot be a candle for them because they purposely try to “get my goat”. They don’t behave themselves in my presence precicely because they know it bothers me. This is their form of entertainment.

Your comment about Jesus not being a prophet in his own land is true. Not that I am a perfect person by any means. I keep focusing on that fact but keep thinking that I was never brought up to throw food in public - doesn’t everyone know that??? Why can’t my sister understand her actions are over the top?

I guess I’ll have to not worry about it and keep praying for them.

Thanks,
Denise
 
Is it safe to assume that out of your family members (other than her family unit) you all feel this way?

I’m sorry, but it may be appropriate to scorn them publicly. Quietly, but publicly.

My suggestion would be to first quietly ask that they tone down their behavior in some fashion. Tell her/them you/others in agreement with you will leave if they persist.

If they persist, follow your limit, get up, and simply leave. If you are waiting for a check, ask for it immediately and pay it, but leave as soon as possible. Don’t say another word and don’t respond to any argument. Don’t lose your cool.

If you can just leave, do so with dignity. Tell your relatives that when they are ready to behave as adults you will treat them as such. Tell them also that your door is open if they would like to discuss anything in a civilized matter.

Don’t be a doormat.

If they act like children they deserve to be treated as children…but only to a point.

If they value your company at all they will respond. “Tough love” seems to be needed here, and love itself does not imply acceptance of derisive behaviors.
 
Okay guys, lets get our priorities straight here. We’ve got brothers-in-law spouting bigotry, neices draping themselves over boyfriends in public and we’re worried about foodfights?

First, I’m a reasonably kind, considerate, charitable person, who tries to reach out to people who are upset, lonely, tired, angry, sad, who tries to brighten people’s days and make them smile. There’s nothing better at a big gathering, where you can’t help but be loud anyway and take up room in a restaurant, than a decent civilized food fight that doesn’t get out of hand and lets the people at the other end of the table know that even though you can’t talk to them you’re thinking about them. But we’re not talking gobs of chocolate, we’re talking grapes or wads of bread. Nice and neat, not too much to clean up afterwards, and assuming you DO plan to clean it up before leaving. All in good fun, no harm, no foul.

On the other hand, where you have young adults who plan to indulge in undue smooching and PDA’s at a public gathering, you have the right as an adult relative to insert yourself gently in between them so that they don’t have that opportunity. Easy fix, eventually they figure out you don’t approve, no lecture needed. Or interrupt the smooching with a “may I have the salt please.”

Same with the bigotry. Simple “Please pass the wine” the instant the comments start. Interupt. Every time. Don’t give him time to continue. Or interupt with a joke. Keep it light, but make it clear that you won’t tolerate it. Forget kindness, try levity, but make it firm. [You know Bob I hate to interupt but that comment reminds me of this joke, let me see how did it go… “two bigots walked into a bar…third one ducked” or “a racist walked into a bar…ouch”] Anything that will point out that you’re calling him on it but not lecturing, and that stops him in his tracks and derails his monologues. Or, better yet, try throwing a grape at him 😃 .

Oh, and didn’t see JCPhoenix’s post before this. If you are done done, do leave. But that brings up family rifts, which are tiresome and I think the rest of your family sounds like they don’t mind so much. But you are certainly free to quietly stand and exit. ESPECIALLY on the bigotry front.
 
You need to keep your family away from these people. Do you want your children acting these ways? Do you want them to become racists? Do you want to start acting like them? You can certainly love and pray for them but you need to take care of your soul and your are putting yourself in jeopardy by hanging out with these people/
 
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Maggie:
Okay guys, lets get our priorities straight here. We’ve got brothers-in-law spouting bigotry, neices draping themselves over boyfriends in public and we’re worried about foodfights?
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Maggie, I loved your response. You sound like you don’t take life too seriously as far as the food fight (kind of like my sister) and put some things into perspective. You could be right about her throwing bread to let others know she’s playfully acknowledging their presence. I would prefer it if we could all sit down and have a heart to heart serious conversation sometimes, instead of our gatherings turning into a three-ring circus.

I like your idea about telling the joke when my bro-in-law gets going.

My neices are another thing. I do worry most about them. Actually, I’m kind of hoping my sons will have some influence over them by the way they act with their girlfriends.

I could go on and on with numerous examples of that entire family’s poor behavior. As I’ve mentioned, they seem to make a sport of their behavior just to see if they can get to me and ignoring it hasn’t been enough. I will try to lighten up because I realize showing scorn won’t produce any good feelings and will backfire completely.

Denise
 
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BEK:
You need to keep your family away from these people. Do you want your children acting these ways? Do you want them to become racists? Do you want to start acting like them? You can certainly love and pray for them but you need to take care of your soul and your are putting yourself in jeopardy by hanging out with these people/
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My kids are 15 and almost 18. I understand your point, but “these people” are my family members. (My husbands side isn’t any better.) Our kids have always been exposed to them, yet have grown up (so far) to be polite young men with very good behavior.

When we see bad behavior from family members we later talk with the boys and explain that what they witnessed was wrong and they are not to act that way. They see us acting appropriately in public, not swearing or telling off-color jokes, etc. They have learned from us what is acceptable and what is not. Yet, we won’t stop associating with family because that sends a message that we hate the sinner as well as the sin. If that were the case for everyone, then no one would associate with me!

One of my oldest son’s friends told me a few years ago that he never hears Kyle swear. Since then I have been told or overheard other friends of his saying the same thing. It’s become his reputation. He hasn’t lost a single friend because of it!

Denise
 
I want to thank all who responded to my dilemma. It helped me work through some issues in my mind.

I’ve decided to continue to ignore the antics as much as I can. I’ll try to just forget about it once it’s over.

I can be prepared to have a funny response or two ready for my brother-in-law to disarm him when he gets on his bigoted and racist remarks. (he repeats a lot so I know what to expect.)

I may try to enlist the help of my sons to have an influence on their cousins to treat themselves with more respect.

I will always keep praying for them all. But most importantly, I think I will try to just enjoy my family more when we get together, warts and all. After all, they have to put up with my warts, too.

Thanks again,
Denise
 
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